Bonnie27 Posted September 8, 2014 Share Posted September 8, 2014 I'll reply properly later, but just a pitstop post as he did get to speak to the top manager yesterday. They said he could start a disciplinary proceeding but as he has just become her boss, it would complicate things. Also apparently she can't get a warning for the letter as he didn't get a warning for my assaulting her Link to post Share on other sites
ExpatInItaly Posted September 8, 2014 Share Posted September 8, 2014 I'll reply properly later, but just a pitstop post as he did get to speak to the top manager yesterday. They said he could start a disciplinary proceeding but as he has just become her boss, it would complicate things. Also apparently she can't get a warning for the letter as he didn't get a warning for my assaulting her Did she not to speak to HR about both of you? And would this warning not be directed at the friend, as she allegedly was the one who wrote and sent the letter? Doesn't make sense. Link to post Share on other sites
Bonnie27 Posted September 8, 2014 Share Posted September 8, 2014 She did, yes. Sorry I phrased that badly. My partner was told to stay away from her but did not get a disciplinary (a mark on his record). The friend who wrote the letter is just her friend, she doesn't work there she was there on the night out. The manager said as he didn't get a disciplinary for the actions of someone else (me), she won't get one for the actions of someone else (friend) Link to post Share on other sites
2sunny Posted September 8, 2014 Share Posted September 8, 2014 What reaction? She has not really done anything Exactly. And no reaction is still something. Link to post Share on other sites
angelcake Posted September 9, 2014 Share Posted September 9, 2014 Yes, I do. If we assume that the cheating stopped, I believe it was only because you called him out on it. Not because he lost feelings for her. I have no doubt he'd still be doing it now if you hadn't confronted them. Bonnie, I agree with Expat... unless he has shown remorse, tried to make things right with you, tried to get away from her, and made himself transparent to you, then he probably wants her more now than ever. The reason he stopped is because he got caught, not because he wanted to stop things with her. In fact, he's probably very angry with you because he sees you as the reason he isn't with this other girl. I really hope you are soon able to see these things for yourself. 1 Link to post Share on other sites
Keke1 Posted September 9, 2014 Share Posted September 9, 2014 All this crap supposedly going on at the work house and they are still in close contact with each other? How can you even believe what either of them says?? Link to post Share on other sites
2sunny Posted September 9, 2014 Share Posted September 9, 2014 If bet money the affair is still active. Her partner probably chooses to tell her things she needs to hear that make her "think" it stopped and he's doing something about it. But in reality he hasn't done a thing. He may say he spoke to his boss - but I doubt he did. He may say it ended but I doubt it did. He doesn't give you evidence that it's completely over Bonnie - and he sure isn't willing to show you proof that he's done everything to get her out of his life. Like finding a new job or by moving far away from her. Oh no... Now he's her boss - how convenient. Don't be surprised when he gives her a raise and they end up working every shift together. He's got you fooled - mainly because you believe his lies. Link to post Share on other sites
angelcake Posted September 9, 2014 Share Posted September 9, 2014 All of that HR stuff sounds like BS. I would call them and play dumb and ask if you needed to bring the letter in, if you needed to sign off on anything, etc. Just make up an excuse to call the HR dept and see if they have even heard anything about this. I bet he's making it all up to appease you. 1 Link to post Share on other sites
Bonnie27 Posted September 9, 2014 Share Posted September 9, 2014 There is no HR on site, it's just him 2nd in line, then the manager above him. I'll do what you said and make contact with them though Link to post Share on other sites
Leigh 87 Posted September 9, 2014 Share Posted September 9, 2014 Bonnie27 is clearly sucked in by her "partners " happy romantic facebook profile pictures he's now using of the two of them. I don't believe Bonnie can comprehend raising her kids without their father as her partner. Thus is common, my good friend won't divorce her husband until their kids are done with college. It's no way to live though. Healthy and mature adults separate all the time and manage to raise perfectly fine children. Most young adults figure out that sh it happens and parents cannot always stay together if one of then isn't in love..... I think Bonnie will look back at this dark time and realise that her relationship with her partner died the moment he fell in love with another. It's okay. My partner and I look back on our last relationships and we both knew out relationships were over the moment our eyes cheated and lied to us! Yet we remained because we loved them and didn't want to be without our ex partners. In retrospect, both my bf and I just KNEW where our relationships did indeed, end, and we falsely carried on as though we still had high hopes. Deep down there comes a point in every failed relationship where... You just " know " when it dies. I believe Bonnie is fighting this notion as we speak or sleep. It's not easy especially with kids, to just throw in the towel. Stay strong Bonnie..this while situation is so unfair and you don't deserve to feel this awful. However, you can only opt to settle for a less than ideal relationship for so long before you will start longing for a partner who is loyal and totally in love with you. Your going to realise your " partner " is not it. 1 Link to post Share on other sites
2sunny Posted September 9, 2014 Share Posted September 9, 2014 Do you work enough to support yourself on your own Bonnie? Link to post Share on other sites
Keke1 Posted September 9, 2014 Share Posted September 9, 2014 Bonnie27 is clearly sucked in by her "partners " happy romantic facebook profile pictures he's now using of the two of them. I don't believe Bonnie can comprehend raising her kids without their father as her partner. Thus is common, my good friend won't divorce her husband until their kids are done with college. It's no way to live though. Healthy and mature adults separate all the time and manage to raise perfectly fine children. Most young adults figure out that sh it happens and parents cannot always stay together if one of then isn't in love..... I think Bonnie will look back at this dark time and realise that her relationship with her partner died the moment he fell in love with another. It's okay. My partner and I look back on our last relationships and we both knew out relationships were over the moment our eyes cheated and lied to us! Yet we remained because we loved them and didn't want to be without our ex partners. In retrospect, both my bf and I just KNEW where our relationships did indeed, end, and we falsely carried on as though we still had high hopes. Deep down there comes a point in every failed relationship where... You just " know " when it dies. I believe Bonnie is fighting this notion as we speak or sleep. It's not easy especially with kids, to just throw in the towel. Stay strong Bonnie..this while situation is so unfair and you don't deserve to feel this awful. However, you can only opt to settle for a less than ideal relationship for so long before you will start longing for a partner who is loyal and totally in love with you. Your going to realise your " partner " is not it. This I believe is understood. I think most just want her to not waste time any longer. You simply cannot get back wasted time. Life is toooooo short for unnecessary drama like this. No one deserves to be treated like **** in a loving relationship. Maybe she doesn't see that she is. Ignoring red flags got her in this spot dont ignore anymore 2 Link to post Share on other sites
Leigh 87 Posted September 12, 2014 Share Posted September 12, 2014 I dont regret the time I spent with my ex. Even though I knew he was a cheating jerk. If I had stayed six years with him, then I would feel like I wanted time. I think Bonnie has been with this man for long enough for it to be " wasting time " territory. Being middle aged or young, you have so many options in partners....once you know someone's a dirtbag who falls for other women, there are only so many years one should invest.... It seems Bonnie would rather spend more time working what her partners actions mean then getting over him and getting over all the worry and angst... For good. Leaving a partner you're in love with hurts intensively. However, a sort sharp pain that is rather acute for a few months, is far more pleasant than staying with a partner who you always have to wonder about..... Who you're beverage entirely sure of...... How can you be entirely sure that a person is head over heels in love with you and also has decent will power and healthy enough emotionally to maintain a long term partnership, When they have already fallen for another? What does this say about his staying power? Could ANYONE here happily remain with such a man, and be relatively free of the unnecessary worry if your partner staying faithful? Link to post Share on other sites
ExpatInItaly Posted September 12, 2014 Share Posted September 12, 2014 After many months and countless pages of replies, I think it's safe to arrive at the conclusion that Bonnie doesn't plan on leaving. All of this behaviour analysis of him and his affair partner are a colossal waste of time, because it doesn't change anything. It won't end until he leaves, which unfortunately I think he will - someday. Bonnie you deserve more. Your children deserve more. You don't believe it, but it's true. I wish you the best in biding your time until the next major heartache .It's no way to live, but it's the path you've apparently chosen. 2 Link to post Share on other sites
Leigh 87 Posted September 13, 2014 Share Posted September 13, 2014 Sigh. It's just really upsetting to hear of another women who chooses to stay with a man who is definitely not in love with her. I held on to many signs that my ex was in love with me... He spent most of his free time with me, I was the one person he'd go to for support, he loved me looking after him, he was genuinly happy to see me when I picked him up from a night out with his mates. My ex would even study me. He'd stare at me because my ex genuinly thought I was a remarkable and interests woman. My ex and I got along smashing. We really mare each other laugh. We sat around all day wetting out pants laughing. Well my current partner doesn't make me laugh as much as my ex. But at least he's in love with me and we have a MUTUAL romantic connection........ Bonnie, sometimes we get along really well with our partners.... It can seem like you have invested a lot in one another and that you have a lot in common. It's easy to failed believe that you and a partner have had a long and happy relationship together and that they are therefore madly in love with you.... Maintaining a long term relationship takes work. Even with intense natural chemistry. The chemical high ends after a few months to a year or sometimes more. People often become attached and aren't willing to leave due to being genuinly attached.... I would definately say that Bonnies boyfriend has fallen out of love with her and rather, views Bonnie as a dear friend who happens to be the bother of her children....... Men who are still deeply in love with their partners NEVER go and fall in love with another women...men in love can cheat, I believe, due to being broken and selfish people with psychological issued. Men in love don't, however, fall in love with other women. Although some polygamous couples claim to be able to fall for others...... Bonnie, are you comfortable with your partner not being madly in love with you? Is being with a man who isn't crazy in love with you worth it just for the fact of remaining with a partner for the sole reason of raising your kids together, in that way? 2 Link to post Share on other sites
smackie9 Posted September 13, 2014 Share Posted September 13, 2014 She stays because she fears the unknown, and being alone. Despite the ruckus going on, she still has a husband, a father for her kids, a roof over her head and someone next to her in bed. She doesn't want to give that up. She's here to see if there is someone that has the magic solution to make it all go away and able to keep what she has. Link to post Share on other sites
Vikki Taylor Posted September 13, 2014 Share Posted September 13, 2014 This is a serious situation. At face value their relationship seems innocent, however, in my experience, an innocent relationship can turn into something much bigger. This kind of woman is patient and waiting for a vulnerable moment to be the sounding board for your guy. An argument with you is all it may take for your fellow to seek comfort and approval from her. You have to talk this out with him not her. She wants you to feel uncomfortable and make you think that she can give him something you can't. Remember that the issue lie with him and not her. It sounds as though your relationship has some serious communication issues, and your guy does not want to face them. Take action yourself and keep trying until he begins to open up. If he doesn't, maybe it's not meant to be. Protect yourself!!! Link to post Share on other sites
2sunny Posted September 13, 2014 Share Posted September 13, 2014 No no no - poor Bonnie doesn't intend to do a thing. Bonnie - we cannot help...you don't change a thing - therefore everything is expected to remain the same. Link to post Share on other sites
Bonnie27 Posted October 11, 2014 Share Posted October 11, 2014 (edited) Well, she's finally gone We went away on vacation for 10 days and he went back to work this last week. He said even when she wasn't working she would sit in the cafe area reading her book but making sure she was at a specific table so she could see him wherever he was. He went to the manager and told her that he wants to raise a case of harassment against her as she does it all the time and she's making him really uncomfortable. She was spoken to yesterday and he was told she would be recieving an official warning letter and told that he would be raising a case of harassment (with her actions as he admitted she barely speaks to him) against her and that the manager believed him. He overheard, purposefully out of sight, and said that his boss told her she needs to change her behaviour or she'd terminate her contract and to not forget actions speak louder than words and her sitting at that table made everyone uncomfortable as it was obvious why she sat there. I asked what the woman said and she was denying it saying what about his behaviour and did it stem from the text she sent him from the night before and the manager said she didn't know what she was talking about. The manager said she gave her the benefit of the doubt before but she had no idea why if someone did what he apparently did to her why she'd want to stay and any woman would have just left and the woman replied that she didn't leave as she didn't do anything wrong. I questioned him and he showed me the text. It basically said at work that night her and another woman were together and he walked past and specifically said hello to the other woman and asked how she was and blanked her. She said this was rude and led the other woman to ask questions especially as he was now 2nd in command. And that it was isolating and bullying behaviour. She said that it wasn't very nice or professional and that all she was asking for was the same courtesy he extends to everyone else. I asked him why he didn't tell the manager about it as he saw her first thing before she went to speak to the woman and he said it slipped his mind. If it were me, that'd be the first thing I told the manager after hello. Today my partner was at work and saw a resignation letter on the managers desk from the woman. She listed all the reasons regarding my partner and how all of this has been handled is appalling and she feels harassed and uncomfortable like she supposedly made him feel. That he wouldn't ever be able to look at her when speaking, be semi rude and dismissive and that that's no way for a manager to act and she's had enough. She said this has hounded her for the last 2 years and she can't take it anymore, so leaving before this meeting wasn't admitting defeat, it was her washing her hands of a horrendous situation. She also added a line that said during a conversation in July with him that he said he would never purposefully do anything to screw her over and she trusted him and how stupid she'd been (he sent me a pic on his phone, not sure if he realised I could make it bigger and actually read it). She also said regarding the conversation with his manager that she had no idea what his girlfriend being upset or his children had to do with him being a professional at work, so I'mnot really sure where that bit came from. And then she quoted the manager saying "you said he was so uncomfortable he was so distracted by me he couldn't do his job properly"...perhaps then you should be having this connversation with him rather than me" so I'm not sure what to make of that bit either It ended with her saying she's sent a packet of documents to head office detailing all written communication between them, personal and professional and it has witness statements in it from people who has witnessed his behaviour towards her. I don't really know what the pointis if she's resigned anyway, it's not goingto achieve anything, but she said she wanted to clear her name But... she is now gone and never coming back and I couldn't be more relieved. The fact that the manager believes my partner says a lot I think and the fact shes resigned straight away rather than defend herself Edited October 11, 2014 by Bonnie27 Link to post Share on other sites
Keke1 Posted October 11, 2014 Share Posted October 11, 2014 Lol at this whole grade school crap. The problem was always your guy and your behavior in this situation imo. Good luck with your boy though. 2 Link to post Share on other sites
ExpatInItaly Posted October 11, 2014 Share Posted October 11, 2014 Lol at this whole grade school crap. The problem was always your guy and your behavior in this situation imo. Good luck with your boy though. Exactly. The problems aren't going to stop just because she's not in the same work environment. It was just a symptom of a much larger problem with the relationship. 1 Link to post Share on other sites
Bonnie27 Posted October 11, 2014 Share Posted October 11, 2014 Don't you think it says anything that the manager took his side and she's now resigned? Link to post Share on other sites
Keke1 Posted October 11, 2014 Share Posted October 11, 2014 Don't you think it says anything that the manager took his side and she's now resigned? Says nothing because I'd what you say is true it isn't over with. As far as her and the job Link to post Share on other sites
Bonnie27 Posted October 11, 2014 Share Posted October 11, 2014 I don't follow you? Link to post Share on other sites
preraph Posted October 11, 2014 Share Posted October 11, 2014 Hopefully, him complaining on her will run her off, but you never know. Glad she's out of the workplace at least. He was definitely guilty in all this. There are a lot of men who are extremely flattered by the attention of a pretty young girl, no matter how devious that girl is. She was smart and did very little that was overt so as no one could blame her. Everything she did was subtle and could have been "nothing." She had the advantage of him being ranked over her and being the older man, who would by inference shoulder most of the responsibility. But she made sure she always had a ready excuse to keep talking to him, telling him where to find a good job, any little thing, long after everything had fallen apart and she knew her actions could cause bigger problems. And the gift was a red flag. The Monica Lewinskis always "give" more than is appropriate in a work setting. He kept being polite to her because he is a man and he LOVED all the attention and was not really mad at her for that. In his mind, he is thinking, "I'm awesome, and this girl knows I'm awesome, so I can't hate her for it." His discomfort came when he lost control of her. At some point, she was playing her own agenda even though the two of them probably had a joint agenda how to handle things in place, before and after she knew things were going south. That's when he got nervous and decided he couldn't just wank around with her at work and enjoy the adulation without consequences. She even used things going south as an excuse to coordinate activities with himto make it look like nothing was going on, and he was foolish enough to go along with that charade, when all she was doing was finding excuses to connect. And he went along because, again, he cannot find it in himself to fault her for falling for his charms. So the bad news is he loved all the attention. The good news is he chose you over it and was at least partially transparent. I would still be on the alert for any more contact from this young lady because now that they aren't working together, they have far less to lose from getting involved with each other. She may continue to ask or tell him about job opportunities and he may feel he should help her since he got her fired OR because he wants to. So keep your eyes open, but I hope things work out. One more inkling, though, that he would have any further contact with her, and you really should pack it in. If he hadn't filed the complaint, the whole thing would have been a huge dealbreaker, but because he did, at least you know he'd rather keep you happy than keep her happy -- but that could only be because he knows he can't run her off with a stick or any other way so he's not worried about it. Not saying he wants to reinvolve, but if he wanted to, I bet she would. If he has a brain, he'll be relieved and get back to where he once belonged, as the Beatles song goes. Link to post Share on other sites
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