preraph Posted October 18, 2014 Share Posted October 18, 2014 I do think there's fault and participation on both sides, but it does seem like the woman was really persistent with him after he decided things had gone on long enough, whatever those things were. Of course she's going to try to lay blame back on him. Both of them were careless, but just seeing the little things she was doing, I think she was the more persistent one but that he enjoyed the attention until it got to be a threat. The OP seems to be under attack here, and she's done nothing but be a victim in this. She isn't psychic and can't know exactly what went on and he is her husband and so if she has to blindly side with someone, that is who it should be, not some tart after a married man at the office, no matter how that got started. He did provide OP a certain degree of transparency, and that's all you can do in a case of lost trust. No matter how the job issue comes down, there will never be a clean resolution to this and trust will only be earned over a period of time in which he is transparent and can be seen to be earnest about working on his marriage. The OP has a long road ahead of her and I feel bad for her. Link to post Share on other sites
2sunny Posted October 18, 2014 Share Posted October 18, 2014 It looks like your long term boyfriend has had a CERY inappropriate relationship with another gal. He's about to be exposed for everything. Why don't YOU WORK so you don't have to be at the mercy of all his crappy lies and behavior. He's a jerk. You keep overlooking that because you use him to pay your way. You are betraying yourself and you know it. Link to post Share on other sites
Bonnie27 Posted October 18, 2014 Share Posted October 18, 2014 I'll reply to other comments later but 2sunny, where did I say I didn't work? If you look, I've said I work shifts and for an emergency service so 4 days a week I'm gone for 12 hours. It's not a question of soley financial, he takes care of our babies around my shifts Link to post Share on other sites
BC1980 Posted October 19, 2014 Share Posted October 19, 2014 Don't you think it says anything that the manager took his side and she's now resigned? I don't think it says much at all because you can get anyone to believe your version of events. He could make up anything and get the manager to believe it. Is the manager male? They might be buddies and stick together against a woman. What's really telling is that most people on this thread and you mistrust him, but he had the opportunity to spin the story to you in a way to make him look better in the beginning. Didn't he say he might love her at one point? I can't remember correctly. I wouldn't believe anything he says about her supposedly driving by your house. Again, he wasn't exactly rushing to make things right for the sake of your relationship and family. He still won't marry you, and the woman would still work there if SHE hadn't left. You don't deserve to live like this, but I feel for you with two small children. You feel like you have no choice or anywhere to go. It would be a tremendous upheveal in your life if you left him. Still, I think he will leave you at some point. He might find someone else or leave when the kids get older. I think guilt keeps him with you because of the children. Again, I'm sorry, but it's better to know the truth and be prepared. Link to post Share on other sites
Bonnie27 Posted October 19, 2014 Share Posted October 19, 2014 No the manager is an older woman in her 40s. I'll find out when he gets home what was in the packet as he has a meeting today. A regional manager has come in Link to post Share on other sites
ExpatInItaly Posted October 19, 2014 Share Posted October 19, 2014 No the manager is an older woman in her 40s. I'll find out when he gets home what was in the packet as he has a meeting today. A regional manager has come in Bonnie, keep in mind that whatever he says was in the packet or takes place at this meeting could well be a half-truth. Listen to what he says but do not necessarily believe what he tells you. I still think there's a hell of lot more to this than you know. The fact that a regional manager has been asked to attend this meeting isn't good - this other woman isn't playing games. 1 Link to post Share on other sites
Bonnie27 Posted October 19, 2014 Share Posted October 19, 2014 Expat, do you believe she's completely innocent? He should be back soon Link to post Share on other sites
ExpatInItaly Posted October 19, 2014 Share Posted October 19, 2014 Expat, do you believe she's completely innocent? He should be back soon No, not necessarily. But ultimately, your boyfriend is the one who should've put a stop to this a long time ago. Your boyfriend is the one who has lied to you. Your boyfriend is the one who stepped out of the relationship. Given his poor track record, I wouldn't give much weight to his words at all. Link to post Share on other sites
BC1980 Posted October 19, 2014 Share Posted October 19, 2014 Expat, do you believe she's completely innocent? He should be back soon I think they're both culpable to a point, but your relationship is with him. It honestly doesn't matter if she has any blame so far as your relationship is concerned because he has to account for his blame. I think I remember that she was under the impression he was single at first. The bottom line is that we don't know what really happened. Only those two know, and, quite frankly, he has more to loose if the truth comes out. I would think he has a bigger reason to lie than her. She probably left because there was just too much drama involved. Hopefully, the packet won't be anything serious. You can't really trust what he tells you though. Link to post Share on other sites
2sunny Posted October 20, 2014 Share Posted October 20, 2014 No the manager is an older woman in her 40s. I'll find out when he gets home what was in the packet as he has a meeting today. A regional manager has come in If you think upper management showed up now and your husband is innocent you are gravely mistaken. Link to post Share on other sites
Leigh 87 Posted October 20, 2014 Share Posted October 20, 2014 2sunny, he needs the job. He would struggle to get another of the same wage. Also yes he did tell me about driving past before Expat - he did show me the texts a few months ago. She says in her letter that he would call her in reply My friend said I should give this woman more credit as she would have to be insane to send a packet to head office with nothing to say. Apparently there is nearly 100 pages Keke, if youfeel that way then don't post. Did you see her car drive past personally? If not, he is LYING. Link to post Share on other sites
Bonnie27 Posted October 20, 2014 Share Posted October 20, 2014 I'm coming to the end of my shift so will write a post when I'm home but Leigh, I don't know as I've not been looking. He didn't say she's been doing slow drive bys, we live on a main route with a 40 limit Link to post Share on other sites
Leigh 87 Posted October 20, 2014 Share Posted October 20, 2014 It is still alarming that your partner fell for another woman and vice versa. Monogamy is boring - it is near impossible to be crazy in love with the same old person for years on end. However, some people do truly get he spark back routinely rather than allowing themselves to fall for other women. they do work to re ignite their passion for their current partner so that they do not fall for others..... You need to address this very real issue in your relationship - your partner chose to not work on your relationship, and instead, he fell for another woman. He could have avoided this if he had communicated effectively with you about his lack of passion - and yes he must have lacked passion and the " in love" feeling for you Bonnie - men who are madly in love don't fall for other women...................... If he truly did see that you were more important than this short lived fling (which may or may not have gotten physical), then he has a lot of work to do. What are you going to do in order to ensure this man doesn't "get bored" with your relationship again, and feel in love with another woman AGAIN? Link to post Share on other sites
Timshel Posted October 20, 2014 Share Posted October 20, 2014 I am concerned that since boyfriend is the one with the paperwork, he will be able to remove any incriminating evidence before sharing it with Bonnie. I don't believe, Bonnie, that he has been truthful with you at all. Link to post Share on other sites
Timshel Posted October 20, 2014 Share Posted October 20, 2014 I started reading this thread and like some others became invested in it. I really care what happens to Bonnie and her children. Bonnie, I know what being on the spectrum is as I have a son with Aspergers. I will say this situation reminds me of the movie Fatal Attraction. Jilted mistress becomes enraged when lover returns to home and family and decides to take revenge. I don't know why some think that she did not drive by your house. I see that as perfectly plausible. Also her showing up at the pool I see as no accident. Love and sex are two of the greatest motivators of human behavior and the reason for the existence of this site. I have to say that I have felt tremendously frustrated with your reaction to this situation Bonnie, but I know that each person must walk their walk their own way. I will be looking for your next post and am hoping the best for you and your children. Whatever you choose, do not for yourself but only for your kids. At the end of the day, it is the only choice you will be able to live with. All children grow up healthier and stronger without discord in their home. No man worth his salt or your love would jeopardize that. 2 Link to post Share on other sites
Bonnie27 Posted October 20, 2014 Share Posted October 20, 2014 Okay well. This meeting was purely to inform him what she has said. From the look on his face I know in my gut he was being honest as I’ve never seen him look so shaken though he was trying not to show it as much as he felt it She said she’s taken legal advice and resigned as she can’t take the stress of this anymore. She also said she doesn’t understand why this happened now as nothing has gone on in months. To cut to the key bits, she’s saying over the last two years she’s been victimised and now has anxiety due to his behaviour and others secondary behaviour because of his actions. Including me assaulting her, her not being able to use the facility down to fear of my reaction and his proving that by saying he was scared of my reaction himself, her telling him verbally and in writing four times as well as her saying she would call the cops, him speaking to her again after 6 months and her trying to be professional but he told her about personal situations such as him going for that promotion elsewhere and his odd hot and cold behaviour, how he’d talk to her one day and not the next or talk to the person with her and ignore her and all she has asked is for him to treat her like everybody else and how she’s not prepared to put up with the manipulation and him passing the buck. She also had two signed statements from other people, not employees, about his behaviour with her as well as 12 pages of texts, 25 pages of emails and emails asking management for help She said she wrote the letter to clear her name I’m not sure if that’s everything, I’m still digesting Tim, he admitted it was her who ended things but I wish you were right Link to post Share on other sites
Bonnie27 Posted October 20, 2014 Share Posted October 20, 2014 Oh and she also said if he believed his allegations then why did he still have her number in his phone and why did it bother him when she was there in her own time but it was okay for her to be called in to work when he was in charge, doing the company a favour as she didn't have to be there and how ridiculous that was Link to post Share on other sites
ExpatInItaly Posted October 20, 2014 Share Posted October 20, 2014 Okay well. This meeting was purely to inform him what she has said. From the look on his face I know in my gut he was being honest as I’ve never seen him look so shaken though he was trying not to show it as much as he felt it She said she’s taken legal advice and resigned as she can’t take the stress of this anymore. She also said she doesn’t understand why this happened now as nothing has gone on in months. To cut to the key bits, she’s saying over the last two years she’s been victimised and now has anxiety due to his behaviour and others secondary behaviour because of his actions. Including me assaulting her, her not being able to use the facility down to fear of my reaction and his proving that by saying he was scared of my reaction himself, her telling him verbally and in writing four times as well as her saying she would call the cops, him speaking to her again after 6 months and her trying to be professional but he told her about personal situations such as him going for that promotion elsewhere and his odd hot and cold behaviour, how he’d talk to her one day and not the next or talk to the person with her and ignore her and all she has asked is for him to treat her like everybody else and how she’s not prepared to put up with the manipulation and him passing the buck. She also had two signed statements from other people, not employees, about his behaviour with her as well as 12 pages of texts, 25 pages of emails and emails asking management for help She said she wrote the letter to clear her name I’m not sure if that’s everything, I’m still digesting Tim, he admitted it was her who ended things but I wish you were right Bonnie. Read this part again. 12 pages pf texts and 25 pages of emails between the two of them? That is far too much, especially for someone who claimed he wasn't in regular contact. You've got the proof now that his claim wasn't true. Signed statements from other people? She is building a harassment case against him. Nobody seeks legal counsel, gets signed statements and sends a package that long simply to clear their name. I don't buy that for one minute. At this point, I simply cannot believe you continue to tolerate this. I would be so humiliated if I were you. 1 Link to post Share on other sites
Bonnie27 Posted October 20, 2014 Share Posted October 20, 2014 That is over the last two years. Work and personal related and most of which were from her by her own admission but thats where she said he replied verbally. She said he was smarter than her doing that so there would be no papertrail.She admitted herself that the majority of all this was her word against his and thats why she felt she had to resign Link to post Share on other sites
ExpatInItaly Posted October 20, 2014 Share Posted October 20, 2014 That is over the last two years. Work and personal related and most of which were from her by her own admission but thats where she said he replied verbally. She said he was smarter than her doing that so there would be no papertrail.She admitted herself that the majority of all this was her word against his and thats why she felt she had to resign So their interaction has been going on for two years? Were you aware it had been that long? Link to post Share on other sites
Bonnie27 Posted October 20, 2014 Share Posted October 20, 2014 Yes. From Jan and me assalting her she had said nothing had happened between them since the summer of the previous year. So it's including that. She said nothing has happened bar her trying to regain some normality and her behaviour hasn't changed and he's been nothing but unprofessional Oh something else she said was that she asked about going for a different job and he laughed and said there is too much history with them and not while he was there but the only proof is her memory Link to post Share on other sites
Timshel Posted October 20, 2014 Share Posted October 20, 2014 Dear Bonnie, I know all of this has caused you sleepless nights and wondering if you can know what is true. You know this: You Love Your Babies. You think you love this PUTZ. Things should not be this complicated. Please take some time for yourself. Take a deep breath, it's been a looong haul of a lot of bull****. Love your kids and have some quiet time for you to see clearly what you want for your children and you for in the long run. Where do you see yourself 10 years from now? Who will you be and what will your children's lives be like? Most importantly, Bonnie, trust yourself. You will be ok if you stay true to what is in your self. Leave everyone behind, especially the jackass that got you into this pain and find what is good and true for you and your kids. Link to post Share on other sites
ExpatInItaly Posted October 20, 2014 Share Posted October 20, 2014 Yes. From Jan and me assalting her she had said nothing had happened between them since the summer of the previous year. So it's including that. She said nothing has happened bar her trying to regain some normality and her behaviour hasn't changed and he's been nothing but unprofessional Oh something else she said was that she asked about going for a different job and he laughed and said there is too much history with them and not while he was there but the only proof is her memory What is the proof she actually said this? I assume this is all coming through your boyfriend, who you already know isn't an honest person. Let's assume it is true, though. It's all a bit irrelevant now. The underlying problem in the relationship is still there. Ultimately, it's all beside the point. The point is that he cheated for a long time. He's not in love with you, nor is he respectful of you. I would've kicked his sorry arse to the curb long ago. 1 Link to post Share on other sites
Bonnie27 Posted October 22, 2014 Share Posted October 22, 2014 I know a bit more now. Apparently the CEO responded to her directly and has handed it over to the director of HR for the nationwide company. If the CEO himself responded then there must be something to it rather than the ramnlings of a scorned woman?? My partner had a meeting with the regional manager there to witness as the manager of that facility is part of the packet documents too. She's alleging she was bullied and harassed in her treatment there and that everyone ignored her pleas for help I have asked my partner to bring home the paperwork he received so I can see for myself My friend said if this woman isn't going for legal action and she doesn't think anything will actually come of it then maybe she's doing it just to cause a headache for him Link to post Share on other sites
Timshel Posted October 22, 2014 Share Posted October 22, 2014 (edited) Hi Bonnie, good to hear from you again. I hope you are taking time through all this to take care of yourself. I think you already have a good idea that whatever has occurred, you have not heard the whole, true story and things were much more complicated between your boyfriend and this woman than you have been told. At this point, sure, read whatever papers he chooses to show you, but you already know that he cheated on you and was/is in love with this woman. I want for you to stop caring about what he or she does and start caring about what you are going to do for yourself and your kids. Easy for me to say, right? But it is what you need to do now. You really don't need any more information to act on your own behalf. I will be thinking of you, I know that eventually you will find your way. You will either wait for someone else to make the decision for you or you will find courage and decide for yourself. Edited October 22, 2014 by Timshel Link to post Share on other sites
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