What does his reaction mean?

[Bonnie27]

Well, here's what I assume will be the conclusion of this...

 

The investigation was finished yesterday with the result being the investigator couldn't find any proof bar her evidence but all could be taken in a different way, though she said most of their conversations were via phonecall - to substantiate her claims regarding my partners conduct regarding her. The letter did say he wasn't rejecting her claims, he just found nothing to prove it as they delete CCTV by the weeks end and no witnesses would come forward. So no disciplinary will be held against him, though other changes will be made as a result of her packet

 

Would you take that as the investigator supporting the woman?

[mickleb]

Your partner supported what she said by a) admitting to you that he loved her and b) not refuting her claims.

[Bonnie27]

For those that are still reading - he took me away at the weekend and proposed! I can't believe after all this with her and just after the investigation has finished he finally proposed and wecan move on

[Diezel]

Nothing says romance and wedding proposals like a harassment investigation.

 

Best of luck, you're going to need it.

[No Limit]

For those that are still reading - he took me away at the weekend and proposed! I can't believe after all this with her and just after the investigation has finished he finally proposed and wecan move on

 

I am so, so sorry this happened to you. And even more sorry that you're falling for it. You're officially his pet-wife now. Please see if there's a local refuge for you and your children should he turn to drinking and violence in the future.

[ExpatInItaly]

Well. Guess all is fine and dandy now that's bought a ring. Good luck to you, Bonnie. I feel you're in for a world of pain but are willingly turning a blind eye.

[Bonnie27]

The only thing that's put negativity on it is my real life friend who said the timing is no coincidence with her gone out of his life and this investigation and it's to distract me

 

He'd never be violent

[smackie9]

Obviously you don't listen to your friends either....

[Jaaded]

The only thing that's put negativity on it is my real life friend who said the timing is no coincidence with her gone out of his life and this investigation and it's to distract me

 

He'd never be violent

 

 

Bonnie I am just so sad for you. Your friend is trying to give you a dose of reality...but you are are not ready or able to listen. The only reason he is proposing is because "she" is out of the picture. You are his fallback plan...his second choice. I feel awful saying it but it's true. And you don't deserve to be anyone's second choice.....but you are allowing it.

 

sad.

[Diezel]

The only thing that's put negativity on it is my real life friend who said the timing is no coincidence with her gone out of his life and this investigation and it's to distract me

 

 

Oh, THAT is the only thing that has put negativity in your life?

 

It's not your "husband" or this investigation and everything else?

You know... the REALLY bad part of your life.

[Lady2163]

So I came here from the OW forum and I read a few pages.

 

You and your now finaces both sound bat crazy and I think you deserve each other. You are a definite drama junkie and create problems.

 

First scenario.....the woman is innocent. She is not obsessed with your man and prior to,your meltdown *thought* she had a good working relationship and rapport with him.

 

This is supported by the fact she went to HR. Someone who was guilty wouldn't put their reputation through the wringer by doing this. You brought on the HR investigation by confronting her and assaulting her. Way to go.

 

If they were in a full-blown affair, either she wouldnt have gone to the gathering, you wouldnt have gone or you and your fiancée wouldn't have gone. He has to know there would be trouble because you're a psycho and if he wants to keep seeing her, he wouldnt put her in that spot.

 

Second scenario.....your fiancée is obsessed with her and has a crush on her. What better way to head off any suspicions than to reverse it and tell you she is the one obsessed with him.

 

Guilty people in affairs wouldn't tell you where he got the gift from. He found it, he picked it up at a store, stopped by a tag sale, bought it from EBay, Someome at work had this but didn't want it, etc.

 

Your fiancée more than likely would like to have an affair with her. She's hot, she's nice to him and she's not psycho like the jealous harpy he just proposed to.

 

Can you not step back and see how you're stuck in middle school?

 

You really want the truth? Honestly? Then you need to take a hit and essentially beg for it. It won't come from him. You need to fall on your sword. Message this woman and ask her to meet you for coffee. Ask her to bring a friend. Then you need to apologize profusely, sincerely go way overboard. Promise her you won't be mad, you won't assault her again, but you just have to know the truth before you marry this man. Tell her what he said about her. Tell her what you have been led to believe. Lay it on thick about how you want a happy home for your children and you don't want a surprise five years down the road.

 

I don't think she will meet you. Innocent or guilty I wouldn't waste my valuable time on this kind of crap.

[Bonnie27]

The only reason he is proposing is because "she" is out of the picture.

Do you agree with my friend? He said he proposed because it's our anniversary and after all this he realised how much I mean to him when I asked why now

 

Why would he propose if he still loved her or didn't love me or he didn't want to?

[Lady2163]

Why would he propose if he still loved her or didn't love me or he didn't want to?

 

Because he is 30 something, has kids with you, can have an okay life with you, is able to manipulate you and with his work situation may be able to have an affair with someone (not the original girl) who will fill the void.

 

I predict he will spend 7-10 years with you. He will get some financial stability,get some equity, raise the kids jointly, spend as much time as he wants with them, then when he reaches his goals, he will trade up.

[Bonnie27]

Lady, why would he not do all that now if thats what he really wanted?

 

We've been together nearly 10 years as it is

[Diezel]

We ALL agree with your friend. I'm not the type to speak for others, but after 36 pages, are you kidding me?

[William]

As a reminder, topical responses to the thread starter and their updates shall remain respectful or members shall face the consequences.

[mickleb]

Do you agree with my friend? He said he proposed because it's our anniversary and after all this he realised how much I mean to him when I asked why now

 

Why would he propose if he still loved her or didn't love me or he didn't want to?

 

He's said a lot, hasn't he?

 

From what I can tell, the only time you could be sure sure he was telling the truth was when he told you he loved her. But that's about the only thing he's said that you've managed to gloss over.

 

Until you start asking deep questions about your own motivations for wanting to marry him, and answering those honestly, you'll always be stuck with his one truthful admission in the back of your mind.

 

If it were just your life, Bonnie, frankly, I wouldn't care so much but your children deserve a better example.

[Bonnie27]

I'm trying to forgive him and move on. I don't understand why he would propose if he *didn't* want to marry me and still loved her? He said he felt that over a year ago for her

[mickleb]

I'm trying to forgive him and move on. I don't understand why he would propose if he *didn't* want to marry me and still loved her? He said he felt that over a year ago for her

 

He's cutting his losses. It's not as flattering as you want it to be. And he knows you'll buy his bullsh*te so he won't have a problem when his head is turned by the next girl.

 

He's got it cosy: Little wifey who looks after his babies whilst he looks out for a new babe.

 

Have you not considered this, Bon?

[BC1980]

Lady, why would he not do all that now if thats what he really wanted?

 

We've been together nearly 10 years as it is

 

Because it would look super awful of him to leave his long term girlfriend with two small children. I'm sure his family and friends would not look kindly on him for doing that, and he would probably feel a lot of guilt himself. He thinks it's better to go ahead and marry you than to face the social consequences of not marrying you. I feel that if the other woman were still in the picture, he would not have proposed, and I feel that if you did not have children together, he would have left you for her. I have felt that since I first read this thread, and I still believe it. I strongly feel that your children are what ties him to you.

 

I really have a lot of sympathy for you because you are in a bad place, with two small children. You have my best wishes for your future, and I hope it all works out for you. I know how difficult it would be to leave, so I won't judge you for staying.

[CALOVELY]

Because he is 30 something, has kids with you, can have an okay life with you, is able to manipulate you and with his work situation may be able to have an affair with someone (not the original girl) who will fill the void.

 

I predict he will spend 7-10 years with you. He will get some financial stability,get some equity, raise the kids jointly, spend as much time as he wants with them, then when he reaches his goals, he will trade up.

 

^^^This.

 

OP, I read this entire thread and am baffled that you cannot see what is right in front of your face. You are being taken advantage of and he will continue to do this because you allow it. Please do not marry this guy. You have two kids to think of here and they will grow up seeing their father pulling fast ones on their mother, lying and showing unbelievable disrespect. Is that what you want your kids to see?

[ascendotum]

He's cutting his losses. It's not as flattering as you want it to be. And he knows you'll buy his bullsh*te so he won't have a problem when his head is turned by the next girl.

 

He's got it cosy: Little wifey who looks after his babies whilst he looks out for a new babe.

 

Have you not considered this, Bon?

 

Its not a given by any means that her guy is a pants man, always on the look out a new bit of talent at the office to spice up his life with. I haven't read big chunks of this saga, but as far as I knew we are talking about 1 emotional affair in the last 10 yrs with the OP. It is possible for people otherwise not prone to being cheaters as a way of life, to be captivated by someone pretty awesome coming into their life. Relationship and work life was fine and stable and they weren't looking for drama/excitement but once they start to spend more time with this new person they become totally enchanted by them. It catches them off guard. Intense feelings they haven't felt since they first met their gf/bf comes flooding back...or maybe stronger passion even than ever before. I'm sure lots of people have met others while in a LTR that they found fantastic & wish they had them as gf/bf, but don't act on it.

 

If a person has strayed once its certainly not a good sign for future security on their fidelity, but I dont think a certainty by any means. Hey he's been with the OP for 10 yrs, who knows. After this experience (it wasn't all great tho) he may well, want feel those intense feelings once again.

Edited December 18, 2014 by ascendotum

[No Limit]

After this experience (it wasn't all great tho) he may well, want feel those intense feelings once again.

 

Nope. He'll probably become depressed because he's given up on cheating from his workplace (the almost-sueing-case has probably made him widely known from his boss' bureau to the parking lots) and is stuck with a woman he doesn't care about (no offense to you Bonnie, it definitely isn't fair to you).

 

If he's really 'lucky' he'll find another girl randomly. And if that girl falls for him just half as much as Bonnie, he'll probably make a surprise-exit. Drive to work and then out of the state after cleaning all bank accounts.

[BC1980]

Its not a given by any means that her guy is a pants man, always on the look out a new bit of talent at the office to spice up his life with. I haven't read big chunks of this saga, but as far as I knew we are talking about 1 emotional affair in the last 10 yrs with the OP. It is possible for people otherwise not prone to being cheaters as a way of life, to be captivated by someone pretty awesome coming into their life. Relationship and work life was fine and stable and they weren't looking for drama/excitement but once they start to spend more time with this new person they become totally enchanted by them. It catches them off guard. Intense feelings they haven't felt since they first met their gf/bf comes flooding back...or maybe stronger passion even than ever before. I'm sure lots of people have met others while in a LTR that they found fantastic & wish they had them as gf/bf, but don't act on it.

 

If a person has strayed once its certainly not a good sign for future security on their fidelity, but I dont think a certainty by any means. Hey he's been with the OP for 10 yrs, who knows. After this experience (it wasn't all great tho) he may well, want feel those intense feelings once again.

 

There are other problems too. For example, the fact that he wouldn't marry her (until now) when they have two kids together. That's a commitment issue that existed before the affair. Also, his continued lying after the affair was exposed. It's one thing to lie initially, but he has continuously lied and downplayed the affair. I also don't believe for one minute that the affair was only emotional. Maybe the didn't have sex, but something physical likely happened.

 

By far, I feel that the biggest problem in their relationship is that it took him 10 yrs. and 2 kids to propose when that is clearly not what the OP wanted. That is not a good foundation for a strong marriage.

[ascendotum]

There are other problems too. For example, the fact that he wouldn't marry her (until now) when they have two kids together. That's a commitment issue that existed before the affair. Also, his continued lying after the affair was exposed. It's one thing to lie initially, but he has continuously lied and downplayed the affair. I also don't believe for one minute that the affair was only emotional. Maybe the didn't have sex, but something physical likely happened.

 

By far, I feel that the biggest problem in their relationship is that it took him 10 yrs. and 2 kids to propose when that is clearly not what the OP wanted. That is not a good foundation for a strong marriage.

 

I have a number of friends in long term defacto relationships that have not married. Some have child and some don't. It is not the same social stigma it once was to have children or longterm co-habitat out of wedlock. I do know lots of married people though do judge on that and put pressure on the guy to do the right thing. In this case, I don't know how many times the talk of marriage was brought up by the OP and if her bf kept stalling on it or if he had a principle about not needing to have a piece of paper and the govt endorse their relatiosnhip. I'd say he probably loves the OP, but is not crazy in love & she's not the perfect one for him, but like a lot of people do they stay in a relationship out of security, companionship and the fact that it meets 90% of their needs (and the kids). I'm in one like this now and a number of my friends are. Chance are this recent saga in his life has prompted him to propose. Its what the OP really wants. Maybe there is some guilt, maybe some remorse, maybe a sense of moving on now that this other girl he was in love with has gone.

 

As for lying, well its nature of the game. If you betray your partner you hide it from them. You don't want to upset them + you don't want them thinking less of you + you don't want to risk permanent/fatal damage to the relationship. The vast majority of cheaters lie. Personally I don't know why he could not have come clean on things as I think the OP would forgive him. I've seen a handful of emotional affairs at work over the years which I am pretty sure they did not lead to sex, as one of the people kept things in check. Some don't see an emotional affair is morally wrong unlike taking it to the next step which is physical which is pretty clear is wrong. I've no doubt their partners would have been really disappointed/pissed if someone was spying on them and reporting back everything.

 

Also these people were professionals and the one not besotted with the other I'm sure did not want to risk damage to their career or their relationship by taking it to the next level. Like someone else just posted, I don't think she would have launched a formal SH complaint at work if she had been happily screwing him for a couple of years. Probably the closest her bf got was playing with the woman's hair and putting his hand on her shoulders. Would he have slept with her though if she had escalated it...yep I'd say so.