What does his reaction mean?

[ComingInHot]

Bonnie123, dude... It's not looking good honestly. If you canNot get straight answers from your b/f then get them from this woman but in a calm maybe less forward or overbearing manner. If between the 2 of them the answers aren't making sense, we'll then that's probably an indicator of foul play.

Geez girl I wish I could come up with something else Anything Else for you.

 

Question* she "touched" him After your talking at her??! Did he ever Look at her and yell at her or say back off?? Anything?*

[Nothisgirl]

NTG - I'm angry with her as my partner told me she has been obsessed with him for nearly a year and won't leave him alone. When I asked him why he didn't say no to helping her, he said it was too uncomfortable to say no. But then she looked really surprised when he said leave me alone at work too...urgh I don't know what to think

 

so she's been obsessing over him for a year, but it makes her more uncomfortable to tell her "no" instead of "back off"?

 

I'm sorry something doesn't add up with his story

[Bonnie123]

She stood up and tapped him on the shoulder and asked what the hell, pretty much, I don't mean she draped herself on him. I was still shouting at her at the time and thats when he stood between us. She was still saying she hadn't done anything and thats when I poked her in the arm

[JourneyLady]

Well I told him he should have told her no and he said he felt he had to say yes as it would be too uncomfortable to say no... :/

 

Guess it would be just as uncomfortable to tell you he *wanted to* say yes. Someone afraid to say no doesn't have good boundaries. I know because I didn't use to myself. I learned the hard way.

[Nothisgirl]

She stood up and tapped him on the shoulder and asked what the hell, pretty much, I don't mean she draped herself on him. I was still shouting at her at the time and thats when he stood between us. She was still saying she hadn't done anything and thats when I poked her in the arm

 

I feel really badly for her at this point

 

And for you, I just read you have a new baby...please talk to your partner. He's not telling you the truth

[Bonnie123]

He said it's just easier to say yes and he didn't want to hurt her feelings. My friend pointed out if he was uncomfortable around her, he'd have said no or he was too busy or whatever

[Bonnie123]

NTG - Why do you feel that badly for her?

 

I've questioned him again and he insists he was nice to her and she's taken it the wrong way

[whichwayisup]

Need to ask if it's okay? But who is this 'friend' who is advising you and so involved in your situation?

[Bonnie123]

She's my best friend, known her 20 years. She's the only person who knows anything about this woman, I've confided all in her. I think since the warning last year and seeing part of the situation herself and seeing him looking at this woman (she said he looked very sad) has made her go into the friend version of mama bear

[whichwayisup]

Okay , so she has your back and is looking out for you.

 

What happens now? See how this goes when he heads back to work?

 

You never did answer my questions from earlier, but does he hide his phone at home? Does he act out of character ever? Sneak off and not tell you where he's going at times?

 

He may not be fully cheating but it is possible there's just a flirtation happening. Time will tell. Or, it is how he says it is and if that is the case, trust him until he gives you reasons not to. You can't control this co worker.

[Bonnie123]

He doesn't hide his phone, no and I've never noticed anything. He spends a lot of time at work, but his hours are long (genuinely). As I said, we have a new baby and abother child so things are busy/hectic

[JourneyLady]

Well I'm fairly certain he is not telling you the whole truth. To be honest, I know of a situation (not mine) similar to this. People having affairs do not tell the truth about those affairs most of the time, they tell as much as their partner needs to think that they are above suspicion.

 

My ex-husband cheated after 29 years of marriage with "a friend from work". It started out as "just talking".

 

You sound ... very young. People get attracted to older people, younger people, anyone who gives them the validation they are seeking or missing. It has very little to do with looks a lot of the time. The fact that this girl is stunning does NOT mean she is not missing getting emotional validation from others in her life. Your "partner" may be giving her that validation. That is all that is needed to start attraction, assuming both parties are average looking or better. In addition, the fact that she is nice looking is enough to give your partner the desire to give her that emotional validation.

 

Everyone here is pretty much agreed your partner looks guilty and you should look into it. Your partner is the one who has the power to cheat on you again and again, not the girl. That's where your focus needs to be.

 

In looking at your partner's phone, you assume that no messages were ever deleted. Given the small amount of messages, I'd not believe that either.

 

There are steps you can follow if you think it's possible your partner is cheating. There are books on the subject and I think you should get one or more.

[Bonnie123]

I don't know, I guess so. I just don't know what to think. Nobody here has reacted positively, so that says something to me I suppose :/

[Bonnie123]

I just don't want to believe it But then I can't get my head around him just standing there looking at the floor like a 3 year old

[whichwayisup]

I don't know, I guess so. I just don't know what to think. Nobody here has reacted positively, so that says something to me I suppose :/

 

You wouldn't be posting if you truly believed this was innocent. Your gut is speaking to you...

[Bonnie123]

If that's true, I've only just had a baby so that would be awful too

[Nothisgirl]

NTG - Why do you feel that badly for her?

 

I've questioned him again and he insists he was nice to her and she's taken it the wrong way

 

I feel badly for her because I think he's lying to both of you.

 

Out of curiosity, How is he reacting when you question him? Is he defensive? Comforting?

[Bonnie123]

Just...nothingy really. Definitely not comforting. It's along the line of 'I've done nothing but be nice to her it's not my fault she's obsessed with me, I've told her to stay away from me but she just won't!'

 

...but then that doesn't make sense with the project/saying no

[bubbaganoosh]

First of all, I think you scared the hell out of the girl and she was afraid of making a scene.

 

IMO, he should have told her a long time ago to back off if he felt like she was making him uncomfortable. All he had to tell her was to back off and say it in a way that she understood that he had no interest in her and you can do that without being insulting.

 

I also think that she's not entirely at fault. I think he likes the attention and was embarrassed when you went nutso on the girl but I'll give you credit. I like your style. It says "Don't mess with what's mine."

[Nothisgirl]

Just...nothingy really. Definitely not comforting. It's along the line of 'I've done nothing but be nice to her it's not my fault she's obsessed with me, I've told her to stay away from me but she just won't!'

 

...but then that doesn't make sense with the project/saying no

 

Listen to your gut..trust your instincts. You are right, it doesn't make sense at all

[whichwayisup]

Just...nothingy really. Definitely not comforting. It's along the line of 'I've done nothing but be nice to her it's not my fault she's obsessed with me, I've told her to stay away from me but she just won't!'

 

...but then that doesn't make sense with the project/saying no

 

In detail, what does she do to him? Flirt with him at work? Follow him to his car? Call him a lot, email him a lot? What are some examples other than the few texts and her asking him to help with a work project?

 

Maybe he needs to stop being so nice to her. Be professional at all times and not personable. Be courteous but stone faced.

 

Still think there's more to this than meets the eye.

[Bonnie123]

He doesn't think he's been that nice to her in the last 8/9 months, he says.

 

He says she's always there (it has other facilities bar work, I don't really want to say what the place is) and always talks to him, texts him the things I saw and asked him to help with this project when she could have asked others (though she said it's because he's a manager)

 

I asked him if there was anything else at all and he said she gave him this thing ages ago because she didn't know anyone else who'd want it (she'd won it in something apparently) and one time she was struggling with her car in the car lot so he fixed it for her

[CaliGypsy]

He doesn't think he's been that nice to her in the last 8/9 months, he says.

 

He says she's always there (it has other facilities bar work, I don't really want to say what the place is) and always talks to him, texts him the things I saw and asked him to help with this project when she could have asked others (though she said it's because he's a manager)

 

I asked him if there was anything else at all and he said she gave him this thing ages ago because she didn't know anyone else who'd want it (she'd won it in something apparently) and one time she was struggling with her car in the car lot so he fixed it for her

 

 

How do any of those things lead to her being inappropriate in any way? Every single communication seems legit. She's asking for help on work projects not a date.

 

If things are as they seem and I was her I'd have looked Hella confused too. At this point the poster who said he was trying to make you jealous seemed to have the best explanation. As for her crying afterwards? If I was innocent and had been not only verbally assaulted, but poked in the arm.. I would have cried. I would have been shocked and dismayed. And let's say for arguments Sake she has a crush on your husband ..( but was not intending to ever act on it) being called out would be mortifying .

 

I am of course giving you my best guess based on the information.

[Bonnie123]

CG - (we aren't married) That's the thing I don't understand. He's SO insistent, but someone would have to be crazy (actually crazy) to be obsessed based on what he's told me thats happened

 

BB - I don't think I scared her, she didn't look frightened and she looked more ????

 

I looked at his phone again today and she sent him a text afterwards saying she didn't know what that was about but it's left her in tears and ruined her night and she didn't deserve that. He didn't reply

[Survivor12]

Her text to him is very telling. Here's my take on the situation...

 

It sounds to me like HE is the one with the obsession and has projected it onto her. I don't think she is even aware of his interest and assumes that they are on friendly terms. For him, her friendliness fuels the temptation he feels. Whether he is resisting because he doesn't want to involve himself in an affair or because he doesn't believe she would be receptive, the guilt and angst he is feeling is eating him up. That's why he felt the need to tell you about her--but he couldn't tell you the truth about his attraction and struggle to stay faithful. Instead, he turned it around to tell you how HE is the victim of HER obsession when in fact he is a victim of his OWN.

 

The poor girl had no idea why you would come at her like that, and was even more surprised that someone who had been nothing but nice to her would say such things about her. That's why she looked confused. That's why she touched his arm...because she knows that he knows the truth--that she didn't do anything inappropriate or unwelcome.