What does his reaction mean?

[Leigh 87]

I appreciate the effort you put in to your post, Leigh, but I'd hope he 'really liked me', we've been together 6 years with a house and two children!

 

 

 

Of course he really likes you. I have no way of knowing how he felt about you or still fells about you.

I am not trying to pretend that I know what your boyfriend thinks. Now am I trying to imply that you mean nothing to him and he is not that keen on you.

He has spent years with you and has a life with you! Of course you must have been a very special woman to him.

 

The point I am trying to make is: his actions are showing that, based on his feelings for you NOW, he feels like being sexual (at first) OR (at best) flirting with hot girls to get validation.

Worst case? He is having a full blown affair.

Best case? He is seeking outside validation. An ego boost that is derived OUTSIDE your relationship and, quiet inappropriately gained from a very attractive woman who supposedly "likes him".

 

Think of this like a court case; if presented with this evidence, do you truly think it is likely that a STUNNING woman would continually hit on a man who tells her loud and clear that he isn't interested?

Hot girls, the most beautiful looing girls, have many options in men (unless they have a TERRIBLE personality. Even then some men put up with them short term, aka FLINGS).

Do you think it makes sense that she would persistently make moves on him, time after time, when your boyfriend tells her repeatedly to " please leave me alone, I have a girlfriend for the millionth time and I AM NOT INTERESTED in having a relationship with you"

 

 

 

 

....She would have to be bat shyt crazy to continually pursue a man who keeps CLEARLY REJECTING HER.

 

 

 

I don't think he did reject her in a clear manner, if at all.

 

I think, at the very LEAST, he has strung her along and kept her hanging.. he has responded warmly to her advances yet cut the chord at actually getting physical.

Sadly, I think that they have already been physical, though. She flirted, he may have told her he had a partner, but then she tried again and he relented OR he changed his tune on his own accord, after she left him alone, and he didn't exactly swat her away after that..

 

 

 

 

It is not normal for a girl to look confused in this situation; if he rejected her hard enough, like he says he has, WHY would she be " confused"?

If she is confused about the situation, she must have mental problems or be a bit "slow" upstairs, if she is honestly confused at your "encounter"

A normal, sane person would "get it" if a guy were to "constantly reject our advances" Not that a normal or sane person, especially a good looking one, would even MAKE many advances on a guy who constantly rejects them, to begin with.

 

 

 

 

You need to read this very carefully.

[Bonnie123]

I'll reply properly son, just dealing with the baby. Leigh, what would you make of my initial question - if you saw a man standing back looking at the florr/not looking at the woman, why would you think he'd react like that?

[ExpatInItaly]

I'll reply properly son, just dealing with the baby. Leigh, what would you make of my initial question - if you saw a man standing back looking at the florr/not looking at the woman, why would you think he'd react like that?

 

OP, sorry, I realize this question is not directed at me so I hope you don't mind me stepping in...

 

Why do you keep focusing on that point of the confrontation? I realize you're trying to gather as many perspectives as possible, but after 8 pages of posts, there's been a general consensus that your boyfriend is lying to you and is embarrassed about the confrontation. It's but one red flag is a field of many. Are you hoping that someone here will offer an explanation for his ground-looking that somehow magically assure you that he's telling the truth? He's not and you know it.

 

At this point, what are you going to do?

[Bonnie123]

JT, I'd much rather that version but I don't think I can explain it away so easily.

 

I just got off the phone with my friend. Her younger brother also works at the same place so she'd asked him if he'd ever seen anything odd. He told her that he'd overheard a conversation between my partner and another guy with him saying how awkward it's going to be with me and her in the same place and he was scared. The brother also said that him and this woman chat happily as far as he could see, there was no issue. Apparently he saw them talking a couple of days beforehand, but then the woman mentioned he seemed to be avoiding her for the days prior to the show (it was a bar off a comedy club)

[HappyLove]

JT, I'd much rather that version but I don't think I can explain it away so easily.

 

I just got off the phone with my friend. Her younger brother also works at the same place so she'd asked him if he'd ever seen anything odd. He told her that he'd overheard a conversation between my partner and another guy with him saying how awkward it's going to be with me and her in the same place and he was scared. The brother also said that him and this woman chat happily as far as he could see, there was no issue. Apparently he saw them talking a couple of days beforehand, but then the woman mentioned he seemed to be avoiding her for the days prior to the show (it was a bar off a comedy club)

 

I think it's safe to say your man has been lying to you. This just gets shadier by the second. So did you know she would be there? Sounds like he was VERY friendly with the girl and maybe since your friend told you to watch her, your man got defensive and says 'oh no she's obsessed with ME'. When your friend told you to watch her, did you tell your bf right away and what did he say?

[Bonnie123]

No, I didn't know. He said she might be there, but didn't tell me how he knew. I told him within the day and his response was to laugh it off in a what?! kindof way

[Treasa]

Regardless of what this all means, you need to leave this girl alone. You have no evidence of her doing anything wrong, and she's not the one who owes you anything.

 

Go ahead and be stealthy and try to figure out what's going on with your partner, but I strongly advise not touching other people as that can be construed as assault and you could end up arrested.

 

If you had poked ME back when I was in my early 20s, there would be been a really ugly throw-down.

 

Thankfully, as we get older, we mature and supposedly make better decisions when it comes to uncomfortable situations.

[HappyLove]

No, I didn't know. He said she might be there, but didn't tell me how he knew. I told him within the day and his response was to laugh it off in a what?! kindof way

 

So after all of what's gone down. What does your man have to say? Did you ask him why he stared at the floor? Did you question him at all? Are you just gonna let this be?

[Bonnie123]

I've spoken a little about it to him on the phone today on his lunch but I'm planning on a proper conversation when he gets home.

 

I probed a bit more but didn't want to drop friend's brother in while he was still in the same building. I was truing to judge his responses and although he was still saying he's done nothing, there was something odd in his voice. He should be home soon.

 

If he's done NOTHING, why would he be saying me and her in the same location would be awkward...*sigh*

[HappyLove]

I've spoken a little about it to him on the phone today on his lunch but I'm planning on a proper conversation when he gets home.

 

I probed a bit more but didn't want to drop friend's brother in while he was still in the same building. I was truing to judge his responses and although he was still saying he's done nothing, there was something odd in his voice. He should be home soon.

 

If he's done NOTHING, why would he be saying me and her in the same location would be awkward...*sigh*

 

I'd leave anything the friends brother told you out of it. He did you a favor.

[Bonnie123]

That's a fair point actually, thanks. He should be home in 8 minutes...I'm counting down

[Bonnie123]

Well...I'm in shock but I can't believe what he just admitted to so easily. He came home and something was off, he was being quiet so I just said I need to know exactly what happened and that he wasn't acting normal.

 

He said that the manager spoke to him today and asked him if the woman and him had history and if she had anything 'on' him, he said no. She also told him to keep me away from her and if I'm ever there at the same time I have to keep my head down and stay away from her

 

I pointed out that this was ridiculous if he'd done nothing and the manager sounded like she was supporting her...after some skirting around he admitted that at one point they were very close and he had fallen in love with her and the feeling was mutual. He said nothing happened physically, bar a hug but when pressed he said he was more affectionnate than anything else, stroking her hair, having coffee waiting for her, asking her to stay for lunch with him when she wasn't on the clock to cheer him up after a bad day, arms around her waist...He said people started to talk about them especially after one of the 18yr old employees saw her with her arms around his neck and his arms around her waist. I just...what the hell. He said that he couldn't help it, they had an immediate connection and was really really sorry. He said that when I told him I was pregnant again, he told her and she told him she wanted nothing to do with him....7 months ago. She was told to speak to him again a few months later due to it causing gossip with other staff and that nothing bar the car/gift/project had happened since

 

I just...what the actual F :'(

[HappyLove]

Well...I'm in shock but I can't believe what he just admitted to so easily. He came home and something was off, he was being quiet so I just said I need to know exactly what happened and that he wasn't acting normal.

 

He said that the manager spoke to him today and asked him if the woman and him had history and if she had anything 'on' him, he said no. She also told him to keep me away from her and if I'm ever there at the same time I have to keep my head down and stay away from her

 

I pointed out that this was ridiculous if he'd done nothing and the manager sounded like she was supporting her...after some skirting around he admitted that at one point they were very close and he had fallen in love with her and the feeling was mutual. He said nothing happened physically, bar a hug but when pressed he said he was more affectionnate than anything else, stroking her hair, having coffee waiting for her, asking her to stay for lunch with him when she wasn't on the clock to cheer him up after a bad day, arms around her waist...He said people started to talk about them especially after one of the 18yr old employees saw her with her arms around his neck and his arms around her waist. I just...what the hell. He said that he couldn't help it, they had an immediate connection and was really really sorry. He said that when I told him I was pregnant again, he told her and she told him she wanted nothing to do with him....7 months ago. She was told to speak to him again a few months later due to it causing gossip with other staff and that nothing bar the car/gift/project had happened since

 

I just...what the actual F :'(

 

Wow Bonnie! Sorry he put you through this. If he was that bold to be hugging on her at work I wouldn't believe that this is all there is to it. Don't forget....he's a liar. What a jerk.

[Bonnie123]

I don't know what I'mmore surprised by, him doing it or him admitting it...what the hell, seriously

 

It also upsets me that he told her I was pregnant when I was 9 weeks, so even before we hit 12 and told family

[HappyLove]

I don't know what I'mmore surprised by, him doing it or him admitting it...what the hell, seriously

 

He's not admitting everything. He's now gone from she's obsessed to we are in love. Then for her to dump him because you got pregnant tells me there's more. Ugh.

[Bonnie123]

He said he said that because he couldn't bare hurting me but had to tell me something as I was suspicious and that he doesn't feel that way about her anymore

[ExpatInItaly]

Wow. I'm actually surprised he's admitted this much. But don't assume that's all there is to it, OP. I would almost put money on the fact that you're now getting a "cleaned-up" version of the truth. and that there are plenty of details he's not telling you. The only thing you now know for sure is that your man is a liar and was having an emotional affair, if not physical.

 

He is also an adept manipulator. He had you convinced some crazy girl was making unwanted advances when that was not the case whatsoever. You know you can trust your gut; you knew something wasn't right. This boyfriend is not who you thought he was.

[Space Ritual]

She was told to speak to him again a few months later due to it causing gossip with other staff and that nothing bar the car/gift/project had happened since

 

 

Bull

Effing

Crap

 

That is about the DUMBEST thing I have ever heard.

 

I am sorry but you are getting a bunch of half truths from this schlub because he is still in a cover his own ass mode.

 

I would bet PLENTY has happened since. I am sorry Bonnie but you just need to do a 180 on him and begin detaching from him. Sounds like he is about to drop some "Twin Flame" crap on you next...don't fall for it.

[Space Ritual]

Wow. I'm actually surprised he's admitted this much. But don't assume that's all there is to it, OP. I would almost put money on the fact that you're now getting a "cleaned-up" version of the truth. and that there are plenty of details he's not telling you. The only thing you now know for sure is that your man is a liar and was having an emotional affair, if not physical.

 

He is also an adept manipulator. He had you convinced some crazy girl was making unwanted advances when that was not the case whatsoever. You know you can trust your gut; you knew something wasn't right. This boyfriend is not who you thought he was.

 

You hit it right on the head Expat!

[Leigh 87]

I am so sorry this has happened.

 

Is having 2 children together and being together for 6 years enough of a reason to stay with a man who has fallen in love with someone else?

 

You're not the apple of his eye; it is not really possible to be utterly in love with someone in the DEEPEST sense, yet have room to fall in love with another.

It doesn't happen. Not possible. And this is from someone who has felt different variations of love.

The deepest, head over heels, most strongest and passionate type of love, that you feel maybe 3 times tops in a lifetime? Well, it is not mutually exclusive with having he ability to fall for someone else.

 

I know it is very difficult and heartbreaking to leave a person in your predicament.

Personally though, I want a man who is head over heels in love with me; I want a man who falls in love WITH ME, and who's love for me is strong ENOUGH to safeguard it against some stunning woman who works in his office.

 

 

 

Do you want to spend the rest of your life with a guy who has fallen in love with someone else?

 

Or, do you want a guy who safeguards his love for you?

 

 

 

 

 

 

There is a man I met after meeting my boyfriend who I could fall in love with if I let myself. Wait scrap that, I am too in love with my current guy to let myself fall in love for this other guy. Even if I was around that guy every day, my heart and mind are too much with my boyfriend to be elsewhere.

What I mean to say is; at worst, I will meet men, like this one guy I inferred to, who I know I "would" fall in love with IF I was single and my heart was my own and did not in fact, belong to my boyfriend.

 

 

 

How do you feel about marrying and spending your life with a man who fell in love with someone else?

What does that say about the degree of his love for you?

I am so sorry if I am making you feel like crap, as I said earlier; I am sure he WAS crazy about you for a long time, I am not trying to undermine your 6 year relationship.

 

I am inviting you to consider the type of love you want.

 

Men are simple. They are like us; if they find "the one" we don't eff it up, if it truly is, in fact, that once or twice in a lifetime sort of love....

 

 

Good luck with this situation, I really feel for you.

[Leigh 87]

Well...I'm in shock but I can't believe what he just admitted to so easily. He came home and something was off, he was being quiet so I just said I need to know exactly what happened and that he wasn't acting normal.

 

He said that the manager spoke to him today and asked him if the woman and him had history and if she had anything 'on' him, he said no. She also told him to keep me away from her and if I'm ever there at the same time I have to keep my head down and stay away from her

 

I pointed out that this was ridiculous if he'd done nothing and the manager sounded like she was supporting her...after some skirting around he admitted that at one point they were very close and he had fallen in love with her and the feeling was mutual. He said nothing happened physically, bar a hug but when pressed he said he was more affectionnate than anything else, stroking her hair, having coffee waiting for her, asking her to stay for lunch with him when she wasn't on the clock to cheer him up after a bad day, arms around her waist...He said people started to talk about them especially after one of the 18yr old employees saw her with her arms around his neck and his arms around her waist. I just...what the hell. He said that he couldn't help it, they had an immediate connection and was really really sorry. He said that when I told him I was pregnant again, he told her and she told him she wanted nothing to do with him....7 months ago. She was told to speak to him again a few months later due to it causing gossip with other staff and that nothing bar the car/gift/project had happened since

 

I just...what the actual F :'(

 

 

And what a crock! He COULD absolutely help it! He CHOSE to spend more and more time with a woman who he knew he was develop inappropriate feelings towards.

It was WELL within his control.

 

I am sorry this wasn't some unattractive, desperate chick that was obsessing over your boyfriend. When you saw she was a stunner who looked "confused" I knew right away something was fishy. Since stunning woman who have a professional job like she does do not tend to be desperate stalkers who continually pursue guys that reject them....

 

Now, another very important point to consider..

 

People don't just "put their arms around each other" without taking it further at some point. No one has the self control to just leave it there...

Once there are arms around each others necks and waists... There is definitely sex or at least a good deal of fooling around.

Think about it. If you were doing something you weren't mean tot be doing, say, eating a Krispy Kreme when you were desperately trying to lose weight...If you put your mouth on the Krispy Kreme, and licked the surface.. smelt it.. Would you be able to refrain from taking a bite?

 

If I were you, I would just say " once your hands were all over each other and you were in each others arms, the way people caught you in at work, I find it hard to believe that you would have "stopped" there.

I would then say " why stop there? You knew you were already crossing the line by holding onto her in an inappropriate way. Why would you stop then? You already crossed a HUGE boundary"

 

They definitely did more than just "cuddle":sick:

 

What he did is as bad as physical cheating in my books. Falling in love is no better than if he had slept with her. He still crossed the same boundary.

 

Only couples counselling can save you guys. Why did he fall in love with someone else? Was his love for you never that "wow" to begin with? Have you gained a lot of weight (hang on, the head over heels in love type of love doesn't just disappear with weight gain).

 

You have to get to the bottom of the reason as to WHY he allowed himself to fall in love with another woman.

What sort of thing did you have in the early stages? You have to figure out what you both want, and what you both have with each other as it stands; did you ever have that "omg, all consuming love"? Or, did you settle for a sensible choice without much passion or chemistry?

If you truly had something remarkable to begin with, a professional can help you to repair things. Although personally, I believe he has physically cheated and I would not want the relationship to work in my case...

[whichwayisup]

First things first, both of you get STD's test done. And let him know that if there's any chance he has passed anything on to you, then he better admit EVERYTHING, even if it hurts to hear.

 

Bonnie, i am sorry that you're hurting, he's a real shi.t to do this to you and betray you like this.

 

Unfortunately, there's probably much more he hasn't told you.. I hope he comes clean with the truth.

[Bonnie123]

I can't sleep, still trying to digest it all. After having a proper conversation about it I do actually believe that thats all that happened, he was far too pathetic to be lying. I know he wanted more to happen, though and that kills me.

 

I've been thinking about it since he went to bed ans I think I'm going to risk contacting the woman

[Keke1]

I can't sleep, still trying to digest it all. After having a proper conversation about it I do actually believe that thats all that happened, he was far too pathetic to be lying. I know he wanted more to happen, though and that kills me.

 

I've been thinking about it since he went to bed ans I think I'm going to risk contacting the woman

 

Why contact her? Deal with the problem(him) stop running from it and trying to pass any blame. Don't put anything past a liar either. Hell you weren't even prepared to hear he loved another.

[Bonnie123]

Who is running from or passing anything? I want her to tell me if what he's said is true