ComingInHot Posted February 20, 2014 Share Posted February 20, 2014 Bonnie123 do you have a place you and the kids can go? Or can you ask him to go stay somewhere for a few nights? Let Him be without You, your place, your children. Maybe that will jar his head out of his a$$.?.?...* I hate this is happening to you!! 2 Link to post Share on other sites
Author Bonnie123 Posted February 22, 2014 Author Share Posted February 22, 2014 I've gone to my parents for a few days. I don't even want to look at him. I don't know if it'll achieve anything and with him pulling his head out of his a$$...I'm scared she wasright and if it wasn't for our latest baby, he would have left me for her. Me and our first child didn't stop him, did it? 3 Link to post Share on other sites
Leigh 87 Posted February 22, 2014 Share Posted February 22, 2014 I've gone to my parents for a few days. I don't even want to look at him. I don't know if it'll achieve anything and with him pulling his head out of his a$$...I'm scared she wasright and if it wasn't for our latest baby, he would have left me for her. Me and our first child didn't stop him, did it? The biggest thing that you need to consider is: he fell in love with another woman. You deserve a man who is very much in love with you, to the extent that he will remove himself from situations where he finds himself around a woman he has strong chemistry with. I don't talk to men who I think I'd have good chemistry with. I am really in love with my boyfriend and doubt I'd fall for someone else; I still would rather remove myself from situations where I feel very strong chemistry. I felt strong chemistry with my bf and a couple of other guys; if you're truly in love, you don't want to tempt fate.. there are more than "one" ones who you will meet throughout life. You deserve a man who will put your relationship before all else. You deserve a man who is very happily in love and who won't let himself fall for someone else. It's quiet obvious when you have the "it" factor with someone else, and I personally find it very easy to cut those rare people out when I have a boyfriend ( essentially, those rare few people who you also have very strong chemistry with) You deserve so much better than your partner. Having children doesn't mean it's ideal to stay in relationships where one partner allows a themselves to fall for another woman. I am so sorry you're going through this. It makes me want to hold onto my own boyfriend very tightly. I can't imagine how awful it would be if he fell for another woman. I'd be devastated. I would also leave him. Kids or no kids. Please make the right decision. You have a good chance of meeting a better guy for you one day, when you have gotten over this nightmare. 3 Link to post Share on other sites
ComingInHot Posted February 22, 2014 Share Posted February 22, 2014 Oh Bonnie123 I'm so sorry* Only you know what you want for You and your family. Do what you think is best darlin. I cheering for you right now because you can't yet* Link to post Share on other sites
whichwayisup Posted February 22, 2014 Share Posted February 22, 2014 I've gone to my parents for a few days. I don't even want to look at him. I don't know if it'll achieve anything and with him pulling his head out of his a$$...I'm scared she wasright and if it wasn't for our latest baby, he would have left me for her. Me and our first child didn't stop him, did it? No decision has to be made today or tomorrow. Just do what you feel is best for you and your kids. Let him stew in it and suffer some consequences. He's been lying and omitting the truth from you for a long time now so hopefully with you not home, he'll wake up and the damage he's done. You are in control now, not him. 3 Link to post Share on other sites
Space Ritual Posted February 22, 2014 Share Posted February 22, 2014 I've gone to my parents for a few days. I don't even want to look at him. I don't know if it'll achieve anything and with him pulling his head out of his a$$...I'm scared she wasright and if it wasn't for our latest baby, he would have left me for her. Me and our first child didn't stop him, did it? Well Bonnie, I am sorry that this all happened but please take time for yourself to decide what YOU want to do. I think you have gotten some very good advice on this thread for the most part. I also think you should probably seriously consider what type of future you see with this guy. My fear for you now is that you will make a decision based on fear and not on rationale. Of course it is human to do so when faced with such a situation, but please be advised that if you do sweep this under the rug the likelihood of your fiance doing this again in the future would increase since he would have in reality seen not much consequence for his actions. Please hold him accountable. And good luck. Sorry you are going through this. Link to post Share on other sites
Author Bonnie123 Posted February 22, 2014 Author Share Posted February 22, 2014 Thanks guys. SpaceRitual - we're not engaged, he's looked at rings online apparently for the last two years but goes between that in the next minute saying he doesn't want to get married (to me or at all?)...He doesn't know I know that either. That says something, though, doesn't it? Any male opinions on that one? If you wanted to marry someone, reallllllly wanted to, you wouldn't be doing that, would you? Link to post Share on other sites
Space Ritual Posted February 22, 2014 Share Posted February 22, 2014 Thanks guys. SpaceRitual - we're not engaged, he's looked at rings online apparently for the last two years but goes between that in the next minute saying he doesn't want to get married (to me or at all?)...He doesn't know I know that either. That says something, though, doesn't it? Any male opinions on that one? If you wanted to marry someone, reallllllly wanted to, you wouldn't be doing that, would you? Oops sorry I stand corrected. Well yeah in my opinion if he lollygagged for 2 years and waffled about it he will probably not be really looking to get married.... However.... Do not be surprised given what you have written on this thread thus far if he dangles that marriage carrot now in front of you in an effort to get you to sweep all of this under the rug. Just my opinion of course but please be on the lookout for it. Link to post Share on other sites
Author Bonnie123 Posted February 22, 2014 Author Share Posted February 22, 2014 Oh my god, I can actually see that happening. He's already done the I love you so much, it's you I wants...but what I'm actually hearing is he wants the children/house/security of being happy 'enough'...does that make sense? Do men think like that? Link to post Share on other sites
Space Ritual Posted February 22, 2014 Share Posted February 22, 2014 Sometimes yes, especially when painted into a corner...and your man painted himself into a corner I would ask you to read my tagline over and over. Words mean squat, actions mean everything. If I were him I and I messed up like this and had actual REMORSE (which I don't see him having) instead of REGRET (which is what I see him having...because he didn't cover his ass well enough).......I would be doing at the bare minimum: 1.Actively seeking another job 2.Giving you all passwords to his social media accounts, my phone, my email...making the effort to becoming trans parent for you. 3. Reading some books, and educating myself and trying to figure out why I am so broken that I risk losing my family over this.... 4. Actively seeking some kind of counseling for myself first, and then actively seeking out Couple's counseling with you. But again for most people, especially those who demonstrate regret instead of remorse, it may be too daunting a task.....I expect right now he just is going to wait you out and see if you will "get over it". And when he feels confident that you have, he'll be right back on the horse with the next female that tickles his fancy, that is not Bonnie 123. I could of course be way off base, and I hope he gets it, but without consequences he will see this as merely a "rough patch" and will continue doing what he is doing. 1 Link to post Share on other sites
Kizmet Fisher Posted February 22, 2014 Share Posted February 22, 2014 Oh my god, I can actually see that happening. He's already done the I love you so much, it's you I wants...but what I'm actually hearing is he wants the children/house/security of being happy 'enough'...does that make sense? Do men think like that? It makes perfect sense, and a lot of people feel like that at some point in their lives, not just men. It takes a whole lot of time and effort to build a life together with someone, that's why people are reluctant to give it up, even if they know it's for the best. I think you'd be a bit naive honestly, if you didn't realise that your children/house/belongings/etc play a part in why he wants you to stay. What you need to remember though, is that this man had an emotional affair with another woman, and was completely in love with her. All whilst coming home to you and not giving any indications of what was really going on. How can you trust him? He even lied to you directly about the woman, and continued to lie until he was completely backed into a corner. No one here knows whether or not he actually loves you. What we do know however (as demonstrated by his behaviour) is that he is a huge liar, is not loyal, and hasn't married you - despite the fact you have 2 kids together. Doesn't seem like he's too sure about you, which: after 6 years and 2 kids he really should be. Please don't waste any more of your time with this guy, he is obviously not the man he pretended to be. 1 Link to post Share on other sites
Author Bonnie123 Posted February 22, 2014 Author Share Posted February 22, 2014 I can tell you now he will do none of those things. He works in an 'active' job industry and although he complains that he hates it and has done for 2 years, he's looked at ither jobs but never done anything seriously about it Also he's not exactly a 'book' or councilling kind of guy. He doesn't talk about problems etc but he did with her, that kills me. I already know the password to his phone, he's never been funny about it but I don't know if thats just stupidity Link to post Share on other sites
Space Ritual Posted February 22, 2014 Share Posted February 22, 2014 Well in that case I would not expect him to pull his head out of his ass anytime soon. Miracles can and do happen but again if he is not willing to undertake actions that demonstrate his commitment then I think at best you can expect this to happen again at some point in the future. As Kizmet pointed out he had at the very least an Emotional Affair. From what I have been able to see on this site EA's are many times more difficult for someone to work through than a physical affair, because of the "feelings" involved, whether real or imagined. It actually gives me pause to think that there may be others he had EA's with in the past. It seemed pretty effortless on his part to lie to you all this time. I hate to say it but thinking about it now there may be others you may not know about. Again, hope I am wrong, but I don't think this is his first time at the rodeo. Do not accept words from him unless he backs them up with actions Link to post Share on other sites
whichwayisup Posted February 23, 2014 Share Posted February 23, 2014 Oh my god, I can actually see that happening. He's already done the I love you so much, it's you I wants...but what I'm actually hearing is he wants the children/house/security of being happy 'enough'...does that make sense? Do men think like that? Bolded. Did you tell him exactly that? If not, tell him!! Say something like this "For 2 years you've put off getting married. If you wanted to marry me, you would have asked already.. Actions speak louder than words. You let yourself fall in love with another woman, bonded with her and in that process you emotionally detached from me. You say you love me so much but do you really? OR are you just afraid of letting go of your security blanket (aka ME) and the life we have together, the comfort and routines. WE have children together and are a family but that doesn't seem like enough for you. You love the idea of it all but your actions show me that you are not head over heels in love with me. Be honest, even if it hurts me to the core I need the truth." He's done so much damage and it's going to take A LOT for him to ease you back and earn your trust again. For starters, IF he wants you, then he must quit his job and find another one. It'll prove that he will do all required to gain your faith and trust again and show you that he does love you to fight for you and the family. 1 Link to post Share on other sites
ExpatInItaly Posted February 24, 2014 Share Posted February 24, 2014 Do NOT let him dangle the marriage carrot in front of you. If he really wanted to get married to you, he'd already have asked you. You already have two kids together, for heaven's sake. You clearly would like that commitment from him, but he clearly isn't yet ready to give it to you. All of this strife about his emotional affair compounds the fact that he just isn't sure if he wants to marry you. He's put you through a lot of emotional grief and a man who truly loves you and respects you would not do that. He is his top priority and your feelings aren't - that is not a man you would want to marry. (I hope!) I can almost guarantee you that he would've continued on with this fantasy world if you hadn't forced him to confess. That is a huge warning sign to you that he doesn't understand that what he did is wrong, and that it could indeed happen again. It may have happened before, too. He's panicking because he got caught. He may love you in the organic sense, but in my opinion he's no longer in love with you. He was quite happy to entertain his own feelings at your expense. Don't forget that. 1 Link to post Share on other sites
Author Bonnie123 Posted February 25, 2014 Author Share Posted February 25, 2014 I've asked him to give me a little space and only to call to talk to the children. I know I keep obssessing over it, but you're right, Expat, he'd have asked me not questioned it for a couple of years, wouldn't he? Urgh My friend told me her brother saw them both at a brief meeting today. She didn't look at him once, he said, but said that my 'partner' looked like he was pretending not to look at her or doing everything he could to not look at her.............??? Link to post Share on other sites
Keke1 Posted February 25, 2014 Share Posted February 25, 2014 I've asked him to give me a little space and only to call to talk to the children. I know I keep obssessing about it, but you're right, Expat, he'd have asked me not questioned it for a couple of years, wouldn't he? Urgh My friend told me her brother saw them both at a brief meeting today. She didn't look at him once, he said, but said that my 'partner' looked like he was pretending not to look at her or doing everything he could to not look at her.............??? Please stop getting "reports" from ppl. The **** has already hit the fan. Focus on what you are going to do about him(the liar). 2 Link to post Share on other sites
Author Bonnie123 Posted March 22, 2014 Author Share Posted March 22, 2014 I thought I'd give an update as it's been nearly a month. After a LOT of talking and what seems like him being honest with me, I decided to give it another chance, mainly because of our kids but I do love him, otherwise there would have been no dilema for me... Things were going ok, he was being attentive, great with the children, going to work and calling me when he knew what time he'd be finishing and he'd arrive when he said he would, telling me he loves me etc etc He said he has had no contact with her whatsoever, but I also keep in mind that the manager has told him the other woman will call the police should any other incidents occur. I know people said it's not good to get 'reports' off people, but my best friend has been using the facility lately and she said she's seen the woman around and she doesn't look at him and never seen her speak to him or go anywhere near him. All good, I thought. But the last few weeks she said she's seen him looking at/watching her so asked her brother in confidence what things have been like. He said the same as what she's seen - she doesn't make eye contact etc, but he's seen him watching her. He said a few weeks ago the woman was in the canteen and his office is upstairs with a view of it and he saw him standing in the doorway of his office just staring at her 'sadly' for a good 5 minutes. She looked up and they locked eyes apparently, and she looked away immediately. Yesterday my friend was there again and saw something she found strange. He didn't see her there either. The woman was walking out of the building through the cafeteria and my partner was there too on his break. He dropped something on the floor, bent down to pick it up and stood back up again and stayed there gesturing for her to walk past and stood staring at her as she walked past and out. She said she didn't stop or anything but looked at him strangely as he had no need to do that, he could have made it back to his table way before he would have even been in her way... I know it doesn't sound like a big deal but I just don't understand why he would interact with her at all. My friend suggested he might be trying to make his life easier there by not feeling uncomfortable, but to me, it just makes it harder. Even if she didn't call the police, he's still playing with fire with me and the manager 'knowing'...(I will be asking him, but before I do that) I just don't understand why he'd do that or WANT anything to do with her after all this? Link to post Share on other sites
ExpatInItaly Posted March 22, 2014 Share Posted March 22, 2014 I thought I'd give an update as it's been nearly a month. After a LOT of talking and what seems like him being honest with me, I decided to give it another chance, mainly because of our kids but I do love him, otherwise there would have been no dilema for me... Things were going ok, he was being attentive, great with the children, going to work and calling me when he knew what time he'd be finishing and he'd arrive when he said he would, telling me he loves me etc etc He said he has had no contact with her whatsoever, but I also keep in mind that the manager has told him the other woman will call the police should any other incidents occur. I know people said it's not good to get 'reports' off people, but my best friend has been using the facility lately and she said she's seen the woman around and she doesn't look at him and never seen her speak to him or go anywhere near him. All good, I thought. But the last few weeks she said she's seen him looking at/watching her so asked her brother in confidence what things have been like. He said the same as what she's seen - she doesn't make eye contact etc, but he's seen him watching her. He said a few weeks ago the woman was in the canteen and his office is upstairs with a view of it and he saw him standing in the doorway of his office just staring at her 'sadly' for a good 5 minutes. She looked up and they locked eyes apparently, and she looked away immediately. Yesterday my friend was there again and saw something she found strange. He didn't see her there either. The woman was walking out of the building through the cafeteria and my partner was there too on his break. He dropped something on the floor, bent down to pick it up and stood back up again and stayed there gesturing for her to walk past and stood staring at her as she walked past and out. She said she didn't stop or anything but looked at him strangely as he had no need to do that, he could have made it back to his table way before he would have even been in her way... I know it doesn't sound like a big deal but I just don't understand why he would interact with her at all. My friend suggested he might be trying to make his life easier there by not feeling uncomfortable, but to me, it just makes it harder. Even if she didn't call the police, he's still playing with fire with me and the manager 'knowing'...(I will be asking him, but before I do that) I just don't understand why he'd do that or WANT anything to do with her after all this? Because he's still in love with her and is hoping she'll someday have the same feelings again. Link to post Share on other sites
Author Bonnie123 Posted March 22, 2014 Author Share Posted March 22, 2014 (edited) Do you think that's the only explanation? My friend said maybe it's him staring without thinking what he's doing andmay be just thinking negatively at the time...stupid theory? I don't understand why after all the pain this has caused he'd even want to get out of her way 'nicely' or whatever, especially as he chose us.... Edited March 22, 2014 by Bonnie123 Link to post Share on other sites
ExpatInItaly Posted March 22, 2014 Share Posted March 22, 2014 Do you think that's the only explanation? My friend said maybe it's him staring without thinking what he's doing andmay be just thinking negatively at the time...stupid theory? I don't understand why after all the pain this has caused he'd even want to get out of her way 'nicely' or whatever, especially as he chose us.... In this case, yes. Given how much he lied so you wouldn't find out he'd fallen in love with someone else, I do believe that's simply the only reason he's longingly gazing at her. His feelings are very much still there, in my opinion. And even though he chose you, remember that you're dealing with a known liar and manipulator. This is a man who will say whatever he thinks will get him out of an uncomfortable situation, even if it's quite far from the truth and hurts you deeply in the process - he puts his own desires first. I don't really get why you're having a hard time understanding that, to be honest. He\s shown you who he is. Link to post Share on other sites
Author Bonnie123 Posted March 22, 2014 Author Share Posted March 22, 2014 I know you're right. I'm just trying to put logic on something that isn't, I suppose. My thought process is, in a nutshell, her in any way shape or form = bad/negative. I don't understand why he would risk his job (taking us out of the equasion) trying to interact with her or do completely pointless things like 'letting' her pass and making a show of it and other people saw apparently Link to post Share on other sites
Survivor12 Posted March 23, 2014 Share Posted March 23, 2014 I know you're right. I'm just trying to put logic on something that isn't, I suppose. My thought process is, in a nutshell, her in any way shape or form = bad/negative. I don't understand why he would risk his job (taking us out of the equasion) trying to interact with her or do completely pointless things like 'letting' her pass and making a show of it and other people saw apparently Because love is blind...and sometimes very foolish Link to post Share on other sites
Author Bonnie123 Posted March 23, 2014 Author Share Posted March 23, 2014 Survivor, do you think thats the only explanation too? It couldn't be anything negative? He's on his brother's stag weekend and won't be back till tomorrow Link to post Share on other sites
ExpatInItaly Posted March 23, 2014 Share Posted March 23, 2014 I know you're right. I'm just trying to put logic on something that isn't, I suppose. My thought process is, in a nutshell, her in any way shape or form = bad/negative. I don't understand why he would risk his job (taking us out of the equasion) trying to interact with her or do completely pointless things like 'letting' her pass and making a show of it and other people saw apparently I think you've answered your own questions, Bonnie. You're trying to apply logic to a situation and person that aren't. He has demonstrated to you that he doesn't think of consequences; he thinks of his own desires and needs first and doesn't appear to be concerned about the results. Hence, the fairy--tale he spun you about her being "obsessed" with him. Actually, in a twisted way, his present behaviour is logical if you consider his pattern of past behaviour: par for the course, really. It sounds like he misses her. He wants her back in his life. He's taking a big risk doing so, which should tell you all you need to know about your place in his life. He's still got it bad for her. It's sad.. Link to post Share on other sites
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