Author Bonnie123 Posted March 23, 2014 Author Share Posted March 23, 2014 God, I feel like the biggest idiot. But if all he is doing is looking at her, he technically isn't doing anything 'wrong'. Urgh, I don't know... Do you think there is any possible credence in my friend's theory of trying to make his life easier/himself feel less uncomfortable by interacting with her, in theory taking away the awkwardness and getting to play Mr nice guy of sorts? In a warped kind of way, I can see her logic, he doesn't want her to think of him negatively, but then he shouldn't want her thinking of him at all Link to post Share on other sites
mickleb Posted March 23, 2014 Share Posted March 23, 2014 Hi Bonnie. I've just read through this entire thread and, whilst I feel very sorry for all you've been put through, just want to shake you! You clearly love this man a lot, and are trying very hard to push all that has happened away, but it is as clear as day. He wants her and doesn't care about anything else. It's sad and pathetic but so are your attempts to believe the opposite. I really think you need to kick him out on his arse. It will be very hard at first, but I think, a couple of months in, who he really is will hit you. You have crap in your eyes because the truth is too painful. You need some space to clear your head. If you take it, you will soon realise that you cannot continue to love a man who has treated you as appallingly as he has. I am, truly, very sorry you are in this situation. But you must face who he really is, instead of refusing to. Your children will undoubtedly suffer because of the actions of their father when you separate from him. But please don't think they won't if you stay. You will simply prolong your own pain, and they will witness it. And, one day, they will learn the truth about him. He is responsible for the break up of your family. And he is incapable of making the situation better. You must take control of you and your children's future now. Good luck. Link to post Share on other sites
Author Bonnie123 Posted March 23, 2014 Author Share Posted March 23, 2014 Thanks for your reply, mickle. Do you think my friend's theory is crap too? He was out of our house for 2 weeks and although it sounds pathetic, things felt much better when I he came back Link to post Share on other sites
mickleb Posted March 23, 2014 Share Posted March 23, 2014 Your friend's theory sounds like the sort of thing someone says when they are either trying to comfort someone or when they are playing devil's advocate, for the sake of fairness. Unfortunately, however, knowing what we know about your partner, it doesn't sound credible at all. You know, deep in your heart, that he still wants this woman to reciprocate his feelings towards her. That is a very painful reality to accept. It will take you months just to begin to process it. Of course things felt much better after he was away for two weeks. You missed him like hell whilst you were still in the shock phase of hearing he was/is in love with someone else. You had no time to truly understand what that meant for yourself and your relationship. He promised things would be better and you wanted to believe him. You, very understandably, didn't want your children to be without their father. He came back and you played happy families for a couple of weeks. But that's all it was: acting. The reality is that he has shattered your relationship for some fantasy with a pretty young girl from work. The reality is that his is a f*cking idiot. And you really need to give yourself the space to see this. I think, when you do, you will feel absolutely disgusted at what he has done. And that is the appropriate response. The man you fell in love with and deepened your love for, over the last six years, is not the same man today. He is a very selfish man who has used you to raise his children and as some kind of safety net, while he - in front of his work colleagues - touched up a young woman, and told her he loved her. She saw that he was a pig when he told her about you being pregnant. He showed her that he was. How much more clearly does he have to show it to you? 1 Link to post Share on other sites
Author Bonnie123 Posted March 24, 2014 Author Share Posted March 24, 2014 I really really wanted everything to be ok and perhaps stupidly, thought they were going to be I'm now thinking, what happens the day she looks back at him? Or, has she already and thats why he's trying to interact now? I dont understand why hes changed his behavior *now*?! My friend's brother said a lot of people are talking trash about this woman and he thinks its to do with this situation and that she's really affected Link to post Share on other sites
mickleb Posted March 24, 2014 Share Posted March 24, 2014 Stop it, Bonnie. It's not about her, for you, any more. It doesn't matter if she suddenly does a 180 and flings herself into his arms. (Highly unlikely.) It is about opening your eyes. You've got to do this! He does not love you as he should. Far, far from it. It's debatable whether he loves you at all, considering how dreadfully he is treating you. Please understand that his behaviour has not changed. He has just pretended, at times, that he is still the guy you fell for - to keep his kids' mum at home with his kids, while he goes out playing teenager with the cute girl at work. Stop being blind to this, Bonnie. You will lose the respect of those around you, including even your little children, one day, not to mention yourself. Kick him out and keep him out until the reality hits. It will. But it hasn't yet. I have to go to bed now - it's late here! But I'll check in with you tomorrow. You've got to start putting the blame where it belongs - at the feet of your children's father. Stop being the fool he relies on you to be. Show him who the dumbass in your family is, and kick that lying POS out! 1 Link to post Share on other sites
ExpatInItaly Posted March 24, 2014 Share Posted March 24, 2014 Stop it, Bonnie. It's not about her, for you, any more. It doesn't matter if she suddenly does a 180 and flings herself into his arms. (Highly unlikely.) It is about opening your eyes. You've got to do this! He does not love you as he should. Far, far from it. It's debatable whether he loves you at all, considering how dreadfully he is treating you. Please understand that his behaviour has not changed. He has just pretended, at times, that he is still the guy you fell for - to keep his kids' mum at home with his kids, while he goes out playing teenager with the cute girl at work. Stop being blind to this, Bonnie. You will lose the respect of those around you, including even your little children, one day, not to mention yourself. Kick him out and keep him out until the reality hits. It will. But it hasn't yet. I have to go to bed now - it's late here! But I'll check in with you tomorrow. You've got to start putting the blame where it belongs - at the feet of your children's father. Stop being the fool he relies on you to be. Show him who the dumbass in your family is, and kick that lying POS out! This exactly. Jesus Christ, Bonnie. Your guy is a damn loser. What the hell happened to your standards?! You really are acting like a fool, now. I don't mean to be harsh but you're coming across as quite desperate. Do you not think you can do better than him? HE IS IN LOVE WITH A WOMAN WHO ISN'T YOU. Shaking my head... Link to post Share on other sites
Leigh 87 Posted March 24, 2014 Share Posted March 24, 2014 Time spent together, kids and a home/life together DOES NOT mean it is somehow possible to get him to fall madly in love with you. Do you think that a man who is madly in love with a woman can also fall in love with another? Do you know how unlikely that is? The vast majority of men you ask will say " no I cannot be head over heels in love with more than ONE woman at a time" Do you want a guy to be crazy about you? OR, do you not want a great love; do you want a guy who has grown to love you in a platonic, purely mother of his children type of way? Personally, I do not think kids and years spent together mean that it is ideal for you to stay with a man who has fallen in love with another woman. You will be much happier in the long run if you seek out a man who ONLY has eyes for you. Link to post Share on other sites
Survivor12 Posted March 24, 2014 Share Posted March 24, 2014 (edited) I really really wanted everything to be ok and perhaps stupidly, thought they were going to be I'm now thinking, what happens the day she looks back at him? Or, has she already and thats why he's trying to interact now? I dont understand why hes changed his behavior *now*?! My friend's brother said a lot of people are talking trash about this woman and he thinks its to do with this situation and that she's really affected You aren't getting it...he told you that he was IN LOVE with her. You split for a couple of weeks then, because YOU "really really wanted everything to be ok", you went back. NOTHING HAS CHANGED. He has been obsessing over this woman for a YEAR and you think that in two weeks those feelings were going to go POOF? Even IF he wanted to get over her (which it appears he DOESN'T), it would take time and effort on his part. But instead, he is still groveling at her feet (literally). If he were really committed to you and your family, he would be avoiding her like the plague--but he ISN'T. He's doing everything he can to put himself into her line of sight despite the potential consequences involving his job. Look, it's time to stop looking for excuses and face reality. Your bf is so in love with another woman that he is willing to risk EVERYTHING--job, family & you--to have her. Whether or not she is still interested doesn't change the fact that he hasn't given up. Regardless of whether or not she "gives in", the fact remains that if given a choice, he would ditch you in a heartbeat. This is no longer about her--nor him. It doesnt matter whether she wants him or not. He has proven that if given the choice, he would choose her without hesitation. It's about YOU--Don't you want a man in your life who loves and cherishes you? A man you can trust? Or, are you satisfied to be the consolation prize? Do you really want to stay in a relationship that is held together only by your "hope"? What is your goal here? Is simply hanging on to him important enough to sacrifice your happiness and peace of mind? It's time to get real. Stop spinning your wheels looking for "clues". You've already found the answers. Either live with the knowledge you have and settle for living in your fantasy or take control of your own life and give yourself the chance of finding true hapiness without him. It's up to YOU. Edited March 24, 2014 by Survivor12 Link to post Share on other sites
Leigh 87 Posted March 24, 2014 Share Posted March 24, 2014 Once or twice in a lifetime, maybe more if you are quiet lucky, there will always be "that person" who just gets your heart racing like no other. You cannot help but have that instant connection. You fall in love with them hard and fast, and afterwards you just don't feel about others with the same intensity and passion as you did with "that one person".... That normally gets away. The majority of people don't have a great love that is passion based; they finds partners who are nice to them and who treat them well; who are trustworthy, reliable and have a good character (unlike your jerk partner). Or sometimes the connection truly is only passion based; the other end of the spectrum to the "steady and reliable" partner the vast majority marry. Once in a blue moon you get hat fiery passion coupled with a decent and reliable partner. RARELY. It normally lacks SOME passion, or along with the hot chemistry you feel for a partner who is okay, he is never GREAT to you and could possibly cheat once or twice, whilst remaining faithful the majority of the time. This guy clearly had either: raw passion OR the passion and the compatibility with this woman. With you it seems he is meh about you and has lost that fiery passion. I doubt he gazes at you longingly and hasn't for some time. Perhaps he never had that intense chemistry and desire for you to begin with, hence why he now resents that and feels entitled to go after it (he isn't he is a douche bag for not ending things with you first before "hugging" another woman!) I doubt he desires you with the same level of passion as he does that woman. To be honest, he would be better off with this woman, and you would be better off with a man who truly cherishes you and who is crazy about you, to the point of closing his eyes off to other women. For good! He would be happier with a lady he felt the fire in his heart for. He can still be a good hands on dad. I am sure he didn't merely do this because he was tiring of you and needed some excitement. He surely had some compelling feelings for this woman for things to have gotten this bad. As if he would want to risk his job and family UNLESS he felt VERY compelled to. In the same vein bonnie, you would be happier in the long run if you sought out, one day after you heal from the break up, a man who was very much into you and who felt the passion as well as the compatibility. It is rare to find passion and long term compatibility. You and your partner should go for it when you find it, albeit the WAY in which he went about it was absolutely despicable. This guy is no prize since the way he goes about things in his life indicates that he is spineless and lacks the strength of character to make true sacrifices for the ones who truly care for him. He could change but he has to basically acknowledge that he is a dirty slime ball first. Link to post Share on other sites
mickleb Posted March 24, 2014 Share Posted March 24, 2014 How's it going, Bonnie? You've gone quiet on us and I'm worried about you. Link to post Share on other sites
Author Bonnie123 Posted March 24, 2014 Author Share Posted March 24, 2014 I'm okay ish, thanks. I was waiting for him to come home but they've been delayed until tomorrow now When I mentioned her again, I meant it more in a 'what if she does look back, is he going to leave me for her?' therefore I have no choice in the matter kind of way I don't want to leave him, but if I don't, am I just playing a waiting game? I actually think even if she decided to talk to him again, he's too cowardly to actually leave us... Link to post Share on other sites
mickleb Posted March 24, 2014 Share Posted March 24, 2014 Hi. Glad you relied. Glad you're okay, even if it's 'ish'. There's a bit of a commitment phobic thing going on here, isn't there? He can't commit to you, can't leave you and can't get another girl out of his head. And you are too passive to just accept that he's awful. What does he offer you, Bonnie? Can you help me to understand why you want to remain at his side, after all this? Link to post Share on other sites
Author Bonnie123 Posted March 24, 2014 Author Share Posted March 24, 2014 When he's here he's wonderful, I literally couldn't ask for more. He cooks, cleans, takes amazing care of our children and is attentive to me. He's literally just called me and always ends the calls 'love you loads, babe'...it's as if nothing is wrong Link to post Share on other sites
mickleb Posted March 24, 2014 Share Posted March 24, 2014 Okay. Well, I'm very happy to hear he's a good father (aside from deceiving and humiliating his children's mother). He can continue to do that job without you two being together. A lot of guys are happy to cook and clean, as this is the 21st century. When he tells you he loves you, do you believe him? Link to post Share on other sites
Author Bonnie123 Posted March 24, 2014 Author Share Posted March 24, 2014 I do...he's not changed the way he says it all these years Link to post Share on other sites
GemmaUK Posted March 24, 2014 Share Posted March 24, 2014 I've ust read all of this and from your first post I thought that he had made it all up. He pretty much has done just that. The woman at his work really hasn't done barely anything except talk to him and not take a swipe at him when he touched her. I don't think she had a clue how obsessed your man was with her - she had no idea at that point. He told you she was the obsessed one in the beginning because HE was that obsessed that he knew he couldn't not talk about her and something would slip. That is also why he only looked at the floor when you confronted her that time and why she looked so confused. The obsession was all him. Not her at all. He is also still obsessed from the sound of it. Neither you, nor she deserved any of this from him. Link to post Share on other sites
mickleb Posted March 24, 2014 Share Posted March 24, 2014 And him being in-love/infatuated with someone else, plus acting on this, doesn't affect what those three words mean to you? Link to post Share on other sites
GemmaUK Posted March 24, 2014 Share Posted March 24, 2014 I do...he's not changed the way he says it all these years Along with what I posted above. This obsession is the kind of thing that is addictive behaviour. Right now it's still about her but if she disappeared I think he would find someone else to obsess over. I think it would happen again. The buzz he gets from seeing her gives him a high. If he couldn't see her I think he would find another victim. I don't think he could do without the buzz. Link to post Share on other sites
Author Bonnie123 Posted March 24, 2014 Author Share Posted March 24, 2014 I really don't think he would find someone else at all. I know I might sound stupid but at least with this woman I know he has/d feelings for her, it's not some random woman (which makes it worse for me, obviously). I'm not defending him, but he's not a 'bad' person, he's a spineless cowardly person, but not a nutcase Mickle - It does, but I genuinely believe he loves me, the way he acts when he's with us, calling me to tell me he loves me...I don't know if he loves me like her but I know in some way he does or at least believes it when he says it Link to post Share on other sites
mickleb Posted March 26, 2014 Share Posted March 26, 2014 You seem very scared, Bonnie. The only thing that seems important is that he might leave you. You don't seem to have any sense that you are responsible for your happiness, not him. Of course, if you don't mind that he can become infatuated with other women and lie to you, then none of this is a particularly big deal. If that really doesn't bother you. But please accept the full reality of that: If you saw him slathering all over her - this wouldn't hurt? If he lies to you again (it could be about anything - he's done it before) you wouldn't mind? What if he invited her over, she accepted, and he wanted you to cook for them both? Etc, etc. If you are truly fine with the full reality of him, then, by all means, stay. Remember that it's not just you, though, that your choice affects. As long as their mother is truly happy, your children shouldn't be too affected. But might learn one day what your idea of a good father is (a lying cheat) and emulate that, of course, or accept that behaviour in their future partners. You are both the most important role models they have, after all. Of course, there is also the strong possibility that your partner could leave you for this, or some other girl. Or, even, without another woman in the picture, whilst you sit back and accept this behaviour from your partner, that he begins to lose respect for you. And then, one day, leaves you for this reason. Then what are you left feeling, Bonnie? You put up with all of this selfish sh*it just to be left by him. Maybe because you put up with it. As I said, accept him if you want to, but don't kid yourself about who he is,what he's up to and what he's clearly capable of doing. Don't pretend, Bonnie, because then you'll end up breaking your own heart, and damaging your kids, at the same time. Link to post Share on other sites
Author Bonnie123 Posted March 26, 2014 Author Share Posted March 26, 2014 I am, scared, mickle, very scared. I still can't quite believe any of this has happened. I've not slept well and haven't had a conversation with him yet as I wanted to do something first. He got back late at night so went to bed and went to work in the morning...and I wanted to see for myself so I went to the facility. I know I might sound crazy for that but I wantedto see whatever I would/wouldn't see for myself It's quite easy to blend in if no one is expecting you so I wasn't worried about that (though I'm sort of past caring). I saw them both in the cafeteria at the counter about 10ft away from each other but the only people there. She was talking to the guy behind the counter and then another female trainer started talking to my partner but he suddenly got very loud about being off next week and all the stuff he's going to do around the house (including a games room that he's been looking forward to for a long time)...I don't know if he was trying to get her to hear or not but he got noticably louder Then a little while later he was with a client walking through a door that this woman and what looked like a friend were about to go through. Instead of just walking on with the woman he was talking to, he lingered an extra beat and held the door for this woman to take off him but still didn't look at her or make any eye contact. Am I reading too much into basic politeness? In theory it's nothing but every fibre of me is just asking why would he do that, you wouldn't be bothered about politeness even if you weren't thinking, you'd just stay the hell away from her? I know people think I shouldn't dwell on stuff like that as it doesn't matter, but I'm driving myself crazy thinking about the above, so if someone could please tell me their unbias thoughts on it, I'd really really appreciate it (and yes, I'll be having 'the' conversation later) Link to post Share on other sites
ExpatInItaly Posted March 26, 2014 Share Posted March 26, 2014 My thoughts are exactly the same as before: he is in love with someone else. He isn't in love with you. You need to kick his lying ass to the curb. And Bonnie..please don't visit their workplace again. There are two main reasons: 1) You are looking for further proof of what you already know. You are quite literally tormenting yourself by seeing with your own eyes that he's still in love with her. What does the gain you, exactly? and 2) If she sees you there, you could wind up with a legal problem on your hands. She's made it clear you are to stay away from her. Don't think she won't phone the police and file a complaint if she thinks you're lurking around. And one more time: he is in love with someone else. He isn't in love with you. You need to kick his lying ass to the curb. Link to post Share on other sites
ffsear Posted March 26, 2014 Share Posted March 26, 2014 If i were him, i'd be handing my notice in and finding a new job! He should not be putting you through this. Infact I think you have every right to tell him he should leave his job Link to post Share on other sites
Author Bonnie123 Posted March 26, 2014 Author Share Posted March 26, 2014 Ffsear - not to defend him in the slightest but unless he had something to walk into, we couldn't cope financially, we struggle for a completely comfortable life as it is. Plus they dont work directly together, just in the same building Link to post Share on other sites
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