What does his reaction mean?

[mickleb]

You don't sound very happy, Bonnie. You seem to be mostly in denial but occasionally conscious that something's happened. You shouldn't need more proof than your boyfriend's admission but you have now seen for yourself that he is using every opportunity to try to get her attention. And the fact that he can't afford to lose this job makes these pathetic attempts at doing the opposite of avoiding her, even more selfish.

 

If you were okay with all of this, Bonnie, that would be no one else's business, except, maybe your kids. But you don't sound happy to me. Your behaviour suggests you feel threatened and paranoid.

 

Are you happy, Bonnie?

[Bonnie123]

I do. I want to pretend none of this has happened because before this I WAS happy, I was content and our life was comfortable and happy.

 

You think even him holding a door open is too much, too, Mickle? Myfriend said maybe it was just politeness as there was someone else with him but...is that likely? He does like to be seen as a 'good guy'?

[Bonnie123]

Is it ridiculous to expect him to literally walk in the opposite direction when she is around?

[mickleb]

Is it ridiculous to expect him to literally walk in the opposite direction when she is around?

 

In order to demonstrate that he wants to keep his family together, not lose his job and prove to everyone that he is over her? No, not at all.

 

But this is still besides the point. You just want to pretend none of this happened in the first place.

 

But it did. And even if he was over her (he's not) nothing can be as it used to be. You used to have a boyfriend who was is love with you. That has changed. You used to have a boyfriend who you believed would be faithful to you. You don't. You used to have a boyfriend who you trusted didn't lie to you. But he does.

 

If he was at all serious about you, he would be begging your forgiveness and putting himself into therapy. He hasn't. He just spends his time risking the family's financial well being now by trying to get this girl to look at him. Because she is all that really matters to him.

 

You already lost him, Bonnie. He could leave at any point. His girlfriend and children wouldn't stop him. They weren't able to before. Only the object of his obsession could, as she rejected him.

 

It is highly likely that he will leave you. But there is a chance that you will finally smell the coffee and realise how selfish he is. Then you might finally get the guts to leave him.

 

You want to believe he makes you happy, Bonnie, but he hasn't, and isn't, is he?

Edited March 27, 2014 by mickleb

[Bonnie123]

I think it's so hard for me to believe as we really were happy before her, I know we were. He acts happy when he's at home and I want to believe it. He's always described himself as a 'in the moment type guy' and - clearly - thats true. I genuinely think that when he's here with us, he is happy...and when he was with her, he was happy...I just don't know wtf he was thinking over all.

 

'He just spends his time risking the family's financial well being now by trying to get this girl to look at him. Because she is all that really matters to him.'

 

Do you think it could possibly just be a lust thing? He's still attracted to her, so looks at her...? Or that he just held the door (or whatever else) to keep up appearances to others?

 

I appreciate your replies (and the others) by the way, although I might sound like a broken record, this really is helping as I can't talk to anyone in real life about it

[mickleb]

If it's just lust, why did he choose to use the words 'in love' to describe it?

 

Where are your family, Bonnie?

[Bonnie123]

I mean now rather than nearly a year ago. I don't see how he could still love/want her after nearly a year of them 'ending', even if they did talk after, it was just talking...?

 

My family are local but I don't want them to know anything

[mickleb]

I mean now rather than nearly a year ago. I don't see how he could still love/want her after nearly a year of them 'ending', even if they did talk after, it was just talking...?

 

My family are local but I don't want them to know anything

 

You don't? Unrequited love can be a consuming force. Especially, I think, for men.

 

Why don't you want your family to know anything?

[Bonnie123]

Because I don't want them to look at him differently and comment constantly. If I decide to leave I'd tell them obviously (!) but until then I need to be sure beore I change our dynamic forever

 

She said she fell in love with him too, so it's not even unrequited. She said she never told him though...

 

Why especially for men?

[mickleb]

Your response about your family demonstrates your level of denial in this situation. You know exactly how they would react to him, but don't want to deal with it.

 

What can't you be sure about?

 

They fell for each other but she ended it before it was consummated because she knew it was wrong. That's the stuff the great romance novels were built on.

 

But still, it's besides the point. You seem only concerned that he might leave you. Your happiness is dependent on him. You seem to be searching for proof that he won't. You will not get it. You will remain paranoid because you are with a man who lied to you, fell in love with another woman, would've left you if she'd have wanted that and seeks attention from her whenever he can.

 

Your self esteem is on the floor, Bonnie. You have no guarantee that he will stay with you, at all. You will remain frightened that he will leave. This is the life you are choosing because being scared he will go seems to you better than than being alone. If you leave him, you will feel awful for a while, Bonnie. But it will be very much worth it after a matter of months.

 

You have a chance to be happy if you leave him. But I can't see how you will be if you stay.

 

I can only repeat myself so many times, Bonnie. You seem to be determined to excuse his horrible treatment of you. I can't help you very much if this is where you wish to remain.

[Bonnie123]

'would've left you if she'd have wanted that '

 

I don't think he would have because of that, I think if I hadn't just told him I was pregnant again, I think he may have

 

I know you're right, I go between being realistic about it but then it just feeling so surreal again. At the moment he's ordering stuff for his games room and supplies to fix the roof, I don't get the logic of investing in our home if he doesn't want to be here

[mickleb]

'would've left you if she'd have wanted that '

 

I don't think he would have because of that, I think if I hadn't just told him I was pregnant again, I think he may have

 

I know you're right, I go between being realistic about it but then it just feeling so surreal again. At the moment he's ordering stuff for his games room and supplies to fix the roof, I don't get the logic of investing in our home if he doesn't want to be here

 

He told her you were pregnant and she said it had to end between them. He didn't end it. She did.

 

He's staying at the moment because you're his best option. At the moment. He does have a good thing with you (two kids, a home and a girlfriend who doesn't even get angry when he tells her he's fallen in love with someone else). She won't have him, so he's sticking with what he's left with. But you really don't seem to think it's possible that he might leave you for someone else. Maybe he won't ever find someone else who turns his head. But it really is doubtful. You and your home and your kids are not his priority. He has demonstrated that to you.

 

He could leave for other reasons, in the future. He's just not leaving right this second. You have no guarantee that he will not. His past and current behaviour is a strong indication that he will, though.

 

But maybe you don't have the strength to face it, Bonnie. Maybe you will have to live in fear of what he will do next until he does something else absolutely horrible to you. It sounds as though you will only really pay attention until he gets accepted by someone else and moves out so he can be with them.

 

I wonder why you need him so much.

[ExpatInItaly]

'would've left you if she'd have wanted that '

 

I don't think he would have because of that, I think if I hadn't just told him I was pregnant again, I think he may have

 

I know you're right, I go between being realistic about it but then it just feeling so surreal again. At the moment he's ordering stuff for his games room and supplies to fix the roof, I don't get the logic of investing in our home if he doesn't want to be here

 

Because he's comfortable and you've made it relatively easy for him. He can pursue other women and you don't really have any consequences for him. He knows he can get away with it. He is having his cake and eating it too. It's not that complicated.

[Leigh 87]

Bonnie, it is not a lust thing.

 

My bf and my friends bf turn a blind eye to other women. Stunning women have walked right past my bf and her bf, and they literally don't even look at other women, even if they are supermodels.

 

Even if it was lust it is wrong. So wrong. This whole thing is very wrong.

 

It will hurt like hell if you left but as the other poster said, it will be well worth it after mere months.

 

You will be SO relieved in the end, when you realise you are now free to find a man who is head over heels in love with you and won't have eyes for other women.

[ffsear]

 

My bf and my friends bf turn a blind eye to other women. Stunning women have walked right past my bf and her bf, and they literally don't even look at other women, even if they are supermodels.

 

 

 

All men look at other women! Its scientific evolutionary fact!

[Bonnie123]

I hope this is my last update...Since my last one things seemed to be looking up, he was being honest I think until 2 weeks ago when he went a little odd again. I also wentback to work this week. I decided to wait it out and asked him a week later why he'd been acting a bit distant as it was making me nervous...but not before checking his email. The woman had emailed him, not to rekindle anything, but saying that she was hearing so much trash talk that wasn't true and it was really effecting her and that if he hears anything to put them right. She sounded distraught (there were other personal issues in there that are irrelevant). It pretty much said all this was his fault and a year on she shouldn't have to deal with nasty gossips. One thing that stood out in the email though...she said she loved him (not in so many words) and that the last year haddestroyed her, not just these co workers.

 

Since he read that email, he's been...off. I don't know. My friend's brother said that he's started to avert his eyes if she's around and she just looks sad all of the time

Edited May 1, 2014 by Bonnie123

[preraph]

At minimum, they had an emotional affair, probably more than that. Liars usually tell half-truths in hopes of sounding credible should the s**t hit the fan and they get busted. I think he told you about her in case you found out anyway (like she told you or a coworker) that he could say, See? I told you see was obsessed. He's guilty.

[Bluebelle38]

Bonnie, there is always going to be another pretty young girl that will turn his head and take him away from the reality ofbeing a dad to twoyoung children.

 

You are never going to be able to trust this man. You are going to be tortured every time he is out late, goes away for weekends with friends, his phone beeps at an odd hour.

 

I cannot understand why any woman would accept living like that, and accept that her partner loves another woman.

 

You are flogging a dead horse. For now, he is happy to play doting dad and Mr DIY to appease you and get you off his back. But that wont last forever.

 

 

I hope in time you realise your life should be shared with a man that cherishes you. This man doesn't. he made an absolute fool of you and your relationship at his place of work and that should be unforgivable.

 

 

Never make a man a priority that only sees you as an option.

[Bonnie123]

I know it may sound odd but I genuinely don't believe that 'any pretty young girl' would turn his head...It actually makes it worse, but I know this woman was special to him

 

I just don't know why that email would effect him so much

[Bonnie123]

After a longer conversation with my friend tonight, she said her beother hadn't wanted to tell me, but he'd said to her after I'd gone that although he averted his eyes initially, for the last week he's seen them staring at each other and locking eyes from across rooms etc

 

I know it probably seems like I'm flogging a dead horse, but I don't want to give up yet. I also don't understand why he'd do something like that with people around to see...her too for that matter

[Survivor12]

I know it may sound odd but I genuinely don't believe that 'any pretty young girl' would turn his head...It actually makes it worse, but I know this woman was special to him

 

I just don't know why that email would effect him so much

 

After a longer conversation with my friend tonight, she said her beother hadn't wanted to tell me, but he'd said to her after I'd gone that although he averted his eyes initially, for the last week he's seen them staring at each other and locking eyes from across rooms etc

 

I know it probably seems like I'm flogging a dead horse, but I don't want to give up yet. I also don't understand why he'd do something like that with people around to see...her too for that matter

 

 

You don't know why??? You don't understand???

 

Stop with the denial! You know exactly why--HE'S IN LOVE WITH HER!!!

 

Pretending that you don't "get it" isn't going to make it go away. Sure, facing the truth isn't easy--and walking away is even harder, but you're making it even worse on yourself. You may think that as long as you stick around you can keep them apart, but with each day that goes by, you are contributing to strengthening the bond between them. Nothing is more desirable than forbidden fruit...

[Bonnie123]

Do you really think that, even if they are avoiding one another, and locking eyes occassionally, that's strengthening the bond?

 

I think if I was on the outside looking in I'd get it, but seeing howhe behaves with us it's hard to imagine him being any other way

[Survivor12]

If I didn't, why would I have taken the time to write the post???

 

Not only is the bond getting stronger but it's causing their resolve to weaken which is why they are oblivious (or don't care) who sees them locking eyes.

[anna121]

If they both stay in that workplace sooner or later they will be in a full-blown affair.

 

Count on it.

[Zahara]

I think if I was on the outside looking in I'd get it, but seeing howhe behaves with us it's hard to imagine him being any other way

 

You cannot be this naive. Cheating husbands cheat and go home and be the doting husband and father. Boyfriends cheat and go home and play the loving partner. I had two ex boyfriends that were cheating behind my back while all the time future faking with me. It's not uncommon.

 

It happens all the time. You seem to be in such denial.