uhboy Posted February 16, 2014 Share Posted February 16, 2014 (edited) So, im in the midst of a divorce. I filed because I discovered my wife was having an affair. Fairly typical story I guess. But here's the timeline. We have been married for 6 years, had 1st kid by accident and had only known each other 4 months at the time...but i was 40 at the time and she was 5 yrs younger, but we were both well paid professionals and figured we can handle this. So we married, then had another kid 2 yrs later...having met and married so quickly, we never really connected emotionally beyond the infatuation stage of a new relationship. Oh and by the way this is her 3rd failed marriage. So, as we go along we find we are fairly incompatible, her being somewhat of a nagging, insulting, condescending narcissistic type that is never happy....funny how u never find these things out til way past the point of no return in a relationship. Anyway, we end up with our 3rd child last July.....then no more than 4 mos later she begins an affair with someone she met online...a married man with kids that lives in another state. I tell her before she leaves on her 2nd trip to see him, after i had discovered the affair, that if she goes I will file for divorce. She ends up going, and I filed. She also goes on a shopping spree, draining 000s of our credit and bank account on clothes/shoes, and trips to see her 'friends'...which actually turns out to be this guy, who goes on biz trips and she meets him there. Fast forward to today, she has spent about 30 days of the past 2 months on the road with him, showing up wherever he goes...i get people have affairs, but is it sane for a mother to leave her infant for weeks at at time? I am stunned she would do that, let alone leave her 3 and 5 yr old behind as well. She finds it perfectly normal, that she somehow deserves the break from being home with the kids all day. And that our marriage was so bad that "what did i expect would happen?" I have come to rationalize that this is someone that doesnt quite have all her marbles, but perhaps I am biased? Does anyone have a view on this?????? Am I crazy? Edited February 16, 2014 by a LoveShack.org Moderator Link to post Share on other sites
Movingforward2 Posted February 16, 2014 Share Posted February 16, 2014 No you are better off without her. Mine lost her marbles as well. Not to the point of this, but you aren't the crazy one. You need to immediately get some help for yourself, and most importantly those children. Family members and close friends will pitch in and help especially in a situation like this. I would see a counselor, get to a church, get into some self help stuff, and hit the gym. Stay busy. You can't make decisions for her, control her actions, etc. I don't know what hell is like, and don't want to, but this has to be close..........keep posting. There are others in a situation just like yours. 1 Link to post Share on other sites
Author uhboy Posted February 16, 2014 Author Share Posted February 16, 2014 thanks for reply -- started w/therapist 2 mos ago, was a big help, and staying busy. Curious how this plays out in custody hearing...i know its usually stacked against the father, but I am extremely curious how they will weigh this absenteeism from the household with an infant and 2 young kids. She's fine with the kids when she's here, but she's increasingly not here. And it seems it will continue, since her household budget submitted to the court includes a $600/month budget for travel! We had rarely traveled much at all before her recent fling given we had such young kids. Link to post Share on other sites
Movingforward2 Posted February 16, 2014 Share Posted February 16, 2014 I would hire the best attorney money could buy in your situation and set out to destroy her. It's probably not what you want to do, but if someone did that kind of stuff to me, I would absolutely want to punish her in court. Link to post Share on other sites
Author uhboy Posted February 16, 2014 Author Share Posted February 16, 2014 Got a good attorney, from a friend of mine who was in a similar situation with a bats*** crazy wife. The courts always look at whats 'best for the children' even though every cell in my body wants to destroy her. So what happens is they make sure she has some custody since the kids need their mom....but, of course, I play up the absenteeism card, that she cannot cope given the house is a mess everytime i stay here to care for the kids while she's on 'vacation'....and that she's blowing thru $$$ to look attractive and travel to her boyfriend...we'll see how that plays out. She certainly doesnt deserve a thing from me for sure -- at least it was only a 6yr marriage and i found out about the affair before this got too far down the road. Link to post Share on other sites
2.50 a gallon Posted February 16, 2014 Share Posted February 16, 2014 Are you keeping a journal? Of not do so. 1 Link to post Share on other sites
whichwayisup Posted February 16, 2014 Share Posted February 16, 2014 thanks for reply -- started w/therapist 2 mos ago, was a big help, and staying busy. Curious how this plays out in custody hearing...i know its usually stacked against the father, but I am extremely curious how they will weigh this absenteeism from the household with an infant and 2 young kids. She's fine with the kids when she's here, but she's increasingly not here. And it seems it will continue, since her household budget submitted to the court includes a $600/month budget for travel! We had rarely traveled much at all before her recent fling given we had such young kids. Prove that she having an A with a MM with kids, and that she took money out for these trips to see the MM. Make sure the courts know of her marital history and the fact she left the kids behind, isn't home that much either. You seem to be the stable parent and that's what the kids need. If anything shared custody. No WAY she should get full custody. Link to post Share on other sites
Author uhboy Posted February 16, 2014 Author Share Posted February 16, 2014 keeping journal....how much time i spend with kids, how much time she travels, i keep all her emails she sends to me....its all there. i wonder if she will just agree to a 50% custody just so she has freedom to fly around to see her new love interest. pathetic. 1 Link to post Share on other sites
Author uhboy Posted February 16, 2014 Author Share Posted February 16, 2014 Prove that she having an A with a MM with kids, and that she took money out for these trips to see the MM. Make sure the courts know of her marital history and the fact she left the kids behind, isn't home that much either. You seem to be the stable parent and that's what the kids need. If anything shared custody. No WAY she should get full custody. she's admitted to traveling to see her 'boyfriend'....so its no secret anymore. although family courts in my state dont care about adultery...but they do care if the mother is away from the kids. she could rationalize she's prospecting for work or something but no way that will fly with 30 days so far this year away from the kids. Marital history is part of the disclosure in the proceedings, so they will know about the other marriages she's had. I think the read on her will be she can't cope with the parental pressures evident in her willingness to leave the home so frequently, particularly leaving the infant will be highly detrimental to her case. But we're not dealing with someone that is thinking rationally, but rather she's high on a new love interest, and no one thinks rationally during that time. Link to post Share on other sites
Movingforward2 Posted February 16, 2014 Share Posted February 16, 2014 Hang in there buddy. I'm sure your situation is rough. I could not imagine having to deal with that kind of stress. There is definitely no rational thinking going on for sure. Your kids will appreciate what you did for them at some point. Link to post Share on other sites
No Limit Posted February 16, 2014 Share Posted February 16, 2014 Good luck in court. Though as soon as you have enough evidence, I doubt you'll need it. Link to post Share on other sites
Tayken Posted February 16, 2014 Share Posted February 16, 2014 that if she goes I will file for divorce. She ends up going, and I filed. She also goes on a shopping spree, draining 000s of our credit and bank account on clothes/shoes, and trips to see her 'friends'...which actually turns out to be this guy, who goes on biz trips and she meets him there. Now...do people see why I have mentioned before that, whatever you do....NEVER GO DOWN THE ROUTE OF HAVING A JOINT ACCOUNT? @OP....google "The List" and make sure you read all the information on there provided for divorcing dads Link to post Share on other sites
TheBladeRunner Posted February 16, 2014 Share Posted February 16, 2014 I went through the same thing, when mine turned 40 I think she went nuts. Out of the blue she starts not wearing her wedding ring and spending tons on clothes to stand out to anyone that will pay attention. Some guys will threaten the STBXW/XW with "I'll take you to court and get full custody".......I threaten to give mine more . I think deep down that she figured out she didn't want to be a full time parent. On her "days off" she is getting drunk at happy hour with her "great friends" or spending the night over at her new boyfriends. You appear to be dealing with a complete monster in a sense of who leaves their infant child while she goes and gets it on with the new man?????????? She sounds like a narcissistic pig. In the end, if this keeps up your kids will need you more than ever; they're not stupid either....they'll figure it out quick even at their age. My child is young and she figured it out. You may be surprised at court, from what she is doing now she will more than likely offer up custody at least 50/50 so she can continue on with her "fantasy" with the OM. I didn't have ANY custody issues for this very reason I think. Heck, at a few points she was discussing letting me have more time so she could do her own thing. 1 Link to post Share on other sites
Author uhboy Posted February 16, 2014 Author Share Posted February 16, 2014 I went through the same thing, when mine turned 40 I think she went nuts. Out of the blue she starts not wearing her wedding ring and spending tons on clothes to stand out to anyone that will pay attention. Some guys will threaten the STBXW/XW with "I'll take you to court and get full custody".......I threaten to give mine more . I think deep down that she figured out she didn't want to be a full time parent. On her "days off" she is getting drunk at happy hour with her "great friends" or spending the night over at her new boyfriends. You appear to be dealing with a complete monster in a sense of who leaves their infant child while she goes and gets it on with the new man?????????? She sounds like a narcissistic pig. In the end, if this keeps up your kids will need you more than ever; they're not stupid either....they'll figure it out quick even at their age. My child is young and she figured it out. You may be surprised at court, from what she is doing now she will more than likely offer up custody at least 50/50 so she can continue on with her "fantasy" with the OM. I didn't have ANY custody issues for this very reason I think. Heck, at a few points she was discussing letting me have more time so she could do her own thing. good to know its not just me! its hard not to take it personally, but this is her own mania that she is projecting on to me. You hit the nail on the head -- a narcissist and yes a complete monster...although she may dote on the kids, her actions imply she cant handle this, or is pursuing another person to jump to to restart her wackjob pattern in relationships...funny thing is he's married with his own kids, so someone will have to give up seeing their kids, and he lives about 4 states away. It will be very interesting in court, because they will want to give primary custody of the infant to one of the parents, with the other with short visits so the child can 'attach' to one of the parents. It should be her all else equal, but heck if she's not here it will have to be me, along with little if any child support going her way. But if its her, then she'll have to give up her mistress/jetsetter lifestyle. So far she's choosing the latter. I love the $600 monthly travel budget she proposed...nice touch. 1 Link to post Share on other sites
newmoon Posted February 16, 2014 Share Posted February 16, 2014 men leave their wives and kids for their lovers all the time without a care. Link to post Share on other sites
Author uhboy Posted February 16, 2014 Author Share Posted February 16, 2014 men leave their wives and kids for their lovers all the time without a care. if thats the case with this monster, i say good riddance Link to post Share on other sites
aliveagain Posted February 16, 2014 Share Posted February 16, 2014 Keep a record of everything including her spending, you are not responsible for financing her infidelity. These can be deducted from her portion of marital equities. Change your banking, remove her from your credit cards, only pay your half of all expenses. Expose her, expose him to his wife, apply for full custody of your children. You may want to carry a VAR(voice activated recorder) as things may start to get ugly. 1 Link to post Share on other sites
oldshirt Posted February 16, 2014 Share Posted February 16, 2014 Keep a record of everything including her spending, you are not responsible for financing her infidelity. These can be deducted from her portion of marital equities. Change your banking, remove her from your credit cards, only pay your half of all expenses. Expose her, expose him to his wife, apply for full custody of your children. You may want to carry a VAR(voice activated recorder) as things may start to get ugly. This ^^^^^^^^^^^^^^ I'd also advise paternity testing the kids. No reason to just assume they are all yours. Link to post Share on other sites
Author uhboy Posted February 16, 2014 Author Share Posted February 16, 2014 Keep a record of everything including her spending, you are not responsible for financing her infidelity. These can be deducted from her portion of marital equities. Change your banking, remove her from your credit cards, only pay your half of all expenses. Expose her, expose him to his wife, apply for full custody of your children. You may want to carry a VAR(voice activated recorder) as things may start to get ugly. All good points. thanks. My lawyer is all over the infidelity expenses, which will be deducted no doubt. She already absconded with a chunk of savings, but will have to account for it in the end, which will almost all be counted against her in terms of marital equities; I am dropping my name from the cards, which she is primary account holder unfortunately......I am on the fence on the exposure issue. The court here doesnt care about infidelity; but I expect at least 50% custody if she does not in fact forfeit that up front, although she has confided in others that she is afraid i will 'take away her children' and that I am 'spying' on her....i found out about the affair via our home computer, which had a tracking system since she allows our young daughter to use it without any supervision....she's a paranoid nutjob. I have a fair amount of voice recordings already, but more doesnt hurt. Link to post Share on other sites
Author uhboy Posted February 16, 2014 Author Share Posted February 16, 2014 This ^^^^^^^^^^^^^^ I'd also advise paternity testing the kids. No reason to just assume they are all yours. If the first 2 weren't mini-me's, I would test them for sure....the jury is still out on the 3rd....might be worthwhile Link to post Share on other sites
beach Posted February 16, 2014 Share Posted February 16, 2014 I'd cut off her ability to spend joint money. Close all credit cards immediately! If she wants to spend - let her find a way to pay it herself. So sorry for the kids. Link to post Share on other sites
Author uhboy Posted February 16, 2014 Author Share Posted February 16, 2014 I'd cut off her ability to spend joint money. Close all credit cards immediately! If she wants to spend - let her find a way to pay it herself. So sorry for the kids. the joint $$ is depleted, so I have diverted my income to a separate account....her lifeline is going to come to a quick end....her loverman will have to visit here if they want to continue....so pathetic. I'm sure she her frequent trips are an attempt to get him to leave his wife....good luck with that! what a joke. Link to post Share on other sites
aliveagain Posted February 16, 2014 Share Posted February 16, 2014 the joint $$ is depleted, so I have diverted my income to a separate account....her lifeline is going to come to a quick end....her loverman will have to visit here if they want to continue....so pathetic. I'm sure she her frequent trips are an attempt to get him to leave his wife....good luck with that! what a joke. Expose, expose, expose, affairs thrive in secrecy, tell his wife what the POS has really been up to. Most won't leave their wives, they just like the idea of banging another man's wife. When they discover what the cost to divorce and child support will be, he'll be throwing your wife under the first available bus. By the time his wife has finished taking him to the cleaners he'll be lucky if he can afford a box behind some Chinese restaurant. Expose. Link to post Share on other sites
Author uhboy Posted February 17, 2014 Author Share Posted February 17, 2014 Expose, expose, expose, affairs thrive in secrecy, tell his wife what the POS has really been up to. Most won't leave their wives, they just like the idea of banging another man's wife. When they discover what the cost to divorce and child support will be, he'll be throwing your wife under the first available bus. By the time his wife has finished taking him to the cleaners he'll be lucky if he can afford a box behind some Chinese restaurant. Expose. I was thinking if I exposed, it would be after we finish up the divorce....last thing I need is her frothing at the mouth knowing I f-ed up her man's life. Plus, I dont have photos, just lurid chat session text. She may not believe me if I expose him. But the bigger question is, what is the point if I am dropping her anyway? What do I care if she wants to continue banging him? Plus the more she wants to continue it the more amenable she will be to giving me more custody. If he really is stupid enough to leave his wife for my mine, he will paying for it for the rest of his life since he's been married for 20 yrs....although it would be sweet revenge, espcially since he has a military pension coming that could be in jeopardy if he is exposed. Link to post Share on other sites
Yasuandio Posted February 17, 2014 Share Posted February 17, 2014 (edited) Are you not relieved to know the truth? Would you rather not know? Suppose someone else knew - would you want them to inform you? His wife has a right to know the truth, and do with it what she may. Not to make the man lose his pension, not to spoil your wife's love affair or any purpose to harm or get back at either one of them, as VENGENCE IS FOR GOD. The purpose for exposing the affair is to do the right thing. To let this man's wife, who shares his marital bed, to have the same knowledge that you have, because her marriage and her health is at stake. Furthermore, this man's morality is in question; and it is quite possible that he is having sex with other females. Your wife - in her fog, has probably not even considered this distinct posibility. Your wife has put your sexual health in jepordy. Now that you are waking up to this fact, doesn't his wife, at least, morally on your part, deserve an anonymous head's up? Things to think about, eh? Yas Edited February 17, 2014 by Yasuandio Link to post Share on other sites
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