Can't make this up

[uhboy]

Are you not relieved to know the truth? Would you rather not know? Suppose someone else knew - would you want them to inform you?

 

His wife has a right to know the truth, and do with it what she may. Not to make the man lose his pension, not to spoil your wife's love affair or any purpose to harm or get back at either one of them, as VENGENCE IS FOR GOD. The purpose for exposing the affair is to do the right thing. To let this man's wife, who shares his marital bed, to have the same knowledge that you have, because her marriage and her health is at stake.

 

Furthermore, this man's morality is in question; and it is quite possible that he is having sex with other females. Your wife - in her fog, has probably not even considered this distinct posibility. Your wife has put your sexual health in jepordy. Now that you are waking up to this fact, doesn't his wife, at least, morally on your part, deserve an anonymous head's up?

 

Things to think about, eh? Yas

im pretty sure when the affair started, and I had no physical contact with her since then, so no STD issue for me. But god help his wife. Im sure its probably not his first dalliance. And yes, I would have liked someone to give me a heads up if my spouse was cheating....so I agree with that aspect of it. Another view though, is that whatever they have is a house of cards. One of them has give in to the other if they want to be together beyond these biz trip flings. But for my purposes, I want them to keep doing what they are doing til my business is through on this divorce, it can only help me in this f-ed up divorce system we have. She's drunk on the thrill of it all, or maybe even the hope she has he'll sweep her away.....as improbable and silly as it seems....but it wouldnt be the first time that happened I'm sure. So, option one, she moves somewhere with him....im thrilled, kids not so much, but to hell with her. Option 2, he moves here....leaves his kids, demonstrating his moral bankruptcy....but the thrill of cheating is gone, the cold reality sets in, and the house of cards collapses....or option 3, i blow the whistle, his wife either kicks him out (which then turns into option 2), or they reconcile, which is more probable....

It does seem right that his wife knows what I know. She can choose to do whatever she wants with it, true. She will want him to stay, then my wife will be crushed of course as she deserves, but then will launch a holy war on me for ruining her fantasy. So be it I suppose, she's made my life hell for months now.

 

I can see why he is doing this....i'm a faceless nonfactor while he is being seduced by a female that agrees to meet him on his biz trips...whats not to like or refuse? But for her...it appears asymmetric...she has to spend a lot of OUR cash to see him....not to mention time away from our very young kids...she's giving up a LOT more than he is, which to me implies she is pursuing him in hopes of some sort of serious relationship as a payoff for her effort. The money, though, is about to get really tight for her, and so it will be interesting to watch how she attempts to continue it. I wonder if I was too quick to cut it off with her, but I can see more clearly now her weak moral character and I'm thankful I did.

Edited February 17, 2014 by uhboy
addition

[Yasuandio]

im pretty sure when the affair started, and I had no physical contact with her since then, so no STD issue for me. But god help his wife. Im sure its probably not his first dalliance. And yes, I would have liked someone to give me a heads up if my spouse was cheating....so I agree with that aspect of it. Another view though, is that whatever they have is a house of cards. One of them has give in to the other if they want to be together beyond these biz trip flings. But for my purposes, I want them to keep doing what they are doing til my business is through on this divorce, it can only help me in this f-ed up divorce system we have. She's drunk on the thrill of it all, or maybe even the hope she has he'll sweep her away.....as improbable and silly as it seems....but it wouldnt be the first time that happened I'm sure. So, option one, she moves somewhere with him....im thrilled, kids not so much, but to hell with her. Option 2, he moves here....leaves his kids, demonstrating his moral bankruptcy....but the thrill of cheating is gone, the cold reality sets in, and the house of cards collapses....or option 3, i blow the whistle, his wife either kicks him out (which then turns into option 2), or they reconcile, which is more probable....

It does seem right that his wife knows what I know. She can choose to do whatever she wants with it, true. She will want him to stay, then my wife will be crushed of course as she deserves, but then will launch a holy war on me for ruining her fantasy. So be it I suppose, she's made my life hell for months now.

 

I can see why he is doing this....i'm a faceless nonfactor while he is being seduced by a female that agrees to meet him on his biz trips...whats not to like or refuse? But for her...it appears asymmetric...she has to spend a lot of OUR cash to see him....not to mention time away from our very young kids...she's giving up a LOT more than he is, which to me implies she is pursuing him in hopes of some sort of serious relationship as a payoff for her effort. The money, though, is about to get really tight for her, and so it will be interesting to watch how she attempts to continue it. I wonder if I was too quick to cut it off with her, but I can see more clearly now her weak moral character and I'm thankful I did.

 

Forgive me, I cannot find my glasses. But I blew up every word you wrote and have this to say: Good come back.

 

Now, morally, how can a few months make a difference in a case like this? I don't see the urgency. She's obviously going to forgive him, or not believe you, or be in shock (during the period it critical for you to collect evidence to protect the remainder of your family). Morally speaking, you children and the custody and finaniacial outcome of the divorce come before this OW knowledge. Frankly, if I were you, I'd act like an impotent dumb shyt. Roche. Yas. (sorry - I can't see - I hope that says too-shey).

Edited February 17, 2014 by Yasuandio

[uhboy]

Forgive me, I cannot find my glasses. But I blew up every word you wrote and have this to say: Good come back.

 

Now, morally, how can a few months make a difference in a case like this? I don't see the urgency. She's obviously going to forgive him, or not believe you, or be in shock (during the period it critical for you to collect evidence to protect the remainder of your family). Morally speaking, you children and the custody and finaniacial outcome of the divorce come before this OW knowledge. Frankly, if I were you, I'd act like an impotent dumb shyt. Roche. Yas. (sorry - I can't see - I hope that says too-shey).

u bring up a good point....retribution on his part....who knows what his state of mind is, and he may want to destroy me, perhaps at my wife's behest....So, i guess yes, the guy's wife should know what her loser husband is up to, but at what cost to me and my kids? I have some text stuff i could show her, but its not like I have photo evidence....yet anyway

[Yasuandio]

u bring up a good point....retribution on his part....who knows what his state of mind is, and he may want to destroy me, perhaps at my wife's behest....So, i guess yes, the guy's wife should know what her loser husband is up to, but at what cost to me and my kids? I have some text stuff i could show her, but its not like I have photo evidence....yet anyway

 

Be a cat. Sit back and wait for the mice. They will will get reckless, hungry for the cheese - wait and see. Be ready to capture the evidence. And always remember to be a dumb shyt. Y

[uhboy]

Still makes me sick thinking she is just passing the time hanging out in his hotel room for a week and a half! While her family is here living their normal routines. What kind of monster is capable of doing such a thing? I could see if I was a wife beater or drug addict, but I'm a normal white guy with a good job, big house, 2 cars, and disposable income....this is not a normal person....please tell me there are others out there that are not prone to this behavior.

[RightThere]

Your wife is not well. Leaving not only an infant, but the whole family like that is very selfish behaviour.

 

I hate to make excuses, but it could be some serious postpartum depression? Sounds like her previous behavior and attitude wasn't ideal before, but to up and leave her family like that sounds like such a break from normal to me.

[uhboy]

Your wife is not well. Leaving not only an infant, but the whole family like that is very selfish behaviour.

 

I hate to make excuses, but it could be some serious postpartum depression? Sounds like her previous behavior and attitude wasn't ideal before, but to up and leave her family like that sounds like such a break from normal to me.

Definitely some sort of character disorder. I had always assumed that if things got bad she'd at least reach out with some counseling or something, but no, right to the affair. wtf?

I wuoldnt doubt some sort of postpartum and/or genetic depression...both her parents are on antidepressants....and her dad was an alcoholic...mother tends to alienate....just like her daughter. But even so, if i put myself in that situation...as much as I loathe her attitude and behavior towards me over the years, i'd have a hard time feeling ok about leaving town for 3 wks while my infant has no idea whats going on. No woman would be worth that to me.

[beach]

Have you filed for divorce and changed the locks yet?

[uhboy]

Have you filed for divorce and changed the locks yet?

we are down the path of divorce....had one mtg so far....custody 'evaluation' meeting is in a few wks where they try to get to an agreement between us rather than going to court. She's a big enough flake that nothing would surprise me. No way she can get full custody....she keeps leaving for gods sake...and the kids love me and i spend every moment i have with them. My bigger question is how much she may give up to pursue what is some sort of rabid love affair with this married loser. Perhaps I should inquire if is his wife is 'available'...? she was good enough for him to be married for 20 yrs, so there must be something good about her. He was feeding my wife lines like 'oh we're just parents...we have no chemistry in bedroom...blah blah blah..." I mean, really, how hard is it to tell someone what they want to hear online?? answer: laughably easy....and if u are gullible/depressed/desperate, you will believe what u want to hear....i have pages and pages of their chat sessions...I think my favorite was " oh, i cant imagine doing regular guy things if i was with you"....hahahahahah....what a load of sh**!!!! Seriously, my buddies and I would read this stuff and howl.....what a pathetic idiot...both of them.

[Yasuandio]

Still makes me sick thinking she is just passing the time hanging out in his hotel room for a week and a half! While her family is here living their normal routines. What kind of monster is capable of doing such a thing? I could see if I was a wife beater or drug addict, but I'm a normal white guy with a good job, big house, 2 cars, and disposable income....this is not a normal person....please tell me there are others out there that are not prone to this behavior.

 

Human beings are prone to doing all kinds of weird behavior. You never know what is behind the door of a person's secret life. Don't you have secrets? Things you're not proud of? Things you've done that you would be mortified if anyone knew about? Perhaps not. Perhaps so. Perhaps in the middle. Some keep things secret, some are in a fog - not thinking clearly of the consequences of their conduct or secret.

 

Your wife is in the fog big time. Those oxi chemicals overpower the mind. To top it off, just having the child, probably some weird hormonal situation too, with a mid-life crisis on the side. I'm not making excuses for her misconduct - just trying to make sense out of it. I know, it has been suggested she is sick. I suppose these chemical imbalances (if that is the case) could be considered an illness that needs treatment, but there is definitely poor judgment - then, again, poor judgment is a side affect of the fog and, perhaps hormones - that, I don't know.

 

After re-thinking this - I'd keep my mouth shut and collect evidence if you are set on a divorce. Your remaining families financial and custody interests trump everything in my opinion morally.

 

This guy, and exposing the situation to his wife - It all depends on what you

want in the end. And it is a good point, the guy could get really hacked off at you - and you are a regular family guy and don't need drama from some idiot. I say there is no harm in waiting. Not your problem right now, you have a family to protect.

 

As for evidence, you need a professional if you are serious about the divorce and want photo proof. I would suggest getting a PI that works alone. These large firms run up huge bills (like $5000 retainer) because they put 3 people on the suspect. This is not rocket science. You have the data. I would find a private small firm that agrees to use one (or no more than 2) PI to collect the goods. Kissing and hugging in the hallway, a pat on the fanny, these are all

good indicators. You don't have to have photos of the act.

 

Hope this helps. Yas

[cozycottagelg]

As a mother who feels guilty going to the grocery store without a kid with me, I find this baffling. I love and deserve alone time, for me, not for an affair, but regardless, I plan it out, I have all my ducks in a row, I make it easy on my husband and I always come back home after my days away, which has never been more than 2 if I don't take a child with me.

 

Craziness.

[uhboy]

As a mother who feels guilty going to the grocery store without a kid with me, I find this baffling. I love and deserve alone time, for me, not for an affair, but regardless, I plan it out, I have all my ducks in a row, I make it easy on my husband and I always come back home after my days away, which has never been more than 2 if I don't take a child with me.

 

Craziness.

Agree totally....she is in a lust fog....but we all know that doesn't last. 3 wks from our infant is baffling....I have never been away that long from him, and I even then I can't wait to see them when I return after just 3 or 4 days max. So as his mother, I am surprised she is ok with spending so time away. It's sad. But I am always there to care for them. She will get what she deserves somehow at point.

[Yasuandio]

Maybe you could go to the baby delivery doctor and talk to them about it? It might be some syndrome or something we don't know about. Plus that would get it on the record. Make sure it is your Private record with the doctor. He/she can talk to you hypothetically about conditions - in is in the interest of the child. Don't infants need their mother's milk or cuddling, bonding - stuff like that? Y

[TheBladeRunner]

good to know its not just me! its hard not to take it personally, but this is her own mania that she is projecting on to me. You hit the nail on the head -- a narcissist and yes a complete monster...although she may dote on the kids, her actions imply she cant handle this, or is pursuing another person to jump to to restart her wackjob pattern in relationships...funny thing is he's married with his own kids, so someone will have to give up seeing their kids, and he lives about 4 states away. It will be very interesting in court, because they will want to give primary custody of the infant to one of the parents, with the other with short visits so the child can 'attach' to one of the parents. It should be her all else equal, but heck if she's not here it will have to be me, along with little if any child support going her way. But if its her, then she'll have to give up her mistress/jetsetter lifestyle. So far she's choosing the latter. I love the $600 monthly travel budget she proposed...nice touch.

 

 

You'll find out REAL quick just what she is made of if the court doesn't allow the kids to leave the state. More than likely "prince charming" won't leave his wife for his new piece of a#$.....it's costly for him. I seldom hear of the "A" ever working out long term, especially if the AP is in another state. Don't get too mad, and don't try to get even.......her "dream life" she thinks she has/thinks she'll get has a high probability of exploding.....it did on mine in a very similar situation.

[andyg99]

Still makes me sick thinking she is just passing the time hanging out in his hotel room for a week and a half! While her family is here living their normal routines. What kind of monster is capable of doing such a thing?

 

this kind:

 

So, as we go along we find we are fairly incompatible, her being somewhat of a nagging, insulting, condescending narcissistic type that is never happy..

 

you said it yourself in your first post in this thread...

 

Sorry for what you are going through - I can relate as I went through something similar many years back. You seem like you are on the right track, use her affair to YOUR advantage... get as much custody as possible, you're the stable parent. Be nice - "hey, since you travel a lot now how about we agree that you have an every other weekend arrangement?" sometimes to keep the new affair going they may agree to anything....

[uhboy]

You'll find out REAL quick just what she is made of if the court doesn't allow the kids to leave the state. More than likely "prince charming" won't leave his wife for his new piece of a#$.....it's costly for him. I seldom hear of the "A" ever working out long term, especially if the AP is in another state. Don't get too mad, and don't try to get even.......her "dream life" she thinks she has/thinks she'll get has a high probability of exploding.....it did on mine in a very similar situation.

well put. and no way she can take the kids anywhere without us both agreeing to it....so thats not going to happen. Hard part is resisting getting angry and/or even. Thus far i've been taking the high road, and will continue to do so. but the walls are closing in on her. I will just wait and watch.

[uhboy]

this kind:

 

So, as we go along we find we are fairly incompatible, her being somewhat of a nagging, insulting, condescending narcissistic type that is never happy..

 

you said it yourself in your first post in this thread...

 

Sorry for what you are going through - I can relate as I went through something similar many years back. You seem like you are on the right track, use her affair to YOUR advantage... get as much custody as possible, you're the stable parent. Be nice - "hey, since you travel a lot now how about we agree that you have an every other weekend arrangement?" sometimes to keep the new affair going they may agree to anything....

thx for the reminder! I think i summed that up nicely.

The process does whats 'best for children' and dont care what the parents want...but point taken, if she's she is stuck with a full time primary care of our infant she will panic...And you are right, no points for taking shots at her, but definitely need to point out that with all her travel its been basically a 50-50 arrangement this year already! I don't think she's paying attention to the process......i can thank the cheating hubby for that!

[RuralGuy]

So, im in the midst of a divorce. I filed because I discovered my wife was having an affair.

 

 

 

If I were in your shoes, I'd be tempted to get paternity tests done on all my kids.

 

 

WRT her not being there for your kids - document it all. Keep all travel receipts, hotel receipts, emails, etc. You'll want to be able to prove your claims.

[uhboy]

I guess I'm just shocked still. I know people have mid-life crises and they do crazy things. She would complain that I don't listen to her because I would forget things she would say, even though she'd give me maybe 100 orders in any given week in the same monotone voice...its like it became white noise after awhile. I even started writing things down to remember, but it became overwhelming. But the turn of events was so sudden...we even just put a bunch of money into upgrading our living room, carpeted a whole floor, all kinds of renovation, and wham, right after that she starts an affair -- and now we'll have to sell the house we just renovated! wtf? Maybe she didnt count on getting caught. I'm still trying to make sense of it all. Meanwhile the divorce process continues and she seems not to care -- i guess because she has her boyfriend to take comfort with, even though that has got to be illusory given that he's married, with kids, 1000 miles away, and entrenched in his community. The whole thing stinks though, because I put up with her difficult pregnancies for 4 of the 6 yrs we were together...then with the last one born, she decides to eject from this marriage...when I was looking forward to no more pregnancies and making more time the two of us....I feel cheated in more ways than one..... I guess its like any new thing, it takes some time to adjust.

Edited February 23, 2014 by uhboy
add

[Radu]

So, as we go along we find we are fairly incompatible, her being somewhat of a nagging, insulting, condescending narcissistic type that is never happy....funny how u never find these things out til way past the point of no return in a relationship. Anyway, we end up with our 3rd child last July.....then no more than 4 mos later she begins an affair with someone she met online...a married man with kids that lives in another state. I tell her before she leaves on her 2nd trip to see him, after i had discovered the affair, that if she goes I will file for divorce. She ends up going, and I filed. She also goes on a shopping spree, draining 000s of our credit and bank account on clothes/shoes, and trips to see her 'friends'...which actually turns out to be this guy, who goes on biz trips and she meets him there.

 

Fast forward to today, she has spent about 30 days of the past 2 months on the road with him, showing up wherever he goes...i get people have affairs, but is it sane for a mother to leave her infant for weeks at at time? I am stunned she would do that, let alone leave her 3 and 5 yr old behind as well. She finds it perfectly normal, that she somehow deserves the break from being home with the kids all day. And that our marriage was so bad that "what did i expect would happen?" I have come to rationalize that this is someone that doesnt quite have all her marbles, but perhaps I am biased? Does anyone have a view on this?????? Am I crazy?

 

I hope you are documenting this stuff.

 

If she truly is even mild narcissistic, you will need proof and a pattern of behaviour over a long period of time to win happiness for your kids.

[Radu]

we are down the path of divorce....had one mtg so far....custody 'evaluation' meeting is in a few wks where they try to get to an agreement between us rather than going to court. She's a big enough flake that nothing would surprise me. No way she can get full custody....she keeps leaving for gods sake...and the kids love me and i spend every moment i have with them. My bigger question is how much she may give up to pursue what is some sort of rabid love affair with this married loser. Perhaps I should inquire if is his wife is 'available'...? she was good enough for him to be married for 20 yrs, so there must be something good about her. He was feeding my wife lines like 'oh we're just parents...we have no chemistry in bedroom...blah blah blah..." I mean, really, how hard is it to tell someone what they want to hear online?? answer: laughably easy....and if u are gullible/depressed/desperate, you will believe what u want to hear....i have pages and pages of their chat sessions...I think my favorite was " oh, i cant imagine doing regular guy things if i was with you"....hahahahahah....what a load of sh**!!!! Seriously, my buddies and I would read this stuff and howl.....what a pathetic idiot...both of them.

 

Do not try to stop her, and pray she does not hit rock bottom before you are out of the Divorce.

Document everything, those kids need a normal person in their lives.

 

As for her AP, men rarely leave their wives for their AP when they are faced with the dilemma.

She is the kind to leave her kids for her AP, so you need to do whatever you can to protect the kids and give them a stable home ... so document !

[uhboy]

I have everything documented. I used to write down things that I thought were unfair/crazy just for my own sanity over the years. So there is plenty of stuff that I have. Given her absenteeism, I dont think it will be difficult to attain 50-50. When she is here she is a good mother, just an extremely lousy wife.

 

Since I am the one that filed, I feel uncomfortable about because no matter what happened, I am 'the one' that filed and she'll forever be 'the victim' -- as she was in her prior 2 marriages, which lasted a total of about 3 years cumulatively. I guess I just need to reframe that in my mind since she's the one that cheated on me, and is acting like a prostitute following this guy on his biz trips at our expense....and I would have to make that leap of faith that she would be reasonable in any sort of reconciliation and see the error of her ways...which I have my doubts about. But man it sucks making such dramatic and traumatic changes to our kids' lives...I cant imagine what she was thinking when she decided to pursue this affair further -- she must have realized that an outcome would be divorce, right?

[Tripz]

I never caught from any of your previous posts that she was on her 3rd marriage. This is not her first rodeo or even 2nd, so she knew the end game. If it were me and she EVER tries to play the "victim" card, she'd get her butt chewed up one side and down the other. She strayed, not you. She knows and knew what she was doing. I wouldn't lose a single bit of sleep over it. She has no legal right to own or play the victim card.

 

Is this your first marriage?

 

Remind me to stay away from serial marry'ers...In fact, I'm pretty certain I'm going to join a monastery. Just seems easier these days. Relationships are so flaky....why even bother.

[uhboy]

This is my first marriage yes. And it wasn't a planned marriage, came along with the pregnancy. It is just remarkable to me that she is the one that strayed, somehow justifying by me being 'mean'....nevermind her endless name-calling, insults, and toxic attitude. If I ever pushed back it was because I was defending myself and maintaining some level of self-respect as a father and a person. I have had opportunities to stray, but I never entertained the idea because I always imagined having to explain that to my kids someday, and I'd never want them to think that was acceptable behavior. She apparently does not share the same values. When the going gets tough, she runs to the first person that has a kind word....nice.

 

So, yeah, I realize what she did was awful, disgusting, and extremely selfish. I just wish I would have known she was capable of it years ago. I wish I didnt have this strong physical attraction to her, which I think is causing me some brain damage through this whole thing...I know, once I move on to someone else I'll forget about that part, but now it totally sucks.

[RightThere]

she must have realized that an outcome would be divorce, right?

 

I'm pretty sure she probably did not think that at all. In her mind, everything is justified and everyone else is wrong. So because there were consequences to her actions, you're now the bad guy.

 

Don't try to reason with nonsense.