Can't make this up

[uhboy]

I suppose you are right -- its the mind of a teenager inside a 40 yr old woman. She had everything figured out -- we would separate so she could have 'space' and seek counseling....yet also wanted to 'see her friends', which is code for 'affair', even going so far as to interview a nanny to help when she is traveling to see him. That was when I discovered it all and realized she wanted her cake and to eat it too. I gave her one last ultimatum....end it now and reconcile or go on your trip...she chose the trip. au revoir! Im sure this fling with the married dude will not turn out to anything, and if it does it will end up the same place we are now. What a sad existence she has.

[Porridge]

I'm pretty sure she probably did not think that at all. In her mind, everything is justified and everyone else is wrong. So because there were consequences to her actions, you're now the bad guy.

 

Don't try to reason with nonsense.

 

This is such a good comment. It applies to so many people - your ex, my ex, and a whole plethora of self-entitled, deluded individuals who cannot see anything beyond themselves.

 

I take my hat off to you for filing the divorce and wanting custody of your kids. It's wonderful to see these incompassionate delinquents get their comeuppance, even if they do remain in denial through fear of having to introspect their actions.

[uhboy]

This is such a good comment. It applies to so many people - your ex, my ex, and a whole plethora of self-entitled, deluded individuals who cannot see anything beyond themselves.

 

I take my hat off to you for filing the divorce and wanting custody of your kids. It's wonderful to see these incompassionate delinquents get their comeuppance, even if they do remain in denial through fear of having to introspect their actions.

 

 

Totally agree! Somewhere along the line, she took an exit to a different road, yet its fascinating to me that she didn't think I'd even notice....a monstrous shopping spree, attending a christian church (she had always denounced anything jesus-related, and he's a big christian guy...even though he's married and cheating...go figure), frequent hair appts, and then the out of town trips...and she's a stay at home mom....Ummm...hello? I suppose she figured she could keep me in the dark and 'manage' me, but how big of an idiot did she think I was? And yes, now I'm the bad guy.

 

I can see how you can go crazy taking care of 3 kids all day every day, but millions do it every day and hold it together, or if not, find someone to help out. She was too proud to ask anyone for help...that would be an admission of weakness. Unless of course its someone to care for the kids while she goes out of town for an affair!

[Tripz]

We live in uncertain, unhappy times, but it's still no reason to bail from commitments. I saw, just last week that the divorce rate is up 70% since last Nov. Glad to be in that statistic...NOT.

[uhboy]

We live in uncertain, unhappy times, but it's still no reason to bail from commitments. I saw, just last week that the divorce rate is up 70% since last Nov. Glad to be in that statistic...NOT.

 

I guess we all choose how to deal with our relationship issues. In her mind, she felt justified by this affair somehow and that was her truth, and was willing to stand by that. The consequence is divorce. And maybe she thinks that is ok too, even though she feigns being the victim -- but only because it will make her feel better by not having to deal with me. Far less thought about the effect on the kids of course. But that has always been her pattern = me first, and to h*ll with the rest of you. I had hoped that instead she'd demand we seek counseling as a last hope...but that would risk exposing her weaknesses and damaging her fragile ego. The reality is that I am just another notch in her series of failed relationships, which will continue unless she disrupts her pattern by figuring out the why rather than just jumping to the next relationship. My question is why I was so complicit in sustaining a relationship with this toxic person.

[Porridge]

I guess we all choose how to deal with our relationship issues. In her mind, she felt justified by this affair somehow and that was her truth, and was willing to stand by that. The consequence is divorce. And maybe she thinks that is ok too, even though she feigns being the victim -- but only because it will make her feel better by not having to deal with me. Far less thought about the effect on the kids of course. But that has always been her pattern = me first, and to h*ll with the rest of you. I had hoped that instead she'd demand we seek counseling as a last hope...but that would risk exposing her weaknesses and damaging her fragile ego. The reality is that I am just another notch in her series of failed relationships, which will continue unless she disrupts her pattern by figuring out the why rather than just jumping to the next relationship. My question is why I was so complicit in sustaining a relationship with this toxic person.

 

I don't know nearly enough about your ex to comment on her but I can certainly relate to your own feelings. In my case, my ex was a borderline and would jump into completely reckless and ill-judged actions. She, like yours, is just a littlest hobo, jumping from one relationship to the other, attempting to lay all her problems on some 'rescuer' who will give her the sympathy needed to lick her wounds and heal for a while. But then once she's over the stage, the emotional manipulation engages with the new man and the cycle starts again.

 

I too, have sat there wondering what the hell I was doing. Nine months later and I still do to an extent. I'm now happy, the world's my oyster, i'm achieving things I never thought i'd do, life is fantastic. And yet, it was only once we'd split that I actually realised what a complete rut i'd lived in for so many years.

 

Don't criticise yourself. You demonstrated commitment to the relationship and should be praised for that. But don't waste time looking back, just learn the lesson and take it forward.

[uhboy]

I don't know nearly enough about your ex to comment on her but I can certainly relate to your own feelings. In my case, my ex was a borderline and would jump into completely reckless and ill-judged actions. She, like yours, is just a littlest hobo, jumping from one relationship to the other, attempting to lay all her problems on some 'rescuer' who will give her the sympathy needed to lick her wounds and heal for a while. But then once she's over the stage, the emotional manipulation engages with the new man and the cycle starts again.

 

I too, have sat there wondering what the hell I was doing. Nine months later and I still do to an extent. I'm now happy, the world's my oyster, i'm achieving things I never thought i'd do, life is fantastic. And yet, it was only once we'd split that I actually realised what a complete rut i'd lived in for so many years.

 

Don't criticise yourself. You demonstrated commitment to the relationship and should be praised for that. But don't waste time looking back, just learn the lesson and take it forward.

 

good stuff!

i think we had similar experiences with similar wives. I was always confounded how she could come up with the conclusions she did from things I would say or do. So I end up being guarded about what I say or do so it wasnt misconstrued...weird.

I knew I was in a rut too...but found happiness with my kids...and the occasional week of drama free behavior from her.

In the end, I'm glad its ending...life was better before I met her, and will be again soon.

[kalimata]

Uhboy:

 

I disagree with previous posters about the exposure. In your case its seems fairly obvious that you are headed 100% towards divorce. Exposure is only helpful if you want to AVOID divorce.

 

However, I would collect as much evidence as you can regarding the A and keep it for later. Once the D is final, I would expose to everyone: friends, family, etc. The entire world needs to know about these two. Especially expose to OM's wife. Once she hears about it, I'm sure OM will throw your wife under the bus. Wait until after the D is final before exposing though, otherwise this may screw up your custody plans.

 

Second thought about the OM: is he active duty military or retired? If he is active duty then also expose to his commanding officer. Military has strict rules about adultery and he could be reprimanded. If he is on reserve, then expose to his CO as well.

 

Finally it sounds as though your wife could be bipolar or have a personality disorder. Has she ever been seen by a shrink? Seems like she is in a manic phase. Suggest to include notes in your journal about her moods to support your claim that she is not a stable parent. Talk to your lawyer about having her visit a psychiatrist as part of the evaluation for custody.

 

......................Kali

[uhboy]

Uhboy:

 

I disagree with previous posters about the exposure. In your case its seems fairly obvious that you are headed 100% towards divorce. Exposure is only helpful if you want to AVOID divorce.

 

However, I would collect as much evidence as you can regarding the A and keep it for later. Once the D is final, I would expose to everyone: friends, family, etc. The entire world needs to know about these two. Especially expose to OM's wife. Once she hears about it, I'm sure OM will throw your wife under the bus. Wait until after the D is final before exposing though, otherwise this may screw up your custody plans.

 

Second thought about the OM: is he active duty military or retired? If he is active duty then also expose to his commanding officer. Military has strict rules about adultery and he could be reprimanded. If he is on reserve, then expose to his CO as well.

 

Finally it sounds as though your wife could be bipolar or have a personality disorder. Has she ever been seen by a shrink? Seems like she is in a manic phase. Suggest to include notes in your journal about her moods to support your claim that she is not a stable parent. Talk to your lawyer about having her visit a psychiatrist as part of the evaluation for custody.

 

......................Kali

all good points. And yes -- no turning back now on the D -- what a screw up she's become. Aside from intimacy, she is otherwise someone you would think is a successful, attractive career woman who has it all together. But, spend a couple yrs with her and you will find some fatal character flaws, which Im sure her prior 2 husbands would agree with me on.

Yes, I would wait for exposure til finality, or at least until custody is final.

The OM is on reserve - i know that you have to prove it to make a big impact, but can't hurt. Plus he'd be scared of losing his pension.

She definitely has some sort of character or chemical imbalance disorder. She tends to alienate those closest to her. If she shows her true colors, the evaluators will probably order a psyche evaluation anyway just on the fact that she's gone AWOL this yr on her kids