Long Distance & Money ...

[AAA]

Hi,

 

I was going out with my ex-boyfriend for like 10 months. It was a long-distance relationship which made things all the more complicated. But somehow we manged for 10 months because I guess our love was sooo strong at the time. Anyways I was suppose to visit him for the second time during the Christmas Holidays, where we were planning a getaway in his area. We had agreed that we will split down the line for my airline ticket and all of our expenses for the getaway. Later on it was agreed upon that I'll just pay for my airfare and he'll cover the getaway costs, to make things simpler. Anyhow as soon as I bought my ticket he informs me that he can't afford our getaway at all and that we have to go on a break due to his own work-related issues. I was upset, but I understood, and we decided to remain close friends with the potential of getting back together at a better time. He then offered to pay for my whole ticket, but I told him to only pay for half. He promised and swore to God that he'll send me the money as soon as possible. It had been two months and I still had not recieved my money. One reason for his delay is that we're waiting for my insurance forms to go through, and so he wants to wait until we know for sure that I can't get my money back in which case he'll send me the money. But I explained to him that I don't know how long it will take to get my money back from the insurance company and that money is greatly needed now. So then we got into a major argument where we terminated our friendship/relationship. Actually it was he who ended the relationship because he does not want to pay me my money anymore. One reason for that is he feels that he is doing me a favor by paying me half of the ticket where I believe that he owe's me the money, and I am in fact doing him the favor of not making him pay for the whole ticket. So who owes who about this ticket expense? Also should he pay me right away - even if I may get my money back in which case I would obviously return his money? Also he thinks that I don't really need the money, but I just want the money now because I'm jealous that he is partying with all his friends all the time now. But that is soooo not true, becuase I truly do need the money right away and he knows it. And the reason I brought it up at a time where he was partying a lot is because I felt that since he is obviously doing fine now with his financial matters that he can afford to pay me right away. Isn't that the way it works - you pay your debts before you have your fun. You should especially pay your debts to those you love and who truly need the money before you start to party - am I right or am I right? Also isn't it absoulutely wrong of him to end our relationship over a measly $300.00? - I'm mad and have lost total respect for him, but I would have never ever ended a great relationship over money. And I know he though it was great because just the other day he said to me that he would be totally devastated if he ever lost me as friend/girlfriend. So I don't understand why he took such a drastic step? And what's really stupid about the whole thing is that he is not even losing any money where as I am losing all the money, so he has no reason whatsoever to end our relationship. I'm very hurt and totally angry by his absolutely shocking actions, because this is so out of character for him. But despite all these negative feelings I don't want to loose him as a friend (but after this whole incident I would never ever go out with him again - hey, I ain't crazy). How can we resolve this without me having to loose my pride - especially since I believe that I am truly the right one here and he is dead wrong about everything? It has been almost two weeks now since we had that fight and we haven't spoken a word to each other since then. Please help.

 

Helpless, but not hopeless,

 

AAA

[Tony T]

Hi,

 

I was going out with my ex-boyfriend for like 10 months. It was a long-distance relationship which made things all the more complicated. But somehow we manged for 10 months because I guess our love was sooo strong at the time.

 

Anyways I was supposed to visit him for the second time during the Christmas Holidays, where we were planning a getaway in his area. We had agreed that we will split down the line for my airline ticket and all of our expenses for the getaway. Later on it was agreed upon that I'll just pay for my airfare and he'll cover the getaway costs, to make things simpler.

 

Anyhow as soon as I bought my ticket he informs me that he can't afford our getaway at all and that we have to go on a break due to his own work-related issues. I was upset, but I understood, and we decided to remain close friends with the potential of getting back together at a better time. He then offered to pay for my whole ticket, but I told him to only pay for half. He promised and swore to God that he'll send me the money as soon as possible.

 

It had been two months and I still had not recieved my money. One reason for his delay is that we're waiting for my insurance forms to go through, and so he wants to wait until we know for sure that I can't get my money back in which case he'll send me the money. But I explained to him that I don't know how long it will take to get my money back from the insurance company and that money is greatly needed now.

 

So then we got into a major argument where we terminated our friendship/relationship. Actually it was he who ended the relationship because he does not want to pay me my money anymore. One reason for that is he feels that he is doing me a favor by paying me half of the ticket where I believe that he owe's me the money, and I am in fact doing him the favor of not making him pay for the whole ticket. So who owes who about this ticket expense? Also should he pay me right away - even if I may get my money back in which case I would obviously return his money?

 

Also he thinks that I don't really need the money, but I just want the money now because I'm jealous that he is partying with all his friends all the time now. But that is soooo not true, becuase I truly do need the money right away and he knows it. And the reason I brought it up at a time where he was partying a lot is because I felt that since he is obviously doing fine now with his financial matters that he can afford to pay me right away. Isn't that the way it works - you pay your debts before you have your fun. You should especially pay your debts to those you love and who truly need the money before you start to party - am I right or am I right?

 

Also isn't it absoulutely wrong of him to end our relationship over a measly $300.00? - I'm mad and have lost total respect for him, but I would have never ever ended a great relationship over money. And I know he though it was great because just the other day he said to me that he would be totally devastated if he ever lost me as friend/girlfriend. So I don't understand why he took such a drastic step? And what's really stupid about the whole thing is that he is not even losing any money where as I am losing all the money, so he has no reason whatsoever to end our relationship.

 

I'm very hurt and totally angry by his absolutely shocking actions, because this is so out of character for him. But despite all these negative feelings I don't want to loose him as a friend (but after this whole incident I would never ever go out with him again - hey, I ain't crazy).

 

How can we resolve this without me having to loose my pride - especially since I believe that I am truly the right one here and he is dead wrong about everything? It has been almost two weeks now since we had that fight and we haven't spoken a word to each other since then. Please help.

 

Helpless, but not hopeless,

 

AAA

[Tony T]

First of all, he is figuring...how could you possibly need the money for other things when you used money to purchase the ticket? He is wondering why, all of a sudden, this money is needed for other things when you had used it to buy a ticket.

 

Secondly, no matter what kind of bond you feel with the guy, you have only seen him a few times. You didn't indicate but your post implies you have seen him only once at Christmas. But, no matter, this is a long distance telephone thing and regardless of what it is in your head, it is just a telephone thing you've built up in your own mind. Likewise, he has built it up in his but it may not be to even a close extent as you.

 

Thirdly, a man would rather DIE than tell a woman he cares about and wants to impress that he is broke. Regardless of what he has said or done or represented to you, I would bet my life that he doesn't have the money. You said he had been having some employment problems. It is next to impossible for a man with any kind of pride to tell a woman he cares about that he doesn't even have $300 to his name...but, believe it or not, there are a lot of guys out there who live paycheck to paycheck and when there is no paycheck...they borrow from friends and relatives just to eat.

 

Maybe he has $1,000 in the bank. But it's for upcoming expenses like taxes, food, rent, etc. and he just can't spare it. Who knows?

 

No, it is not wrong to take him up on his offer and expect to receive your money. But more friendships have ended over money than anything in the world. It's a more sensitive area than sex. People would rather take off their clothes and let you touch their genitals than take out their wallets and let you count their money. And they will absolutely end relationships before they will let someone know they don't have any money.

 

Men know that part of their appeal is their ability to support a lady. They know that once they tell most ladies they are B-R-O-K-E, the relationship will change because most ladies don't care for men who are penniless. It's a primitive survival thing. Women are looking for men who can father their children and support them well. It's not a selfish thing. But there are many men out there who are penniless. When he was faced with the prospect of having to tell you he was broke and could no longer use the waiting for insurance excuse, it was EASIER for him to break up with you than to tell you he was BROKE.

 

At any rate, you'll recover financially and just consider it the cost of finding out how impractical and unrealistic long distance relationships are. If one of the parties can't move where the other is within a reasonable amount of time, they usually just can't work out over the long run unless their are compelling psychological reasons why the separation serves both parties well.

 

I know $300 doesn't sound like much but when you don't have $1, it's $300 more than you have. The vast majority of people are happy to pay their bills when they have the money. But when they don't, the do crazy things.

[sparkle]

Honey, in this day and age, you have got to be independent and take care of yourself and not expect others to do so. If they offer, that's great. If not, well you'll still do just fine. While it was nice that he initially offered to pay for half your ticket, he was by no means obligated to do so.

 

It was your trip, your ticket, your bill, and something that you should pay for. Look at it this way, if you think this guy is a jerk, hey...it only cost you 300 bucks to get him out of your life forever! And I bet if you stop talking to him now, he'll never bother you again.

 

Consider it money well spent!!

 

P.S. Regarding his partying with friends, he's got every right to have a good time and be happy, just like you do!