Sudden Divorce

[michele4]

I recently got divorced and it was so sudden that I am having issues accepting things still. My ex and I married as soon as I graduated from college and moved away from home for his work. Almost immediately after marriage I became seriously ill and was ill most of the marriage. We had problems throughout the marriage but always seemed to work them out.

 

Last year he had to travel extensively for work for about 6 months so we kept in touch via Skype and everything seemed fine. We talked daily, we bought him a new wedding ring that I mailed to him etc. When he came home he was very happy and it appeared that most of our past issues really were a thing of the past. Well two months after he came home I had to go on a week long business trip and when I came back he was so unhappy to see me.

 

For three days he continued acting weird until I finally confronted him. He then told me that he had decided he no longer loved me and wanted a divorce and asked if we could remain friends. I was shocked. He refused to go to counseling or change his mind so I agreed to the divorce. I went to visit family soon after and when I came back two weeks later I found out he had cheated on me while I was gone.

 

I was devastated and quickly made plans to leave as soon as possible. Within two weeks I had quit my job, filed for divorce (he didn't have enough money in his account to file because he'd spent it going out and partying), and moved home (all while living with my ex who ranged in attitude from let's be friends to let me buy you dinner to let me tell you all the women I'm planning to sleep with to let me harass you until you cry and I'll stand there and watch). I've been home for about three weeks now and while the distance has helped I'm definitely still hurting.

 

I feel like I never got any answers (he denies any wrongdoing) though I do feel like I did what needed to be done. This week my ex, 2 of his friends, and one of his family members have all contacted me for unnecessary reasons ranging from just to annoy me to "making sure I'm ok". How does one learn to accept that they will never fully understand what happened or get any answers?

Edited February 19, 2014 by a LoveShack.org Moderator
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[Tayken]

@OP....The good thing is, sounds like you two have no kids? You have to learn to extract your emotions from the whole problem (easily said than done I know). My ex felt the same when I told her I wanted out, and no there was no cheating involved here, just a fork in the road that had two people working towards different goals and a future

 

You said "he cheated on you when you went away", how can that be when he already told you "he wanted a divorce"? Is there any reason why you quit your job? That could have been the one thing to keep you busy / mind off stuff for a few hours a day

 

I'll say the sooner you accept things the way they are now, the better you can focus on your life and the future

[michele4]

Yes there are no kids involved. One of his many reasons he gave for wanting the divorce was the fork in the road type scenario (the reason changed constantly) but things had been great - we had just gone on a date earlier that week and purchased a car a few weeks prior.

 

I consider it cheating if you sleep with someone else while still married even if you've asked for a divorce (and I don't know how long before that he may have been seeing someone else). I didn't want to quit my job but I also didn't want to stay in an area I didn't like and not have any family nearby.

 

I'm just having a hard time accepting because it was so sudden and him acting so erratically during it did not help

[No Limit]

OP, I think you're better off than you actually realize.

 

You've rid yourself of a parasite, a cheater, within only 2 weeks. You have no children to worry about and now have full NC, which helps incredibly for your healing process. Many people don't ever get this far.

 

Don't think of him or his reactions and doings. Think of yourself and all the opportunities!

 

You'll be over it in a few weeks, maybe months, but the skies are clearing, trust me.

[TheBladeRunner]

This week my ex, 2 of his friends, and one of his family members have all contacted me for unnecessary reasons ranging from just to annoy me to "making sure I'm ok". How does one learn to accept that they will never fully understand what happened or get any answers?

 

Beware of this OP, even when we were married I heard from the friends and family, but not like I did after I filed. All of a sudden I was getting all kinds of calls and e-mails asking the same type of stuff, but ultimately it led to more in depth questions like "was I going for full custody" and "what kind of assets was I going to try for". Be very careful of what you say, more than likely these people really don't care about you, rather they may be collecting info. to see how nasty you will be in the divorce.

 

My suggestion is stick to your own friends and family for support and the folks here on "The Shack" .

 

As far as answers, "what does God look like"? "How big is the universe".......or how many grains of sand are in the world"? All questions that we may never have answers to. I asked the same thing in my situation: "WHY"? Early on I think we do this a lot, but as time goes on (at least with me) I have stopped asking that question. With time I managed to get myself to a point where I just don't wonder anymore nor do I care. Maybe someday I will know, but if I never do I accept that as well.

[michele4]

No limit- thank you. It was very difficult but I felt the sooner I got everything done the sooner I could leave the situation. I am completely nc (though I didn't realize it until I found this site) and that has been helpful. The only time I will ever have to deal with him is because of our dogs (we each took one and kept visitation rights to the other. Since he does such long work trips I will have custody of the dog in his possession during that time but he will have to pay me for the dog's care. He can come see the dog in my care but I doubt he will-itwas llegally the only way I could guarantee he wouldn't sell the dog due to work). I am getting to the point where I'm excited to start over and have my own life. I'm still having relapses where i get depressed or question myself.

 

The blade runner- I was so shocked to hear from so many people post divorce. I have avoided discussing with his friends that have contacted me. I didn't give any info to his family though I do feel bad for his mom - telling her about the divorce was his Christmas gift to her and today she asked me if we could still be friends. I told her I felt bad but I could not. Unfortunately out of my immediate family (mom, dad, and sister) my dad has been the main support. My mom and sister are very anti divorce although my mom seems to be coming around. I want to get to the point that you're at where I can accept that I won't know and don't care that I don't know.

I definitely like how supportive this site is

 

I'm definitely grieving but excited for the future. I'm still embarrassed about how he treated me and getting divorced at my age (mid 20s)

[michele4]

My friends and extended family have been great and very supportive during this ordeal though

[No Limit]

See, you're already on track. Best wishes to you

[michele4]

Thank you!

 

Had to bit of a difficult day- had to explain to my ex mil why we could not be friends and apparently on Facebook my ex is doing wonderful according to several "well-meaning friends" (our profiles are no longer linked). When I explained to them that I did not want to know this they they said of course I wouldn't since he's coping better than me (dating, partying, spending money, etc). Definitely brought me down but am working on it

[MsOptimist]

I went through something very similar and I'm 1.5 years post-separation and approaching the 1 year mark next month from the final divorce date.

 

It was very sudden, the "reasons" changed all the time, we had done things just weeks prior (2 vacations, he bought me something expensive for my birthday). He immediately began dating and sleeping with anything that looked his way. It hurt like hell.

 

I moved out in just under a month and was glad to extract myself from such a toxic situation. I know it all feels like everything is happening at warp speed, but in the end I think you're better off this way.

 

I also had no kids with him, but shared animals. We split the cats up and we still share the dog. We can actually communicate amicably in regards to the dog.

 

I know what it feels like to never have the kind of closure you want/need. I didn't expect to get any since trying to talk to him was like talking to a different person every time with different reasons and attitudes. Months after separation things actually calmed down and it hit him what he was doing and we had some good heart to hearts about what went wrong and how we got there. You may get closure like that eventually, but don't expect it. You have to be ok with possibly never knowing where his mind is throughout all this. Believe me though, despite the act he's letting on, he's not doing well and he will come crashing down eventually.

 

You can still be friends with his family eventually if you want to be. It sounds like they love you and are reaching out to you. I am still friends with my ex's family and they have been incredibly supportive. My former sister in law once told me, "it's not often that you get the chance to gain a sister and I'm not about to lose a sister over something like this."

 

Take care of yourself, take each day one at a time, and know you'll be ok. Thank the stars that you finally see him for what he truly is while you're still young. You still have so much life to live. I, too, was embarrassed by my situation, but take help and offers from anyone to help you get through this. I had to learn to lean on people more than I ever had in my life, and it brought about new and stronger friendships.

[michele4]

MsOptimist- Thank you! It helps to hear a similar situation (though I am sorry you had to go through it as well). I do agree that the whirlwind leaving has its benefits but it is also weird because I feel like I'm on some weird vacation sometimes vs my new reality. I am glad to hear that you can communicate well regarding the dog- quite frankly all I care about at this point is that he treats the dog he has well. I am going to pretend that I will not have closure. We do have several mutual friends but I have asked them to no longer tell me about his life and he does not need to know anything about mine. I am nervous for when I have to see him/speak with him again but since wont be for a minimum for 6 months I hopefully will be able to handle that appropriately. The reason I chose to not stay in contact with my exmil is because he lied to his family about the divorce knowing that they are the kind of family that would stick with their own blood no matter what (he told his mother, as her Christmas present about our divorce. Apparently he concocted some story about his realizing that we are better off friends than partners and when he first told me I was upset but agreed with him. He told her that we were staying friends and still cared for each other but in a different way now). I did let her know that since I did not plan to stay in communication with him I did not feel that it would be healthy for me to stay friends with her. Thank you! I am definitely trying to take care of myself and start over. I am glad that I know the truth about him at this time vs being significantly older.

 

If you don't mind me asking... what did you tell people if they were rude enough to ask why you got divorced? I have more class than to say he was a cheating ass but when I've said something to the effect of irreconcilable differences people assume I didn't try hard enough to make it work due to my age

[MsOptimist]

MsOptimist- Thank you! It helps to hear a similar situation (though I am sorry you had to go through it as well). I do agree that the whirlwind leaving has its benefits but it is also weird because I feel like I'm on some weird vacation sometimes vs my new reality. I am glad to hear that you can communicate well regarding the dog- quite frankly all I care about at this point is that he treats the dog he has well. I am going to pretend that I will not have closure. We do have several mutual friends but I have asked them to no longer tell me about his life and he does not need to know anything about mine. I am nervous for when I have to see him/speak with him again but since wont be for a minimum for 6 months I hopefully will be able to handle that appropriately. The reason I chose to not stay in contact with my exmil is because he lied to his family about the divorce knowing that they are the kind of family that would stick with their own blood no matter what (he told his mother, as her Christmas present about our divorce. Apparently he concocted some story about his realizing that we are better off friends than partners and when he first told me I was upset but agreed with him. He told her that we were staying friends and still cared for each other but in a different way now). I did let her know that since I did not plan to stay in communication with him I did not feel that it would be healthy for me to stay friends with her. Thank you! I am definitely trying to take care of myself and start over. I am glad that I know the truth about him at this time vs being significantly older.

 

If you don't mind me asking... what did you tell people if they were rude enough to ask why you got divorced? I have more class than to say he was a cheating ass but when I've said something to the effect of irreconcilable differences people assume I didn't try hard enough to make it work due to my age

 

I was diplomatically honest with his family and our mutual friends (most of whom I'm still friends with). I chose my words carefully since I knew that they also had to be supportive of him as well. I actually expected his family to cut me out of their lives because I know how loyal they are as a family. I was pleasantly surprised to learn that their loyalty also lies with me for being family for so long.

 

I was honest with the fact that I was blind sided. It was very traumatic for me and to hide that just wasn't possible. I let them know that I wasn't expecting it and that I was willing to save the marriage and was 100% committed. I let them know that I was trying my best to move forward in a healthy way through something that I didn't want or intend to happen.

 

He was extremely vague with his family and friends as to what happened, he basically said that he changed and we were getting divorced, end of story. My fear was that people would start guessing and possibly blame me for the downfall of it all. I'm willing to accept my faults in the marriage, but not for blowing it up.

 

Once people knew that my life was turned upside down on me they were all very supportive, even if they were trying to support him as well. I also found that the more I started opening up to people, the easier it was for me to begin healing through getting my feelings out and talking things through.

[SoleMate]

....on Facebook my ex is doing wonderful according to several "well-meaning friends" (our profiles are no longer linked). When I explained to them that I did not want to know this they they said of course I wouldn't since he's coping better than me (dating, partying, spending money, etc).

Those people aren't friends. Frenemies, maybe.

 

I do agree with others who say that this is for the best, but of course that doesn't change the pain you feel right now. You may want to consider counseling just to deal with this loss and learn the most helpful ways to think about it.

 

Oh, and anyone who contacts you with anything (anything!) that brings you down needs to get cut off. Seriously...what are the motivations of someone who calls you up to gloat over your ex supposedly doing better than you? Nothing good, that's for sure.

[MsOptimist]

I second SoleMate's therapy suggestion. I started therapy right in the beginning and it helped to steer me in the right direction.

 

I forgot to add that I totally relate to your new reality feeling like a strange dream. It felt like an alternate reality with little pieces of my old life sprinkled around. It'll seem weird for awhile, but just try to go with the flow. I kept reminding myself that getting into new daily habits was a good thing and eventually my new ways seemed more "normal."

 

The sadness lingers for awhile (and will be like a rollercoaster at first) and lots of things triggered sad memories for me. Sad like seeing something that he had gotten me or a memory of a place we had been to or things that I wanted to do with him that would now never happen.

 

The sadness will slowly start to fade as new memories and experiences are had. I'm still very sad about my divorce, but not so sad that I sit and cry about it. I think it'll always sadden me, but now I simply acknowledge the sadness and what triggered the feelings and put it back on its shelf and continue on with my day. It's a process and you'll get there eventually on your own healing timeline, everyone's is different.

[michele4]

MsOptimist- At this point while I do feel that I could explain to his mother and she would possibly understand I do not feel it would be worth my exh finding out and calling to harass me about it (his mother would definitely tell him). Maybe in the future once this has settled down I will explain to her why I did not originally keep contact but I feel like if I did it now it would just make matters worse for me... maybe I am totally missing a viewpoint on this? I have told the people that matter the truth and in telling them I definitely agree with the comment "I'm willing to accept my faults in the marriage, but not for blowing it up."

I am glad that the odd dream-like stage eventually passes as time goes on. For a week or two after moving I would wake up thinking he was there and we were in our bedroom which was a very confusing (and depressing) way to start the day but thankfully that seems to have stopped.

 

SoleMate- I have told everyone that decided it was acceptable to update me on his life that if they did it again our friendship would be in serious trouble. I do not want to know and it is just insensitive.

 

I currently cannot afford counseling (divorce+moving= expensive) but I am trying to save up some extra funds so that I can eventually start. I definitely feel that it is a necessary thing to do to ensure that I am coping and understanding things in the most healthy way and that I can continue with a positive future

[MsOptimist]

You have every right to explain or not explain anything who whomever you want. This grief and healing process is very individual.

 

My therapist recommended being able to develop a network of friends and family that I could completely confide in. Also experiencing and letting out all of the stages of grief are important. Keeping a journal is a great tool to get some thoughts and feelings out. You'll be able to see your progress through a journal too.

 

There may come a time later when the dust has settled that you can explain anything further to your former inlaws or mutual friends.

 

I would wake up and not remember where I was either. For me the mornings used to be the worst in the early days and it was hard to start a new day on a somber note. Stay positive even if it means you fake it til you make it - that really does work! Do little things to take care of yourself and spoil yourself. It's a long road ahead but you'll come out stronger.

[michele4]

Thankfully I do have a few wonderful friends that know the whole story and who I can talk to about things as more issues/feelings arise. I am a very private person (hence the anonymity of the internet) and will need to work my way into telling more people if necessary.

 

I completely agree about the mornings- I keep sleeping in to avoid that awful morning feeling but I know I will soon need to face it head on. Thank you for all the advice... I although the loss is still recent I am excited that the future will mainly be about my needs now and not having to prioritize my exh anymore.

[what_a_blonde]

Thank you!

 

Had to bit of a difficult day- had to explain to my ex mil why we could not be friends and apparently on Facebook my ex is doing wonderful according to several "well-meaning friends" (our profiles are no longer linked). When I explained to them that I did not want to know this they they said of course I wouldn't since he's coping better than me (dating, partying, spending money, etc). Definitely brought me down but am working on it

 

Screw them!

 

He's not coping better, just proving even more of what moron he is. I've seen this first hand... men who divorce and try to "prove" they are doing better by constantly posting pictures out at bars, buying new toys, and just flaunting their "great life" in general.

 

Truth be told, and I think many people may agree... Most people who post on social media about how great things are and how amazing life is are really just fooling themselves by trying to convince others of the lavish lifestyle and happiness. Any smart individual would see the emptiness and need for attention in all the material things they are trying to portray to the world via social media.

 

Sorry you have to hear this from people and that they are so heartless as to say something like that to you.

[michele4]

What a blonde- thank you! I like your attitude haha you are probably right that he is trying to "prove" his new single lifestyle. And quite honestly that is his business-I just don't want to know about it.

 

I'm definitely going to start shopping around for a good counselor- as previously mentioned my mother was not supportive of the divorce but seemed to be coming around. Unfortunately this is not the case. Her motives for wanting me to move back after the divorce were purely selfish (she wants me to take care of her house and act as a housekeeper essentially since she "helped" with the divorce and is "helping" me get back on my feet) and she does not like the fact that I chose to bring my dog with me (of course I am!). I feel like I've traded in one bad situation for another.

 

On a positive note today was a good day- no exh drama and got to catch up with a friend

[michele4]

So today my exh contacted me regarding how I wanted him to pay me the alimony that was agreed upon during the divorce because he said we hadn't discussed this before I left. We had actually discussed this and had come to an agreement about it. I was very civil and gave him the basic information so that he could pay me. He did not try to prolong the conversation and it was over in less than 2 minutes.

 

The whole exchange was very odd for me emotionally. I had a momentary flash of panic due to his previous communications being rather mean/inconsiderate but once I realized what it was about it was handled in a very business-like manner and then was over. I am glad that it didn't cause me any anxiety or depression. I was a bit sad though that this will be the extent of my conversations with the man I was married to... but on the flip side that is probably healthiest for me.

 

Also, I was very tempted to ask how my other dog is doing. But I know he will misconstrue my asking into either I want to try to be friends with him or I'm not doing as well as he is and am trying to cling to my previous life. Neither of these are true I just truly miss my dog and want to make sure he is ok. At the same time my exh has not asked about the dog in my custody at all.

Edited February 27, 2014 by michele4

[michele4]

So I've been working on starting my life over. Very lc with the ex, working, spending time with my dog. And I still feel awful. Like I am aware that in the grand scheme of things it really has not been very long but I didn't expect to still want to sleep all day and be too depressed/ have major social anxiety to go meet new friends (which I need to do since I don't know many people in the area other than friends of my ex who I don't want to see). I am not on any depression of anxiety meds and I'm concerned about taking them and slowing down the grieving process....