Empathy vs. Sympathy

[salparadise]

Let's talk about emotional awareness. Do you understand the difference between

? Do you find that this little video resonates with your understanding of how to be there for someone you care about when they're having a rough time? Have you ever felt let down or irritated when you were given sympathy but needed empathy?

[amaysngrace]

Judgment is the hardest one that I struggle with.

 

Sometimes people will complain about things that I just can't understand them complaining about. I am thinking "wow if that's my big problem I have to deal with I'd count my blessings" but I'm not even sympathetic at that point.

 

Just annoyed...

[chelsea2011]

Let's talk about emotional awareness. Do you understand the difference between

? Do you find that this little video resonates with your understanding of how to be there for someone you care about when they're having a rough time? Have you ever felt let down or irritated when you were given sympathy but needed empathy?

 

I can relate. Yes, I've felt left down when given sympathy instead of empathy. It made me question whether or not that person truly cared. Sympathy when you are hurting can feel like a needle instead of a hug.

 

My question is, what do you do in a situation like that? Do you tell the person how it made you feel? And if you do and they still respond the same way I guess it's a wake up call about the friendship. .

[amaysngrace]

My question is, what do you do in a situation like that? Do you tell the person how it made you feel? And if you do and they still respond the same way I guess it's a wake up call about the friendship. .

 

For some people it's just beyond their understanding to offer any kind of support when you're dealing with a very difficult situation.

 

I don't begrudge them for that. In fact I'm mostly glad they can't relate because good for them.

[salparadise]

I think that's natural for most people, unless we just happen to share that person's perspective due to having had the same or similar experience. Staying out of judgement takes effort and practice (and the desire to do so). If we learn to short circuit that initial reaction and instead concentrate on sharing the others' perspective, accepting that what they're feeling is their reality, then we're taking steps toward being nonjudgmental. No matter the degree of our inherent emotional awareness, we can improve. It makes life better for us, and those we love and associate with. We can definitely learn to share the feelings and communicate that way.

[chelsea2011]

For some people it's just beyond their understanding to offer any kind of support when you're dealing with a very difficult situation.

 

I don't begrudge them for that. In fact I'm mostly glad they can't relate because good for them.

 

I'm not referring to a matter of relating to the person who is hurting; I'm referring to how the support is expessed. If someone can't relate then yes, good for them, but as the video points out, it is how it is expressed that has an impact. If you can't relate a simple, "wow, I don't know what to say; I'm so sorry you are going through this right now" instead of silver lining it when that is not what the person needs at that moment and time. It's better to let the person who is hurting talk about the silver lining when they are ready to.

 

Just my opinion anyway.

[chelsea2011]

I think that's natural for most people, unless we just happen to share that person's perspective due to having had the same or similar experience. Staying out of judgement takes effort and practice (and the desire to do so). If we learn to short circuit that initial reaction and instead concentrate on sharing the others' perspective, accepting that what they're feeling is their reality, then we're taking steps toward being nonjudgmental. No matter the degree of our inherent emotional awareness, we can improve. It makes life better for us, and those we love and associate with. We can definitely learn to share the feelings and communicate that way.

 

Makes perfect sense.

[salparadise]

I can relate. Yes, I've felt left down when given sympathy instead of empathy. It made me question whether or not that person truly cared. Sympathy when you are hurting can feel like a needle instead of a hug.

 

My question is, what do you do in a situation like that? Do you tell the person how it made you feel? And if you do and they still respond the same way I guess it's a wake up call about the friendship. .

 

Well, from the recipient's perspective you can realize that they're trying but lack the inherent awareness to respond in the way you wish they could. Ask them if they can relate to how you feel (about the situation, not their response) and hopefully they will understand that you're not asking them to make it better, just to relate to how you feel. To do so requires them to be vulnerable. Many people are scared to death of feeling vulnerable. If you then realize this to be the case, you can also realize it's probably more about them being unable rather than unwilling. Does that make sense?

[chelsea2011]

Well, from the recipient's perspective you can realize that they're trying but lack the inherent awareness to respond in the way you wish they could. Ask them if they can relate to how you feel (about the situation, not their response) and hopefully they will understand that you're not asking them to make it better, just to relate to how you feel. To do so requires them to be vulnerable. Many people are scared to death of feeling vulnerable. If you then realize this to be the case, you can also realize it's probably more about them being unable rather than unwilling. Does that make sense?

 

Yes, it makes sense. However, I completely understand that someone might not be able to truly relate if they haven't had the same experience. I would not expect them to actually. It does though, take a conscious effort to be sensitive to how a person is feeling. I'm not perfect and have had to learn that the hard way. That's life and we grow and learn how to relate to those we care about in a way where they feel supported when hurting.

 

But again, you're right, if a person fears feeling vulnerable it is more about them. Once the recipient understands that they can then filter how much they share with this person. But what if the person wants the recipient to continue sharing even though they are unable to provide the support that's needed? How do handle that one?

Edited February 16, 2014 by chelsea2011

[salparadise]

But again, you're right, if a person fears feeling vulnerable it is more about them. Once the recipient understands that they can then filter how much they share with this person. But what if the person wants the recipient to continue sharing even though they are unable to provide the support that's needed? How do handle that one?

 

One of the healthy things a person in need of support can do is to learn to ask for what you need. In my experience, this well-meaning friend would probably be trying to fix your feelings by doing the silver lining thing and distancing him/herself from engaging on the emotional level. So you could actually coach them by saying something like, "I am hurting and I need for you to support me, not by telling me to feel differently, but by affirming that I am not alone and that you are truly in touch with my feelings." Yea, I know... how many people want to have to say that to someone? But if that other person is your spouse or partner, then being able to say what you need is probably the healthiest way to ask for support if they don't inherently know how.

Edited February 16, 2014 by salparadise

[Under The Radar]

I think that's natural for most people, unless we just happen to share that person's perspective due to having had the same or similar experience. Staying out of judgement takes effort and practice (and the desire to do so). If we learn to short circuit that initial reaction and instead concentrate on sharing the others' perspective, accepting that what they're feeling is their reality, then we're taking steps toward being nonjudgmental. No matter the degree of our inherent emotional awareness, we can improve. It makes life better for us, and those we love and associate with. We can definitely learn to share the feelings and communicate that way.

 

 

Great topic and well said .

 

I think about things such as empathy and self-righteousness every day as it pertains to society.

 

I know I'm much less judgmental now than I was in the past.

 

Empathy serves me well in trying to understand people's positions and interact more organically with them.

 

I'm better able to absorb their feelings and emotions to gain an appreciation for their perspective/life choices.

[Shepp]

When I was 15 I met my girlfriend, she was just a friend then, and one time we were talking and she was telling me about...like her backstory I guess, there was a lot of heartache there, and anyway at one point she said to me that I was the only person she'd ever felt comfortable about talking too about that stuff and when I asked why she told me "cause your the only person who doesn't look at me differently once they know, like they feel sorry for me, like I'm the one puppy that no one buys" I said to her, 'well your not', and she told me "I know! But sympathy sucks".

 

I wasn't trying to be empathetic or anything special, I was just a 15 year old lad, but I remember that being the first time I considered that sympathy came in different forms, that It wasn't always positive.

 

I think sometimes sympathy can either come off like in the video as silver lining or even as pitying - I don't like people feeling sorry for me so I don't do it to others. I think you can support people without doing that......whether that's empathy i'm not totally sure, but its what I aim for.

[chelsea2011]

One of the healthy things a person in need of support can do is to learn to ask for what you need. In my experience, this well-meaning friend would probably be trying to fix your feelings by doing the silver lining thing and distancing him/herself from engaging on the emotional level. So you could actually coach them by saying something like, "I am hurting and I need for you to support me, not by telling me to feel differently, but by affirming that I am not alone and that you are truly in touch with my feelings." Yea, I know... how many people want to have to say that to someone? But if that other person is your spouse or partner, then being able to say what you need is probably the healthiest way to ask for support if they don't inherently know how.

 

To the bolded. LOL! Yea, I don't think I will be saying that to a friend. Maybe a spouse, BF, or a family member, but not in the case I'm referring too.

 

This thread did resonate with me because I happen to have an experience ike this recently. But I get it. The person was only trying to help and due to something in our history I was triggered and hurt. That's on me. Se la vie. Life goes on.

[mea_M]

I could not view the link, but my view is empathy is an understanding of another, where as sympathy is an acknowledgement of a person and a situation. Empathy more in depth with being able to share on a deep emotional level the feelings of another with a similar experience. Personally I'm better at being empathetic them sympathetic. I think lots of situations where I've needed to be sympathetic I've sort of buckled with shyness for some reason. Interesting topic.

 

Mea

[acrosstheuniverse]

When somebody is in a deep hole, sympathy is standing at the top and looking down, saying 'that must really suck to be in there' and then walking away.

 

Empathy is finding a way to get down into the hole with them, even for a little while, to try and understand things from their perspective. It's trying to see what it would feel like to be in their situation, while acknowledging that there's no way you can truly 100% know, because everyone's circumstances are different.

 

Problem is, people encounter people with problems and if they can't help them to solve them straight away they get disheartened, and walk away. Or frustrated. Empathy just requires you to listen, to be present, to show that you care, to try and learn about what the person is going through. More often than not you can't solve someone's problems for them, they maybe can't even solve them themselves. But just knowing that for ten minutes, someone else really HEARD what you said and cared about you, is priceless. It's what has gotten me through the hardest times of my life, during which I couldn't have fast forwarded to a happier place even if I tried.

 

The friends that can just be there with you while you're having a rough time and not keep trying to forcefully 'cheer you up' are the ones that are golden and will stick with you through the years. When my mother died I didn't need to hear 'cheer up acrosstheuniverse, she isn't suffering any more and she wouldn't have wanted you to be upset' (although it was very well meaning), I needed just to know that my friends understood that what I was going through was normal and okay and that they were there for me whether I wanted them to be or not, and for them to be somehow comfortable being around somebody going through hell knowing that they were essentially helpless apart from their words and their hugs.

 

I do my best to give the same in return to others, personally and in a professional (voluntary) context.

[salparadise]

Empathy is finding a way to get down into the hole with them, even for a little while, to try and understand things from their perspective. It's trying to see what it would feel like to be in their situation, while acknowledging that there's no way you can truly 100% know, because everyone's circumstances are different.

 

Empathy just requires you to listen, to be present, to show that you care, to try and learn about what the person is going through. [...] knowing that for ten minutes, someone else really HEARD what you said and cared about you, is priceless.

 

Yes! Another good point. Every person is unique, and therefore every person experiences pain, suffering and grief uniquely. I know what it was like for me to lose my mother, but I would not presume to understand exactly what acrosstheuniverse is experiencing at her time of loss. So expressions such as "I'm sorry" or "I understand" are sympathetic, not empathetic. Those expressions are about how I feel; empathy is caring how she feels in this moment. Sympathy is self-focused, empathy is other-focused. Empathy is being fully present, allowing her to express how she feels (if she feels like doing so) by creating a place of trust and connectedness to receive the feelings she will share.

 

With respect to grief in particular, there really isn't anything another person can say to alleviate the suffering. It's a process that needs to be embraced, not avoided. But you can help a person feel connected and cared for by being empathetic, and that's huge. Grief is the condition; mourning is the expression. Encourage them to talk about their feelings, the person, their relationship with the person... what they need is to get the feelings out. Some people can't talk about their feelings directly, so talking about the person or their relationship is the next best thing.

[Emilia]

There is such a thing as too much empathy as anyone with codependent tendencies knows. I try to switch it off sometimes because it can hurt me as much it does the other person. Sometimes I force myself to switch it off because it can entangle me in the other person's life too much. This is why certain people are drawn to me.

 

I don't tend to feel sympathy all that much. I can either relate to the other person's pain or I can't. 'Feeling sorry' for them is not really on the cards for me.

[acrosstheuniverse]

Yes! Another good point. Every person is unique, and therefore every person experiences pain, suffering and grief uniquely. I know what it was like for me to lose my mother, but I would not presume to understand exactly what acrosstheuniverse is experiencing at her time of loss. So expressions such as "I'm sorry" or "I understand" are sympathetic, not empathetic. Those expressions are about how I feel; empathy is caring how she feels in this moment. Sympathy is self-focused, empathy is other-focused. Empathy is being fully present, allowing her to express how she feels (if she feels like doing so) by creating a place of trust and connectedness to receive the feelings she will share.

 

With respect to grief in particular, there really isn't anything another person can say to alleviate the suffering. It's a process that needs to be embraced, not avoided. But you can help a person feel connected and cared for by being empathetic, and that's huge. Grief is the condition; mourning is the expression. Encourage them to talk about their feelings, the person, their relationship with the person... what they need is to get the feelings out. Some people can't talk about their feelings directly, so talking about the person or their relationship is the next best thing.

 

So true. I often use this example: maybe both of our fathers died recently. You could be devastated because you had a close, loving relationship, and it was a total shock. I could be thrilled because I had a terrible relationship, hated the guy, saw it coming and knew I'd be in for a big inheritance. There is no 'one size fits all' for grief.

 

And yes you just cannot bypass grieving, at all. I'm not a fan of the stiff upper lip thing. The only way to get through your pain is to experience it, I find trying to dodge it just means it bites you in the arse later. Some people feel that keeping it all inside works for them and it's great if it does, but for the majority I think you really need an outlet. I loved bereavement counselling: knowing I had that one hour each week to go and talk about her to somebody who was interested and listened properly helped me to shelve it for the rest of the week. Writing was good too, writing blog posts about her (private ones) let me 'let go' of all of my thoughts because I knew they were safe there, waiting for me if I ever needed them.

 

When you've lose someone you love a lot of people try avoid mentioning them in case you burst into tears but I really NEEDED to speak about her, how awesome she was, what I felt about losing her. To this day, a few years later, I'll sometimes drop her into conversation if it's relevant ('oh, she would have loved this song!') and light. It helps me to feel like she's still part of my life. And after having her around for 22 years I don't see why she should be a taboo, unspoken topic for the next part of my life. It helps me feel connected I think.

 

I know there's a time and a place (i.e. best not to ask somebody in the middle of their workday in case they DO get upset and find it hard to carry on) but it's so important to just send a simple text, or make a phone call, when someone's going through a hard time. Just to see how they are doing and let them know you care. You don't even really need to do anything, you often can't. Just knowing people are there for you is the key... I would say it took me about 6 months to begin grieving, and a year of serious grieving before I felt okay about losing her. I am so grateful to my best friends for sticking it out through all of that. Although it did cost me a relationship with the poor guy that I got with a month before she died (wasn't planned) and who lived with me throughout all of that grief. Just too much for some people to handle, unfortunately.

[salparadise]

I would say it took me about 6 months to begin grieving, and a year of serious grieving before I felt okay

 

My mother died of Alzheimer's, so after ten years of losing her day by day, and her not having been even a little lucid for a couple of years, there was a sense of relief that her wasted body would suffer no more. The grieving was mostly done by then. The day after the funeral I spent with my brother canoeing on the river. We talked that day, and afterwards I was ready to start moving forward.

 

But even as similar as those events were for my brother and I, we experienced it differently. It's always unique to the individual and exploring that uniqueness is a good way to be empathetic.

[salparadise]

IMO there is no difference. Though I don't understand...

 

Right, you don't understand.

[carhill]

I've examined this of late, being hit with a number of friends diagnosed with cancer. In my prior life, it was nearly instinctive to take on their pain and fear and whatever other emotions were expressed/sensed as my own, with the attendant physical and psychological malaise. Over time, I learned how to moderate that empathic response and become more sympathetic, where I listen, seek to understand and express my support for them, but without taking their feelings on at any elemental level. Perfect? No! I still catch myself. Age and death has tempered it, especially doing EOL care. Also, the MC we went through during the tail end of my M helped in separating out the feelings of empathy and sympathy and working on finding a healthier mix.

 

I didn't view the video.

[Stay_Gold]

"Its not what you say...but...how you say it"

 

I believe this phrase best sums it up for me when it comes to sympathy/empathy and people's interactions pertaining to emotional needs.

 

I should know...I am going through a tough time in my life and sometimes...I just wish people knew "HOW" to say something.

 

My 2 cents. Thanks.

[FitChick]

There is such a thing as too much empathy as anyone with codependent tendencies knows. I try to switch it off sometimes because it can hurt me as much it does the other person. Sometimes I force myself to switch it off because it can entangle me in the other person's life too much.

I had one particular friend (past tense) who drained the life out of me. She created her own problems most of the time then would ask me what to do. I'd tell her. She'd ignore me and keep complaining. The situation would continue. Years! One day I decided I'd had enough. When she'd ask, "What should I do?" I'd put it back on her, "What do you think you should do?" "I don't know." "Gee, that's too bad." Then when she came after me again later with the same whining, I'd say either "Gee, that's too bad" or "So what are you planning to do?" I eventually did a slow fade. Some people enjoy playing The Victim.