Borderline Personality Ex

[ThorntonMelon]

It is so hard to deal with these situations.

 

"I love you" isn't I love you, it's "I love how you make me feel".

 

All the rules of life are tossed out the window. Even professional help isn't fixing it for me.

 

I wish you all the strength I have yet to exhibit.

[FreedomRings]

My biggest issue is that I revolved my whole life around my BPD ex. He was my everything, I catered to him. And then suddenly it wasn't good enough anymore. And when I'd pull back a bit, he'd lure me back in. And then he'd shut me out again. Trying to control me, I guess. And it worked for a while but it was making me crazy.

 

Now that I realize that he more than likely suffers from a personality disorder, and that I may have some core issues to deal with myself...I no longer take it so personal. And since he sees nothing wrong with his behavior and the way he lives his life... I have to move on and let go. I personally see that the way that I attached to him as a huge problem, so I am working on myself. I can't 'work on' him anymore...and I can't control him. So I am going inward and 'working on' myself...and doing what I have to do to improve my life.

 

The hardest part is putting someone who I once saw as my future...into my past now. Like I said, my world revolved around him so I never even considered him not being there. I never thought he would want to leave me after all I did for him. I put overwhelming effort into him and this relationship.

 

Now, I have to transfer the energy I put into him, into me and what I want for my life. It's difficult to start over again because I exhausted so much energy trying to please him and make our relationship work.

 

It's tough to start over, but you have to. Leave the past in the past, learn from your mistakes and learn to love again... learn to love yourself. You survived...you're surviving and life goes on. Keep moving forward. Life sometimes knocks you down, but as long as you keep getting back up, you're doing fine.

 

At least this is what I keep telling myself

[Craft81]

Someone had posted an article to a site about toxic relationships and I happened to come across an article on the same site that hits very close to home... her being the borderline and I, the guy, that fell in love with her.

 

It explains everything from how I feel now and what she has done etc.

 

AT ANY COST: Saving your Life after Loving a Borderline.

[Caliguy30]

It doesn't make sense how I miss someone who treated me so terribly so much. I'm still NC, but I want to talk to her so bad ?

[KaliLove]

Because you're a codependent..like most people who are attracted to Borderlines. You need to work past it.

[Craft81]

Exactly, being co-dependent and also play the role of the caregiver, definitely attracts us to borderlines.

 

Just gotta stop.

 

I understand a lot more now -- just wish I knew 2 years ago. Lessons definitely learned.

[spicelover]

It doesn't make sense how I miss someone who treated me so terribly so much. I'm still NC, but I want to talk to her so bad ?

 

Hey Cali,

 

I understand what you're going through. Try not to think about the good sides. I know it's hard when the good is so damn good. I'm focusing on the bad stuff to help me get through. I've been trying to remember what it feels like to have mutually loving relationship with someone instead of the constant fear of moods, or being attacked for being yourself.

 

I believe my ex was BPD as well, at least to some degree, and it hurts like hell to think that someone you were so close to can just flick the switch like that.

 

Spice

[Caliguy30]

It sucks so much to feel unmissed, unloved, when you put so much into something you thought was good. It sucks so much to wish she would reach out. Like she is off having the time of her life and not thinking about me at all. I mean she hasn't even sent any angry emails or shown up at my house or anything. I at least thought she'd be upset. I guess it's counterproductive.

[Craft81]

Because you're a codependent..like most people who are attracted to Borderlines. You need to work past it.

 

It sucks so much to feel unmissed, unloved, when you put so much into something you thought was good. It sucks so much to wish she would reach out. Like she is off having the time of her life and not thinking about me at all. I mean she hasn't even sent any angry emails or shown up at my house or anything. I at least thought she'd be upset. I guess it's counterproductive.

 

And to be honest and to be real about it (not to be a d*ck though), it's probably a good bet she is having a good time (well, at least she thinks she is) and she would flaunt it in front of you if she had the chance. My ex did that several times, any way she could, e-mails, calls, texts, calls from others etc -- just a twisted fiendish thing to do. I know my ex is -- she has an entire contact list full of men and women to be at her every beck and call and she's fine with it. They don't care about us anymore once they get past that stage -- they found someone better (to them).

 

I'm glad you are posting here instead of trying to reach out to her. In my instance, my ex can't drive and can't get a car until July 2014 -- mainly because of her 3 DUI'/DWI's or whatever -- she lives downtown and I live in the southern suburbs.. so her only way to get to me is either by metro bus or by someone else -- but she never remembers where I live.. which is about 20 miles from downtown from her. I'm glad I don't have to worry about that. Let alone the fact that I'm leaving the state on Wednesday.. 3 days from now.

 

Stay strong. You are doing good now. Same with me.

Edited April 27, 2014 by Craft81

[Detox]

This thread has been so helpful to me that I had to make an account just to thank everyone in here for sharing their stories and posting information. This thread is the reason that I've decided I can't go back to my ex anymore, and I thank each and every one of you in here for that.

 

My girlfriend and I broke up yesterday. We've broken up many times before, and if I hadn't discovered this thread, I'd probably go back to her again until I finally lose my mind for good. When I read your stories here, I feel like you're telling my own. I don't know if my ex has BPD or not, but she sure seems to display many traits of this disorder. I can't say that knowing that I'm not crazy will take away the pain of leaving someone I love dearly, but it really does help me to know that I'm not crazy and that there's no point in reconciling with her anymore.

 

I don't want to hijack this thread and make it all about my story, so I won't go into detail here. I just know that time passed and I became someone I don't even recognize anymore. I can't believe I let someone affect me so much that I started to doubt if I deserved to be treated decently.

 

Anyway, Caliguy30, I wanted you to think about something. You know how much effort you put into being with your ex? Remember how hard you tried and how much you struggled? If you can put that much effort into putting up with BS, then you can put the effort into NOT putting up with it. You've already proven how strong you are so remember that. You've put in Herculean efforts to keep the relationship afloat. And now you can put those same efforts into living your life without her. You're strong as hell so don't forget or downplay that. Use that strength to live your life and move forward. You can do it, no matter how hard you think it is.

[Craft81]

Welcome to the forums, Detox. This thread has been so helpful for me that I finally decided to create an account and start posting... just like you.. even though I've been lurking around here for the past few months.

 

You're definitely not alone. I'm glad I'm not alone on this -- it's nice to know that there's others that understand and are going through the same things we are so we can help each other.

[starryeyedsurprise]

The best thing to do is walk away from these people. They do nothing but cause harm, drama and chaos in everyones life. Not just yours, but everyone they come in contact with. I am still in the process of healing and recovering from being used by my ex. There are days I want revenge on him because he used me for sex, money, and ego boost, etc. but where will that get me? Nowhere.

 

The best way to handle this is move on and live that happy life you are dying for. You are in control now. Yes, it's difficult to move away from someone you loved with your heart and soul. It's difficult knowing you put in so much effort and never worked for anything harder in your whole life. I did everything for my ex, and I mean everything. All my thoughts and actions went to him, but he would never do the same for me. Why put in effort to someone who can't do the same in return?

 

I thought my love would somehow fix him, I know that I can't, he needs to fix himself. At this rate I know it won't happen because he is not capable of living a normal life and will do this to each woman he is with for the rest of his life.

 

The push pull is the worst, mine would come back dropping crumbs of attention saying he needs me in his life, he is happy we are getting closer, etc. all lies. He might have meant it at that moment, but not for the long haul. They live in the now, and have no concern or regard for the future.

 

To all of us living in this nightmare, it is time to wake up. It is going to be very difficult, but we have a choice. Stay and continue the horrendous treatment, or move on and be happy. I am working on being happy, but that doesn't help the depression and sadness I feel at this moment.

[Caliguy30]

Detox- I'm glad sharing my long story can help. Trust me, this morning reading your post about how I put forth so much effort to make things better, that I can take that effort and make my life better for myself was very helpful. I have been struggling really hard the last couple of days. I think it's because I'm in in unchartered waters here since we have gone a week before without talking. I wake up every morning hoping that somehow she has contacted me to say the right things like she misses me and wants nothing more than to be with me, but that will not happen. I was in the angry phase now I'm just getting thru day to day.

I think about all the times she told me about how her guy friends thought that they were going to start dating, but that she told them she had a boyfriend. Trust me, I have seen her text guys and it is not normal friendly conversation. She has to be given constant attention, which hurts me so deeply because I have to sit here thinking she's with someone else.

I know deep in my heart I deserve better, but somehow I allowed myself to stay in something so unhealthy. I want to tell her off like StarryEyes says, but it's not going to do anything but let her know I still care. I want her to feel the heartache that I feel and the complete loss, but in reality she set herself up with plenty of people to call for attention. It is the worst feeling in the world to feel like I put in so much effort to be treated poorly and want nothing but love in return and feel like I am completely forgotten, unloved, and taken for a fool. I'm really hurt and am just trying to hope that each day gets better.

[FredJones80]

I wake up every morning hoping that somehow she has contacted me to say the right things like she misses me and wants nothing more than to be with me, but that will not happen. I was in the angry phase now I'm just getting thru day to day.

 

It is the worst feeling in the world to feel like I put in so much effort to be treated poorly and want nothing but love in return and feel like I am completely forgotten, unloved, and taken for a fool. I'm really hurt and am just trying to hope that each day gets better.

 

Caliguy30, although my situation isn't exactly the same I can relate to a lot of what you say, especially the bits I've quoted above.

 

There just aren't words to describe how crappy these situations are...

[starryeyedsurprise]

Detox- I'm glad sharing my long story can help. Trust me, this morning reading your post about how I put forth so much effort to make things better, that I can take that effort and make my life better for myself was very helpful. I have been struggling really hard the last couple of days. I think it's because I'm in in unchartered waters here since we have gone a week before without talking. I wake up every morning hoping that somehow she has contacted me to say the right things like she misses me and wants nothing more than to be with me, but that will not happen. I was in the angry phase now I'm just getting thru day to day.

I think about all the times she told me about how her guy friends thought that they were going to start dating, but that she told them she had a boyfriend. Trust me, I have seen her text guys and it is not normal friendly conversation. She has to be given constant attention, which hurts me so deeply because I have to sit here thinking she's with someone else.

I know deep in my heart I deserve better, but somehow I allowed myself to stay in something so unhealthy. I want to tell her off like StarryEyes says, but it's not going to do anything but let her know I still care. I want her to feel the heartache that I feel and the complete loss, but in reality she set herself up with plenty of people to call for attention. It is the worst feeling in the world to feel like I put in so much effort to be treated poorly and want nothing but love in return and feel like I am completely forgotten, unloved, and taken for a fool. I'm really hurt and am just trying to hope that each day gets better.

 

What hurts me the most is all the lying he has done. Do I really want a friend like this in my life? Do you? If you had a friend that did nothing but lie I can guarantee you would cut that person out of your life so fast.....but why do we stay with these disordered people? It's becuase we are addicted to them, and it's not healthy.

 

Mine is back with the girl he has been cheating on. I became the other woman without knowing. He has lied to me about her for over a year now. she has no clue about me, and they are still together. This is her problem now, she can have the chaos.....but it doesn't change the fact that it hurts to much and the pain is so deep.

 

I was just intimate with him last week, this was after I met out with him to end it face to face, and somehow he ignored my whole 1 hour speech and asked to come back and sleep at my house. Stupid me, I fell for it again. I am only a few days out and know what you are going through. He used me or he slept over to keep me at bay. Either reason is not right and I feel used.

 

I want to confront him, but I won't. I want to tell him exactly what is on my mind, but I won't. I want to tell him he needs a lifetime of therapy, and even that won't help him. They are sick.

 

I have been texting myself all the things I want to say to him. I refuse to feed his ego any longer. I was a doormat and a fool to believe anything.

[Caliguy30]

I've been that angry and it feels great, but what I'm dealing with now is sadness. I wish I still felt that angry and my problem is I don't want the anger to build up as it's something I've tried to move away from in my life. My issue is just the feeling of not being missed. Like it all meant nothing to her. You are right though, I would never be friends with someone who brought me so much pain and hurt. Lying to me cheating on me. Making me feel like I was the one who wasn't good enough. Makes me sad

[starryeyedsurprise]

I've been that angry and it feels great, but what I'm dealing with now is sadness. I wish I still felt that angry and my problem is I don't want the anger to build up as it's something I've tried to move away from in my life. My issue is just the feeling of not being missed. Like it all meant nothing to her. You are right though, I would never be friends with someone who brought me so much pain and hurt. Lying to me cheating on me. Making me feel like I was the one who wasn't good enough. Makes me sad

 

and you know what...I will feel that sadness soon as well. After a few days or a week, I will feel that desperate pit of despair knowing he never cared about me as well. That he won't reach out and somehow prove me wrong. That the whole last year was not based on a lie. It's coming for me, I am not looking forward to it.

 

I had NC with him for the entire month of December. I was starting to feel better, not great, but better....stupid me reached out to him around the holidays and I set myself back. I played this game with him for an additional 4 months....but it has to stop now.

 

Just knowing that he won't treat anyone he is with better. Knowing that this is the path he will keep on. Knowing he will continue to suffer is my Karma. I have to believe in this, just knowing that one day it will all catch up to him and he will be discovered. I don't wish harm on anyone, I just want him gone out of my head.

[Caliguy30]

The situation just sucks. God to think she cheated on me with another guy the thought just grosses me out. To take her back even and then have her lie and torment me and allow it to happen. I wish people could see her for who she truely is. Well let me rephrase that, I wish people she is friends with could see her for who she truely is. My friends have been questioning what I see in her since we started dating.

[Caliguy30]

I guess I just struggle with that everyone says she is going to come back. I know that I need to forget about that, because I need to prepare myself if she does come back to say no, but I mean it sucks to think what if she doesn't. I need to move forward and I'm kind of hung up on that.

[ThatMan]

The situation just sucks. God to think she cheated on me with another guy the thought just grosses me out. To take her back even and then have her lie and torment me and allow it to happen. I wish people could see her for who she truely is. Well let me rephrase that, I wish people she is friends with could see her for who she truely is. My friends have been questioning what I see in her since we started dating.

Now there's a screwed up desire.

 

The thing is, people typically understand that they're not to involve themselves with a grown adult who has the emotional maturity of a six year old. They do not willingly enmesh themselves within a sick fantasy of a severely mentally ill and troubled individual. Your friends seem to have a normal and healthy reaction. You on the other hand, certainly do not see her for who she truly is. She is a sick person who never truly loved you in any genuine sense, and if she does in fact have BPD, then the only thing you two shared together was a sick fantasy. These fantasies always shatter because those with BPD inevitability paint each and every single person they meet with broad, negative generalizations referred to as devaluations. This is why they go through life contributing nothing to this world but misery and pain for all those who cross their path. You need to remember that. You need to stay away from her.

 

We're on the same page as sociopaths. The APA is strongly considering revising the Axis-II disorders to list individual features of by cluster type. People only have only personality after all, yet many receive a diagnosis of multiple personality disorders. This is why men with BPD are frequently sent to prison and misdiagnosed with AsPD. Instead there is consideration that people will be diagnosed with individual cluster-b traits instead because it is a spectrum disorder. Cluster-B is currently assigned to anti-social personality disorder and borderline personality disorder.

Edited April 29, 2014 by ThatMan

[Detox]

First off, thanks for the welcome. This is a great place because people can share their experiences with others who understand. I feel so much shame because I let myself get to this point with someone who really never cared, but this thread has really helped me more than I can say. I realized that things just aren't going to change and I have to let go before I lose myself.

 

I know it's hard to think of your ex being with someone else, especially after all the good times you had. It hurts to know that, after all the effort you put into the relationship, your ex can let go so easily. Here we are, unable to stop thinking about them and unable to move forward, while they're out living their lives as if we were nothing to them. We're in this forum while they're out living it up. Maybe that's what hurts the most.

 

There are people who treat animals better than my ex treated me, and maybe this is the case for you. You can't be with someone like that! I don't care how much you think you love your ex; you can't be with someone who treats you worse than an animal.

 

What's helping me right now is to change my attitude. There are some things in life you can't change, but you can change how you react and think. What happened with your relationship was tragic, and you can either sit around dwelling on that or you can look at it as a lesson. It might just be a blessing, you know? Focus on the positive aspects of this rather than the negative.

 

You learned what your limits are. You learned how strong you are! You got beaten down time and time again, but you're still here. Isn't that a testament to your strength and character? I believe it is. You've more than proven yourself here and I think you should be proud of that. You got treated like garbage and here you are, trying to better yourself and your situation. So many people just give up but you haven't.

 

You have such a capacity to love and care for someone else. Your ex beat you down time and time again and you aren't out beating her up, slashing her tires, sending nudes to her grandparents, etc. Look at this experience as something positive. Look at your actions and realize that you're a damned good person. Most importantly, it's a blessing that she's no longer in your life because now you can find the right people to be around.

 

Stay strong and focus on the positive aspects of this, because this really might turn out to be a blessing in disguise.

[starryeyedsurprise]

As difficult as it might to be to admit, this is a blessing in disguise. That is how I am programming the thoughts in my brain. I am focussing on the now, and not the future. If you start spinning and thinking of her, look at something right in front of you. A pen, a flower, your couch. These things are all certain, they are in the now. You cannot control the future as much as you want. You cannot figure her out, it's impossible to put so much control and so much of yourself into someone who will never return the love you so deserve.

 

I have made a change the last few days. I made peace with mine. We had a battle at the beginning of the week, I told him what I thought, got it off my chest, screamed, yelled, cursed and than we both apologized. That is how I am going to walk away from him, with that apology and nothing more. I don't expect anything anymore from him because I know what he is capable of, and it's not enough for me anymore. I deserve real and true love....period.

 

Yes, he was a great love to me. Yes, I prayed for someone like that to come into my life, and he did. There were many many good times, but the bad has overshadowed and taken over. It stopped being fun for me, and more like a never ending cycle of drama and chaos. Drama and chaos that he would start by blowing hot and cold, pushing me and pulling me at the same time. Yes, I feared losing him....but you know what? I fear losing me more. I can stay on the disatrous merry go round with him for as long as I wish. I can dance with him all night long and for the rest of my life if I want. He will never let me go, he will never say goodbye...and you know why? I have shown him that I am a doormat and he can use and abuse, lie and cheat and I will believe all his heartfelt apologies. I can choose to get off the ride and I am. It's my choice, just as it is your choice. Don't you want to live a happy normal life? Without a personality disorder getting in the way of your true happiness? Don't you want stability? Something real?

 

I kept going back because I have empathy and I care. If I just love him more, show him how much I care, etc...that somehow he would snap and realize what is in front of him. Honestly, it doesn't matter who is in front of him. It could be the queen, Madonna, Kat Von D, any supermodel, the end result will be the same. They are who they are and trust me, she will not change. I guarantee if you do the right thing, walk away from her today, she will contact you years down the road, with some tragedy that she got herself into. I can guarnatee you this. Trust me also when I say that years down the line you will say thank god to yourself that you got out of that. You won't see that today, but you will later. I have seen this with friends who are exactly in the same position we are in. They do not change. It is impossible without years and years of therapy and/or medication. It would take a lifetime of therapy for them, which is truly sad. They are who they are. Love them or not, it won't change the outcome.

 

The fantasy life would be great wouldn't it? If they would only treat us better, or give more attention, it would be so wonderful right? It's not going to happen, no matter how much effort you put in. Nothing will change who they are.

 

Reading back what I wrote, it's almost like I am typing this out for myself as well. I have to stay strong, we all have to stay strong. There will be someone else in the future. Take this time to figure you out. Stop being the caregiver, find someone that you don't have to "take care of" or find that person that will take care of you at times. It should be 50/50, equal, partners, best friends, lovers, etc. Don't settle for a role that you know will destroy you in time. don't settle for some fantasy or if only she did this or that....she has proven what she is. Take it at face value. That is the cold hard truth.

[Caliguy30]

Trust me I've been dealing with this since December. I really really want to walk away and I'm trying so hard each day to realize how much better off I am. It is just really hard to accept that all the fun times were a sham and that she can literally walk away feeling nothing. For someone so unstable it's just surprising she has tried very little to reach out.

[flitzanu]

have anyone's exes been diagnosed as BPD, or is this just the stigma everyone is putting on them looking for an excuse for their poor behavior?

[Caliguy30]

I think you need to find somewhere else to pass judgement until you've been through this type of situation.