My ex-girlfriend was just raped

[card]

I said stuff about this in another thread but it was off topic, so here's a new one.

 

A couple nights ago my ex (Her mom broke us up, she's 15 and I'm 16) was hanging out with some friends, one of whom was 19. He was flirting with her all night and feeling her up and stuff, which isn't okay. She was hurt by it because she asked him if he liked her and he said no, so she felt used.

 

Last night, she was hanging around the same group of friends. She was given some kind of dare to kiss the guy and she thought it would be okay, so she tried giving him a quick kiss. He held on for a really long time and ended up forcing her to perform certain acts on him.

 

I don't know how to feel or what to do. I've been trying to tell her that she needs to tell her parents but she just says "stop" or "don't". I'm completely furious at him and her at the same time. Why did she think it was a good idea to hang out with him? How could he do something like that? And the worst thing is she's pretty much forgiven him. He told her that he didn't know it was wrong. So pissed at everything and scared for her because I have a feeling they're going to hang out again.

 

After not accepting my advice she told me that I make her mad because I keep talking to her which is making it hard for her to get over me. I'm just trying to help, god dammit. I want to call the cops and get this guy locked up but I know she would never talk to me again if I did that.

[chados]

first of all, always take it seriously. if she got raped its every persons duty to call the police. not only to protect her but to protect every other woman out there from a guy like that. talk to her and tell her that this is whats gonna happen. if it didnt, hopefully she will tell you that before its to late.

 

 

this might seem cold, but i just dont belive this. the fact that her biggest concern was how to get over you after getting raped doesnt sound like a rape but more like a cry for help. im not saying that she did anything sexual with him on free will, im also not saying that it even happened. but i highly doubt that he violated her. im gonna explain why.

 

 

she is 15 years old and youre 16. you might look at yourself as an adult, but im telling you that 10 years from now youre not gonna look back and think like that. her mom broke you up, why is that? how is her relationship to her mom? how is she as a person? how are you as a person? has she ever been abused by anyone? do she go to school or is she out partying? just a couple of days later shes kissing another guy according to her. i dont even know if this is true. but lets say it is. right here you should tell yourself. this isnt okey. the fact that she forgives him after raping her, i cant believe that. and now she says, dont talk to me im trying to get over you.

 

 

ive said this, but again. according to you. her mom broke you up. she kisses another guy. he accuses him of raping her. and the only one shes telling is you. she forgives the guy and dont want you or anyone else to contact the cops or even help her through it. the only thing she wants is for you not talking to her so she can get over it. if this doesnt cause any concern i dont know.

 

 

if i didnt make it clear enough. she forgives the guy who raped her. but want nothing to do with you because she wants to get over you.

[meghann8]

If she's underage, (she's 15 and he's 19?) that's statutory rape. If he has sex with her (any kind of sex - vaginal, anal, or oral; even if they both agree it's consensual), it's considered rape. Yes, if this gets out, her parents will be involved. I don't know her parents, but if they act anything close to a normal and reasonable parenting reaction, they'd want to protect their daughter and want to bring charges against the rapist IMMEDIATELY.

 

I'm sorry you have to deal with this. Having any type of contact with an ex is always tricky, and on top of that, she was just involved in a traumatic event. As far as her reactions go after it happened, I don't understand it. Personally, I'd be mad, I'd question the whole scene, wonder where I went wrong, and wonder where he went wrong. What she's doing is victim blaming herself and letting him off the hook for all of his actions. It's a very difficult loop to get out of, but it's possible. Tell her that she needs to talk to a counselor. It'll help her talk things out. For her, she'll realize that what she did was not a warranting move to make her perform a sexual act. And the counselor will most likely inform the police and her parents.

 

*** General rule of thumb for any sexual activity or steamy moment: both women and men have the right to say NO at any time. Neither party is required to start, continue, or finish any act!!! If the partner continues beyond the wishes of the other and/or forces himself/herself onto the other, that is rape territory. ***

 

In this situation, I'm sure the guy said stuff to guilt her into performing the sexual act. She needs to know that, especially with that guy, men may lie and make up stuff to try to get you to perform more and more things. She needs to have a plan set in her head, know her limit, and be confident in herself and what she wants. Her confidence is not going to hurt his feelings.

 

She may hate you for a little while if/when you push her to talk to the police/counselor/parents, but it's the right thing to do. Also, you are within your legal right to receive professional help yourself. You can talk to a counselor about this situation and they will be able to give you more direction and legal actions.

 

Believe me, I more than understand your anger. I've felt that same anger for the past month. Talking it out helped me. Good luck

[chados]

ive read your other posts. and like i said always take it seriously. but i personally do not believe it. especially after reading your posts. she is having some mental problems. no trust in men. her mom wont let her date anyone because of it. it sounds serious. is she diagnosed with something?

[card]

@Chados

 

First of all, thanks for replying.

 

Just to be clear: She told one of her best friends before me and another friend who (According to her) is going to confront the rapist about it. She only told me after I asked her what was wrong when she posted something on some social networking site.

 

She's been sexually assaulted once before about a year ago... I'm pretty certain both cases did in fact happen. I know her pretty well and she's almost too honest. One of the things she said after she told me all of this is "Why do all boys do this to me", which makes me think she "forgave" him (I don't actually think she forgave him, but is maybe in denial right now) because she's used to being messed with.

 

Her mom broke us up because she has anxiety and depression issues.

 

 

@Meghann

 

Thank you. Shes does kind of have a habit of blaming herself for things she didn't cause. When we had to break up she wouldn't stop apologizing to me about how she's sorry that she brought me into this when she knew her mom would end it eventually. I guess in a way that is her fault but I'm glad it happened anyway and she kept beating herself up.

Edited February 16, 2014 by card

[card]

Another thing to note...She has very low self confidence. When she isn't in a relationship she has sex with other guys (Often friends), even if she doesn't really want to. I'm guessing she does it to feel desired.

[lollipopspot]

As far as her reactions go after it happened, I don't understand it. Personally, I'd be mad, I'd question the whole scene, wonder where I went wrong, and wonder where he went wrong. What she's doing is victim blaming herself and letting him off the hook for all of his actions.

 

I do understand her reaction, and that of your roommate. Especially if you're an insecure person, or shy, you don't want the spotlight on you, you're afraid of being raked over the coals and everyone pointing out what you did wrong, and how you should have known better, or were stupid. You'd already feel that about yourself. You'd want it all just to go away and things to go back to normal. Even though you'd still be traumatized and it would affect your sense of self.

 

There have been many times in which someone - even professionals - did something to me that many other people would have been angry about, and stood up for themselves - but because of my past experiences and personality, I'll often turn it inwards more. So I can understand that tendency.

[chados]

and im gonna repeat myself again. always take it seriously. but i guess you dont know if she told her friends or do you? and that doesnt prove anything. i have no idea who this girl is. but she sounds like she could be bipolar maybe?. like the above poster said its a rape because of the age in some countries. and in some its not. the only ones who cares about a couple of years difference are the parents.

 

no 15 year old guy is gonna say no to a 19 year old girl. if youre 70 and have a girlfriends thats 18 its not rape. and i dare say thats more disturbing. to make it clear. she might have gotten raped agewise. and the guy might be the biggest douche in the universe. but i dont think shes telling you that she got raped because he was 19 and she did it on free will. ive seen this before more then once. and the story just doesnt sound right to me.

[card]

It does seem a little fishy, but I still think she's telling the truth. She isn't one to make up that she was raped (Disregarding the age difference) just to get a reaction or sympathy.

Edited February 16, 2014 by card

[chados]

well i dont want you to tell her that people on the internet told me this and that. that you keep to yourself. the last thing she needs if its actually true is people doubting her. im telling you this because youre not her.

 

questions.

 

did he do oral on her or the other way around?.

 

you said something about a party, was she alone with him?

 

do you know if she is diagnosed with anything? taking medicin etc?.

[card]

It wasn't really a party, she was just hanging out with about 3 other friends watching a movie and I guess she was dared to kiss this guy. I'm assuming they went somewhere else to do this. After they kissed for longer than she was comfortable with he pushed her head down and made her, y'know.

 

She's diagnosed with depression and anxiety, and her and I have both thought that she might be bipolar. I haven't said anything about it to her but she may have BPD. She's taking meds for her depression + anxiety.

Edited February 16, 2014 by card

[chados]

this is a problem to me. he most have some big balls to actually rape her while her friends are there. and he was getting oral from her after they kissed. she most have walked with him to another room cause it would be very strange doing that infront of everyone else, i dont think he forced her there. cause there were people couple feet away.

 

you know what interesting. we both think that she is bipolar. and i dont even know her. just from your story i can relate to other people ive seen. and i can relate to policeinvestigations. if you are bipolar there are some that gets addicted to attention, sex, alcohol and more. and the problem for these people is that some of them cant deal with themselves. you also told me that she felt used because he said, and this is another important thing in the story. he said he didnt like her. if that was before or after they did it i dont know. i dont even know if it happened at all.

 

 

i think that she kissed him, maybe her friends tried to hook them up. or maybe it was just a game.

 

 

they went to the bathroom. after she asked if he liked her. he said not more then friends. because he probably knew that she was sleeping around and thats what he wanted. why else would he be hanging with 15 year old girls?. after all this, she couldnt deal with the fact he didnt want anything more. probably because of being bipolar or close to it. bpd can be really really hard. sometimes you cant even tell what goes on from the outside.

[card]

That was a good response, thank you.

The whole "I only like you as a friend" thing happened the night before. I don't think they know each other very well, so I doubt he knows that she sleeps around.

 

It feels like she wants to just wallow in self-pity and not do anything about it. the second I'm done listening to her story and pitying her I give her advice like "You need to tell someone who can do something about it" and she completely shuts me off. I remember I said something like "You need to stay far away from him" and she replies with "Yeah", but then I think I said that he's really messed up and she goes "Stop", like she's defending him.

 

Another thing, I remember her adding details about her choking and not being able to breathe...just more support that she didn't make it up. And very briefly she said something about him showing her and her best friend naked pictures of himself and (No idea why) other girls.

Edited February 16, 2014 by card

[chados]

it doesnt matter if he knows or not, shes 15 and he should be hanging with 19 year old girls. im not saying that its the worst thing that ever happened on this earth if she had sex with him at. it happens. i wouldnt wanted my sister to do that when she was 15. and i wouldnt want maybe a future daughter to do it, heck i if i could choose no 15 year old should have sex.

 

 

it seems like youre answering your own questions. i think you understand what im saying. if you believe it fully or not is up to you. i would be very careful accusing someone for rape after everything youve told me. its not just did you do it or not? its also a thing he might have to live with for the rest of his life even if hes not guilty people are gonna talk. cops are gonna know about him. might be harder for him to get a job in the future.

 

 

and by the way, you just said something here.

 

"I only like you as a friend" thing happened the night before.

 

do you get it?

Edited February 16, 2014 by chados

[lollipopspot]

There's no question that it's statutory rape (or whatever their contact was) and that this guy is a predator. Tell someone who can do something about that.

[chados]

lollipop. you cannot possible believe that this is a 100% rape. the story doesnt add up. to accuse someone in america for rape if hes innocent is not cool. and even though its considered rape because of the age difference i dont think its his job to call the police if she did it on free will. its 19 having sex with a 15 year old. its not the worst thing ever. do you know how many people that would have been raped if everyone went to the police? everyone thats one year younger then his or her partner and the older one is in the legal age would be rape.

[lollipopspot]

19 year old with a 15 year old is statutory rape (depending on what was done), and predatory behavior.

[card]

Lollipopspot, I would probably tell someone if I were absolutely certain he forced these acts upon her, but chados brings up a good point- If I'm wrong, it could ruin some aspects of this guy's life. Plus, she really doesn't want me getting involved. I offered to confront this guy about what he did and she said she would be super pissed if I did, likely because she doesn't want him knowing she told other people.

 

I honestly don't think it's worthy to be attributed withe the title of rapist if the age gap is that small, although it doesn't make it right.

[chados]

yeah according to the law yes. and like i said i wouldnt want anyone related to me do that. but you cannot say that hes a predator for god sake. do you know how many people that has been raped if everyone thinks like you?. like literally 50% of the world. cause in other countries the legal age isnt the same, and also if youre one year older then the other one its rape.

 

 

you cannot tell me that you would call the cops if your son or daughter was 18 and they choosed to have sex with a 15 year old?

[lollipopspot]

I think it's predatory for a 19 year old to have sexual relations with a 15 year old. Doesn't really matter what the circumstances are beyond that.

[chados]

so out of curiosity. are you a predator if youre 16 17 and 18 too? exactly where do you draw the line?

 

it sounds to me that she did all this by herself. even if he is to old for her, i highly doubt that he forced her to do anything. and looking at the age difference. an immature guy maybe. an idiot at its best. not someone that should get a punishment like some guy that forces himself upon a 12 year old girl at the age of 50.

 

 

sorry card got off topic. did u get what i said on the first page? about what you told me that guy said the day before this happened?

[lollipopspot]

I don't need to make hypotheticals. The ages are 15 and 19, and what he describes is predatory.

[chados]

I don't need to make hypotheticals. The ages are 15 and 19, and what he describes is predatory.

 

 

 

what he describes?. so youre just gonna believe what she said, even with all the doubts? i dont in any way think its good that hes 19. but youre going by the book. what if one is 18 and the other 60? the 18 year old is legal. but that would be much more disturbing to me.

[lollipopspot]

I don't need to make a hypothetical about what if he was 103 and she was 12.

 

He's 19 and she's 15, and there is no extenuating circumstance that he's described that makes this guy less predatory.

[card]

I'm not entirely sure about the significance of what I said is. What are you thinking?