My ex-girlfriend was just raped

[card]

Rape is hard to process. Victims often put themselves into situations where they can replicate the incident with a more positive outcome. It's a common occurrence.

 

Oh...That makes sense. And I guess I could tell my parents. If I can somehow find and contact her counselor that would be my best option.

 

Forgot to mention...She goes to counseling every week, so she probably went this week unless something came up (We had a big snow storm mid-week so that could have done it). I doubt she was cutting because of something from last week. Usually it's about something happening currently, and it doesn't even have to be anything that big. She doesn't do it for attention of course, she just gets easily upset.

[chados]

youre okey with the break up which is good. her mom and dad seems okey with her having him as a boyfriend. then leave it at that. shes feeding you with problems to get attention. i dont know how many times ive heard someone say they want to cut themself. have you ever actually seen her so depressed that she couldnt breath?.

 

 

im not sure if i believe that her mom knows shes with him. im not sure shes even with him. i think despite the age its redicilious for her to just get another boyfriend that fast. but thats normal at 15. i think shes doing everything she can to make herself sound as vulnerable as possible. she wants the attention, stop giving it to her. who starts the conversation you or her?. if its her then ask yourself twice why she only talk about her problems.

 

why she hates you all of the sudden?. i dont think she does. i think shes doing everything to put the spotlight on her. and here we are putting the blame on her mom. she might be terrible but the daughter is old enough to know that rape is wrong. accusing someone of rape that never raped her is wrong.. there are certain lines you shouldnt cross. and she has crossed every single one of them.

 

if you are okey with you two broken up, yet you still care. then do whats best for her and stop feeding her back. stop talking to her. if shes texting you then talk about something else. if she brings this up, then tell her you dont want to hear about it anymore.

[card]

Actually I have seen her so depressed that she couldn't breathe...Well, not depressed, but more like sad and stressed. She gets panic attacks. When she cuts it's not like a couple tiny marks on the wrist to say "oh woe is me look at what this cruel world hath done", she does it pretty hard, usually on her thighs. She's passed out from it before.

 

In our conversation I mentioned that it was odd how she said hi at 4 in the morning and she replied something like "yeah, a lot of **** happened". And I said stuff like "oh I'm sorry, that sounds unpleasant" or whatever. I asked her what happened and she got mad and said that I was obsessing over her life...Then it got down to her saying how I stress her out and that she doesn't like talking to me because of this, even though she contacted me. After we didn't talk I apologized which kind of made her angrier since she didn't want to keep talking. That's when she spilled everything that happened in the past couple of days, and when I said some stuff about how this guy isn't good and that it's only going to get her hurt in the end is when she started saying how I'm a d-bag and that she hates me.

[amaysngrace]

Oh...That makes sense. And I guess I could tell my parents. If I can somehow find and contact her counselor that would be my best option.

 

Forgot to mention...She goes to counseling every week, so she probably went this week unless something came up (We had a big snow storm mid-week so that could have done it). I doubt she was cutting because of something from last week. Usually it's about something happening currently, and it doesn't even have to be anything that big. She doesn't do it for attention of course, she just gets easily upset.

 

Do you mean her counselor or her guidance counselor? I'd involve the school because the mom will have to answer to them and they will be accountable and hold her accountable because quite frankly, she seems to have her head up her ass.

 

If you can bring it to your parents' attention and run it by them I would. You don't have to go into every detail, just make them aware that last week she said she was raped and last night she felt like cutting.

 

Then see what they think.

 

I give you a ton of credit for your desire and determination to help her but you're just a kid yourself and this really needs the attention of a person who is more equipped to deal with the struggles this girl is facing.

 

I thought by you giving it to her mom things would have improved but it doesn't sound like they are.

[amaysngrace]

youre okey with the break up which is good. her mom and dad seems okey with her having him as a boyfriend. then leave it at that. shes feeding you with problems to get attention. i dont know how many times ive heard someone say they want to cut themself. have you ever actually seen her so depressed that she couldnt breath?.

 

 

im not sure if i believe that her mom knows shes with him. im not sure shes even with him. i think despite the age its redicilious for her to just get another boyfriend that fast. but thats normal at 15. i think shes doing everything she can to make herself sound as vulnerable as possible. she wants the attention, stop giving it to her. who starts the conversation you or her?. if its her then ask yourself twice why she only talk about her problems.

 

why she hates you all of the sudden?. i dont think she does. i think shes doing everything to put the spotlight on her. and here we are putting the blame on her mom. she might be terrible but the daughter is old enough to know that rape is wrong. accusing someone of rape that never raped her is wrong.. there are certain lines you shouldnt cross. and she has crossed every single one of them.

 

if you are okey with you two broken up, yet you still care. then do whats best for her and stop feeding her back. stop talking to her. if shes texting you then talk about something else. if she brings this up, then tell her you dont want to hear about it anymore.

 

This is the worst advice I ever heard.

[card]

Oh, right...I guess I could tell her guidance counselor. I'm really worried though. I'm afraid that her mom is going to be questioned about this and then ask her daughter if she told them, and then she would know that I told. I think I'll tell my parents a little of the story and see what they think I should do.

 

Thanks, by the way

[chados]

amays, so exactly what are you suggesting?. her parents clearly knows shes having problems. anyone can tell she got problems. but shes actually putting her problem on another kid. i think the mom knows more then any of us. its easy to sit her and say that she doesnt do anything. maybe shes actually doing something. what they talk about we dont know.

 

card. im not trying to be hard on you. you seem like a nice guy. its just that you knew she had problems way before this. and i think you also know how much drama girls like her cause. its hard to take them seriously when something actually happens. people keep telling you to get her help, tell others she got raped etc. her mom knows this already and shes already in therapy.

 

what they have talked about we dont know. but i can almost guarante that they talked about it. i cannot ever believe that a guy that raped her would stay at her house. neither can i belive that she invited him or that her mom accepted this. + this whole story from the beginning.

 

yes i might sound harsh in my last post but im not trying to be mean. youre showing a lot of character. and i got nothing but respect for you trying to help her out without being interested in getting back together. but people like amays are trying to make this a forced rapecase. everything that happened should be on him. and now im gonna get a reply that this isnt the case.

[amaysngrace]

Chados first you question the mom's situation and seemed to predict exactly what this girl's home life is like and you were wrong.

 

Then you say you know for a fact that she was not raped as if you were there.

 

Then you say for Card not to speak to her about her problems when he is one of the few people she actually feels safe enough to open up to.

 

Dafuq...

[chados]

Chados first you question the mom's situation and seemed to predict exactly what this girl's home life is like and you were wrong.

 

Then you say you know for a fact that she was not raped as if you were there.

 

Then you say for Card not to speak to her about her problems when he is one of the few people she actually feels safe enough to open up to.

 

Dafuq...

 

 

wrong about what?. ive asked questions. ive right about most things even before i read it here. if you read everything that weve been talking about you know what im saying.

 

no i do not know 100% sure that she wasnt raped. go back and read once again. the whole time i said. i cannot know for sure. do i believe it happened? not even a little.

 

i did not say do not speak to her. i said do not feed her. do not ask her about it. talk to her as a friend if he wants that. dont initiate contact with her.

[card]

I get that you have personal experience with people who have lied about being raped, chados, but it's pretty much definitive that she was raped. No, I wasn't there but she's really sticking to her story and there are just little bits that let me know it's true.

 

And grace, I'm not sure it's really that she feels safe about opening up to me but more along the lines of she gets frustrated and stressed at me over things not even related to her problems and she thinks it's a good time to argue with me about me obsessing over her life even though I asked her what happened last night because she was upset about it... Though she did open up to me about her rape, so I guess she trusts me but I'm not the only person she trusts.

[amaysngrace]

wrong about what?

 

my guess is that her mom raised her by herself. she was young when she got her. she might not have been the best mom. her parents are divorced. the daughter is 15 and wants the attention she didnt have as a kid. she could be bipolar. but we know that shes having depressions and that she sleeps around. am i right or am i wrong?

 

she wasnt raped, theres no doubt about it.

 

stop talking to her. if shes texting you then talk about something else. if she brings this up, then tell her you dont want to hear about it anymore.

 

Yea...like I was saying...

[chados]

she updated her story i guess you can say . you cannot use definite. because if you do that. you have to call the police. if you know he forced himself upon her thats the only thing you should worry about. especially since youre telling me they are sleeping in the same bed now.

[amaysngrace]

I'm not sure it's really that she feels safe about opening up to me but more along the lines of she gets frustrated and stressed at me over things not even related to her problems and she thinks it's a good time to argue with me about me obsessing over her life even though I asked her what happened last night because she was upset about it... Though she did open up to me about her rape, so I guess she trusts me but I'm not the only person she trusts.

 

If I were you I'd tell your parents that she told you she was raped last weekend and this week she told you she felt like cutting.

 

Let them know that you told her mom about the rape but not about the cutting.

 

Then see what they think.

 

Honestly you're a good friend, especially when she seems to want to argue with you when you start putting pressure on her. I'm not a psychologist but that could be a way for her to get some of her crap out.

 

But like I already said, this girl is struggling with something. You have everything you need to help her. Her texts...her words.

 

See if your parents think it's a good idea to show that to her school guidance counselor or not and then take their advice. That's what I would do.

[chados]

yes i said theres no doubt about it. i can honestly admit that. because to me theres no doubt about it. and this was bad by me.

 

about the mom. i clearly said i guess. that they are divorced. card replied. no but they arent in a healthy relationship. pretty much everything that ive asked did come back either right or very close to it.

 

 

and the last one. where did i tell him to never talk to her again?. read it one more time.

 

 

if you read what ive been saying most of the times. i say. i "believe" or i ask him is this true?. and he always replies back with something close to what im saying. the exact same thing. or he tells me something completely new.

 

you said.

 

Then you say for Card not to speak to her about her problems when "he is one of the few people she actually feels safe enough to open up to". looks like were both speculating?

Edited February 23, 2014 by chados

[somedude81]

OK, I just read over this entire thread, and it doesn't sound like she was raped at all.

 

From what I can tell, she was only "pressured" into giving this guy a blow job. None of us know if she did it willingly or not. Odds are she did it without any coercion.

 

Later on she felt disgusted with this and started telling people that she was raped. Actually, did she even say that she was raped? Or that he "forced" her to give him a blow job.

 

Anyways, card, you need to cut her out of your life. This little girl sounds like serious bad news and will only bring you trouble.

 

Block her number and her Facebook. You don't need to be involved in what is going on with her.

[card]

She said that she was dared to kiss him, he kissed for much longer than she wanted, and eventually pushed her head down and made her blow him. She said she couldn't breathe and was choking, and said that it "wouldn't have been so scary if it didn't happen before". I dunno, little comments like that make it seem a lot more believable to me.

 

She never specifically said that she was raped but I said something to her like "He raped you, this guy is no good and you seriously should stay as far away from him as possible" and she didn't deny it. I think she said "He didn't know it was rape".

[amaysngrace]

you said.

 

Then you say for Card not to speak to her about her problems when "he is one of the few people she actually feels safe enough to open up to". looks like were both speculating?

 

Yea one of the few. Card said she trusts him too.

 

Is this is really important to you or are you just bored on a Saturday night?

[somedude81]

She said that she was dared to kiss him, he kissed for much longer than she wanted, and eventually pushed her head down and made her blow him. She said she couldn't breathe and was choking, and said that it "wouldn't have been so scary if it didn't happen before". I dunno, little comments like that make it seem a lot more believable to me.

 

She never specifically said that she was raped but I said something to her like "He raped you, this guy is no good and you seriously should stay as far away from him as possible" and she didn't deny it. I think she said "He didn't know it was rape".

I really don't see how a guy can push a girls head down and make her blow him. My guess is that she willing gave him a blow job, but he held her head there and she wasn't able to pull away. Why she didn't just bite him, I have no idea.

 

Either way, that is not rape.

 

It may be sexual assault, but it really depends on if she was forced to perform oral on the guy.

 

Why are you still talking to her?

[chados]

Yea one of the few. Card said she trusts him too.

 

Is this is really important to you or are you just bored on a Saturday night?

 

 

thats a great response coming from someone who just accused me of doing the exact same thing. i didnt wanna do it. i did it to make a point.

[card]

I think she did it and didn't bite because she was afraid he would hurt her. She told me that she's scared of him now.

[chados]

She said that she was dared to kiss him, he kissed for much longer than she wanted, and eventually pushed her head down and made her blow him. She said she couldn't breathe and was choking, and said that it "wouldn't have been so scary if it didn't happen before". I dunno, little comments like that make it seem a lot more believable to me.

 

She never specifically said that she was raped but I said something to her like "He raped you, this guy is no good and you seriously should stay as far away from him as possible" and she didn't deny it. I think she said "He didn't know it was rape".

 

 

new details again. you leave the most important things out. and this is by far the most important. you told her she got raped?.

[card]

new details again. you leave the most important things out. and this is by far the most important. you told her she got raped?.

 

I didn't realize I left this out... And yes, I told her. I said it to give her a good (VERY good) reason why she shouldn't hang out with this guy.

[somedude81]

I think she did it and didn't bite because she was afraid he would hurt her. She told me that she's scared of him now.

There were other people there right? If he tried to hurt her, somebody would come help her.

 

Anyways, all we know is he held her head there and she felt scared.

 

If she is scared of him now, why is he sleeping over and giving her doughnuts?

 

BTW Card, do you know what rape is?

[card]

There were other people there right? If he tried to hurt her, somebody would come help her.

 

Anyways, all we know is he held her head there and she felt scared.

 

If she is scared of him now, why is he sleeping over and giving her doughnuts?

 

BTW Card, do you know what rape is?

 

I'm gonna quote her...

"Well I had a dare to kiss ---- so I was like ok fine a quick kiss. then he didn't stop kissing me and pushed my head down and made me... you know and I couldn't breathe I was choking I was scared he never asked me if I was okay with it he just pushed my head down. he touched me everywhere"

 

I think I may have left out the touching part... sounds like rape to me.

[chados]

you told her that to give her a really good reason not to hang out with that guy. case closed