I want to leave again

[upallnight]

I left my husband of six years in November. We were married very young, had a child very quickly, and had a lot of stress in our lives. I didn't know him very well when we married, apparently, because shortly after we tied the knot, he became emotionally abusive. Things steadily escalated through the years, to the point where we were fighting every single day. He screamed at me for the littlest things, called me names, put down everyone and everything I loved, and basically did whatever he could to exert power over me or make me feel worthless. I walked on eggshells constantly and I was miserable.

 

In late October, it finally turned into physical abuse. It was then that I decided to get the hell out.

 

As soon as he found out I was going, he initiated some very big changes. He's been going to counseling and anger management groups, and he has put forth a genuine effort. I was prepared to end my marriage, but then I saw all he was doing and I felt guilted back into it. Plus, with the holidays coming up, I couldn't take being alone...I came home on Dec. 19th.

 

The problem now is not him. He has been wonderful. The problem is me. I'm just not happy with him, and I desperately want to leave again. I can't let go of the years of hurt that he put me through, and I really just don't feel like I love him. Marriage counseling is an option, but honestly, I am not willing to put forth the effort. I just.do.not.want.him. The only thing keeping me here is the fact that I want my daughter to have an intact family and I would feel incredibly guilty leaving again after he's made all these changes.

 

When i was on my own for that one month, I felt so great. I was reconnecting with my friends, making plans, meeting people, having fun...BECOMING MYSELF. Now I'm back here and I hate myself again.

 

I don't know what to do. I'm in a constant state of confusion, I can't concentrate, I can't sleep, I can't eat.

[Devildog]

This isn't something I would normally advise anyone trying to fix a relationship. But your case seems to be a bit different. I think it might be wise of you to NOT put 100% into your marriage at this point. It sounds like you really need to rediscover yourself and your self worth after years of emotional abuse. You need to feel good about yourself again. Take some time for you. Classes, a hobby. whatever makes you feel good about yourself. Rebuild your self worth.

 

I think part of your anger at your husband is still festering because you had that glimpse of life. I think if you were able to feel happier about yourself you might feel happier about your relationship. Right now you still feel all the emotional abuse he put you through. That is to be expected, those wounds are still pretty fresh.

 

If you get to feeling good about yourself I think you might feel differently. But please be careful. If you see the abuse starting again get out.

[MassiveAtom]

Well, For a hile there I thought you were my ex wife.

 

She told me I was emotionally abusive. Our marriage counselor and my therapist said it was the other way around.

 

There was no physical abuse, my childhood showed me first hand that violence is not okay.

 

She became unhappy because I think she realized that a close personal relationship with me required more emotional stregnth than she ever developed. I know it took everything I had to be married. LOL! She took everything I had to get divorced!

 

Look, I'm fresh out of the pain, of giving 100% and watching her walk away. I still feel the sting late at night when I think about everything I had done to better "fit" with her life. It's a shock when it all goes quiet. But prepare him.

 

Tell your husband, for his sake, exactly how you feel. Remember the male ego will immediately make him blame himself. You have to tell him that it's not about him anymore. That you just can't be happy, and need to go. (Just typing this is making me angry)

 

He is not going to hunt you down. He'll call you a couple of times, but he'll let go sooner than you think and find peace with himself. eventually his life will be just peachy.

 

I know all about the commitment and the guilt and the remorse of leaving, the confusion, the deliberateness, the certainty. Just do him a favor since you've become indifferent. just go.

 

It'll be alright.

[upallnight]

MA, if you didn't abuse your ex-wife, then how am I at all like her? I'm reacting to years of extreme emotional pain. I've cried more than my fair share of tears...why is it any surprise that I don't feel the same about him?

 

You are relating my situation to your own, and there's really no comparison.

[blind_otter]

Maybe because I just got out of a physically and emotionally abusive relationship, I feel that once physical abuse has taken place, you can no longer have trust with that person, so the relationship is moot. You can only have so much water under the bridge.

[MassiveAtom]

Originally posted by upallnight

MA, if you didn't abuse your ex-wife, then how am I at all like her? I'm reacting to years of extreme emotional pain. I've cried more than my fair share of tears...why is it any surprise that I don't feel the same about him?

 

You are relating my situation to your own, and there's really no comparison.

 

***All of the following is intended to be interpreted as delivered peacefully and calmly, with only a pleasant tone in my voice***

 

Yeah, I was relating to you through my own experience. I guess the typo threw it off. I wrote, "For a while there..." That means I changed my understanding about where you were coming from as I read your post.

 

I empathize deeply with those who endure physical and emotional abuse. In no way was I casting aspersions on your position. Not at all.

 

I understand how you feel. I've felt the same way.

 

I understood that you were feeling conflicting emotions about wanting to leave again. Conflicting emotions are as normal as noses.

 

You expressed some sympathy for him, which is also understandable. I was only trying to offer you the perspective of a man who has been wonderful, as you said he was, only to find his wife has become indifferent. You may not be indifferent, but however you feel, It looks like you want to go. I just thought I'd offer my take on how to sharpen the blade so the cut doesn't hurt as much. It still hurts like hell, but you could do it like my STBXW did, and make it hurt a whole lot more.

 

I wish you peace.

 

as always,

 

ma

[Ntanae]

I can certainly relate to you. Infact I almost had to wonder if I wrote your post in my sleep!!! I too have had the same things happen to me that you expressed. My husband of 13 years emotionally and physically abused me and it took almost 12 years for him to see that he was wrong after I told him that I no longer wanted to be with him anymore. Now he has tried to change and see where he was wrong. He was always very controlling and tried to analyze my friends and who I talked to. Any girlfriends were immediately considered "Bitches" that wer trying to get me to hunt other men. (not true)

 

I recently got an apartment that I have not moved into becasue I am scared. I know it is the right thing for me to do. (move) But I am terrified from fear and covered with guilt that I would leave after he has tried to change. I do not love him anymore and yes I have been talkin (only talkin) to other men. We have 2 boys ages 6 and 12. I feel like I am doing him an injustice by staying, becasue I do am not inlove with him anymore.

 

I told him 2 weeks ago that I would stay and in just 3 hours I felt my stomach cringe at the thought of spending anymore time with him including having sex. UUHHHHH!! Dont get me wrong he is an attractive man and some one else would jump to get with him. I have just grown out of love wth him.

 

I just want to know what do I do with the guilt that I have as a "woman who left her husband of 13 yrs that took care of her and the kids"? He was always a good provider but he was very verbally abusive and physical with me. Please some one respond - as he is callin me right now to have lunch with me at work and I dont want to - but I am..... just becasue. I have got to get out. I need to find the right words to tell him though becasue he ALWAYS talks me out of it after I tell him I am leaving.

[DinNJ]

Follow your heart. Don't look back. Easier said then done, I'm sure.... but you're only kidding yourself in the long run by staying and being unhappy. That's not fair to you or him.

[MassiveAtom]

IT's about a convergence of heart AND Mind.

 

The problem is you are conflicted, because there are good things about this guy. Am I reading that right?

 

The guilt is a tempering factor, it shows you care, but the longer you wait, the worse it will get AND the harder it will be to part.

 

Don't go ballistic on him when your attorney starts egging you on to take him for all he's worth.

 

Just do it quick, Spare him the agony of being with you knowing you are leaving. That is torture.

 

The physical abuse means you MUST leave. Physical violence is never acceptable. NEVER. GET OUT.

 

Just do it right.

 

Part of me wants to say that because of the abuse, you SHOULD dull the blade as much as possible and destroy him so he can't even live! BUT, I'm better than vindictive. Keep your dignity while you part ways.

 

MA

[Mz. Pixie]

To the poster who wanted to know how to deal with the guilt of 13 years. I feel your pain. I'm in virtually the same situation. My husband was just indifferent, and a bit abusive because he was so selfish. He never put me or the kids first in all that time. This is what I've done to lessen that guilt.

 

I remember all the nights I cried myself to sleep because there was no one home but the kids to talk to, I remember when I was so lonely that I physically ACHED for someone to put their arms around me, I remember all those times I begged him to attend counseling, when I picked a interesting article we could benefit from in our marriage and left it for him to read and he threw it away, I remember all the times that he didn't have money to buy me a card or some flowers but had money to spend on himself, or when there was always time for the sex he so desperately wanted but never time to talk to me in a decent tone of voice.

 

NO ONE knows what went on in your marriage other than God, yourself and your husband really. Friends can know but it's not the same as being there. I tell myself that when someone is shocked about the divorce.

 

Abuse is just wrong and no one should live like that. Get out and experience what life is all about. You will be glad you did. Rediscover who you are.