"You need to have fun on your own" they say

[melell]

mmm this is all a bit dramatic. You don't need someone who off the bat loves what you like. They might end up loving it after the experience it. Same goes, don't judge someone because they don't like what you like, you might grow to love things they like.

 

Take your hobbies off your profile and instead put something like 'there are many things I like to do, and many things I would like to try'.

 

Let people get the chance to know you first.

 

I would likely read your profile and be like 'meh, another guy that likes to drag race', I've never tried it though, it would be a hasty judgment. Don't give people the opportunity to do that.

 

It is like any initial interaction, you gauge the tone, the common interests etc, and talk about things both of you can relate to. Other things come after that first connection.

 

This is like a girl obsessed with makeup expecting a guy to also be into makeup and want to spend his time discussing it with her. and then going 'there are no guys that like what I like I am doomed forever'.

 

I am not sure what your past experiences are in the dating world? But the things you are complaining about here kind of come with the territory...

[MrTurk]

mmm this is all a bit dramatic. You don't need someone who off the bat loves what you like. They might end up loving it after the experience it. Same goes, don't judge someone because they don't like what you like, you might grow to love things they like.

 

Take your hobbies off your profile and instead put something like 'there are many things I like to do, and many things I would like to try'.

 

Let people get the chance to know you first.

 

I would likely read your profile and be like 'meh, another guy that likes to drag race',

 

Thats why I'm smart enough to not list any car related activities on my profile. Because I know how many women out there will blackball me without me even getting a chance to open my mouth.

 

From what I can gather......the women in this area dont have any hobbies except drinking & reality TV.

 

If you dont drink.....you can pretty much forget about fitting in with the single women around here.

 

I know a guy that in my opinion drinks a lot......and the past 3 women that hes gone on dates with, HE complained about how much the women drank, and how crazy they got when out somewhere.

Edited February 18, 2014 by MrTurk

[MissBee]

I like going for bike rides, going to museums, going to car shows, sitting at a coffee shop doing nothing, etc, etc.....

 

BUT....I do not like doing things alone. Yet women keep telling me "You need to be happy alone before you can find a date to be happy with. That advice just doesnt make sense to me. If I met a woman, and we both were into bike riding, I'd go buy a bike and would love to go with her all the time. But being single, why do people think I need to go do that without a woman?

 

I understand the whole be happy with yourself first situation. But I am just the type of person that does better with a partner. The same as many people like to have someone with them when they workout.

 

Huh? It is precisely because you are single why people think you should do it without a woman. You don't have a woman to do it with, so you have to make do.

 

I get being more of a relationship person and that lots of things are better when done with someone else, I totally get that. But I think the advice is more the idea that if you're waiting to enjoy your life until you find a partner, then you will miss out on a lot or that stance may also make you less attractive. It's great to be a couple but also lots of perks to being single, yet some people view being single as a punishment/holding place and act like having fun and enjoying life only happens when coupled, which is false.

 

There are lots I'd prefer to do with a partner, but when I don't have one I'm not gonna lament about it and not do what I want to do. I'm gonna still enjoy the things I enjoy and when a man comes along he can be the icing on the cake and share the experience. I think that's what the advice is about.

[MrTurk]

Huh? It is precisely because you are single why people think you should do it without a woman. You don't have a woman to do it with, so you have to make do.

 

I get being more of a relationship person and that lots of things are better when done with someone else, I totally get that. But I think the advice is more the idea that if you're waiting to enjoy your life until you find a partner, then you will miss out on a lot or that stance may also make you less attractive. It's great to be a couple but also lots of perks to being single, yet some people view being single as a punishment/holding place and act like having fun and enjoying life only happens when coupled, which is false.

 

There are lots I'd prefer to do with a partner, but when I don't have one I'm not gonna lament about it and not do what I want to do. I'm gonna still enjoy the things I enjoy and when a man comes along he can be the icing on the cake and share the experience. I think that's what the advice is about.

 

I do what I like to do already. I just dont feel like doing certain activities like biking, hiking, museums, or movies alone. I'm not missing out on anything by not doing it.

 

I just dont get why women think less of a guy because hes not doing it alone?

[almond]

I just dont get why women think less of a guy because hes not doing it alone?

 

No one thinks you're "less of a guy" for not doing it alone, but not participating in certain activities that you genuinely enjoy because you do not have a woman to do them with you can be off-putting.

 

It's most likely your lack of a social network that deters potential partners. In my opinion, you are seriously underestimating the value of friendship, and display a relatively extreme lack of interest in platonic relationships. Different strokes for different folks though, but I believe that good friendships are incredibly beneficial in countless ways.

 

You can bike ride with male friends. You can catch up and do other things. I do not understand why it has to be a partner? If you don't have any friends, you can join a club...plenty of people hike and ride, and are more than happy for newbies to tag along. That is, if you want to socialise. If you genuinely do not want to at all, then so be it, but there are consequences to this in the dating world...

 

A man without any friends is a red flag for me. I don't judge, but being social is a huge part of many people's lives. It's a big factor in compatibility, and many women may deem you as not suitable based on this alone.

[MissBee]

No one thinks you're "less of a guy" for not doing it alone, but not participating in certain activities that you genuinely enjoy because you do not have a woman to do them with you can be off-putting.

 

It's most likely your lack of a social network that deters potential partners. In my opinion, you are seriously underestimating the value of friendship, and display a relatively extreme lack of interest in platonic relationships. Different strokes for different folks though, but I believe that good friendships are incredibly beneficial in countless ways.

 

You can bike ride with male friends. You can catch up and do other things. I do not understand why it has to be a partner? If you don't have any friends, you can join a club...plenty of people hike and ride, and are more than happy for newbies to tag along. That is, if you want to socialise. If you genuinely do not want to at all, then so be it, but there are consequences to this in the dating world...

 

A man without any friends is a red flag for me. I don't judge, but being social is a huge part of many people's lives. It's a big factor in compatibility, and many women may deem you as not suitable based on this alone.

 

Pretty much.

 

As romantic as it sounds, I don't want to be a man's entire world. I am only attracted to men who seem to love life and who have friends, a career, interests and activities in which they participated before I came along.

[Shepp]

Look, the core of it is you don't have to do anything, you don't have to do something because some women on some dating site said, you don't have to do something because I said, all you have to do is match up the way you play your game with the result you want in the way you feel best - its basically sports management.

But if your tactics aren't getting you the result you want...then, well that's your call.

 

I have never met a woman where I live that gives a f*ck about drag racing or cars. A woman sure as hell isnt going to want to listen to me talk about how much I enjoy racing when we first meet.

That wasn't what I meant, exactly.

There's things that both me and the girlfriend happen to enjoy but equally enjoys all these highbrow books - I don't get them, I don't get the appeal of them, I'm never gonna share her interest...but I love how passionate she is about books & the English language, I love the way her eyes light up like a little kid when she's talking about the depth of some quote - maybe I don't get it, but I get how she feels, because its how I feel when I step out on the football pitch!

You can understand watch other better, not just by having a shared interest but by sharing passion in your individual interests.

Granted is talking about the technical aspects of drag racing or how your gonna line up on a first date winning material - no, but if you can how you have fun on your own then people know that there'll have fun with you too.

 

I don't quite understand where the emphasis on cars and bikes is coming from, it doesn't have to be stuff like that, it can be anything - you say you go on trips and to the desert and whatever else and if that's the case, its no one elses business if you go bike riding but yours! If you genuinely want to be doing that then don't let time slip through your fingers - go for it yourself, or get a cycling buddy and go for it with him, whatever - but that's your choice.

 

 

But my answer to your question will always be: don't wait for "tomorrow" to start living, or your wait your whole life!

[MrTurk]

Look, the core of it is you don't have to do anything, you don't have to do something because some women on some dating site said, you don't have to do something because I said, all you have to do is match up the way you play your game with the result you want in the way you feel best - its basically sports management.

But if your tactics aren't getting you the result you want...then, well that's your call.

 

 

That wasn't what I meant, exactly.

There's things that both me and the girlfriend happen to enjoy but equally enjoys all these highbrow books - I don't get them, I don't get the appeal of them, I'm never gonna share her interest...but I love how passionate she is about books & the English language, I love the way her eyes light up like a little kid when she's talking about the depth of some quote - maybe I don't get it, but I get how she feels, because its how I feel when I step out on the football pitch!

You can understand watch other better, not just by having a shared interest but by sharing passion in your individual interests.

Granted is talking about the technical aspects of drag racing or how your gonna line up on a first date winning material - no, but if you can how you have fun on your own then people know that there'll have fun with you too.

 

I don't quite understand where the emphasis on cars and bikes is coming from, it doesn't have to be stuff like that, it can be anything - you say you go on trips and to the desert and whatever else and if that's the case, its no one elses business if you go bike riding but yours! If you genuinely want to be doing that then don't let time slip through your fingers - go for it yourself, or get a cycling buddy and go for it with him, whatever - but that's your choice.

 

 

But my answer to your question will always be: don't wait for "tomorrow" to start living, or your wait your whole life!

 

That was totally agonizing trying to piece together your fragmented sentences, have your girlfriend proofread the above message that you sent me, and see what she thinks about it.

[Shepp]

That was totally agonizing trying to piece together your fragmented sentences, have your girlfriend proofread the above message that you sent me, and see what she thinks about it.

 

Touchy, eh?

[hasaquestion]

No one thinks you're "less of a guy" for not doing it alone, but not participating in certain activities that you genuinely enjoy because you do not have a woman to do them with you can be off-putting.

 

It's most likely your lack of a social network that deters potential partners. In my opinion, you are seriously underestimating the value of friendship, and display a relatively extreme lack of interest in platonic relationships. Different strokes for different folks though, but I believe that good friendships are incredibly beneficial in countless ways.

 

You can bike ride with male friends. You can catch up and do other things. I do not understand why it has to be a partner? If you don't have any friends, you can join a club...plenty of people hike and ride, and are more than happy for newbies to tag along. That is, if you want to socialise. If you genuinely do not want to at all, then so be it, but there are consequences to this in the dating world...

 

A man without any friends is a red flag for me. I don't judge, but being social is a huge part of many people's lives. It's a big factor in compatibility, and many women may deem you as not suitable based on this alone.

 

This is all very true. It seems to me that the single biggest turn off that a guy can possess is lack of friends. More so than anything else.

[HeavenOrHell]

I think s/he means the main thing he is doing stuff at home alone, learning to do things alone at home, doesn't matter what it is, the important thing is getting used to his own company.

 

 

 

Enlighten me?

[carhill]

I understand the whole be happy with yourself first situation.

OK, so when you're wrenching on the race car, is there a smile on your face? Do the hours just blow by? If you do understand this, reveling in something you love should be self-evident

But I am just the type of person that does better with a partner.

That's generally 'normal'. Humans are social creatures and most of us enjoy 'doing better' with a partner. That partner can be a racing buddy. It can be a valued dog. It can be one's wife or girlfriend. Etc, etc. Options for social 'partnering' abound.

The same as many people like to have someone with them when they workout.

Some people do. Some people don't. We're all different. Myself, I enjoy people but also enjoy being alone. During the 20 or so years I raced, the vast majority of the time spent working on the car was done alone and was immensely satisfying. Time at the track was a social event. I was focused on competition so didn't really pay attention to the women. I doubt they lacked for attention, though.

 

You'll find your path. Just keep trying different things and see what sticks. Want to go to Death Valley? Put your bike on the roof and go. I've done desert endurance cycling and it was a blast, or perhaps it rendered me psychotic. Can't remember which. Watch out for the dehydration thing. Man that's a killer. When we did that kind of stuff, it was generally a buddy system thing. I usually rode with the club, except when I went off on my own to bicycle camp on the trails.

 

Things always seem more magnified when young. After you get older, what you can remember usually becomes the butt of jokes. Life can be like that. Maybe a lady you can grow old with is in your future; maybe not. No sense in fretting about it. Less time to enjoy life!

[HeavenOrHell]

My perspective; I am struggling living alone after an 18yr r/ship, it ended 5 years ago this summer, the reason I still struggle with it is because I don't like living alone, I loved living with my (ex) partner, I miss the companionship and everything a loving r/ship brings.

Ironically, he left in the end as I was so caught up in my own life, work, friends, that I neglected him big time. I didn't realise how reliant I was on him, we were co dependent for many years.

I am in a LDR now, which is for the best as I am working on trying to find ways to adapt to living alone, I wouldn't live with someone, or even have a local r/ship until I know I am standing quite firmly on my own two feet.

The irony is being alone makes me angry and screwed up, so it's hard to work on myself while I feel like that.

I have bitterness to deal with, partly as my ex is happy and about to get married to an old friend of mine, I am bitter inside as I feel I am the one being forced to make myself be happy alone, it's me who has to try and be happy being alone 95% of the time even though I'm very depressed because of it. I have good friends but they're often busy, I feel so much happier when they have time to meet up, it makes so much difference to me.

I know so many people who say they couldn't live without their partner, which is quite worrying, I think many people would fall apart if they left them or died.

It makes sense to learn how be happy, or at least at ease with, being alone most of the time, but I feel like it's natural to be unhappy if we're alone most of the time, we accept that dogs howl when they're left alone, many animals pine if they're alone, even pet birds in cages, but I feel that's accepted, but if a human says they're lonely it sounds pathetic. I feel horribly ashamed if I admit to anyone I feel lonely.

So yeah, it's accepted that dogs hate being on their own, but if a human does then we need to learn this big lesson about being happy alone.

Constant struggle for me. I somehow need to be as happy as I can be in my own company, but also make sure I'm sociable too as I can tend to hide away.

But also feeling like this doesn't mean I'd be with just anyone just so as not to be lonely, I know people who do this and it wouldn't work for me, I would far rather be alone.