How to rebuild my marriage? (I am a MM and had an affair...)

[very_sorry]

Hi, just want to let you know that I made an appointment with a counsellor and I’m going to start IC next week. Even though I knew my wife would be upset with it I told her because I don’t want any lies between us and I thought she should know about it. She didn’t like it but just told me “do whatever you think it’s best for you, but don’t expect me to go with you ever”. I told her I won’t talk about what happened anymore but when she decides to tell me anything, anytime, I would be there for her. She just told me “don’t worry, that’s not gonna happen”.

 

I don’t know if I’m doing the right thing or if I’m doing enough. I realize the big mistake – or whatever other name you prefer to call it – I did and how incredibly stupid I was in risking my marriage and everything I had for nothing. I was reading other posts and everybody says that after an affair nothing is ever the same and I hope that counselling will help me to deal with that. Maybe I was too unrealistic expecting to be the number one in my wife's life. I wasn’t before and of course I won’t ever be after what I did. I hope IC can fix my "neediness" as well.

 

Thanks, I'll keep you informed.

[whichwayisup]

VS, good to hear that you are going for yourself. It is just a shame your wife isn't ready...Or may not ever be ready. Sooner or later though SHE has to decide if the marriage is worth fighting for!! It can't go on like it is now -It will self destruct. I'm sorry, you may not want to hear that but it is the truth. If she isn't willing on fixing or working it out, it won't be workedout , no matter HOW hard YOU work on it.

 

You may just have to accept that you aren't #1 in her life. That is quite unfair and not nice. Marriage, or any relationship, the other person HAS to be number 1. Yes, work sometimes gets in the way, but the first priority should be on your partner.

 

I commend you for hanging in, and I do hope someday when/if she is ready she will come to you and talk. I guess right now until she feels she can handle it, you concentrate on your emotions and bettering yourself. Don't give up on her either. You love her with all your heart - THEN don't throw in the towel. Just acceptance may be the answer right now. (Sorry if I am repeating myself, not quite awake yet! lol)

 

She does love you, don't ever doubt that...Just right now she may not like you much. Make sense? I agree with some of what nap said...Work your buns off to her and show her not only in words but actions she can trust you again. I'm sure it's a slow process but one day she will come around...Have enough love for the both of you..yes that is alot of weight on your shoulders but it will be worth it in the end.

 

Wish ya the best and keep on posting!!

[Ladyjane14]

I'm glad to hear that you've set up IC for yourself. I really do believe you'll feel alot better once you're talking with somebody and addressing the situation. Your wife's not ready, but that doesn't mean that this isn't something that you NEED to do for yourself. Good for you!

 

Originally posted by very_sorry

Maybe I was too unrealistic expecting to be the number one in my wife's life. I wasn’t before and of course I won’t ever be after what I did. I hope IC can fix my "neediness" as well.

 

It's not unrealistic to expect our mates to prioritize us highly. However, number one, every minute of every day? I think that might be a bit difficult to sustain given the demands of everyday life.

 

In the end perception becomes the truth anyway. She may very well have prioritized you highly, and either she couldn't show it....or you couldn't feel it. Either way, you would have felt under-prioritized.

 

By taking this positive step and going into IC, you'll be able to determine if the extent of your "neediness", and answer the question of is it valid or not.

 

I think you'll also feel more in control. It's probably pretty scary to realize that you're capable of making decisions that are so contrary to what your true goals are.

[SoleMate]

This is indeed a very sad story. Your wife is deeply hurt and angry. She trusted you before, and you have NOT made proper amends so she can truly love and trust you again. You have some major work to do. Surf on over to <URL removed> and learn how to start meeting her needs.

 

Right now, being married to you is an ongoing kick in the teeth to your wife. It's clear she is harboring a huge wad of pain and resentment. I understand her behavior, because it is the way I would react myself if I had been cheated on by a man that I adored.

 

Get busy. Be a BETTER husband. Follow Dr. Harley's instructions to the letter. You can repair this, but you will have to throw your (emotional) back into it. I am questioning whether you are truly able.

[Owl]

Just wanted to comment that I think WWIU's advice is on the money. Your wife isn't ready to heal yet...and you do need to recognize the possibility that she may not ever be ready to heal.

 

I really think that you need to think about this...what are you going to do if she never recovers from the affair? It's a possibility...not a nice one, but it's there. Reading her responses, it sounds to me like she's not the least bit willing to work with you to get over what happened. If that's the case, I can't imagine how you're marriage stands a chance if she doesn't make some changes.

 

She said "the one thing I want, you can't give...that it never happened"...well, I can understand how she feels, but if she's as smart and practical as you describe, she's going to have to come the realization that at some point she's going to have to settle for less. There's no other way.

 

It takes WORK to recover from an affair...it doesn't just happen on its own one night while you're sleeping. It was rather the opposite in my case...when the affair was found out, my wife wasn't willing to do her part to work on our marriage, although I was willing to. Our first counselor told her in some pretty harsh terms that there was no way our relationship could EVER get better if she didn't put effort into it herself. It took a few months for her to catch on...but once she did, the results were awesome. If she doesn't start working on your marriage, then you'll be faced with some tough choices.

 

One other thought just occurred to me...have you tried taking the opposite tack? Instead of worrying so hard about repairing the marriage, and worrying about your wife's needs and recovery...start distancing yourself a little while you work on your own issues and needs. Sometimes people need that "shock" of distance to make them realize that they can't keep being so selfish, or the other person may move on without them.

 

Regardless...good luck!