Sexless marriage, wish I'd left earlier...

[P51Geo1980]

I’m not posting this for any advice whatsoever, I just need a forum in which to vent. My wife and I have been married for almost seven years and together for eleven. Looking back, I can genuinely say that this relationship has been rocky from the beginning, although being 22 and insecure at the time we got together I didn’t really see it. I continued to be quite insecure until I hit 30 (more on what changed later on). Our relationship was long-distance from the beginning until a few months before we got married, but we saw each other at least every other month. Usually I would fly out to see her and although she was an adult she never once flew out to see me (another red flag I guess).

 

While we lived long-distance our relationship was ok. We didn’t fight too often but we also didn’t really talk about much either. When we’d see each other things were also ok, not great though. I’d stay at her parents’ house with her and they wouldn’t let us share the same room (no big deal, it’s their house, so their rules). The thing that bothered me was that on the few occasions that I’d rent a hotel room near her, she wouldn’t spend the night with me. She’d have to run home (keep in mind; she was between the ages of 22 – 26).

 

We never have, and still don’t, have much in common. I prefer doing outdoor activities, reading, and going out to pubs once in a while. She prefers staying at home, watching TV and shopping. I used to go shopping with her and watch TV with her quite often – she rarely indulged me in partaking in any of the activities I enjoyed. When I tried to get her to think up of activities we could do together, her only response was “I don’t know.” So here were my options: if I wanted to spend time with her I’d have to stay home and watch TV or go shopping and if I wanted to engage in something I enjoyed, I’d have to do it by myself.

 

Even though I saw all these red flags, I stayed with her. As I said, I was very insecure about myself – I don’t have a great body, I’m short, and average looking. I also graduated college with a degree I hated and began a career in a field I hated. I didn’t have much self-worth back then, obviously. So we got engaged and up pops another red flag. I flew out to surprise her and when she asks what I’m doing there (this was surprise, not like “wtf are you doing here?!?”) her mom blurted out that I was there to propose – I was devastated. I had planned an entire evening for us and it was ruined by her mother. She asked if it was true and I just mumbled yes. I let her pick out the engagement ring, but gave her a budget which she pretty much ignored.

 

The rest of the day I was quite – I was really upset about what had happened earlier with her mother. That night we didn’t get any alone time because she told all her friends and they wanted to take us out – her mother in tow, of course. When we finally got some alone time, she asked why I was acting so down so I told her I was upset about what her mother did. She told me that I should have stopped her, but honestly who the hell expects someone to do that. I told her that I had been planning something really nice and that it was ruined and that I could never have that moment back – she told me I could still follow through with those plans. I told her I didn’t want to because it wouldn’t be the same. At this she got mad at ME, not her mom…she got mad at ME. Another red flag…

We had a long engagement (2ish years) and it was fine. We had a medium-sized wedding and a nice honey moon. Things were ok in our marriage for about the first six months, but then we just started butting heads all the time. I had no problem doing things for her but she had many issues with doing things for me. When we got married, I told her that I only wanted a few things from her: affection and intimacy. After about six months, these went away and we just started fighting all the time. I felt like I couldn’t do anything – I was stuck in a job I hated and in a marriage in which I was unhappy – I always thought marriage was a two-way street. You give to your partner and your partner gives to you. Apparently, I was wrong. Whenever I’d try to talk about my issues my wife’s only response was “no I don’t do that,” “I’m sorry,” or “yeah but you.” Her “yeah but you” was always very weak and she’d bring up one thing I didn’t do for her a month ago or whatever.

 

Our sex life before marriage was pretty good. She was a virgin and wanted to wait until she was married (in my book and with my hindsight this was a HUGE red flag). We would fool around quite often whenever we were together and at least a third of the time it was her initiating it. I got plenty of oral and plenty of manual pleasure so I didn’t really miss intercourse. I reciprocated enthusiastically and there wasn’t one time that we were together when she didn’t have at least one orgasm. She was an animal and seemed unquenchable.

 

On our honeymoon, we had sex maybe once every two days (another red flag) and she spent quite a bit of time on the phone with her mom. I didn’t really mind, she’d never flown out of the country before, let alone traveled with someone other than her family. The rest of the honeymoon was ok. Our honeymoon was in Tahiti and I spent a lot of time snorkeling (by myself because she can’t swim and is afraid of the ocean). I can genuinely say that we never had a sexual honeymoon. When we came back from our honeymoon we settled into a routine of only weekend sex and it was only once a night. It always felt rushed. As soon as we were done, there was no cuddling – she’d run to the bathroom, clean herself up, put on her pajamas and go to sleep. To this day I’ve never had sex with her more than once in a day and only at night. We’ve never had sex in the morning. We’ve never spent a weekend in bed going at it like rabbits. The sex is always vanilla - only two positions, no oral, only a little manual stimulation and she basically just lays there, although she does seem to enjoy it when we have it. Thing slowly died…we went from twice a week, to once every two weeks, to once a month, to once every two months and our longest stretch without sex was 10 months.

 

Not only were we sexless, there was zero affection from her. I’d try to hug her and she would just stand there. I tried kissing her and it was not returned. I helped around the house…nothing (I don’t buy the more help from guys = more sex and my wife is why). I became a jerk and cold towards her. I still to this day harbor so much resentment towards her. I finally brought up marriage counseling to her and her response was “I’m not cookoo.” I thought her birth control pill had something to do with her change in libido, but she refused and still refuses to address this with a doctor. According to her, everything is ok. I’ve never asked, but she makes it quite obvious that she’s ok with a sexless marriage.

 

Now, back to what happened when I was 30. So I had been stuck in a really crappy job for about four and a half years. One morning I just looked at myself in the mirror and realized that I was miserable with the path my life was taking. I couldn’t work 50 – 60 hours per week the rest of my life. Medicine had always been my one true love and after much thought I decided to go back to school and pursue a career in nursing. I talked this over with my wife, who surprisingly was very supportive. I spent the next six months saving up enough money for us to live on and supplement her income while I was in school. I quit my job in August and went back to school that September. I began nursing school two years later and am graduating this may, with honors.

 

You don’t know how incredibly empowering it feels to take control of your life after feeling like you wasted it for so many years! I was so happy! My wife was happy too – but nothing changed on the sexual or affection front. I was still given the cold shoulder whenever I tried. I thought things would change because I would see her more often, but things got worse! She became more critical of me and complained more. Even when I got a part time job (making more than she does and affording us benefits) things didn’t change. I tried talking to her about it and her only response has been “you’ve changed since you quit your job.” She doesn’t elaborate, no matter how hard I try to get her to, so I’m left with the assumption that this isn’t the real reason.

 

Finally a year and a half ago I’d had enough. While on vacation in Hawaii I took her for a long hike and explained to her exactly how I feel. How angry, disappointed, and resentful I feel. How I feel like I wasted so much time being in a relationship with someone who obviously doesn’t care about me, how I feel, or my needs at all. She didn’t have much to say, tried blaming me for everything but when pressed couldn’t come up with anything I’d done that would have made our relationship this way. She apologized and said she would change. She has never once in our marriage ever initiated sex.

Things did change – when we got back home we had sex about once a week but it was still the vanilla starfish variety. I told her I wanted to bring some excitement into the bedroom and try out some toys or anything like that – she would have none of it. Sex for her was satisfying the way it was. I was left unsatisfied more often than not (I would orgasm but it was just…boring). After about six months of this, things again started to slow down…back to once every two weeks, once a month, once every two months. I talked to her about it and she kept promising things would change. They never did. Whenever I’d try to initiate it or take her to the bedroom with me, I’d get one of three responses: “no,” “not tonight, but we can tomorrow,” or “are you kidding me?” Tomorrow never came – whenever tomorrow came she would come to bed late or if I was still away she’d say “oh I forgot, you wanted to have sex.” The “are you kidding me” sliced me like a razor blade and it was often said while watching some ETV show – so there you have it, TV = more important than me.

 

About a year ago I emailed her a letter detailing how I felt, what I needed from her, and what would happen if things didn’t change (I’d leave when nursing school was done). I gave her a lot of time to think about it and decide what she wanted to do. I left the ball in her court. She skimmed the letter and I don’t think she’s ever fully read it because things haven’t changed. I occasionally reminded her that I felt hollow inside, but it fell on dead ears.

 

This past September I decided that I’m done – I pretty much checked out of my marriage. She finally decided that she wanted to work on things and wanted to have sex with me – we’ve had it once since then…in October. It did not feel the same – it felt like a chore for me. I did not get any pleasure or intimacy out of it. I think this solidified even more in my mind that I was done with the marriage. She knows things are over, but now is when she decides to want to work on them. I have no desire to fix this anymore – after 6.5 long years of marriage and trying to fix things, I have nothing left to give anymore. I am hollow inside and full of resentment towards her, sometimes I think about living the rest of my life with her and I just can’t breathe.

 

I married her because I love her. I wanted to spend my life with her, making love often and having fun together. I wanted her to be the mother of my children. All I ever asked for in return was to be wanted! This isn’t something that I think is difficult – if you love someone shouldn’t you want them? Not once in our marriage did she ever initiate sex, affection, or physical contact. I feel like I’ve been taken for a bait-and-switch. I feel like I have no one to blame by myself – if I hadn’t been so insecure I never would have married her. I would have been ok being single until I found someone who truly loves me and wants me.

 

I’m thrilled to be graduating and starting my career soon – I love nursing and medicine, it’s what I was meant to do. It gives me great joy. I can’t wait until I start my career – I’ll be doing what I’m called to do in life. I also can’t wait because I’ll finally be able to divorce her (right now I don’t have the time or financial capability of doing it). I’m very sad that this is how things turned out. I’m going at it alone – my family is very Catholic and will not accept my divorce. I’m not willing to tell them about the issues in my marriage because it’s very emasculating and embarrassing. The only person I’ve told is my brother – he’s supportive at least but we’ve never been very close. I just wish I could build a time machine and go back to the moment I met her and just keep going on with my life. I think I would have been much happier than I am now (I cry myself to sleep quite often). I’m incredibly lonely – counseling will be sought when I have the time to go this summer. My self-worth is shot again – if my wife doesn’t want me, who would?

 

Like I said in the beginning, I’m not here for advice (if you want to give it, feel free to)…I just needed a place to vent my anger, frustration, and disappointment.

I know Reddit's first inclination is to assume cheating - this is not happening in this case. My wife is a home body. She doesn't have any friends and never goes out. Phone records are clean and her computer is clean. I'm home almost every day after class, clinicals, or work and she is at work during the day (only female coworkers - she's a preschool teacher in a small private school). Don't go there, you'll be ignored by me.

 

 

I am divorcing her once nursing school is done. I'm to young to live like this the rest of my life.

[newmoon]

what a well-written 'story'. congrats on finishing nursing school and hopefully it will be the start of a brand new chapter for you. there is no reason to remain unhappy if you have the ability to fix it, which you obviously do. good luck.

[Ninjainpajamas]

Sounds like she was never really deeply emotionally involved and connected to this relationship, and I think over time that is only revealed more and more.

 

When you love somebody things come easy or at least a hell of a lot easier because you're not feeling like you're forcing yourself to do something because you have the desire to make that other person happy, that provides it's own desire and motivation to make your partner feel loved, happy and ultimately satisfied.

 

I think that's the disconnect you are seeing, you're in love with the girl, and she's just kind of settling for this relationship and due to limited relationship experience it doesn't seem that she has any other perceptions, experiences or understanding of what a relationship should be or otherwise how she should feel to relate to it. And I can just about guarantee you that nothing you will say will have an impact or give you that validation you need to feel completely justified, that's why it's taken you so long to read the writing on the wall...it's akin to how guys string women along, they don't tell her exactly how they feel, what they want or are looking for because the truth would start the ball rolling on her realizing what is going on and that she needs to move on...by him being vague and avoiding his emotions and confirming her feelings, she gets to stay in this little grey zone of not knowing for SURE what is going to happening or is really happening down the road...so like you, she HOPES that he will finally see the light, and things will go back to the way it was before when he was into that new romance fresh smell and having to lock it down first.

 

I've met a lot of people in my life who just really determine the quality of a relationship just by determining how tolerable or negative it is, if it's not THAT bad, then it's at least easier or better than having to search and find somebody else, because who knows what else is out there, and they might have had a hard enough time finding someone to just even get to this point in the first place (marriage/relationships), a lot of people out there don't even really have a choice or options, so it's easier to just let another person love you because everyone wants to feel loved, so you just let them, even when it's not "ideal".

 

There is ultimately not a "standard", awareness or reasoning of what LOVE and married life should be or feel like for many people out there, especially when you just see so many casual like marriages who seem more together out of partnerships than love, kind of numb and nonchalant and acting like it's "normal" to have these kinds of problems and issues that I guess seem to them make it "ok" to have, I guess is the idea. So you'll get like this reassuring and plastic advice on what to do that won't really yield you any results. And everyone you'll talk to that is married should pretty much automatically tell you that these are simply "ups and downs" to get through (after all they can't tell you to just leave, it breaks the code, it's taboo) and trust me, most if not all had these issues or have these issues currently themselves...so you may be surprised that they pretty much take it like it's "normal" thing to hear, I bet you'd hardly get much more than a blink of an eye if you told them rather than sheer shock...read this forum, "good marriages" are basically held up comparatively against the horrible ones, that seems to be the scale of determined what is "good", happy or successful, you just simply compare your marriage to "what out there" or what Bob across the street is dealing you and that should make you feel so much better!

 

But a lot of guys get hit the stick you were clubbed over the head with, and that's the fact that many women out there are looking for marriage...not because they're necessarily enamored with that man, that's why they accept your "faults" because if he's got a job, a career, degree and is motivated and can provide trust, stability and support...you'd be surprised the bending some women will do without the other things, for them it's not the ultimate goal to have this sex filled and loving relationship in practice, it's more in theory...it's like facebook, you have an amazing life you can show off to impress others and cause any jealousy among those who do not.

 

Because it's an accomplishment in life and society to be married for women, it means you are "valued" and desired by someone and they can show that to the world, so if a woman is insecure and lonely it is by far better to be in a relationship or married than it is being alone. Everybody fears and is worried about finding someone else, that fear of having to "start over", finding someone new, etc..so a lot fears and unknown as well as children and finances plays a large part of couples together in the end.

 

That's why you see a lot of people cheat, they find someone else out of a stale marriage that had its love ship sail long ago...they find someone else "magically" and unplanned/unprepared and then it's like this realization that they "deserve better" and can have something more, and then they find themselves eventually dealing with similar crap they left their SO for in the first place, like if it all no matter what seems to fall within some natural spectrum...and you're either happy and accepting of that or you're not, and of course....remember, it might not have been "AS BAD" as your last marriage. Additionally if you've been through hell in your past, dealing with average is a blessing..you no longer have the bar set so high, you're more content and satisfied with what you have now and cherish the things in the past you had to deal with that you don't have to anymore.

 

So even if she doesn't love you like that, and you are right about everything you are saying and for the most part not "in love" with you, she's not going to listen or confirm that until after the relationship, because right now it's fight-mode...she will still by the graces of human nature and auto-pilot, still try and fight to save it, save what? what substance is she saving? it doesn't matter, it is just is that way, it's the "marriage", you're supposed to fight for it regardless of the quality or what it actually feels like, especially when now she takes you seriously...so now she's going to fight automatically but she won't have the will or self-motivation to do what it takes...it's like trying to do something for somebody else instead of yourself, it just doesn't work or stick forever...YOU have to want it. Or that other person has to simply accept the situation for what it is.

 

It's great you got yourself a career you love, that is what you got out of your marriage and a hard lesson learned in love but don't look for any validation or confirmation from her end, she is likely going to be too busy dealing with the emotions and self-pity, feeling sorry for herself and what you're putting them through, expect her to play the victim and guilt you about your decision and use your emotions for her against you to make you stay, because even if you were a great guy/husband, there's always ammunition, always.

 

Good luck in your future, do your best to try and live life to make you happy and because of the neglect and negativity in your last marriage don't let yourself fall into another trap...because the next girl that you meet that you're having all these amazing feelings and experiences for again suddenly is going to be a strong narcotic and you might once again get way ahead of yourself without taking your time and reading the writing on the wall.

 

You're going to fine, there's a hell of a lot of women in your line of work, get yourself to the gym, buy yourself some clothes, take a trip or vacation...the possibilities to be happy are now endless, stay single for a while..like most long-term relationship it's going to be tough and emotionally draining and you'll have your doubts, adjustments and weak moments but you'll get through it, then realize that there's now a lot of wonderful women you can date out there that aren't going to be selfish and take you granted and give you the emotional/intimate attention you need and that depends on how emotionally available you are as well, don't let your hangups with this past continue to ruin your life, you've got to feel it through, accept it, forgive her and move on...don't hold the resentment it will just tear you down and make you bitter, because I can assure you for her, she doesn't have a clue or cares that much of what you're going through or have been through..we're men, your feelings are merely consequential, the price of admission and over-ruled often times by the women that will neglect you in a relationship/marriage, they're only concerned with themselves, they are priority...you get the leftovers, if there is any, which there usually isn't.

 

P.S

 

I would also strongly advise getting married again, but that's my 2 cents

[lucy_in_disguise]

It sounds like neither of you really knew what you wanted when you got married.

 

She was young and inexperienced, and it sounds like you married her primarily because it was convenient. You were insecure and didn't want to deal with looking for a more compatible partner.

 

If you don't have kids together, get a divorce and please spend some time figuring out what you want before you settle down with someone new.

 

If you do have kids... I think you owe it to the family to try MC. Based on your description of the marriage and your expectations, I would venture to guess that the way you are approaching your wife for sex isn't effective, and she is not experienced enough to know and be able to communicate what might work.

 

Women respond to passion, desire, a hint of aggression... simply stating you want to try something new is not likely to produce results. Do not ask, take.

[VeronicaRoss]

I love the fact you're 30 and starting a whole new life, you can definitely make up for lost time. In fact this is the age a lot of women who weren't ready to settle down are getting there. You'll have no trouble finding someone else.

 

Here's my unasked for advice: go see a counselor.

 

It's easy to figure out what was wrong with her, but you might want to figure out why you avoided emotional and sexual intimacy so long, that's not normal. Someone more in touch with the need for intimacy and closeness would have shot out of there quickly and probably never would have gotten that involved. My prediction is unless you own your part in staying in a distant relationship you'll find another women with a new way to avoid being close.

 

Good luck!

[thinkingofhim]

I think you need to think about some things, BEFORE you start another relationship--

 

You seem to be blaming everything wrong in the relationship on your wife. Now. I agree that its inexcusable for her to deny you sex for so long.. But you can't expect to find a healthy relationship with this attitude.

 

1- You can't blame her for her mom ruining your surprises, etc. People are going to come with inconvenient family members that irritate you. You are going to have to deal with that. I'm sure no one gets along with their SO's family all of the time.

 

2- You can't blame her for not wanting to join you in your activities when you knew from the beginning she didn't like them. It's OK for people to have separate hobbies. If you're dating someone that you know does not enjoy the same things you do, you have to expect that they won't be coming along for all of your activities. Again.. this is not her fault, it's simply something you signed up for when you starting dating her and married her.

 

3- You can't blame her for not spending enough time with you on your honeymoon. If she can't swim and is afraid of the water why did you choose to go on a snorkeling trip that only you would enjoy? This is very selfish on your part.

 

4- You can't blame her for not wanting sex in the morning and not wanting sex more than once per day. Having sex every 2 days is by many people's standards quite a lot of sex. Her side of the story isn't here, so I don't know how you were treating her, but your complaints about never "going at it like rabbits" and only having sex every other day sound like you had unrealistic standards for your sex life. You must understand that you may have been a contributing factor to your declining sex life. If you were this dissatisfied with your sex life -- which many people would consider a healthy and vigorous sex life -- because you only had sex 3-4 times a week and never had it multiple times a day, how were you treating her because of it? Were you nagging, did you make unkind comments, did you pressure her, pout, withdraw from the relationship? Think about this. These are all reasons that could cause a woman to become less interested in sex and stop wanting it.

 

Overall, it sounds like you picked a woman that was NOT compatible and tried to force her into the mold of the woman you wanted. This isn't going to work. Ever. Blaming her for your failure to change her probably contributed significantly to the demise of your marriage. You can't continue blaming her for not being the wife you wanted when you didn't marry the wife you wanted in the first place.

 

I really think that before you move on to dating, you should talk to a counselor to help you process what happened and how it happened, because it wasn't all your wife's fault. You aren't blameless in the end of your marriage. You need to figure your own issues out if you want a better relationship.

 

Good luck

[LoveAtWork]

Good luck in your future, do your best to try and live life to make you happy and because of the neglect and negativity in your last marriage don't let yourself fall into another trap...because the next girl that you meet that you're having all these amazing feelings and experiences for again suddenly is going to be a strong narcotic and you might once again get way ahead of yourself without taking your time and reading the writing on the wall.

 

Personally, I most resonated with the above. Thanks OP for posting the story to garner such a great response.

[P51Geo1980]

It sounds like neither of you really knew what you wanted when you got married.

 

She was young and inexperienced, and it sounds like you married her primarily because it was convenient. You were insecure and didn't want to deal with looking for a more compatible partner.

 

Part of me did marry her because it was convenient, but I also did love her - still do, but not enough to want to work on this marriage anymore. At a certain point, I need to realize that it's a lost cause and move on.

 

If you don't have kids together, get a divorce and please spend some time figuring out what you want before you settle down with someone new.

 

If you do have kids... I think you owe it to the family to try MC. Based on your description of the marriage and your expectations, I would venture to guess that the way you are approaching your wife for sex isn't effective, and she is not experienced enough to know and be able to communicate what might work.

 

No kids, thankfully. If we did have kids, it still wouldn't change my mind, we would owe it to them to see two happy and divorced parents instead of two miserable married parents.

 

Women respond to passion, desire, a hint of aggression... simply stating you want to try something new is not likely to produce results. Do not ask, take.

I tried this a couple of times. She just pushed me away and made it feel like I was doing something she was not comfortable with. I've tried passion - it doesn't really work well when it's not returned. The last time we had sex in October, it was like I was having sex with a vanilla starfish. I could almost feel her wanting it to be over from the start.

I wish her nothing but the best. I really do hope she can find someone quickly after we divorce and that he can do for her what I obviously can't.

[P51Geo1980]

I think you need to think about some things, BEFORE you start another relationship--

 

You seem to be blaming everything wrong in the relationship on your wife. Now. I agree that its inexcusable for her to deny you sex for so long.. But you can't expect to find a healthy relationship with this attitude.

 

1- You can't blame her for her mom ruining your surprises, etc. People are going to come with inconvenient family members that irritate you. You are going to have to deal with that. I'm sure no one gets along with their SO's family all of the time.

 

No, but I can blame her for not being angry at her mother and shifting the focus of the anger to me.

 

2- You can't blame her for not wanting to join you in your activities when you knew from the beginning she didn't like them. It's OK for people to have separate hobbies. If you're dating someone that you know does not enjoy the same things you do, you have to expect that they won't be coming along for all of your activities. Again.. this is not her fault, it's simply something you signed up for when you starting dating her and married her.

 

I can certainly blame her for NOT TRYING. The thing is, she expected me to do those things she liked with her while not reciprocating. Do you see the problem there?

 

3- You can't blame her for not spending enough time with you on your honeymoon. If she can't swim and is afraid of the water why did you choose to go on a snorkeling trip that only you would enjoy? This is very selfish on your part.

 

I most certainly can blame her for this. IT'S OUR HONEYMOON, not spend-the-time-on-the-phone-with-your-mom time. You don't have to know how to swim to be able to snorkel with a life vest on. She's the one that wanted to go to Tahiti in the first place. If all she was going to do was sit on a beach all day we could have gone to Hawaii or Mexico for half the cost.

 

4- You can't blame her for not wanting sex in the morning and not wanting sex more than once per day. Having sex every 2 days is by many people's standards quite a lot of sex. Her side of the story isn't here, so I don't know how you were treating her, but your complaints about never "going at it like rabbits" and only having sex every other day sound like you had unrealistic standards for your sex life. You must understand that you may have been a contributing factor to your declining sex life. If you were this dissatisfied with your sex life -- which many people would consider a healthy and vigorous sex life -- because you only had sex 3-4 times a week and never had it multiple times a day, how were you treating her because of it? Were you nagging, did you make unkind comments, did you pressure her, pout, withdraw from the relationship? Think about this. These are all reasons that could cause a woman to become less interested in sex and stop wanting it.

 

Yes, you're right, a healthy and adventurous sex life is asking for way too much in a relationship. How stupid of me.

 

Overall, it sounds like you picked a woman that was NOT compatible and tried to force her into the mold of the woman you wanted. This isn't going to work. Ever. Blaming her for your failure to change her probably contributed significantly to the demise of your marriage. You can't continue blaming her for not being the wife you wanted when you didn't marry the wife you wanted in the first place.

 

I really think that before you move on to dating, you should talk to a counselor to help you process what happened and how it happened, because it wasn't all your wife's fault. You aren't blameless in the end of your marriage. You need to figure your own issues out if you want a better relationship.

 

I take zero responsibility and AM blameless in the demise of my marriage. Maybe I should have left her sooner, sure I'll take the blame for that. The failure of the marriage is entirely on her - she didn't want counselling, she doesn't think our marriage is bad because she has almost all, if not all, her needs fulfilled while I have to fight and beg for even the least of my needs to be filled. Sometimes only one person is to blame for the demise of a relationship (again, it's NOT ME).

 

Good luck

 

I don't have any worries though, it feels like my life is just starting to really begin. I'm finishing school, I'll have a great career in line, grad school in the future. If I find a woman compatible with me, cool...if not? I'm fine just dating around until I find someone who can meet my needs and I can meet hers. My STBXW is a cut from her mother - selfish to no end and I refuse to end up miserable and grouchy like her father.

[oldshirt]

Many people don't realize this but there is a time machine. It's called "morning" and it begins when the sky starts to glow with light to the east. With the dawn of a new day begins a new chapter in your life. It's all about what you do with that new day.

[bwright42tx]

Many people don't realize this but there is a time machine. It's called "morning" and it begins when the sky starts to glow with light to the east. With the dawn of a new day begins a new chapter in your life. It's all about what you do with that new day.

 

I don't always agree with your posts, but this is some of the best advice I've read on here!!!

[P51Geo1980]

***UPDATTE***

 

So it's been a while since this post has had an activity so I thought I'd update everyone. I filed for divorce about two months ago. My STBXW became completely intolerable. Once she figured out that I threw in the towel, she became more emotionally withdrawn and snapped at me all the time. After a week of this I had enough and one day just went down to the court house and filed for divorce. She was extremely shocked and started begging for me to give her one last chance. In essence I told her that she'd had way too many chances, I've talked about our issues to death with her and all it ended with are empty promises on her part. No matter how many times she told me she'd change forever I told her I had no reason to trust her. I also told her that there's no way I'm spending the rest of my life with a woman who changed because I had to file divorce. I'm done. I stayed at my folks for a few days while her and her folks cleaned her stuff out of my house (we live in one of my parents' houses). I feel bad for my dog, she seems to really miss my STBXW. She hasn't asked much, I offered her $2,000 per month for half the length of the marriage when I find a nursing job and she accepted. This doesn't bother me at all, she'll need it considering she makes barely $1500 per month as a preschool teacher. Divorce should be finalized in a few more months.

 

As for my STBXW, she seems genuinely sorry for how she treated me and how she destroyed the marriage. I feel sorry for her. She had so many chances and just ruined them.

 

On my end, I'm feeling great. After one of the girls in my class found out that I was getting divorced, she asked me out on a date. I explained my situation to her honestly and she understands what's going on in my life. I've been over my marriage for a long long time, so I've gotten over it - I just want it to be done and over with now. This new girl is pretty great - she's the complete opposite of my wife; loves to laugh, loves to joke around, is pretty light-hearted, super intelligent, and she seems to genuinely LIKE me. We're taking it slow and getting to know each other - our dates are usually fun places, nothing serious so far. We haven't done more than make out, which is fine with me. I want to get to know her better.

[oldshirt]

 

 

because of the neglect and negativity in your last marriage don't let yourself fall into another trap...because the next girl that you meet that you're having all these amazing feelings and experiences for again suddenly is going to be a strong narcotic and you might once again get way ahead of yourself without taking your time and reading the writing on the wall.

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

Congratulations and good job on moving forward with your life!!! I am glad to see you are not willing to settle and just live on whatever breadcrumbs are thrown your way by someone that isn't compatible with you. And also glad to see you change careers and pursue something that you feel a passion and drive for.

 

 

I am also glad to see that you are getting out and meeting people and going on dates etc. It's great that this other gal has taken an interest in you and that you are hitting it off.

 

 

I am not trying to be a Debbie Downer but I do have to point out and agree with what Ninjainpajamas warned about several months ago. Just because this gal is into you and things are going well now, do not get in over your head and do not invest more than what you are willing to lose.

 

 

You have been starved and living on breadcrumbs for so long that anything looks good to you right now. This gal may be nice and may like you and she may be fine, but you are in such a vulnerable state right now she may seem like a gold mine but could easily just be the shaft.

 

 

You need to realize that you are a different person now than you were when you were first dating your wife. as a 20 year old, you may have been short and average and awkward and inexperienced and naïve and lacking of some social skills and economic status. To put it bluntly, your market value may not have been very high a dozen years ago and your STBX was the best you could get at the time (actually the more accurate term is, 'the best you THOUGHT you could get at the time)

 

 

a dozen years ago you were an insecure, perhaps slightly desperate boy. Fast forward to today and you are a rapidly developing man that is educated and experienced in multiple career fields, has had a variety of good and bad life experiences... ie 'wisdom'. and you have learned first hand that you are capable of turning your life around and pursuing your own passions and realizing success in them.

 

 

Your market rank in the dating market went from the low of an awkward 20 to a fairly high ranking of an educated, experienced and self-fulfilling man. That is a huge jump!!!

 

 

So what I am saying her is this gal that has been batting her eyes at you and giggling like a school girl over your silly jokes IS NOT A FLUKE!!

 

 

She is not a special snowflake and is not your one shot at love at the end of your marriage. She is one of many women that will appreciate who and what you are.

 

 

My advice is don't jump from the frying pan into the fire because the fire is one degree warmer. Get out there and start many fires and learn how fires and frying pans really work and then once you have some solid experience and wisdom, pick that which you know works best for you.

 

 

Meet and date a lot of women. Go out with friends. Party. Take up hobbies and pursue other passions.

 

 

Don't commit to any one person on the heels of a divorce and don't limit your options. You still need to find out what options there are. I guarantee you there are a lot more than what you think there are.

[AmyBamy]

I don't have any worries though, it feels like my life is just starting to really begin. I'm finishing school, I'll have a great career in line, grad school in the future. If I find a woman compatible with me, cool...if not? I'm fine just dating around until I find someone who can meet my needs and I can meet hers. My STBXW is a cut from her mother - selfish to no end and I refuse to end up miserable and grouchy like her father.

 

There are so many marriages out there like this that people just carry on for so many reasons. I know EXACTLY what you meant when you said you would think of being married to her for the rest of your life and you couldn't breathe. I remember thinking to myself that I couldn't do one more day with my ex husband let alone another year, or 10 years. It literally made me sick to my stomach to think about.

 

Some people honestly think that you should just suck it up if your needs aren't being met and settle in for the long haul. You did everything that my exMM did with his wife and he is divorcing her too. I know that men don't file as often as women do but every time I hear of them filing it's the same story.

 

I'm sorry you went through that. I wouldn't wish an empty marriage on anyone it is the most miserable thing I've ever experienced - feeling trapped with someone who I didn't want or like at all anymore, someone that was obviously such a bad match for me.

 

But, ours was years ago and that divorce was honest to god the best decision I have ever made in my life. Hands down, best decision ever. I know yours will be too. Some people get it twisted and think the marriage was the best decision and the divorce is the worst so they cling to the marriage thinking it is supposed to be or that they will force it to work out of sheer willpower but when you married the wrong person it's exactly the opposite.

[janedoe67]

I applaud and admire you. Had I decided to do this in 2004, I would not have been overmedicated, I would not have suffered through suicidal depression, I would not have had repeated affairs (yeah, yeah, stick a sock in it; it's true). I was too cowardly to do it right and subjected my family to misery. YOU have done the right thing.

 

Sex is an integral part of a romantic, long-term, marital relationship. If you don't plan on having it, stay single. And the whole "earn sex with your spouse" thing is what LD people spew to justify withholding.

 

End of story.

[soccerrprp]

There are so many marriages out there like this that people just carry on for so many reasons. I know EXACTLY what you meant when you said you would think of being married to her for the rest of your life and you couldn't breathe. I remember thinking to myself that I couldn't do one more day with my ex husband let alone another year, or 10 years. It literally made me sick to my stomach to think about.

 

Some people honestly think that you should just suck it up if your needs aren't being met and settle in for the long haul. You did everything that my exMM did with his wife and he is divorcing her too. I know that men don't file as often as women do but every time I hear of them filing it's the same story.

 

I'm sorry you went through that. I wouldn't wish an empty marriage on anyone it is the most miserable thing I've ever experienced - feeling trapped with someone who I didn't want or like at all anymore, someone that was obviously such a bad match for me.

 

But, ours was years ago and that divorce was honest to god the best decision I have ever made in my life. Hands down, best decision ever. I know yours will be too. Some people get it twisted and think the marriage was the best decision and the divorce is the worst so they cling to the marriage thinking it is supposed to be or that they will force it to work out of sheer willpower but when you married the wrong person it's exactly the opposite.

 

One really doesn't realize just how wrong it was to get married until the deed is done. Years, some times decades later.

 

People who believe divorce is the worst thing ever, I feel, are living in a fantasy world. Sometimes it is what is needed to live out the remainder of one's life with some happiness, safer, more fulfilled.

 

The worst thing isn't divorce, it's remaining in a relationship that is unhealthy, bludgeoning, and unsafe for too long. In my book, divorce should always be an option. Life is too short and much wonderful things that it offers to allow someone else to keep you from seeking what is best in this world, up-lifting. Work it out, sure, but never let someone else dictate, control, destroy what joy you have for the world.

Edited May 20, 2014 by soccerrprp

[P51Geo1980]

**UPDATE**

 

So my thread wasn't terribly active, but I thought I would give an update. As of September 19th, the divorce is finalized. My ex agreed to what I had offered her and that was that. She did try to make one final attempt to win me back but wasn't very emotional about it. She said she would agree to counseling and finally understood that she had neglected me for the majority of our marriage. She never apologized though. I reiterated to her that I was done and that I had begged and pleaded enough times in our marriage that it made it very clear that I was unhappy. We parted and that was that, haven't heard from her since. My ex-brother-in-law texted me and told me she was going to be better off without me and that she met someone else already. I didn't respond.

 

Things with my gf are still going along quite nicely. She spends a few nights per week at my place and since we are both nurses and only work three days per week, we have a lot of free time to spend together. We're currently in the process of planning a trip to Sweden in April or May. She knows how I feel about marriage now (not for me anymore) and she's on the same page for now. I'm glad to put the last sorry ten years behind me and move forward with my life. Whether or not my girlfriend and I stay together long-term, I'll be happy no matter what happens.

[oldshirt]

**UPDATE**

 

So my thread wasn't terribly active, but I thought I would give an update. As of September 19th, the divorce is finalized. My ex agreed to what I had offered her and that was that. She did try to make one final attempt to win me back but wasn't very emotional about it. She said she would agree to counseling and finally understood that she had neglected me for the majority of our marriage. She never apologized though. I reiterated to her that I was done and that I had begged and pleaded enough times in our marriage that it made it very clear that I was unhappy. We parted and that was that, haven't heard from her since. My ex-brother-in-law texted me and told me she was going to be better off without me and that she met someone else already. I didn't respond.

 

Things with my gf are still going along quite nicely. She spends a few nights per week at my place and since we are both nurses and only work three days per week, we have a lot of free time to spend together. We're currently in the process of planning a trip to Sweden in April or May. She knows how I feel about marriage now (not for me anymore) and she's on the same page for now. I'm glad to put the last sorry ten years behind me and move forward with my life. Whether or not my girlfriend and I stay together long-term, I'll be happy no matter what happens.

 

 

Thanks for the update. Glad to hear things are working out for the both of you.

[oldshirt]

....and also, you BIL sounds like a dick.

 

 

 

 

but even though he may have being a craptard and trying to hurt your feelings, what he really did was just confirm that you two weren't meant to be and that you made the right decision.

[MuscleCarFan]

Glad to hear th I nus are looking up for you.