I dont want to lose my marriage...

[Scott0310]

So here goes a long story for everyone to read. And before I get going if anyone does reply, understand I do not need the "be a man" speech, or everyone to feel sorry for me. Really what I need is advice, or other perspectives.

 

Here we go,

 

 

 

My wife and I have been married for just shy of nine years, we’ve been together for a little over ten. I am in the military and while we were dating I asked her to move with me to Italy, she did and we got married and had a wonderful son. We later moved back to California (job took us there) and we had a separation. It was really both of our faults, we just were not there for each other, more so on me as the move for me wasn’t easy and put a LOT of stress on me which affected the home life. She went back to S. Cali and lived with her mom and our son, we had some rough patches during the separation but eventually (7-8 months later) she called me and said she wanted to work things out, which we did. That was 2008, fast forward to know, 2014. We now have two kids, a boy and girl. We are pretty much separated once again, but this time it is my entire fault. Over the years I had become emotionally abusive to her, now I don’t mean constant yelling and name calling, but there was some times when I made her feel bad because she can’t find a job, usually difficult for military spouses overseas) I also usually messed up on holidays, didn’t do squat for her birthdays/anniversaries or mother’s day. Something in me snapped after she finally told me she was Unhappy with our marriage back in November 2013. I knew that I had to change, for her AND for me, for our marriage to work; problem is was I did not know how to change, and it took a few weeks to happen but I started to make the right moves, I made plans for V-day, and our 9th Year Anniversary, as her birthday she told me she wanted a divorce. Over the past month I have tried to stay separate but friends (she wants as friends) but I can’t do this, every time we start to interact it turns into me saying something stupid and it pushing her away. I want to move out but we would probably go broke, also she is now pretty much set on divorce.

 

 

I have and will never hit her, it has all been verbal/emotional, I have to leave in hopes of giving her the time she needs/wants to hopefully want to work things out with me. Is it possible to live under the same roof and be “separated?” I’m sleeping on the couch so we’re as separated as possible, and often during the weekends I go to a hotel to limit contact. I keep messing up and don’t know how to stop so she won’t hate me anymore.

[dreamcatcher975]

I am in the same situation except it's my H who is wanting the divorce. We are also in the military, except he is the one who was verbally/emotionally abusive. (i think the stress from the job plays a part) We were separated and i chose to come back.. and we are sleeping in separate rooms (i'm on the couch). I am also wanting to save my marriage but dk how exactly because i just don't talk "man" and every time we talk i always say something that kicks off an argument and can't get on the right path to just have a decent conversation with my H. It always ends up in some kind of "you did this.. " or "this is what went wrong.." and it just snowballs from there. So I know how it feels like you're always messing up cause that's how i feel when i talk to my H and it goes in circles.

 

My suggestion is (and coming from a woman's perspective) talk to your wife as you would a friend. Us girls like that stuff. (i think most of us do?) You guys were friends before you were married and so go back to that. Listen. Don't just hear what she's saying.. LISTEN. There's a difference. Think about what she says first then respond. Enjoy the time you have with each other and not worry so much about the details and If you're still verbally/emotionally abusive-- STOP.

[Scott0310]

Funny thing is, I am always telling my troops to leave **** at the door they are leaving from, ie: don’t bring home to work and vice versa. Many times we or she tries to talk as a friend it ends in an awkward silence, but it’s the moments that are quiet and she asks me what’s wrong and usually I tell her nothing, even though she knows, and sometimes she pry’s asking me, and when I break down and tell her I just want things to go back to normal (after she is ready of course) it leads to a conversation/argument that pushes her away from me.

 

 

I’ve done my best so far to stop being verbally/emotionally abusive, I’ve started talking to a Chaplin. I guess the hardest thing for me is that while I know I can survive a long wait of the separation and see what happens, it only makes it 10000000000x harder being under the same roof.

[dreamcatcher975]

Funny thing is, I am always telling my troops to leave **** at the door they are leaving from, i.e.: don’t bring home to work and vice versa. Many times we or she tries to talk as a friend it ends in an awkward silence, but it’s the moments that are quiet and she asks me what’s wrong and usually I tell her nothing, even though she knows, and sometimes she pry’s asking me, and when I break down and tell her I just want things to go back to normal (after she is ready of course) it leads to a conversation/argument that pushes her away from me.

 

My H does the same thing. He sees me upset, quiet and distant.... he asks me what's wrong and of course it doesn't take very much to figure it out… and when i tell him about how i feel about the marriage.. he trips out! and it pushes him to continue on with the divorce.

 

A lot of people here will suggest doing the "180" it's a list of things you're supposed to be doing once the D bomb has been dropped. I didn't realize i wasn't doing it till i read that when your W asks u what's wrong, u answer, and it causes to push her further away. Read up on it it might help.

 

I’ve done my best so far to stop being verbally/emotionally abusive, I’ve started talking to a Chaplin. I guess the hardest thing for me is that while I know I can survive a long wait of the separation and see what happens, it only makes it 10000000000x harder being under the same roof.

 

Talking to a chaplin is good. Maybe if she's up for it, try Marriage counseling? Its super difficult living under the same roof. Sometimes i just think about going back home and just quitting but then my friends remind me -- "if it's done, it's done, u might as well just stick it out till the end so u know for sure you tried rather than leave now and wonder for the rest of your life "what if…". But that's easier said than done.

 

stay strong.

[Scott0310]

I am at the moment attempting to try the friend thing, though it’s REALLY hard for me, mostly because all of my feelings are still there I gather. I do attempt to actually listen and I think sometimes that is where I get messed up, and I don’t know if it’s because I hearing something I WANT to hear or if she is saying it exactly how it sounds.

 

 

 

Today for example I came back from sleeping in a hotel for a few days (after she told me she wants a divorce), we chatted about what’s going on, how I found a temp apt I am planning on moving into to actually physically separate us. She isn’t fond of the idea but is in that “whatever” mode, something she said is what I mean about listening versus hearing what I want to hear. I told her I had to do it to give her her time, something I should have done in the beginning, after a few more words she talked about how if I kept up the talk about how I feel it was just going to make the divorce set in stone. That is what I mean, what does she mean by that? I cant really ask her what it means, but I think/believe it means that maybe if I actually do this instead of saying it, and giving her her space for a bit, she might have the time alone to think and see things through.

 

By the way, I am talking to a Chaplin, it is kind of more based on my anger issues (I never get actually bad violent, I tend to just bread expensive stuff, like my laptop screen, never hit her or the kids). Also over the course of the separation I have ceased the abusive behavior all together, if you looked at me know, you wouldn't be able to tell that is what led up to this.

Edited February 18, 2014 by Scott0310

[dreamcatcher975]

I am at the moment attempting to try the friend thing, though it’s REALLY hard for me, mostly because all of my feelings are still there I gather. I do attempt to actually listen and I think sometimes that is where I get messed up, and I don’t know if it’s because I hearing something I WANT to hear or if she is saying it exactly how it sounds.

 

 

 

Today for example I came back from sleeping in a hotel for a few days (after she told me she wants a divorce), we chatted about what’s going on, how I found a temp apt I am planning on moving into to actually physically separate us. She isn’t fond of the idea but is in that “whatever” mode, something she said is what I mean about listening versus hearing what I want to hear. I told her I had to do it to give her her time, something I should have done in the beginning, after a few more words she talked about how if I kept up the talk about how I feel it was just going to make the divorce set in stone. That is what I mean, what does she mean by that? I cant really ask her what it means, but I think/believe it means that maybe if I actually do this instead of saying it, and giving her her space for a bit, she might have the time alone to think and see things through.

 

By the way, I am talking to a Chaplin, it is kind of more based on my anger issues (I never get actually bad violent, I tend to just bread expensive stuff, like my laptop screen, never hit her or the kids). Also over the course of the separation I have ceased the abusive behavior all together, if you looked at me know, you wouldn't be able to tell that is what led up to this.

 

Was the idea moving out, your idea or hers? Did you just spring this up on her last minute?

 

You moving out is probably hard to hear. take it slow. U don't have to do anything over night.

 

You have a place like LS to vent what your going through so the in house thing can be a bit easier on you, and use your chaplin for MC advice too. If he's helped you change your anger issues that much… maybe he can give you insight on what to do with the current situation with your wife.

[Tayken]

@OP......You asked....."is it possible to be separated under the same roof"? I don't know about the US, but next door to you it is. This is how it works as I went through it myself...13 months of it

 

You establish an official date you both agree on, you move out of the master bedroom, no sex together and you stop doing things as a family. Now note that you will still be able to see your kids that way, and it will help you gain access/custody if and when you go to court as judges will mostly respect the status quo

 

Google a document called "The List", it's for divorcing dads...it will help you understand what how to conduct yourself during this difficult times. Focus all your energy and attention on the kids....remember it's always what is the best interest of the children (remove emotions)

[d0nnivain]

If you are still on the military there are family support services available to you. Use them. Sit down & let her know you have started the process. Tell her you recognize your past mistakes but that you love & value her & you would like to reconcile. Gently remind her of your vows. Ask her what changes you need to institute to encourage her to change her mind. Show her that you are addressing this very serious situation with the same zeal & gusto you apply to missions but don't make her feel like she's a battle to be one.

[Scott0310]

@OP......You asked....."is it possible to be separated under the same roof"? I don't know about the US, but next door to you it is. This is how it works as I went through it myself...13 months of it

 

You establish an official date you both agree on, you move out of the master bedroom, no sex together and you stop doing things as a family.

 

 

Actually since day 1 I've been living on the couch, though I work at night so when the kids are off school during the day I have to go up to the bedroom. While I would LOVE to have sex with her, we barely touch each other right now because of the situation. We're both American, I'm just stationed over here and our divorce would be field through California.

 

She knows some of the steps I've taken, most of them are home-bound, meaning I've been taking care of the house, dishes, kids to/from school, basically all the stuff she has done that got her into the mommy routine that is sometimes a slump. I'm doing these things now to show her I have to understand/feel what she went through to prove to her I wont make the same mistake twice. A Chaplin is one of the few people (for me I'm non-religious) that has actually gotten back to me about a meeting, the marriage counselors on base here haven't returned my calls.

 

The idea to move out was mine, from the get-go. It was more meant to give her some time alone without me. I would really only be about 10 minutes away and I would still perform the duties I have been. The physical separation probably could have prevented me from loosing in and "begging" for a second chance, having said that it has pushed her to the brink of divorce, not just wanting time apart. So really at this point I have no idea what to do, I'm just keeping up with what I have been doing (minus the talking, as I have pretty much told her it might be best if we just stay quite to each other for now) and hope she changes her mind. I really cant see her not in my life, one of the reasons why I asked her to marry me.

[uku383]

There's a lot in your story that I relate to. We've both been in the soup for the same amount of time (my wife told me in October) and we've been together for a similar period (we were married in 2005, and started dating in 2002). We have an amazing four year old boy who is an absolute joy.

 

I don't have any words of wisdom, but I might tell my story. It's good for me, and it might be comforting for you to know you're not alone.

 

I've had depression since 2006. From that point, when I lost a job, I became quite irritable and was easily angered. I've been rude to my wife, her family and friends. She has described me as abusive, and I accept with the view it means anything less than nurturing.

 

My wife is extremely strong-willed and self-assured. She is incredibly intelligent and is at the top of her field. I, however, have struggled professionally. My fears of criticism and rejection have fed my anger and negativity (plus, I reckon I inherited some of this from my dad, who's frankly a bit of a pain).

 

In June last year I lost my job due to a restructure. I went into another depressed state and she told me she'd been researching divorce lawyers. I immediately committed to treatment. We had a session with a counsellor and I went to hospital. While I was there she dumped me.

 

So, I've never been physically abusive either. I've been a coward. I've been afraid of not being valued by her and have allowed that to feed disrespect.

 

Since October I've done whatever I can to get better. It's working very slowly, but the reality is that it may be too late. Like you, I've been in contact with the church, although I'm trying to connect with God because I honestly don't see how I can fix me and my situation by myself.

 

What I've heard from counsellors and others is that I have to let her go. For there to be any chance of recovery and reconciliation I need to fix me for me. That's not easy, particularly when I'm overcome with feelings of loss and when I have to be in contact with her because of our son.

 

The simple fact is that she won't take me back unless I get better, and unless I get better I won't cope with not being with her.

 

She will not believe my words, only my actions. She needs to see change, and that's not easy to do. We can have as much commitment to improve as you could ever imagine, but it means nothing unless sustained change is seen.

 

I keep slipping. I tell her how I'm trying, or try to tell her how I'm improving and all that does is push her away. it confirms the view that she's already taken.

 

For me, then, rules are needed. I'm trying to follow these but it's hard, and I keep stuffing up (I will get it right though - I'm determined). I'd be interested in what people think of them (hmmm... I think I'll start this as another post). Of all of these, doing things to make me happy is the most difficult, most likely because of financial issues and my depression. Anyway, here we go:

 

1. No manipulating. This includes calling to see how she is, texting photos of our boy so that she'll think I'm great, anything like that.

 

2. No over-apologising. Say it once and be done with it.

 

3. Don't argue with anything she says.

 

4. No talking with her or her family about either my recovery or getting back together.

 

5. Be on time. Not early, not late, but on time.

 

6. Do not tell people things in the hope they'll try to influence her.

 

7. Be polite and calm in all I do.

 

8. Try to look good.

 

9. Do things to make me happy.

 

The general view seems to be that there's no quick fix. Believe me, I wish that there was one. I would do anything.

[Scott0310]

It looks like I have more or less past the first phase (emotional breakdown) of the separation. While I am still pretty upset about the whole thing and want everything to work itself back, I can now feel better that it might. Has anyone else ever experienced this, where at the beginning you’re hurting so bad all you want to do is talk it out and make it work, but after a few weeks, or in my case 8 weeks you get to the point where you can sit back and realize that your SO knows and understands your feelings but still needs time and you no longer feel like you HAVE to keep beating a dead horse by repeating your feelings or that you know you did wrong? That’s pretty much where I am now, my wife knows how I feel, knows and understands I want our marriage to work out; we have actually been getting along. I know that some of you recommended no contact, but living under the same roof makes that almost impossible. However, I do feel that the fact we have been getting along, being friendly, laughing and such together, that may help in my favor where she might see that I have done what I needed to do to begin my changing process to correct my past behaviors. I have not regressed into my past self of being emotionally abusive and I actually find it pretty easy to NOT be that way. One thing I told her when she asked was why I did all that, I could not give her an answer, I did however, mention that I find it pretty easy to NOT be like that now simply by not feeling negative. I still clean the whole house without her help (one of the steps I took upon myself to show her I mean business).

I guess one thing I am worried about perhaps a forgetfulness phase, whereas since I am not actively pursuing her, she may forget I need her to take me back. Another obstacle has come up, if some of you have read that I am in the military, I’ve been notified of a probably deployment for me here in a month or so as the earliest leave date. I’m not sure how that is going to work out for us, my terms for a physical separation were me to move to an apt or a friend’s house down the road, not 3000 miles away.

[Scott0310]

So I’ve been a bit MIA for the last few weeks, a lot of things have changed with my separation. Most noticeable are my wife and I are talking and being much more civil now. As I stated before, I believe I’m past the shock phase of the split, and I am no longer hounding her trying to take me back. I know with all of the advice and comments I have had on here, both positive and negative have been appreciated, but I wanted to get a woman’s perspective on this now. We are actually more of a normal married couple right now than we have been for years, all except for the “in love” part since we’re separated.

 

 

During this separation she has dated, and slept with a guy; he ended up “dumping” her shortly afterword’s, something for which I blame her for because she fell into the “rebound” trap; guy finds a vulnerable woman and takes advantage, while she actually told me that I was pushing her away with always hounding her asking for a second chance. While I have not forgotten her indiscretion, I can let it go, not worrying about the semantics of is it cheating because we’re married, or not because we’re separated. So many people on here have talked about how they had a spouse “cheat” on them however, they still managed to work things out and live quite happily now. As far as our separation is concerned for the ladies here, if you’re in my situation (or wife’s rather) and you tell your husband that you want to just be alone, to find yourself again, but doing so might need you to date other people. Reason behind it is to find out if you (she) can build back up those feelings of trust and security, that not all guys are lying. She told me that with the guy she dated, she was just waiting for him to fail because she expects it. Waits for the “romance” to die off because she expects it to; she wants to find these emotions again to where maybe she can re-develop these feelings so that if she was to give us another shot, she would have feelings for me again.

 

 

 

I just want to know if this sounds normal or bull****. As a guy, if our roles were reversed and I told her I just needed time along to myself, I’d take time alone, NOT date other people. She has asked me to date other women, but I don’t care to, and I know she wants me to in hopes I do something so maybe she doesn’t feel so guilty about what she did. Something I don’t plan on doing and she will have to live with.

 

 

 

So far over the past two months I have kept up what I told her I needed to change about me, no rage issues, I’ve given her time to herself, I’ve taken care of the kids and house without her help. Begun to just pay attention to her and what she needs versus trying to fix everything. Basically the stuff which I realized brought us to this situation I have “fixed” I know I have to keep it up to show her I am not just going to fall back to the old days, something we have both agreed that our old marriage is dead, and any reconciliation would mean a new marriage. It is tough, and I am trying to be patient, but I just need a wife’s perspective on her actions on how valid they are or not.

[Mr.Milked]

Wait...I forgot which one of you were taking antidepressants?

 

 

Which one is on Prozac and Celexa and which is on Effexor?

[M30USA]

Regarding your OP (and I apologize for ignoring the main point), anytime a person uses the phrase "be a man" or "man up" it's just code word for:

 

"Accept a raw deal where you don't find life fulfillment, your feelings don't matter, and you merely exist as a workhorse and financial provider."

 

Here is a woman who even agrees with this point. Watch particularly at 1:00...

 

http://youtu.be/D33L4zxjpH0

Edited March 7, 2014 by M30USA

[Scott0310]

No one is taking any kind of medication for anything, not sure why you stated this, maybe wrong thread...or you're looking for a refill.

 

 

Let me throw this out there, since all I am getting now is people telling me how she's playing me, and not offering any real constructive ideas;

How possible is it that maybe my wife is actually being genuine and not trying to play me over like it seems so many others here have had the bad fortune of having being done to them, leaving them bitter.

 

My wife has actually shown me love for years, I never once thought different, we've cared for each other, and she's always been there. I firmly dont believe she is the kind of gal that would play me as she is after a 9 year marriage and 2 wonderful kids.

[Mr.Milked]

Scott, I'm sorry you are going through this. Only you know if the friend zone can get you in good graces. All I know is that generally when your woman starts dropping the "D" card and says that is what she wants, how do you fight that? With no fault divorce today, there is nothing you can do to stop her. You shouldn't be breaking anything in the sight of wife or kids in a fit of rage or anger. I can't imagine being in the friend zone with my ex. It's either us or nothing aside for cordial small talk, since we have two children.

 

 

Women love those markers where you submit to them and do something for them to make them feel special to you. It's hard to feel like she is special if your running around breaking things and yelling, being mean, snide, snarky...whatever.

 

 

I'm going for another refill... I just like to get the meds question out there. When I read military my mind drifts to PTSD.

 

 

I would hate to be in another state or overseas not confident that my woman was being faithful and I'm sorry we don't pay you enough for her not to have to get a job.

 

 

Did you court your woman? Do you remember what you did?

Edited March 8, 2014 by Mr.Milked

[Chi townD]

Wow, okay, this is a hot mess from hell.

 

 

You posted on 22 Feb 14 and the next time you post was 6 Mar, 14. And during those FEW days, you're telling us that your wife was dating and screwed some guy. Any you BASICALLY tell us that this dude just hit it and quit it. And you're talking like it was no big deal.

 

 

WHAT THE HELL DUDE?!?!?!

 

 

Okay, I got a bunch of questions for you.

 

 

1. Do you actually want to save your marriage?

 

 

2. Were you in Iraq or Afghanistan?

 

 

3. Are you still in the house or are you staying in the BEQ or the BOQ?

 

 

4. If you want to save your marriage, have you considered marriage counseling?

 

 

5. And finally, have you considered doing the 180?

[Scott0310]

Chi,

Actually my wife and I separated just after the New Year’s, if you read my original post about the sep, you’ll noticed I said for several weeks (after November) as of the date I had posted on the 17th. Things didn’t happen in the matter of a couple of weeks. Her “fling” lasted several weeks sure, I cant be sure when exactly it started with her but yeah it almost seems like he “hit it and quit it”

 

Also if you read my posts, you’ll know I want to save my marriage, why I keep coming here “venting” looking for people who’ve had similar experiences and what they did about it, and kind of looking for people who’ve made it. I was not deployed at the time, actually that could have very much been the problem, for us its weird; we kind of enjoy the time apart when I am gone, it gives us something to look forward to when I get back, and it allows us to miss each other. I have not been gone for almost 2 years now.

 

 

 

No I am not in base lodging anymore, although I have spent several weekends there just to leave her alone, and kind of give me my space as well. Also I am currently in a type of marriage counseling, she has agreed to go if we get back together but for her to go now when she has the feeling of wanting to end it wont really be productive.

 

 

 

As far as the 180 is concerned, I have kinda taken a few of the steps but not the whole thing, in our situation right now a lot of it would be pretty hard. Living overseas, on the funds I do get make it very difficult to move out for example. Plus a lot of the things I am doing around the house (which I never helped with before) are steps I itold her I need to do for myself and for her. The 180 isnt a bad idea, but I can only accomplish parts of it.

[Scott0310]

To continue to grease the gears here, I have decided to leave my wife. I have a co-worker whom is allowing me to stay in one of his extra rooms at his house and I move in tomorrow (Tuesday). I'm saying goodbye to my kids, something which I should be used to being military and having to deploy or leave on short trips. However, this time it is so much worse and it probably has to do with the fact I'll still be around but just not at home. I've started the 180 and am hopping for the best, but expecting the worst. I feel like I've failed at the only thing that mattered to me in life, and that is my family. STBX can do what ever she feels like, I've removed her from my life for the time being and await judgment.

[Mr.Milked]

To continue to grease the gears here, I have decided to leave my wife. I have a co-worker whom is allowing me to stay in one of his extra rooms at his house and I move in tomorrow (Tuesday). I'm saying goodbye to my kids, something which I should be used to being military and having to deploy or leave on short trips. However, this time it is so much worse and it probably has to do with the fact I'll still be around but just not at home. I've started the 180 and am hopping for the best, but expecting the worst. I feel like I've failed at the only thing that mattered to me in life, and that is my family. STBX can do what ever she feels like, I've removed her from my life for the time being and await judgment.

I hurt for your kids bro.

[Scott0310]

So do I,

 

I kinda moved out earlier this week, living in a hotel for a few days before heading home. The wife is going to take one of her close friends (female) to the anniversary trip I had planned a few months ago before all this happened. She leaves the day I come back so after all is said and done, we'll not have seen each other or spoken to each other in about 8 days. AFter which I'm moving in with a buddy for a few weeks.

 

Before heading to work I've been going back to the house to make coffee for the night, while its brewing I take the moment to kiss my kids and tell them good night, even though they are already asleep as its close to 11pm when I do this.

 

One night wife was up watching netflix, but we did not say anything to each other, she looked in my direction I think but I did not return the favor. I'm trying my best to pull the 180 and NC, but I'm just afraid it is done. Tomorrow I plan to talk with a Advisor (since military doesnt do divorce and doesnt really have lawyers) about filing for the D while we are out here in the UK. It may be irrelevant, but knowing I dont want to divorce I dont want to file, but at the same time, neither has she. I dont know if that means anything that I'm thinking too hard about it, or she just isnt because of the kids and filing for divorce means she pretty much has to leave and go back to the states.

 

This whole thing is killing me, worse then a rollercoaster. I am hopping she sees the hotel and how romantic it was supposed to be and uses the couple of days to think of me and reconsider, but I know on my head thats not going to happen. And the next week while I'm no leave it will be a nightmare until I am out of the house again.

[hurts1968]

So do I,

 

I kinda moved out earlier this week, living in a hotel for a few days before heading home. The wife is going to take one of her close friends (female) to the anniversary trip I had planned a few months ago before all this happened. She leaves the day I come back so after all is said and done, we'll not have seen each other or spoken to each other in about 8 days. AFter which I'm moving in with a buddy for a few weeks.

 

Before heading to work I've been going back to the house to make coffee for the night, while its brewing I take the moment to kiss my kids and tell them good night, even though they are already asleep as its close to 11pm when I do this.

 

One night wife was up watching netflix, but we did not say anything to each other, she looked in my direction I think but I did not return the favor. I'm trying my best to pull the 180 and NC, but I'm just afraid it is done. Tomorrow I plan to talk with a Advisor (since military doesnt do divorce and doesnt really have lawyers) about filing for the D while we are out here in the UK. It may be irrelevant, but knowing I dont want to divorce I dont want to file, but at the same time, neither has she. I dont know if that means anything that I'm thinking too hard about it, or she just isnt because of the kids and filing for divorce means she pretty much has to leave and go back to the states.

 

This whole thing is killing me, worse then a rollercoaster. I am hopping she sees the hotel and how romantic it was supposed to be and uses the couple of days to think of me and reconsider, but I know on my head thats not going to happen. And the next week while I'm no leave it will be a nightmare until I am out of the house again.

 

 

 

So feel for you, going through similar stuff...how do you cope with being away from the kids?

 

I'm still in the house, can't bear to be away from my 3 year old daughter and solicitor told me to stay put!

 

It's so hard to do the 180..especially with children involved.

 

It's my STBXW's birthday this weekend, we had a lovely weekend planned and now she is doing it without me, not sure it will even enter her head to miss me at the moment.

[Scott0310]

Its actually quite hard not to be around my kids, nor my wife. Our separation has been going on since first week of January and I have spent several weekends and now this last week in a hotel, alone; thinking of everything that I had done that brought us to this situation. I firmly believe in that time I have changed for the better, realized what I had done, and even suffered as the last two months she has made me feel the way she did from me. Making me do all the house work, perform all the school functions with the kids, extra activities; and I never once said anything about it because I believe that I had to experience what I put her through if I was going to change and understand that I could never be like that to her again.

We too had plans this weekend, or I did as a surprise for her. Yesterday was our 9th anniversary, and for it I planned a huge weekend trip to a romantic castle hotel on the east coast of the UK, this was all before we separated. Now, she is going with a girlfriend while I get to stay home with the kids. As bad as that sounds I’m looking forward to the time with them, and as even worse as it sounds, I’d rather spend it with her. The trip was something unexpected to her because I had never really been like that, I also bought her a 2k black diamond ring she has always wanted, I was actually going to propose to her again on the trip, and re-promise to her I would love her like I never had before but to which I had promised the first time.

I’m also doing the 180 as best I can, about to hit day 5 of not interacting with her (and its killing me), and middle of next week I am moving in with a friend and staying at his place for probably a few weeks. The only way I am getting by is when I come home at night before work, while I make my coffee, is I go say good night to my kids while they are asleep (since they haven’t seen me in a week either). I only hope this gives her the time she needs to maybe miss me and give me a chance. It feels like I have the answers to a big test that no one knows about and I am not being allowed to take the test because I might actually pass.

[hurts1968]

Its actually quite hard not to be around my kids, nor my wife. Our separation has been going on since first week of January and I have spent several weekends and now this last week in a hotel, alone; thinking of everything that I had done that brought us to this situation. I firmly believe in that time I have changed for the better, realized what I had done, and even suffered as the last two months she has made me feel the way she did from me. Making me do all the house work, perform all the school functions with the kids, extra activities; and I never once said anything about it because I believe that I had to experience what I put her through if I was going to change and understand that I could never be like that to her again.

We too had plans this weekend, or I did as a surprise for her. Yesterday was our 9th anniversary, and for it I planned a huge weekend trip to a romantic castle hotel on the east coast of the UK, this was all before we separated. Now, she is going with a girlfriend while I get to stay home with the kids. As bad as that sounds I’m looking forward to the time with them, and as even worse as it sounds, I’d rather spend it with her. The trip was something unexpected to her because I had never really been like that, I also bought her a 2k black diamond ring she has always wanted, I was actually going to propose to her again on the trip, and re-promise to her I would love her like I never had before but to which I had promised the first time.

I’m also doing the 180 as best I can, about to hit day 5 of not interacting with her (and its killing me), and middle of next week I am moving in with a friend and staying at his place for probably a few weeks. The only way I am getting by is when I come home at night before work, while I make my coffee, is I go say good night to my kids while they are asleep (since they haven’t seen me in a week either). I only hope this gives her the time she needs to maybe miss me and give me a chance. It feels like I have the answers to a big test that no one knows about and I am not being allowed to take the test because I might actually pass.

 

 

I feel for you, I really do...you sound like you are stronger than me at this moment in time.

I am actually still in the house, family is spread everywhere and my 2 close friends are kinda going through similar things so can't really go to theirs much.

 

My STBXW is not grasping the money situation at present...she runs a childminding business from home so is desperate to stay, but even with spousal/child maintenance and me paying half the mortgage she won't be able to but is burying her head in the sand.

 

Would love to think that when I move out or she does that the reality of the situation will hot home and she might think more about what we had than the things she says I have done to her....but I'm not sure that will happen.

[Scott0310]

You never know, it might help, but it might not do anything either. At least you have the possible luxury of letting her experience being alone without you, maybe leaving her to miss you and want to talk. My STBXW on the other hand is very self-sufficient, me being in the military, she's had to be. Often I might be gone for upwards of 6 months, 2 years ago I did a year away in Korea, while she took care of our 1 year old girl, and 5 year old boy. I wouldnt be able to move out and let her sweat because she can do just fine without me. Although she doesnt hold a job, we live in Govt housing, and have very few bills (cell phone, tv, internet), which is why I'm moving in with a friend. If I rented a place on my own, I would be using what money I do make and spending it on a second home, leaving her and my kids to suffer. Only thing I can hope for is the time alone allow her to think, and God willing, give me a second chance.