I dont want to lose my marriage...

[hurts1968]

You never know, it might help, but it might not do anything either. At least you have the possible luxury of letting her experience being alone without you, maybe leaving her to miss you and want to talk. My STBXW on the other hand is very self-sufficient, me being in the military, she's had to be. Often I might be gone for upwards of 6 months, 2 years ago I did a year away in Korea, while she took care of our 1 year old girl, and 5 year old boy. I wouldnt be able to move out and let her sweat because she can do just fine without me. Although she doesnt hold a job, we live in Govt housing, and have very few bills (cell phone, tv, internet), which is why I'm moving in with a friend. If I rented a place on my own, I would be using what money I do make and spending it on a second home, leaving her and my kids to suffer. Only thing I can hope for is the time alone allow her to think, and God willing, give me a second chance.

 

 

 

Really I'm still wishing that she has a change of heart! I know deep down that this is never going to happen but I just can't get give up!

 

I'm just not in a position to move out, guess I am terrified of being alone (never been alone before) but more than anything can't even let the thought of not been there every night for my little girl enter my head!!

 

Despite everything my feelings for her have not changed one little bit, she knows that i am there if ever she changes her mind, maybe that's what is giving her the confidence to do what she is doing...would love to try NC to see if that made a difference but it's not really an option.

[Scott0310]

Really I'm still wishing that she has a change of heart! I know deep down that this is never going to happen but I just can't get give up!

 

I'm just not in a position to move out, guess I am terrified of being alone (never been alone before) but more than anything can't even let the thought of not been there every night for my little girl enter my head!!

 

Despite everything my feelings for her have not changed one little bit, she knows that i am there if ever she changes her mind, maybe that's what is giving her the confidence to do what she is doing...would love to try NC to see if that made a difference but it's not really an option.

 

I promise that you sticking around doing what you are doing is giveing her that confidence. Being in the military has gotten me used to leaving my family often, so me moving a few miles away doesnt effect me in the same way it would a "normal person" and by normal, I mean regular lives lol, not lives where youre here one night and tomorrow youre packing your bags and are gone for afew months.

 

In a vote for an ego boost, try moving in with a single buddy, even if close by the house, it might show your wife your the man, and can convey to your little girl, if she is old enough, you are strong and would be willing to sacrifice to save your family.

[Scott0310]

So here I am again to post another vent! And to keep this tread alive lol. Wife and I keep having ups and downs, we’ll be fine for several days at a time, than something stupid (usually meant to be innocent) happens and then we are at that awkward stage of being separated and not talking. The 180 kind of works sometimes but I’m about to see how the NC part works.

 

 

 

This weekend I will be moving in with a buddy, I’m doing this because I cant take the double edge sword anymore, its ok for her to make jokes and throw things in my face, but its NOT ok for me to even kind of mention anything. She doesn’t like when I bring up asking a question about the guy she dated, but its ok for her to constantly mention the possibility of a divorce. I usually end up walking on egg shells because I’m not sure what I can talk about, but also I’m trying to be supportive and do as much around the house as possible, I do these things of my own free will without asking for help because I’m trying to prove to her I’m “better” however, in doing so I usually only get a couple hours of sleep a day, I cant even tell you WHEN I get sleep, but its typically less than 4 hours a day. I don’t really mind because I feel like I’m making progress with myself and with “US” but she’ll get mad when I do this because she tells me all the time I don’t “have” to do it, but then I never find her doing the chores while I’m sleeping or at work. I Don’t have to but she’s not volunteering to do it without me asking. I’m not allowed to bring this up because she feels that I am throwing it in her face about everything, but she’s allowed to constantly bring up the possibility of a divorce (knowing full well I don’t want one, and talking about it makes ME feel bad).

 

 

 

I am starting to ponder losing her and the kids as I am about to file the paperwork because I don’t think I can take this anymore, I DON’T want to lose her or my kids, but I feel like the harder I try the deeper the grave I dig for myself. She keeps telling me she needs time and space, and I’m giving that to her, but I am just not sure if I am strong enough anymore to keep fighting for something that I’m not sure is even really there anymore. Let’s say we do work things out, all the stories I’ve read about couples being stronger after reconciling even with cheating/affairs involved, how does the person who was cheated on feel?

 

 

 

So much of this I can’t get out of my mind, will she still be satisfied with me, can I still surprise her? Woo her? Excite her? These thoughts weigh heavily on my mind every day and I am afraid they may remain if she “takes me back” but at this point its really me taking her back.

[teerockness]

You said, "the harder I try, the deeper a grave I dig for myself."

 

I couldn't agree more. I really think you need to research the 180. I believe it is stickied at the top of this forum for quick reference.

 

Essentially, she's lost respect for you on some level. The harder you 'try' to be a better husband, lover, etc. the more she sees you as a pretender, actor, faker. Likewise, the more she sees you as having no backbone, which in turn makes you less attractive.

 

I know the 180 is potentially more relevant for a cheating spouse, but there are some parallels in your situation as obviously, she had the "quickie" fling and that has more or less indicated she is willing to play the field while you're still married (wha?)

 

You get the point. I'm not judging; I'd just like to see you get your back off the wall and project a stronger person to her and to yourself.

 

Good luck brother, stay strong.

[Scott0310]

Tee,

 

Actually I know about the 180, and I have tried to institute what parts of it I can. Though usually when I do something happens and it cancels it. For example; this last weekend I finally moved out, before I was staying for 4-5 days at a time at the hotel on base here, usually staying away, not even talking to her…though at night before work I’d still go back to make my coffee. This time I actually packed my crap and out the door I went. Live almost an hour away.

 

I was gone one full day before she called me and said I need to come home and help deal with the kids. They I guess, were driving her up the wall. She didn’t like it when I told her that its going to me more common especially since she wants to divorce me that this happens, and I wont be there to help out. Not because I don’t want to, but because if we divorce, her visa here to the UK is revoked and she has to leave back to the states. And she wont be able to call me and tell me to take the kids.

 

 

At this point I’m just pissed off, she’s playing me like that using the kids, she wants her time apart, and I mean physically apart so she can think things through, ok, got it. But don’t call me the day after I leave to come back and help with **** and not expect me to be upset and say something. Today after work, I’m going to head straight back to my buddy’s house and not even stop by here, nor tell her what is going on. I’m through trying to give her what she wants and having to deal with constant attempts of trying only to have it be shot down.

 

 

 

Its not too long before I put my name back in the hat for Orders to Korea and then I WILL be gone for a year with nothing for her to do about it.

[Scott0310]

So a day after my last post, I came home from living with a friend for a few weeks. I only came back because the distance he lived from base made it hard to participate in the kid's activities AND get enough sleep for work, I found myself staying at home on soccer/gymnastic days. So I come home and I tell her I am done pursuing her and I am essentially "giving up" on trying to get her to take me back. I am emotionally and physically exhausted, I get on average 2 hours of sleep a day, totaling about 7 or 8 a week due to all the extra stuff at home i've been doing trying to convince her. I told her i was done, and that for right now, we cant be friends, because I think her wanting to be friends was messing me up and thats when I would fall and 'beg" her for a chance.

 

So anyway, the day after I told her this, now Apr3rd or 4th I think, she comes up to me holds me and says she wants to give MC a real chance. I'm not going to lie when I say now even I dont know if I want to fully go through with it. Told her ok. Later she reminded me about the Atari's (punk band) show down in London next weekend, and asked if she could stay the night to go to the town open market the next morning, I told her sure, but why not go down as a fam just to get out of the house for a weekend. She made up a few excuses why she didnt want to, and finally caved and told me it was she wants a day alone, away from the kids and me to really think abut us (I think things are kind of going positively). I told her that was the truth response I wanted this whole time, stop trying to make me feel better and being so mean and instead tell me the truth, THAT I will be ok with. I told her I was happy with that reason and said have fun. I think this shocked her as she probably expected me to get mad or something.

[hurts1968]

So a day after my last post, I came home from living with a friend for a few weeks. I only came back because the distance he lived from base made it hard to participate in the kid's activities AND get enough sleep for work, I found myself staying at home on soccer/gymnastic days. So I come home and I tell her I am done pursuing her and I am essentially "giving up" on trying to get her to take me back. I am emotionally and physically exhausted, I get on average 2 hours of sleep a day, totaling about 7 or 8 a week due to all the extra stuff at home i've been doing trying to convince her. I told her i was done, and that for right now, we cant be friends, because I think her wanting to be friends was messing me up and thats when I would fall and 'beg" her for a chance.

 

So anyway, the day after I told her this, now Apr3rd or 4th I think, she comes up to me holds me and says she wants to give MC a real chance. I'm not going to lie when I say now even I dont know if I want to fully go through with it. Told her ok. Later she reminded me about the Atari's (punk band) show down in London next weekend, and asked if she could stay the night to go to the town open market the next morning, I told her sure, but why not go down as a fam just to get out of the house for a weekend. She made up a few excuses why she didnt want to, and finally caved and told me it was she wants a day alone, away from the kids and me to really think abut us (I think things are kind of going positively). I told her that was the truth response I wanted this whole time, stop trying to make me feel better and being so mean and instead tell me the truth, THAT I will be ok with. I told her I was happy with that reason and said have fun. I think this shocked her as she probably expected me to get mad or something.

 

Good Luck mate, I hope you get what you want...whatever that might be.

 

I can only wish that my STBXW would give us another chance, spent the early hours of this morning splitting the current account, paying off all the debts in readiness of her leaving in a week.

 

Good Luck!!!

[Scott0310]

So we start Marriage Counseling tomorrow, well maybe; have to find a sitter on short notice for the kids. It seems the school has a teach meeting day and there is no school...Bugger! I'm not sure what all to expect from the counseling and have way too much to say. I know it can be a drawn out process but I just have so much I need to let out. I'm not even planning on this working now, I almost feel over the past few weeks that my heart for my wife has all but collapsed and I do not know if it can be mended. I dont even know what my response would be if she asked me right now to give US another chance, if I said yes, there is alot of things which we would have to talk about, things which would require a counselor anyway, or at the least a mediator, to help guide us on the process of recovery.

 

If I may ask, what are some other peoples experience with marriage counseling?

[Scott0310]

Hurts,

 

That sucks dude, I dont want to get your hopes up but that doesnt mean its over. I've seen quite a few friends, who's career field like mine, broke up their marriages, only to have the spouse leave and then return after a while. A period of time for them to really miss each other. However not really knowing your situation....but thats what the pubs are for, am I right? lol.

 

Took me almost 8 pints a few weeks ago to try and get lost, barkeep almost cut me off because he knew what I was doing lol, but my buddies convinced him to let me go.

 

Teerockness, You'll have to scroll through to find out, I've tried to do parts of the 180, that's whats allowed us to move into counseling as opposed to her leaving. Although still at the same time, its impossible to go NC as we still live in the same house, (tried to move out, diff story) and I cant ignore her or the kids. If I could deploy or something that would be my only excuse to get away with full NC, but than I'd still want to see/talk to the kids. At this point we simply try to avoid any discussion not related to them or what our counselor is telling us to do.

[Scott0310]

So I've recently (as of this week) discovered my wife might be seeing someone new...again. After what we went through when she dated someone a few months ago, she is now chatting with another guy. I wanted to know for sure so I broke into her computer and discovered a **** ton of nude photos she's taking over the past several months, and a few nude ones of this new guy he sent her just the other day. She also sent a picture of the kid (11 years younger than her) to her mom via facebook.

 

We've been in MC for about a month now, 2 good sessions, and 2 bad ones. I was told to basicly stop trying so hard and give her the time she needs to open back up to me, I dont know what he said to her as he had to seperate us for a bit. I am all about given up, I cant take anymore her secrecy and deciet. She hides her phone and ipod from me when I walk in (to which she also has password protected), about two weeks ago I walked into the bedroom, and somehow she didnt see nor hear me and when I walked past she was startled and quickly covered her ipod of which I saw I think a nude picture of some guy, and she just laughed it off as nothing, when I asked if she was trading nude photos, she said no; I think I'd be less mad that she is sending pictures but more mad that she never did that for me (I'm military and often in the past was gone and asked her for proficitive photots, and never got any as she said she's really insecure about her body). The counslor keeps telling me to give her the benfit of the doubt (he doesnt know about any of this, and I think I might bring it up tomorrow at our next session). The only way I can give her the benfit of the doubt is to see her stuff, although I am pretty sure I know what I'll find. One of photos I saw of this new kid was a picture of his smaller than mine penis, with the caption "I cant wait to use this tomorrow" (today).

 

I dont know how to bring any of this up, at first during our separation I tried to believe her but now I'm just tired of this ****. I still dont want a divorce but I'm tired of the games shes playing. When I tell her this she says she's not playing gamse, she's too old for it (31 in my eyes is not too old), upon which she usually tells me to just think what i'm going to think; doesnt try to defend herself at all, which to me is another sign things are wrong. If you have to quickly hide something, nor defend yourself when asked the questions, to me thats guilty. I just dont know what to do anymore and I have to put an end to this.

[worldgonewrong]

If you still don't want a divorce, even in the face of overwhelming proof that your wife thinks you're a chump, then you're being a masochist. Respect yourself, for God's sake.

Your latest update sickened me, re her.

END this sick stuff. NOW.

Wake up, man.

[OnwardandUpward]

Scott I have my own mysery i am attending too so my thoughts are not exactly right but in my way of thinking - as a woman - from reading your last post - she is having an affair but holding onto you to keep the stability in her life. Money - food - roof over your head. She is having her cake and eating it. She is either having sex with someone or setting herself up to.

 

She is not seeing you as a man - she is seeing you as stability while has has her fun.

 

I wouldn't think to tell someone this because of the pain it causes but from your last post - i would say you are being played.

[oldshirt]

- as a woman - from reading your last post - she is having an affair but holding onto you to keep the stability in her life. Money - food - roof over your head. She is having her cake and eating it.

 

 

 

 

She is not seeing you as a man - she is seeing you as stability while has has her fun.

.

 

 

 

 

 

This is exactly what is taking place here^^^^^^^^^^^^

 

 

She is using you for a roof and resources and stability/security but she doesn't love or desire you so she is getting her fun and excitement and sexuality elsewhere.

 

 

You can't "nice" her into desiring you. Counseling cannot make her respect and desire you.

 

 

She is doing other guys and doing things with them she won't do with you. I am not sure you can stop that at this point. But you don't have to pay for it and you don't have to support her while she's doing it.

 

 

Cut her off from the payroll and the gravy-train. Kick her out. File for divorce and let her do whatever she wants without you footing the bill.

 

 

Then you can start your own life and do what you want without having her dragging you down.

 

 

Of course you will have to pay child support etc but you don't have provide aid and comfort to her while she's playing you for a fool.

[2sunny]

So I've recently (as of this week) discovered my wife might be seeing someone new...again. After what we went through when she dated someone a few months ago, she is now chatting with another guy. I wanted to know for sure so I broke into her computer and discovered a **** ton of nude photos she's taking over the past several months, and a few nude ones of this new guy he sent her just the other day. She also sent a picture of the kid (11 years younger than her) to her mom via facebook.

 

We've been in MC for about a month now, 2 good sessions, and 2 bad ones. I was told to basicly stop trying so hard and give her the time she needs to open back up to me, I dont know what he said to her as he had to seperate us for a bit. I am all about given up, I cant take anymore her secrecy and deciet. She hides her phone and ipod from me when I walk in (to which she also has password protected), about two weeks ago I walked into the bedroom, and somehow she didnt see nor hear me and when I walked past she was startled and quickly covered her ipod of which I saw I think a nude picture of some guy, and she just laughed it off as nothing, when I asked if she was trading nude photos, she said no; I think I'd be less mad that she is sending pictures but more mad that she never did that for me (I'm military and often in the past was gone and asked her for proficitive photots, and never got any as she said she's really insecure about her body). The counslor keeps telling me to give her the benfit of the doubt (he doesnt know about any of this, and I think I might bring it up tomorrow at our next session). The only way I can give her the benfit of the doubt is to see her stuff, although I am pretty sure I know what I'll find. One of photos I saw of this new kid was a picture of his smaller than mine penis, with the caption "I cant wait to use this tomorrow" (today).

 

I dont know how to bring any of this up, at first during our separation I tried to believe her but now I'm just tired of this ****. I still dont want a divorce but I'm tired of the games shes playing. When I tell her this she says she's not playing gamse, she's too old for it (31 in my eyes is not too old), upon which she usually tells me to just think what i'm going to think; doesnt try to defend herself at all, which to me is another sign things are wrong. If you have to quickly hide something, nor defend yourself when asked the questions, to me thats guilty. I just dont know what to do anymore and I have to put an end to this.

 

She's got her line in the water to find another man. She's willing to degrade herself to get one by sending nude pictures. That's a gal fishing for sex not a real relationship.

 

File for divorce - knowing full well that she's acting like trash and you deserve better than that.

 

And no more MC - you can't fix a cheater when they aren't willing to be honest.

[soccerrprp]

After reading this, I am ever more confident in my decision to NEVER reconcile after infidelity has occurred. No need for MC, no second chances, the relationship is over. Ugh.

[Scott0310]

Thats pretty much whats happening, yeah sure give me crap for wanting to fix my marriage, but today at MC, she got caught in a slip. Since we both decided to live apart for a while and see where things go (I do and dont care what she does on her own ya know?) she has pretty much stated she wants me to not help her, she wants to try on her own and if she fails...she fails. Well today she told the MC'ler I pretty much just want her to fail, then at the end of the topic she states she just wants to try and make it on her own and if she fails, she fails....I lost it, and finally the MC'ler saw what I've been going through, and understands.

 

I'm done. I miss my wife, I love her, but now this **** can be someone elses problem. Now I just have to figure out what to do with my kids, keeping in mind I'm military, overseas, not as easy as most people think.