Not Sure About Things

[cedes121]

well my LDB used to be in the army, and now is on a soccer team in London. now we hardly talk and don't get to skpe. he has a daughter who was born September of last year. we been together for a year now. we have had our ups and downs. well he recently got offered to get paid more and also the team would pay to move his daughter and the mother to London so he could be apart of her life. I just got an email from him saying that he has decided to take the offers. im happy that he will get to be with his daughter, but im sad that with this decision it means that it will be longer for us to meet in person, and that we are going to become even more distant. I love him, but im not sure about our relationship. like I want us to work, but with his schedule now is hard on us. but with his daughter in the equation it will be even harder. I don't mean to sound selfish because I know that she comes first, but I would love to have some of his attention as well.

[ExpatInItaly]

You haven't met him in person...

 

I'm sorry OP, but his story sounds off to me. He's playing soccer in London? For whom? They are paying for him and his estranged baby mama to move to London too? I don't know about that. Are you 100% sure he's actually single?

[justwhoiam]

Without beating around the bush, he impregnated a woman, while he was talking to you. And he asked you to be his girlfriend about the time she found out she was pregnant.

 

There are major problems in all that, unless you are able to explain to me how all that happened.

[nomadic_butterfly]

well my LDB used to be in the army, and now is on a soccer team in London. now we hardly talk and don't get to skpe. he has a daughter who was born September of last year. we been together for a year now. we have had our ups and downs. well he recently got offered to get paid more and also the team would pay to move his daughter and the mother to London so he could be apart of her life. I just got an email from him saying that he has decided to take the offers. im happy that he will get to be with his daughter, but im sad that with this decision it means that it will be longer for us to meet in person, and that we are going to become even more distant. I love him, but im not sure about our relationship. like I want us to work, but with his schedule now is hard on us. but with his daughter in the equation it will be even harder. I don't mean to sound selfish because I know that she comes first, but I would love to have some of his attention as well.

 

How old are you? I am guessing/hoping on the younger side. First of all, you never met and that is clearly not your boyfriend. Perhaps he was bored and unfortunately online (and sometimes real life) has jerks that will waste one's time and prey upon the emotionally vulnerable.

 

While it's hard for me to love a man romantically whom I've never met, I am sure things can take place to make one feel as though it is love. I wont judge your feelings because they belong to you and cannot be dictated by anyone else.

 

He clearly was dating her all along; they are a family and you need to move on with your live. Wish them the best and send positive energy and best wishes in their direction because if they can be functional, it is best for the child. Find someone close. I and a host of other people on here agree that if you cannot meet within about 3 month time frame, 9 out of 10 times it is best to move on. It's unhealthy to build love/feelings upon something with no real world foundation. You could be so vested, meet up, and something isn't there or you wont be in the same place at the same time within a reasonable time frame, they could have bad hygiene, be rude to others, selfish lover, already married/in a relationship,etc. You just can't know everything online!

[cedes121]

he didn't know about the baby until after the girl found out the gender and it was 2 months after we started talking.

[cedes121]

im 18. we were both bored and online. when we met we both didn't think that it was going to go any further from that night until we continued to talk online and had very good conversation. so he asked for my number and Skype name. we texted all day and skyped every night. he would tell his friends about me. i recently found out from his friend back from where he used to live that he would talk about me, say how much he loved me, and showed him a picture of me. i have already told my LDB that it was probably better for his daughter to have her parents together, but he told me that i was right but they aren't meant to be together. i may be young, but im not stupid. i do think things through. like i know our situation doesn't quit add up. but, then i do think that since he has stuck around through all my mistakes this past year tthen i shouldn't give up so easily. i know for a fact no man would stick around with someone knowing that they had an off and on guy OR that they recently had a boyfriend for 4 months and barley told them. yes i have experienced having a close relationship with someone and i barely told him about it. but that relationship is over. and he still stuck around. he told me that he was hurt but that he wanted us to get over it so we have. i have considered that maybe if we did meet that there would be some things that i didn't like about him and vice versa, but there is no harm in trying things out and seeing how it goes. that's why i really want to meet him in person soon. i have done my research and looked into how much it would cost for a round trip and it is really expensive and would take more than 3 months to save up for.

[cedes121]

yes in London. im not sure what team he is playing for. i know it's not like professional. But he has sent me pictures of him at his practice, him and his friends. yes i am 100% sure he is single. if he wasn't i don't think he would be telling his good friend that he loves me and all that stuff.

[soccerrprp]

yes in London. im not sure what team he is playing for. i know it's not like professional. But he has sent me pictures of him at his practice, him and his friends. yes i am 100% sure he is single. if he wasn't i don't think he would be telling his good friend that he loves me and all that stuff.

 

This all sounds fishy. How do you know that his best friend knows about the two of you?

 

You haven't even met one another yet????? Let him go.

[ExpatInItaly]

im 18. we were both bored and online. when we met we both didn't think that it was going to go any further from that night until we continued to talk online and had very good conversation. so he asked for my number and Skype name. we texted all day and skyped every night. he would tell his friends about me. i recently found out from his friend back from where he used to live that he would talk about me, say how much he loved me, and showed him a picture of me. i have already told my LDB that it was probably better for his daughter to have her parents together, but he told me that i was right but they aren't meant to be together. i may be young, but im not stupid. i do think things through. like i know our situation doesn't quit add up. but, then i do think that since he has stuck around through all my mistakes this past year tthen i shouldn't give up so easily. i know for a fact no man would stick around with someone knowing that they had an off and on guy OR that they recently had a boyfriend for 4 months and barley told them. yes i have experienced having a close relationship with someone and i barely told him about it. but that relationship is over. and he still stuck around. he told me that he was hurt but that he wanted us to get over it so we have. i have considered that maybe if we did meet that there would be some things that i didn't like about him and vice versa, but there is no harm in trying things out and seeing how it goes. that's why i really want to meet him in person soon. i have done my research and looked into how much it would cost for a round trip and it is really expensive and would take more than 3 months to save up for.

 

How has he stuck around when you've conducted this relationship purely on the internet? There's no relationship to stick around for, per se. All he has to do is chat, message, Skype, etc. That's really not requiring a lot of someone and certainly doesn't constitute "sticking around."

 

Also, OP, lots of men will stick around for an ego-boost. If you're giving them validation and a distraction and admiration, guys like him will indeed keep you on the hook while they conduct real-life relationships. It happens all the time; have you never read the hundreds of other posts just like yours here on this forum?

 

Ask him the name of the team he plays for. It is extremely easy to check into that and see if he really does play for them. It is also relatively easy to find out whether a non-professional team would fund him and his family to move and live in London (which is really not likely) The more likely scenario is that he moved there with his baby and girlfriend.

 

Out of curiosity, where are you located? How do you know his friend? Does he know you want to go there and visit him? I know you've done your research on flight costs, but you really should be doing your research on him. Doesn't sound legit to me.

[cedes121]

This all sounds fishy. How do you know that his best friend knows about the two of you?

 

You haven't even met one another yet????? Let him go.

i know that his best friend knows about us because I have texted his friend thinking that it was his number but turned out it was his friend's and he asked who it was and I told him my name and he said that he has heard of me and about me. I know im getting told to let him go, but I don't want to just give up that easily.

[cedes121]

How has he stuck around when you've conducted this relationship purely on the internet? There's no relationship to stick around for, per se. All he has to do is chat, message, Skype, etc. That's really not requiring a lot of someone and certainly doesn't constitute "sticking around."

 

Also, OP, lots of men will stick around for an ego-boost. If you're giving them validation and a distraction and admiration, guys like him will indeed keep you on the hook while they conduct real-life relationships. It happens all the time; have you never read the hundreds of other posts just like yours here on this forum?

 

Ask him the name of the team he plays for. It is extremely easy to check into that and see if he really does play for them. It is also relatively easy to find out whether a non-professional team would fund him and his family to move and live in London (which is really not likely) The more likely scenario is that he moved there with his baby and girlfriend.

 

Out of curiosity, where are you located? How do you know his friend? Does he know you want to go there and visit him? I know you've done your research on flight costs, but you really should be doing your research on him. Doesn't sound legit to me.

I know sticking around does not take much effort but I feel like he would not keep in contact if there wasn't true feelings. with all that is being said I am beginning to rethink everything. like maybe I am too over my head about us, and the situation. I will ask him the team name. the team isn't funding him and his daughter and the mother to live there. they are just going to pay to get them there. I live in California. I know his friend because I contacted him from a number I had. I did send him d an email saying that I wanted to maybe visit some day since I know he woldnt want to leave his baby. my story doesn't sound legit to most people that I talk to about the whole thing.

[ExpatInItaly]

I know sticking around does not take much effort but I feel like he would not keep in contact if there wasn't true feelings. with all that is being said I am beginning to rethink everything. like maybe I am too over my head about us, and the situation. I will ask him the team name. the team isn't funding him and his daughter and the mother to live there. they are just going to pay to get them there. I live in California. I know his friend because I contacted him from a number I had. I did send him d an email saying that I wanted to maybe visit some day since I know he woldnt want to leave his baby. my story doesn't sound legit to most people that I talk to about the whole thing.

 

And how did he respond to your suggestion for a visit?

 

Also, how on earth would you have his friend's number, thinking it's his? That doesn't make a lot of sense. Did he give you that number? I strongly encourage you to read other threads here, very similar to yours. This might at least allow you see that plenty of people will say anything to keep you hooked, especially if you've never even met them.

 

OP, I think you're believing almost everything he says without really investigating who this person is. Where does he say he's from? How old is he? If he doesn't play sports professionally, he'd need another source of income. I say this knowing two men who play soccer semi-pro here in Italy, and they both work other jobs to support themselves. What's his job?

[HeavenOrHell]

You don't know if they're 'true feelings' until you meet.

[cedes121]

How has he stuck around when you've conducted this relationship purely on the internet? There's no relationship to stick around for, per se. All he has to do is chat, message, Skype, etc. That's really not requiring a lot of someone and certainly doesn't constitute "sticking around."

 

Also, OP, lots of men will stick around for an ego-boost. If you're giving them validation and a distraction and admiration, guys like him will indeed keep you on the hook while they conduct real-life relationships. It happens all the time; have you never read the hundreds of other posts just like yours here on this forum?

 

Ask him the name of the team he plays for. It is extremely easy to check into that and see if he really does play for them. It is also relatively easy to find out whether a non-professional team would fund him and his family to move and live in London (which is really not likely) The more likely scenario is that he moved there with his baby and girlfriend.

 

Out of curiosity, where are you located? How do you know his friend? Does he know you want to go there and visit him? I know you've done your research on flight costs, but you really should be doing your research on him. Doesn't sound legit to me.

he hasn't responded to my email yet. it was his number at first, but then one day i got the urge to text the number because i wasn't sure if he would get the text and i was having thoughts bout just going separate way due to the fact that i didn't hear from him in a while at that time. i know it sounds fishy that his friend has his number. he said he is from tenesse, but when we met and when he was in the army he was stationed in Colorado. he just turned 23. idk his job. we hardly talk much. so i don't get to really ask questions. and plus a for a few months i was occupied with what was going on with my life and was in a relationship. but with this it is now raising questions that i have been wondering but now this time they wont leave my head so i will be asking for sure.

[cedes121]

You don't know if they're 'true feelings' until you meet.

yes exactly why i want to hurry and meet. so i know if the feelings are real.

[ExpatInItaly]

OP, all the suspicions and questions you have are reasons not to go and meet this guy. You're really considering flying half-way around the world and spending a ton of money for someone who's so shady-sounding? If you're not talking much these days, why would you bother with this?

 

I'd say if he hasn't responded to your email suggesting that you go there, he's not too keen for you to come. I just think you're very young, and there are so many holes in his story (his old number is now his friend's? Yeah, right. Does he even live in London? How do you know?) ...you need to be very, very careful. I wouldn't be going off alone to meet him, that's for damn sure.

[justwhoiam]

idk his job. we hardly talk much. so i don't get to really ask questions. and plus a for a few months i was occupied with what was going on with my life and was in a relationship.

Wait a second... is this a case of poltergeist? Didn't you said you had been "together" for a year? Now you say you were in a relationship in the meantime?

 

Is this a case of catfish meets catfish?

[justwhoiam]

And please, don't call him your boyfriend. It takes the meaning of the word out of it.

 

You don't know if he works and what he does for a living. You don't know his home address, you have a phone number that was supposed to be his, and turns out it's a friend's number. And you even hardly talk to him.

 

Let's give words their real meaning, for heaven's sake.

[cedes121]

OP, all the suspicions and questions you have are reasons not to go and meet this guy. You're really considering flying half-way around the world and spending a ton of money for someone who's so shady-sounding? If you're not talking much these days, why would you bother with this?

 

I'd say if he hasn't responded to your email suggesting that you go there, he's not too keen for you to come. I just think you're very young, and there are so many holes in his story (his old number is now his friend's? Yeah, right. Does he even live in London? How do you know?) ...you need to be very, very careful. I wouldn't be going off alone to meet him, that's for damn sure.

yeah I get what you mean. I guess there is a part of me that wants things to work out. but im thinking about ending it with him. this has opened up my eyes. I guess I been avoiding the obvious cause I wwas having high hopes about us.

[cedes121]

Wait a second... is this a case of poltergeist? Didn't you said you had been "together" for a year? Now you say you were in a relationship in the meantime?

 

Is this a case of catfish meets catfish?

well okay yes we are not really boyfriend girlfriend, but it felt like that, and I didn't really want to explain everything so its easier saying boyfriend. it is not catfish meet catfish because we are both aware of what the other looks like since we skyped many times. and he knows bout the past relationship and also about my on and off guy that I was involved with when we first started talking. so I have been honest with him. im pretty sure the meaning of being a catfish is that you LIE about who you are and so forth. yes, he may have lied about some stuff, but I know that he is a real person and that he was in the army. I believe that if I want to call him my boyfriend I can. I came on here to seek help that I cant get from my friends because they don't know what im going though. I do not call him my boyfriend to them cause I know how they would react, exactly like you. but I feel as if if I feel like we are in a relationship and act like a couple then I have the right to say wether he is my boyfriend or not. and it's just easier to say that rather to be like "oh this guy who I have strong feelings for and been talking to for year". but thanks for the correction I will keep that in mind.

[justwhoiam]

well okay yes we are not really boyfriend girlfriend, but it felt like that

We are being objective. Even when it might be hurtful to read, please welcome any outside perspective you are receiving.

 

I didn't really want to explain everything

Well, you omitted an important part to give one's opinion: that you had a local relationship while talking to him and considering him as a romantic partner, and he might have done the same with you.

 

it is not catfish meet catfish because we are both aware of what the other looks like since we skyped many times

Being a catfish is not about taking other people's looks and make them one's own, it's making up a fake identity for oneself, be it about looks, name, career, younameit, some or all of them together.

 

im pretty sure the meaning of being a catfish is that you LIE about who you are

I'm trying to put myself in your shoes, but really I can't. I'd like to know - at this point - if other girls would not ask what the guy does for a living, where he lives and if it gets to the point that there is romantic involvement, if they wouldn't ask for his home address. To me, this is all about basics, without which nothing could ever start. So my comments wanted to point out how you announce your unconditional trust about someone you know nothing about, you don't know what he does, where he lives, his phone number(s), local friends, colleagues or team buddies, family... And then you add you don't feel like asking or hadn't had a chance because after all you barely talk to him.......... I hope you understand that all of this doesn't add up, for the drive you are showing about him and even to go visit him..........

 

he may have lied about some stuff

That's very likely, and I'm glad you're admitting to it. It shows some rational thought.

 

I know that he is a real person and that he was in the army

That's too little, honestly, for someone you'd consider being your boyfriend or living together with.

 

I believe that if I want to call him my boyfriend I can

You can call him your father too. But words have meanings we cannot reinvent to our own liking. As you could call Brad Pitt your boyfriend, still he wouldn't be that just because you call him by that name. I hope I made my point.

 

I came on here to seek help

What I would suggest now is that you start checking information on him. So that you find proof of the info he gave you to see if he's saying the truth. There are some websites online that can provide you with real information if you give them: name, last name, birthdate (or age at least), nationality, and any useful information you can supply.

If he writes you emails, you could also check where he's writing from, by the IP address he's using. In short, start searching and verifying everything. Does he have a facebook page? Is his child's mother on there?

 

I feel like we are in a relationship and act like a couple

Would you consider yourself as being in a relationship or a couple with someone locally and not knowing much of anything about him? Not knowing where he lives and whom with?

[nomadic_butterfly]

yeah I get what you mean. I guess there is a part of me that wants things to work out. but im thinking about ending it with him. this has opened up my eyes. I guess I been avoiding the obvious cause I wwas having high hopes about us.

 

Sweetie pie, I don't say this AT ALL to be patronizing but you are only 18! I've made some of the biggest mistakes of my life such as choosing a college based on the man I thought I was going to marry and the end result was me going to a subpar rinky dink school that left me with 30k debt and limited job choices at the height of the recession because I never even applied to the best schools in my field. Not 1. I didn't apply to the in-state uni either where I'd of graduated debt free and most likely gotten a better job/job sooner because of the strong connections they had within my field.

 

All this is to say, don't be in a rush. My little sister is your age and I try to guide her because I love her so much and don't want to see her make some of my same dumb mistakes. If I could do it all over again (I'm 26) I would definitely slowwwwww down and do more of what is in my BEST INTERESTS. IF ever a time in your life to be selfish a little, it is NOW since you have no one else impacted by your decisions and it's about building a solid life for yourself.

 

When you start college I'm almost sure you'll meet a local guy without a baby mama and tons of drama, lies, and deception. Please do not waste your hard earned money on a futile situation. If you've already saved up, put at least half in a savings account and use the rest for something like a mini vacay with your best girlies. This guy doesn't take you seriously and there's waaayyyy to much baggage for a young girl with a full life ahead of you to take on!

[cedes121]

Sweetie pie, I don't say this AT ALL to be patronizing but you are only 18! I've made some of the biggest mistakes of my life such as choosing a college based on the man I thought I was going to marry and the end result was me going to a subpar rinky dink school that left me with 30k debt and limited job choices at the height of the recession because I never even applied to the best schools in my field. Not 1. I didn't apply to the in-state uni either where I'd of graduated debt free and most likely gotten a better job/job sooner because of the strong connections they had within my field.

 

All this is to say, don't be in a rush. My little sister is your age and I try to guide her because I love her so much and don't want to see her make some of my same dumb mistakes. If I could do it all over again (I'm 26) I would definitely slowwwwww down and do more of what is in my BEST INTERESTS. IF ever a time in your life to be selfish a little, it is NOW since you have no one else impacted by your decisions and it's about building a solid life for yourself.

 

When you start college I'm almost sure you'll meet a local guy without a baby mama and tons of drama, lies, and deception. Please do not waste your hard earned money on a futile situation. If you've already saved up, put at least half in a savings account and use the rest for something like a mini vacay with your best girlies. This guy doesn't take you seriously and there's waaayyyy to much baggage for a young girl with a full life ahead of you to take on!

well thank you for everything. you have opened my eyes A LOT! I did some research and I did find a facebook page of him and also found out he has a WIFE! im so upset with myself. I cant believe had myself fooled like that. all you were right and I feel so horrible for not believing you. I feel so stupid ): it disgusts me that he even did that. telling me he wanted to come visit, that he loved me, sent me racy pictures of himself to me, and just EVERYTHING. I was blinded by lies and everything. I feel so stupid I swear. I should of known. also it makes me sick that he told me that he wanted to MARRY me one day. like seriously who does that?!?!?! again im glad that I did come on here to get help cause it helped to realize the truth. I just don't get how someone can put up a front for a YEAR! I felt guilty for having a boyfriend and not telling him right away and it only lasted 4 months, but yet he's been married for a year and doesn't say a word! I know you and the other people on here thought I was stupid and I agree. I was stupid. this is a great lesson to learn from.

[justwhoiam]

I did some research and I did find a facebook page of him and also found out he has a WIFE!

I'm glad we could help. I know I insisted that you had to check about him, but looking at it from the outside, we sensed something was wrong, and it smelled like catfish.

 

he told me that he wanted to MARRY me one day.

You have every right to be upset about this. Just, know that men usually don't take things as seriously as women do. So men can say such things, without meaning it seriously, like I want to marry you in two years. No. I guess they don't fully realize the damage they can do. Because to them, it's no big deal. If they knew better, they would understand what that can mean for a woman, especially if she has fallen in love. But you should have gotten a clue with "one day". That meant "hypothetically speaking" or "I would if I could"... Anyway, it's not justifiable. It was just stupid of him.

 

Lesson learned. Now don't beat up yourself. Move on.

[nomadic_butterfly]

well thank you for everything. you have opened my eyes A LOT! I did some research and I did find a facebook page of him and also found out he has a WIFE! im so upset with myself. I cant believe had myself fooled like that. all you were right and I feel so horrible for not believing you. I feel so stupid ): it disgusts me that he even did that. telling me he wanted to come visit, that he loved me, sent me racy pictures of himself to me, and just EVERYTHING. I was blinded by lies and everything. I feel so stupid I swear. I should of known. also it makes me sick that he told me that he wanted to MARRY me one day. like seriously who does that?!?!?! again im glad that I did come on here to get help cause it helped to realize the truth. I just don't get how someone can put up a front for a YEAR! I felt guilty for having a boyfriend and not telling him right away and it only lasted 4 months, but yet he's been married for a year and doesn't say a word! I know you and the other people on here thought I was stupid and I agree. I was stupid. this is a great lesson to learn from.

 

Wow!! Glad to be of help and I'm sooooo relieved you found all this out before squandering your money. You are not so much stupid just maybe a bit naive which is understandable given your lack of worldly experiences; trust me a lot of waaayyy older people on here and whom I've known in real life have made even dumber mistakes. This was just a learning opportunity and it better to learn it while you're young than when you're old!

 

I wish you all the best and while the world has a lot of jerks, there's also a lot of good people out there too so never lose hope! Good luck!