Not Sure About Things

[cedes121]

I'm glad we could help. I know I insisted that you had to check about him, but looking at it from the outside, we sensed something was wrong, and it smelled like catfish.

 

You have every right to be upset about this. Just, know that men usually don't take things as seriously as women do. So men can say such things, without meaning it seriously, like I want to marry you in two years. No. I guess they don't fully realize the damage they can do. Because to them, it's no big deal. If they knew better, they would understand what that can mean for a woman, especially if she has fallen in love. But you should have gotten a clue with "one day". That meant "hypothetically speaking" or "I would if I could"... Anyway, it's not justifiable. It was just stupid of him.

 

Lesson learned. Now don't beat up yourself. Move on.

yeah guys just need to know that they shouldn't lie. he was the one who said "I love you" first and was the one who talked about marriage. im still in shock about it. I just wish I would of been smarter about things. I just don't understand any of this. like why would he just keep it going for a year? also I been trying to figure out where exactly she would be during the night time when we would Skype.

[cedes121]

Wow!! Glad to be of help and I'm sooooo relieved you found all this out before squandering your money. You are not so much stupid just maybe a bit naive which is understandable given your lack of worldly experiences; trust me a lot of waaayyy older people on here and whom I've known in real life have made even dumber mistakes. This was just a learning opportunity and it better to learn it while you're young than when you're old!

 

I wish you all the best and while the world has a lot of jerks, there's also a lot of good people out there too so never lose hope! Good luck!

im glad as well, but get this he isn't even in London. he is still in Colorado in the army.im just so sickened with him and the whole situation. like who can just live a double life like that? I found out that they have been married for a year in September. so when we met they weren't even married for 5 months. he has even left me voicemails when he was in "Germany". I want to tell his wife about what he has been doing bevause I feel as if she should know what has been going on. like I have screen shots of our conversations of him telling me he loves me and all these other things. im not sure if I should send her a message with the screen shots attached? he even asked me one time if I would be fine with being a step mom to his daughter at a young age. like he never told me the mother's name he always referred her as "Kylie's mom". I wish I wasn't so naïve. like I thought I wasn't but obviously I was. im still upset, hurt, and in shock. I just don't know what to do.

[nomadic_butterfly]

im glad as well, but get this he isn't even in London. he is still in Colorado in the army.im just so sickened with him and the whole situation. like who can just live a double life like that? I found out that they have been married for a year in September. so when we met they weren't even married for 5 months. he has even left me voicemails when he was in "Germany". I want to tell his wife about what he has been doing bevause I feel as if she should know what has been going on. like I have screen shots of our conversations of him telling me he loves me and all these other things. im not sure if I should send her a message with the screen shots attached? he even asked me one time if I would be fine with being a step mom to his daughter at a young age. like he never told me the mother's name he always referred her as "Kylie's mom". I wish I wasn't so naïve. like I thought I wasn't but obviously I was. im still upset, hurt, and in shock. I just don't know what to do.

 

Be rational about this. What would anyone have to gain by this revelation? With all due respect he never met you not did he even make any genuine effort to see you anyway. There's a child involved too. Just leave it alone. Honestly she will most likely forgive him anyway so it is pointless. He can simply say he was bored, never even met you or attempted to, she will forgive him nd move on.

 

No one has anything to gain from spilling to beans about some pseudo virtual relationship that never even came close to materializing. Of he is a cheater he will do so in real life and that cookie will eventually crumble. Leave him and it alone.

[justwhoiam]

I want to tell his wife

I don't know about this. If she has her own page on facebook, you can contact her. But you need to approach that with tact, as she's a victim just like you are.

If I were her, I would like to know. And if I were in your shoes and felt like she has to know, I would open a new email account and register a new facebook account with it, and then contact her. Don't make it obvious it's you, I mean, make it obvious it's a female's account, but not with your picture, name or other personal details. There's a slight chance he was doing the same with other girls.

And your tone shouldn't be accusatory, rather inquiring, like:

"Hi [her name],

 

Sorry for bothering you, but I have a few questions buzzing in my head. We don't know each other.

 

Are you Kylie's mom? Is it true that you were thinking of leaving Kylie to [his name]? And has there been a time when you were not living together with [his name]? Sorry if I'm asking you such personal questions, but I was wondering if what I heard is true."

 

And then you might get her answers, and new questions from her. So if you decide to get in touch with her, you need to be prepared to deal with that.

 

I partially agree with nomadic_butterfly, when she says you don't have much in your hands. He might have stolen someone else's identity altogether, where this woman's guy knows nothing about the identity theft. Unless you have a real phone number and you could call it and he was answering, and she said it's her husband's cell phone.

[nomadic_butterfly]

And your tone shouldn't be accusatory, rather inquiring, like:

"Hi [her name],

 

Sorry for bothering you, but I have a few questions buzzing in my head. We don't know each other.

 

Are you Kylie's mom? Is it true that you were thinking of leaving Kylie to [his name]? And has there been a time when you were not living together with [his name]? Sorry if I'm asking you such personal questions, but I was wondering if what I heard is true."

 

And then you might get her answers, and new questions from her. So if you decide to get in touch with her, you need to be prepared to deal with that..

 

What would be the odds of you answering if some completely random woman on Facebook nonetheless asked you these very personal and intrusive questions out of the blue? I don't think games are the mature way to handle these situations. I have had several confrontations of this nature in my life-time.

 

Once, I met a guy online when I was 17 (he was 26) who told me he was separated. I had no clue what that even meant at that age! I said, oh but you're not married right? He said no; how he used to be fat and his wife would be emotionally/verbally abusive; how she emptied his bank accounts; how he found emails of her hook ups with over THIRTY men. This was 10yrs ago so of course it took me a while to trust meeting someone online.

 

6 months into talking (and me turning 18), we met up for a date. Long story short, he was LAME and I had absolutely no interest and he said something disrespectful to me to show off in front of his friends on the phone and then I completely cut him off.

 

Less than two years later, I get a random email by some woman. He had told me before his "former" wife was mixed race so my gut told me automatically it was her. She said "hi, I'm a friend of Richard. He is interested in dating me, but I've been hurt so much before, I am not sure if I can trust again, he said you two had dated. How is he? What's he like as a person? When did you date?" You know, trying to "diplomatically" pull info out of me. Momma didn't raise no fool!!

 

I said, "I know exactly who you are and I have NOTHING to say to you. Anything you need to know, you need to ask Richard, NOT ME. I have no times for games."

 

First of ALL, my Myspace settings was set so that only people who had my email address could find me; I wasn't searchable. So right then and there, it's like HELLOOOO you obviously found a way to get my email address from him, look me up, and give me some BS story. I was 19 but never a dumb girl. Mind you she was like 27.

 

She then said, "you B**** how does it feel to have been a concubine? You are ugly!" The irony is that she had a horse face and a strong, masculine jawline; one would assume she was born a man, realistically. I was so ugly and she was so unthreatened that she needed to play games?

 

It was freakin hilarious to me because I only had ONE DATE with him; I couldn't believe I was still on his mind or that it would be deemed worthwhile to even mention.

 

I never stooped to her level because had she come to me woman to woman instead of playing juvenile games, I'd of had no qualms telling her we only date and didn't even as much as kiss. Then she professed how he changed and was a great man, blah blah. Yet in my ugliness (that her lying husband was attracted to) she felt the need to contact ME because she was insecure and obviously didn't take him at his word.

 

Bottom line, don't play games! I don't see any reason to contact him or the wife. NONE. If it materialized, or if plans were concrete, ticket bought, etc. then OK, but he barely kept in touch with her and it was all smoke and mirrors. If he's a cheating jerk in real life, it will only reveal in time. No one has anything to gain from this. 90% of the time people take back cheaters anyway; usually a losing game.

Edited February 24, 2014 by nomadic_butterfly

[justwhoiam]

What would be the odds of you answering if some completely random woman on Facebook nonetheless asked you these very personal and intrusive questions out of the blue?

Well, I'm not on FB. The only things about me online are for business, so if someone contacted me through one of those websites mentioning personal stuff about me (my child's name, etc), I would definitely want to know who this person is. I'd answer with yes and no. And then ask my questions in turn.

 

You said "he barely kept in touch with her and it was all smoke and mirrors". You're probably right. I don't know the extent of what was said and time spent. Was it entire nights? Weekends too? Or did he suddenly disappear for the weekend? Was it every night for months in a row? I have no idea. And as I said no proof he's even who he claims to be. Still, I'd want to know. Can he do the same to other girls? And can I stop that from happening?

 

Of course, the OP can just mind her business. But if she can bear what will come out of it, she can go on and contact this woman. About contacting him, I agree, it's not worth it and it doesn't make any sense either.

[FitChick]

He likes fantasy.

[ExpatInItaly]

OP, don't be too hard on yourself. You came here, after all. You knew something wasn't right about his story. I'm very glad you've made this discovery now instead of after buying a ticket to go to London...where he doesn't even live! His story was so full of holes that it was blatantly obvious he was lying to you.

 

Unforntuately, you've learned the hard way that there are bad people out there. They will lie and tell you what you want to hear. Why? They like the ego-stroking they get; they create a fantasy of what they wish their lives were like; they want an escape and don't care who they hurt. In the future, don't be so quick to believe or invest in someone you've never laid eyes on in person. Don't give your heart to someone who cannot prove themselves to you.

 

I wouldn't bother contacting his wife. Simply stop contacting him. If he bothers to ask why, tell him you don't mess around with married men. Full stop. Then never speak to him again. He knew all along that he was a fake; and he very likely expected the day to come when you'd discover who he really was.

[cedes121]

I don't know about this. If she has her own page on facebook, you can contact her. But you need to approach that with tact, as she's a victim just like you are.

If I were her, I would like to know. And if I were in your shoes and felt like she has to know, I would open a new email account and register a new facebook account with it, and then contact her. Don't make it obvious it's you, I mean, make it obvious it's a female's account, but not with your picture, name or other personal details. There's a slight chance he was doing the same with other girls.

And your tone shouldn't be accusatory, rather inquiring, like:

"Hi [her name],

 

Sorry for bothering you, but I have a few questions buzzing in my head. We don't know each other.

 

Are you Kylie's mom? Is it true that you were thinking of leaving Kylie to [his name]? And has there been a time when you were not living together with [his name]? Sorry if I'm asking you such personal questions, but I was wondering if what I heard is true."

 

And then you might get her answers, and new questions from her. So if you decide to get in touch with her, you need to be prepared to deal with that.

 

I partially agree with nomadic_butterfly, when she says you don't have much in your hands. He might have stolen someone else's identity altogether, where this woman's guy knows nothing about the identity theft. Unless you have a real phone number and you could call it and he was answering, and she said it's her husband's cell phone.

exactly if I was in her shoes I would like to know what my husband was up to behind my back. I feel like I shouldn't hide my identity hidden due to the fact she may not believe my story. I already have a message written up saying that im sorry about all this, he never told me he was married, if he did tell me I would of never stayed in contact, and that I don't want to have drama between her and I.

[cedes121]

What would be the odds of you answering if some completely random woman on Facebook nonetheless asked you these very personal and intrusive questions out of the blue? I don't think games are the mature way to handle these situations. I have had several confrontations of this nature in my life-time.

 

Once, I met a guy online when I was 17 (he was 26) who told me he was separated. I had no clue what that even meant at that age! I said, oh but you're not married right? He said no; how he used to be fat and his wife would be emotionally/verbally abusive; how she emptied his bank accounts; how he found emails of her hook ups with over THIRTY men. This was 10yrs ago so of course it took me a while to trust meeting someone online.

 

6 months into talking (and me turning 18), we met up for a date. Long story short, he was LAME and I had absolutely no interest and he said something disrespectful to me to show off in front of his friends on the phone and then I completely cut him off.

 

Less than two years later, I get a random email by some woman. He had told me before his "former" wife was mixed race so my gut told me automatically it was her. She said "hi, I'm a friend of Richard. He is interested in dating me, but I've been hurt so much before, I am not sure if I can trust again, he said you two had dated. How is he? What's he like as a person? When did you date?" You know, trying to "diplomatically" pull info out of me. Momma didn't raise no fool!!

 

I said, "I know exactly who you are and I have NOTHING to say to you. Anything you need to know, you need to ask Richard, NOT ME. I have no times for games."

 

First of ALL, my Myspace settings was set so that only people who had my email address could find me; I wasn't searchable. So right then and there, it's like HELLOOOO you obviously found a way to get my email address from him, look me up, and give me some BS story. I was 19 but never a dumb girl. Mind you she was like 27.

 

She then said, "you B**** how does it feel to have been a concubine? You are ugly!" The irony is that she had a horse face and a strong, masculine jawline; one would assume she was born a man, realistically. I was so ugly and she was so unthreatened that she needed to play games?

 

It was freakin hilarious to me because I only had ONE DATE with him; I couldn't believe I was still on his mind or that it would be deemed worthwhile to even mention.

 

I never stooped to her level because had she come to me woman to woman instead of playing juvenile games, I'd of had no qualms telling her we only date and didn't even as much as kiss. Then she professed how he changed and was a great man, blah blah. Yet in my ugliness (that her lying husband was attracted to) she felt the need to contact ME because she was insecure and obviously didn't take him at his word.

 

Bottom line, don't play games! I don't see any reason to contact him or the wife. NONE. If it materialized, or if plans were concrete, ticket bought, etc. then OK, but he barely kept in touch with her and it was all smoke and mirrors. If he's a cheating jerk in real life, it will only reveal in time. No one has anything to gain from this. 90% of the time people take back cheaters anyway; usually a losing game.

I want to let her know because I honestly feel bad that I have been in contact with her husband for a year. I understand that since it wasn't so serious between us that maybe I shouldn't write her, but I don't want her to be in the dark about this. she probably will take him back, but that is on her. they were not even married for 5 months when me and him started to talk. and to be talking to me for a year is already a bad start to a marriage. I just been going back and forth about doing it.

[cedes121]

Well, I'm not on FB. The only things about me online are for business, so if someone contacted me through one of those websites mentioning personal stuff about me (my child's name, etc), I would definitely want to know who this person is. I'd answer with yes and no. And then ask my questions in turn.

 

You said "he barely kept in touch with her and it was all smoke and mirrors". You're probably right. I don't know the extent of what was said and time spent. Was it entire nights? Weekends too? Or did he suddenly disappear for the weekend? Was it every night for months in a row? I have no idea. And as I said no proof he's even who he claims to be. Still, I'd want to know. Can he do the same to other girls? And can I stop that from happening?

 

Of course, the OP can just mind her business. But if she can bear what will come out of it, she can go on and contact this woman. About contacting him, I agree, it's not worth it and it doesn't make any sense either.

I do feel like I should contact his wife. I believe that I can handle what may come out from it. I mean there really isn't much that she can say bad about me. she should be thankful that I told her. I definetly will not be contacting him anymore.

[cedes121]

OP, don't be too hard on yourself. You came here, after all. You knew something wasn't right about his story. I'm very glad you've made this discovery now instead of after buying a ticket to go to London...where he doesn't even live! His story was so full of holes that it was blatantly obvious he was lying to you.

 

Unforntuately, you've learned the hard way that there are bad people out there. They will lie and tell you what you want to hear. Why? They like the ego-stroking they get; they create a fantasy of what they wish their lives were like; they want an escape and don't care who they hurt. In the future, don't be so quick to believe or invest in someone you've never laid eyes on in person. Don't give your heart to someone who cannot prove themselves to you.

 

I wouldn't bother contacting his wife. Simply stop contacting him. If he bothers to ask why, tell him you don't mess around with married men. Full stop. Then never speak to him again. He knew all along that he was a fake; and he very likely expected the day to come when you'd discover who he really was.

and I would like to thank you for helping me. i wouldn't be able to live a double life like that. like it's too much to even try and keep up with. i feel like if he were to contact me that i would LOVE to go off on him.

[cedes121]

I don't know about this. If she has her own page on facebook, you can contact her. But you need to approach that with tact, as she's a victim just like you are.

If I were her, I would like to know. And if I were in your shoes and felt like she has to know, I would open a new email account and register a new facebook account with it, and then contact her. Don't make it obvious it's you, I mean, make it obvious it's a female's account, but not with your picture, name or other personal details. There's a slight chance he was doing the same with other girls.

And your tone shouldn't be accusatory, rather inquiring, like:

"Hi [her name],

 

Sorry for bothering you, but I have a few questions buzzing in my head. We don't know each other.

 

Are you Kylie's mom? Is it true that you were thinking of leaving Kylie to [his name]? And has there been a time when you were not living together with [his name]? Sorry if I'm asking you such personal questions, but I was wondering if what I heard is true."

 

And then you might get her answers, and new questions from her. So if you decide to get in touch with her, you need to be prepared to deal with that.

 

I partially agree with nomadic_butterfly, when she says you don't have much in your hands. He might have stolen someone else's identity altogether, where this woman's guy knows nothing about the identity theft. Unless you have a real phone number and you could call it and he was answering, and she said it's her husband's cell phone.

i do have his number still. and also screen shotted it so i can send it to her in the message.

[nomadic_butterfly]

i do have his number still. and also screen shotted it so i can send it to her in the message.

 

Do all of this at your own risk, maybe this is how you'd like to reconcile your feelings but you might not get the response that you'd think. If he is a cheater is behavior wont change overnight and he will most likely cheat in real life. He'll probably convince her he was bored and that you meant nothing as he barely spoke to you online and never even met you. All the best doll.