iceisles Posted January 19, 2005 Share Posted January 19, 2005 The last few times I've asked my romantic interest to hang out, she has apparently been busy. While I do believe that she has been legitimately busy, I am looking to find out definitively if I am just being strung along. Here is my plan for tonight - please comment and amend as you see fit: 1. I call tonight to ask her if she'd like to check out a comedy club this weekend. More than likely, she will try to wiggle out of it. 2. I then politely ask, "When will I be able to see you again?" If I get a definitive answer, great. If not, I then go to # 3. 3. If she is vague about getting together again, I will say, "If you're interested in someone else, I will certainly understand. I do like you, but I realize there are a lot of guys out there. I just need to know." The debate as to whether or not she is interested in me has already been covered in a prior thread, so you don't need to address that. I will be carrying this out regardless if you folks think I am being blown off. Also, I know many of you will say # 3 is a bad idea, but I'm adopting a new "no games" policy, and I just want to lay it all out there. I think If I phrase it to sound like I don't want to stand in the way of other guys, she will appreciate it. I plan on doing this about 7 EST tonight, so any opinions I can get before then are greatly appreciated. And this is NOT an effort to pressure her in any way. I just always like being upfront with people. Thanks folks! Link to post Share on other sites
_Saffy_ Posted January 19, 2005 Share Posted January 19, 2005 the plan to me sounds fine, you wanna know where you stand, and rightly so. i think with no.3, i would be more inclined to say something like......i understand you may have other stuff going on right now.......rather than suggesting shes into other guys........i'd personally be insulted by that. good luck. Link to post Share on other sites
Author iceisles Posted January 19, 2005 Author Share Posted January 19, 2005 Originally posted by _Saffy_ the plan to me sounds fine, you wanna know where you stand, and rightly so. i think with no.3, i would be more inclined to say something like......i understand you may have other stuff going on right now.......rather than suggesting shes into other guys........i'd personally be insulted by that. good luck. Thanks, Saffy. If she's not open and honest with me, that isn't someone I want to be with anyway. Now that I put myself in her shoes, suggesting that she may be into someone else could be a little hurtful. Again, if she was interested in another guy, I would hope that she would just come out and say that. Link to post Share on other sites
upsetnhurt Posted January 19, 2005 Share Posted January 19, 2005 iceisles, I am going through a similar problem.......yet I want to ask you why you are so interested in pushing someone to want to hang with you? You see the writing on the wall yet you are trying to convince yourself that she is just busy. Why can't you just live your life, meet new people and if by chance this person decides they want to hang with you let them be the one to initiate it. You know the answer already! Why do you want to hurt yourself more and at the same time push this person further away? Link to post Share on other sites
Author iceisles Posted January 19, 2005 Author Share Posted January 19, 2005 Originally posted by upsetnhurt iceisles, I am going through a similar problem.......yet I want to ask you why you are so interested in pushing someone to want to hang with you? You see the writing on the wall yet you are trying to convince yourself that she is just busy. Why can't you just live your life, meet new people and if by chance this person decides they want to hang with you let them be the one to initiate it. You know the answer already! Why do you want to hurt yourself more and at the same time push this person further away? Because unlike a lot of people on here, I am leaving room for the possibility that she really IS busy. As the saying goes, sometimes a cigar is just a cigar. I am not pushing her at all - I am just politely asking her if she'd like to get together now and then. There is never any obligation on her part to say 'yes', nor do I make ever make her feel that way. What you call "writing on the wall" is not that obvious to me. If I met more people more often, you could bet that I would be dating several people at once. I occasionally get chances here and there, but most times I am just focusing on one person at a time. It is very rare for me to have several prospects at any given time. I am not hurting myself at all - I just am pursuing the truth, which I believe I am entitled to as a member of our friendship. And if I was pushing her away, she would be making a much bigger effort to not return my phone calls or reply to my e-mails. I realize you don't know the specifics of my situation and are going on generally accepted premises. It just goes a little deeper than that. Link to post Share on other sites
_Saffy_ Posted January 19, 2005 Share Posted January 19, 2005 Originally posted by iceisles Thanks, Saffy. If she's not open and honest with me, that isn't someone I want to be with anyway. Now that I put myself in her shoes, suggesting that she may be into someone else could be a little hurtful. Again, if she was interested in another guy, I would hope that she would just come out and say that. yeah i agree with you, i expect people to be honest with me, rarely happens tho, as you know. and i also agree, she may just genuinely be busy, i have a guy that keeps asking me to go for a beer, and i do realise to him that it may seem like im giving him the brush off, but i am genuinely really busy right now, with university, essays and exams. although thats totally different cos this is just a mate, and there wont ever be anything else. (hes gay) and hey, i'll go to the comedy club with ya lol Link to post Share on other sites
savethedrama4allama Posted January 19, 2005 Share Posted January 19, 2005 I think those are fair questions. Don't expect you'll get an honest answer to #3, but its worth a try. At the least you'll be making it clear that you know you're being blown off. Link to post Share on other sites
Author iceisles Posted January 19, 2005 Author Share Posted January 19, 2005 Originally posted by _Saffy_ yeah i agree with you, i expect people to be honest with me, rarely happens tho, as you know. and i also agree, she may just genuinely be busy, i have a guy that keeps asking me to go for a beer, and i do realise to him that it may seem like im giving him the brush off, but i am genuinely really busy right now, with university, essays and exams. although thats totally different cos this is just a mate, and there wont ever be anything else. (hes gay) and hey, i'll go to the comedy club with ya lol She's an education major, teaches cheerleading and gymnastics, does a fair amount of outside-of class work, and also works part-time for the school bookstore. Add to that the fact that her Mom isn't in the best of health, and I'm sure she barely has time to sleep. That is why I am giving her the benefit of the doubt here. I will trust someone until they give me a reason not to. Still, I think it's important that I open up some and let her know how I feel, just in case she doesn't know already. And I'd love to go to the comedy club with you. Link to post Share on other sites
upsetnhurt Posted January 19, 2005 Share Posted January 19, 2005 Ice, I am sorry if I gave you the impression I was against your intentions. Just wanted to throw some more thoughts out there for you to consider. I sincerely hope that it all works out for both of you!!!! Link to post Share on other sites
Author iceisles Posted January 19, 2005 Author Share Posted January 19, 2005 Originally posted by savethedrama4yrmama I think those are fair questions. Don't expect you'll get an honest answer to #3, but its worth a try. At the least you'll be making it clear that you know you're being blown off. Would you take # 3 as an insult if you were asked it, though? A previous post suggested I say something like, "I realize you have other stuff going on right now..." Link to post Share on other sites
Author iceisles Posted January 19, 2005 Author Share Posted January 19, 2005 Originally posted by upsetnhurt Ice, I am sorry if I gave you the impression I was against your intentions. Just wanted to throw some more thoughts out there for you to consider. I sincerely hope that it all works out for both of you!!!! Thanks, I appreciate it. I really hope things work out, too. I won't expect too much, though. I know dating is tough and there are far more losses than victories. Link to post Share on other sites
Hund1976 Posted January 19, 2005 Share Posted January 19, 2005 I think this is a great plan. Though instead of your idea for question #3 I think I would just say something like "Maybe you're not interested in me, and that's okay but I would appreciate you being honest with me so I know where I stand and can move on." As far as the always being busy stuff goes I don't buy it. If I was single and met a cute girl I was interested in I would find time to hang out with her no matter how busy I was. I'm all for your policy of putting it on the line. Some girls will string guys along for months. Link to post Share on other sites
savethedrama4allama Posted January 19, 2005 Share Posted January 19, 2005 Originally posted by iceisles Would you take # 3 as an insult if you were asked it, though? A previous post suggested I say something like, "I realize you have other stuff going on right now..." An insult, no...but I do think that most women would have difficulty giving an honest answer to such an up-front question. I doubt most people would admit it if there were someone else, for fear of hurting your feelings or looking like a b*tch. Link to post Share on other sites
_Saffy_ Posted January 19, 2005 Share Posted January 19, 2005 yeah ok, maybe insulted wasnt the right phrase, buts its the kinda question that puts you on the defence straight away, even when you have nothing to hide. "As far as the always being busy stuff goes I don't buy it. If I was single and met a cute girl I was interested in I would find time to hang out with her no matter how busy I was" this is BS, if you really dont have the time, and some other stuff always comes before dating, then you cant "find" it.....i can only guess that you have really never been *that* busy Hund. Link to post Share on other sites
Author iceisles Posted January 19, 2005 Author Share Posted January 19, 2005 Originally posted by Hund1976 I think this is a great plan. Though instead of your idea for question #3 I think I would just say something like "Maybe you're not interested in me, and that's okay but I would appreciate you being honest with me so I know where I stand and can move on." As far as the always being busy stuff goes I don't buy it. If I was single and met a cute girl I was interested in I would find time to hang out with her no matter how busy I was. I'm all for your policy of putting it on the line. Some girls will string guys along for months. I really liked the way you phrased # 3 - I think I will say it just like that. I agree with your second statement - if there's someone I like, I would find time somehow. But keep in mind, she may like me, just not to that level yet. I mean, you have to be pretty crazy about someone to want to cram them into your busy schedule. Link to post Share on other sites
Hund1976 Posted January 19, 2005 Share Posted January 19, 2005 Well even if she likes you a little bit but not enough to make time for you then that still doesn't do you any good. I'm not saying that I would skip my mother's funeral to go on a date but there are 168 hours in a week and I would think she could allocate at least one or two for you. If I met a girl and she was like "well I think I like you but I'm going to be really busy training for the Olympics the next 6 months so I don't know when we could get together" I think I would forget about her for the time being and if I was single 7 months in the future then maybe give her a call and see what she's up to. Link to post Share on other sites
Author iceisles Posted January 19, 2005 Author Share Posted January 19, 2005 The "I'm busy" debate will likely rage on forever. Even if I don't get any direct answers tonight, she will be made aware that I have been disappointed about not getting together lately. And as long she knows that, I am fine with whatever lies ahead. Link to post Share on other sites
debs Posted January 19, 2005 Share Posted January 19, 2005 Ice, The list looks good but might I suggest bringing up in one of the conversations which ever way you say it, "you may not be into me and I would like to know if I should continue to contact you? I am like you I prefer honesty and in dating again after 4 years I have been above board and straight forward honest! I feel or see "red flags" I end it right there!! No stinging people along. Ever!!! Best of Luck! Link to post Share on other sites
Author iceisles Posted January 19, 2005 Author Share Posted January 19, 2005 Originally posted by debs Ice, The list looks good but might I suggest bringing up in one of the conversations which ever way you say it, "you may not be into me and I would like to know if I should continue to contact you? I am like you I prefer honesty and in dating again after 4 years I have been above board and straight forward honest! I feel or see "red flags" I end it right there!! No stinging people along. Ever!!! Best of Luck! I'm glad I'm not the only one who feels this way. I think if she suggests that she is not that into me, I won't want to contact her anyway. If she finds a way out of this weekend remains vague with her answers, it's adios. I'm sure there are plenty of girls out there who have no trouble telling guys how they feel. Link to post Share on other sites
_Saffy_ Posted January 19, 2005 Share Posted January 19, 2005 I'm sure there are plenty of girls out there who have no trouble telling guys how they feel. shall i pencil that comedy club date in my diary then Link to post Share on other sites
Author iceisles Posted January 19, 2005 Author Share Posted January 19, 2005 Originally posted by _Saffy_ shall i pencil that comedy club date in my diary then Plan a visit to the U.S. and we'll go. Link to post Share on other sites
debs Posted January 19, 2005 Share Posted January 19, 2005 Lmaoooo that is funny saffy and Ice. Would be a nice thing though! Ice do let us know what comes out of this conversation with the lady! I am curious as hell! Link to post Share on other sites
Author iceisles Posted January 19, 2005 Author Share Posted January 19, 2005 Originally posted by debs Lmaoooo that is funny saffy and Ice. Would be a nice thing though! Ice do let us know what comes out of this conversation with the lady! I am curious as hell! I am always up for meeting fellow LSers. I am curious, too. It should be an interesting evening. I will let you all know how it goes. Even if it's bad news, I will be relieved. I will take bad news over being strung along anyday. Link to post Share on other sites
debs Posted January 19, 2005 Share Posted January 19, 2005 Oh you live in Kentucky, I live in Central Illinois! Door is open to any and all my friends! friends I need, relationships will come in time! I am off to the Y then to work and I hope the outcome is something to give your mind a rest. Just make sure you think of all of us we are behind you or on your shoulder cheering you on! Sincerely, DC Link to post Share on other sites
Author iceisles Posted January 19, 2005 Author Share Posted January 19, 2005 Originally posted by debs Oh you live in Kentucky, I live in Central Illinois! Door is open to any and all my friends! friends I need, relationships will come in time! I am off to the Y then to work and I hope the outcome is something to give your mind a rest. Just make sure you think of all of us we are behind you or on your shoulder cheering you on! Sincerely, DC I will definitely be thinking of all the advice and encouragement I've received today. It's nice to have support, and hopefully I'll have something positive to report early this evening. Link to post Share on other sites
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