Lara33 Posted January 19, 2005 Share Posted January 19, 2005 I have been with my BF for 8 years, I just left with him because he wasn't ready for marriage yet..He is in the process of changing careers. We were also planning to move in together, he wanted to live together B4 marriage. But I felt why wait more years for a man who is clearly not the committing type???? I told him I had to leave if he could not give me some sort of committment....Well I have been gone for about a month and he is calling me to come back, he does see him self getting married to me and having a family with me.. Should I go back??? or should he reallly try to get me back....He said he is not going to call me and leave it up to me.... PLEASE HELP!! Link to post Share on other sites
Weird Posted January 19, 2005 Share Posted January 19, 2005 I dont get why people would leave someone they ahve been with for a looooong time simply because they aren't married. Maybe right now he sees marriage for what it is....a legal binding contract where if you get divorced you can get screwed over and a wedding is an expensive ass day that can be money wasted if a divorce happens. If he wants to live with you and has been with you for 8 years why do you think he isn't committed to you? If I were you I'd get back with him, move in and just be happy. Myself, I don't know if I would ever get married. I sued to want to but now I am not so sure seeing as how the divorce rate is higher than 50%. My hesitation to get married has nothing to do with me not wanting to commit to someone...I just don't want to get into that legal contract and get screwed over if things don't work. I don't see the difference between living with someone and marrying them. Link to post Share on other sites
_Saffy_ Posted January 19, 2005 Share Posted January 19, 2005 i was in relationship that was plodding along quite nicely, i got pregnant, and well the right thing to do from there is get married right??.......WRONG!! getting married changed the whole relationship, it put too much pressure on it to work, and you look more of a failure coming out of a failed marriage than out of a failed relationship. personally, i say forget that stupid bit of paper, this guy is already committed, get ya ass back there and be with him. sheeeeeesh why is everyone so set on marriage on this forum? why cant they just be content with a happy, healthy, loving relationship. Link to post Share on other sites
ex Posted January 20, 2005 Share Posted January 20, 2005 if you want to get married, I think that's what you should hold out for. BUT I think it's important you really explore why you want/need to get married and why he doesn't. I think that one of my major mistakes in my ex-relationship was wanting marriage kind of selfishly. I didn't really take time to find out/discuss why he was ambivalent or not ready. I put it out there, and as weeks passed and I didn't get a ring, I got sooo insecure and worried that he didn't love me "enough." Of course my insecurities only ended up driving him away, because I'd act defensively and he would get the impression that he just couldn't give me what I wanted. I think towards the end, he was even suspicious of my love for him. He was right to, because even though I really did love him, I was acting out of neediness for validation of his love, and not being sensitive to his wants. It's just different for men (and some women), I guess, and expecting them to want what you want (however innocently) kind of amounts to wanting them to change for you. All that said and done, though, I still want to get married. I'm 34, and I really feel that clock ticking. Not even sure I want kids, but I definitely want the option (and there's no way I'm doing it on my own, ie without a binding legal contract). Even though I made some chunky mistakes -- in retrospect, he totally had commitment issues. He might not have wanted to commit even if I hadn't gotten all needy and insecure. So 8 YRS for you. Yikes. Well, my 4 cents: 1) think about why marriage is important to you. 2) really try and understand why he's reluctant 3) if you decide you don't need the formal commitment after all, move in together and be happy 4) if you decide you need the contract, don't go back until you get a proposal If he really loves you (I'm sure he does), he will call when you don't. Give him a chance to really miss you, the woman whom he's loved for 8 yrs. But consider that he could be a stringer, as I think my ex was/is. A truly wonderful man, but I don't think he ever really meant it when he hinted and joked about marriage and rings. Not that he didn't love me deeply, but his wants simply very different from mine. And I've recently realized that even if he ever would want me back, I just can't invest more time in hoping he'll come around. He'd have to want to be different, it would all be ill-fated if I tried to change him. Best of luck. Link to post Share on other sites
theone44 Posted January 20, 2005 Share Posted January 20, 2005 Originally posted by Lara33 I have been with my BF for 8 years, I just left with him because he wasn't ready for marriage yet..He is in the process of changing careers. We were also planning to move in together, he wanted to live together B4 marriage. But I felt why wait more years for a man who is clearly not the committing type???? I told him I had to leave if he could not give me some sort of committment....Well I have been gone for about a month and he is calling me to come back, he does see him self getting married to me and having a family with me.. Should I go back??? or should he reallly try to get me back....He said he is not going to call me and leave it up to me.... PLEASE HELP!! Here is my opinion. Either you marry me,or find the nearest highwayway and take a hike. He want the cow and milk for free,and his cake and eat it too. I myself give a woman 14 month or less to want to marry me,or i am gone. Why be use like that. This why a lot of break up and relationship fall apart,because men and women are dating to long,shacking up with-out get marry to soon. God did not attend this to happen. I hope this help... Link to post Share on other sites
roxy_1980 Posted January 22, 2005 Share Posted January 22, 2005 Are kidding me? He wants to move in before marriage and you're whining. It's actually a good idea to figure out if your separate lives can merge into one before making it legally binding. He's been around for EIGHT years, he doesn't seem to be going anywhere. (Remember: you're the one who bailed!!!) He is commited to you emotionally, isn't that the most important thing. The rest is just paper. Link to post Share on other sites
theone44 Posted January 22, 2005 Share Posted January 22, 2005 this man don't want to marry you,it don't take some-one 8 year to get marry. if he really love you he will marry you,and stop listening to these other funkies on this forum telling you other-wise just follow your own heart. it's your life and no-one else. let just my opinion i know my opinion suck some-time, and that the best i can say or do... Link to post Share on other sites
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