Confusion about a friend.

[pulsar]

Hello All,

 

First thread here, long time lurker. My apologies for the long post. So here it goes..!

 

I've been in a dilemma with a female friend of mine for about 10 months (April 2013) Originally, when I met her, I was instantly attracted to her. However, she soon was in a relationship for many months. During that time, I got to know her better and actually found her to be of my liking (personality wise). Few months into the friendship, she became quite interested in me but I had no intention of doing anything since she was in a relationship.

 

At the end of last summer, she and her former boyfriend broke up and at that point I was in a dilemma because I had finished grad school (August 2013) and I didn't know where my future was going (jobs, loans, etc..). As such, I explained to her that since my future has too many unknowns, let's remain friends and not pursue anything, to which she replied she understands (she was the one after her breakup to ask me if we can be more than friends). However, some weeks after that conversation I realized that I will be in town much longer and I eventually asked her if we can be more than friends. To which she replied yes; the week we had a conversation, we went on a date and had few drinks afterwards. Near the end of the date, she said that I need to be more open (in a sense not be too closed/reserved, that is my shortcoming). I said I'll do my best but be patient. Interestingly enough, she was going to spend the weekend in another city 90min away with another chap at an athletic event he had invited her to (he was participating). I can only imagine what transpired that weekend but a week later she tells me that she likes him.

 

Now interestingly enough, he had been pursuing her unbeknownst to me. I was upset at her because of her lack of transparency and truthfulness (since I considered her a friend). She was even told by multiple people not to date him/have a relationship with him because of that fact that he is a d_ouche. In fact, one of my friends wants to destroy his reputation because she knows how d_ouchey he actually is.

 

From early on, they were arguing and she apparently mentioned me as a comparison to him as to why he doesn't do some things which I would. After she started dating him, I removed myself from the situation and went to no communication for some weeks. Later, I reconnected with her but kept it casual. Now the problem is that since I've reconnected with her, she occasionally puts out feelers to see how I feel about her, she randomly texts me in Dec. telling me that "You know you have to kiss me at some point".

 

As far as her relationship goes with her boyfriend, it is a bit tumultuous - he is primarily there for the sex/ he also apparently goes to sex parties, she doesn't seem like that. Also, she broke up with him on his birthday in January only to be in his bed days later.And this past weekend, I was a small gathering with her and she later texts me that she is running away from me.Now I must say, I still have feelings for her (probably not very sensible). I responded to her text by saying the same thing - that I find myself running away from you as well. She then later texts me that if she were close enough she can't help but kiss me. Also, she mentions that above all else, she thinks and dreams of me (she said that I'm in most of her dream). This puts me in a dilemma because I was trying to get over her (I still care for her well being) and keep a boundary). When I ran into her today, I explained to her that I have feelings for you, but I makes it difficult for me to move forward; especially considering that she is with someone (if she were single, it might be different). I told her that I might need to remove myself for her life for some time, to which she replied how will that make the feelings go away.

 

This upsets me a bit because I was trying to move forward and move past her even though I have feelings for her. ALSO, nothing physical has occurred between us. I find myself in a pickle with some need for advice, all I'm doing now is limiting my contact with her.

Edited February 17, 2014 by pulsar
Addition of important information.

[Polak]

Let me start off by saying she is everywhere with her feelings and emotions. She can't keep it together. And you know that's bad news. She sounds very immature and kinda like the type that requires a boyfriend at all times... which would make sense considering she continues putting out feelers to see if she can get any affection from you.

 

So you're in a pretty good spot at the moment. Not only have you realized that you should keep your distance, but you also mentioned that you feel it's not reasonable to keep pursuing her, and you're completely right. She isn't worth it at all. You aren't very deeply emotionally invested in her so it should be easy for you to shut her out without going any further, aka cease communication entirely. You said you haven't gotten physical with her so that also contributes to your good position in this situation (less emotional attachment).

 

The type of woman you probably want is a mature individual who doesn't play those "feelings" games, can bring out your best qualities, and is romantically interested in just you... not anyone else. So you know what to do. There are a plethora of fish in the sea, just be patient and trust that you'll find the right one! Good luck.

[imtooconfused]

Let me start off by saying she is everywhere with her feelings and emotions.

 

Moreover, even if she settles down with you, she's going to be all over the place also, chasing other fish in her sea. She's a female player. If you like her enough and can live with that kind of behavior, I think you have a shot at breaking up her and her 'BF'. But he will never be out of the picture entirely, I can assure you. If on the other hand, that's not what you are looking for...

 

You need to follow NC to the letter of the rules. There's some good thinking on NC in this post:

 

http://www.loveshack.org/forums/breaking-up-reconciliation-coping/separation-divorce/460162-how-do-i-get-across-nc-means-nc