Scott0310 Posted February 17, 2014 Share Posted February 17, 2014 So long story short my wife and I are separated, by her choice from my actions. I was verbally/emotionally abusive (not harsh but it was over time). I had started to realize this after she told me she wasn’t happy in our marriage so I started to try to make things better. I have another post with details a bit more of what I did to rip our marriage apart. Anyway one night it went all to ****, and she told me she wanted(s) a divorce. However I convinced her I was starting to change and she said ok, just give her space and time to work things out for herself. During this time she got onto a dating/social site and started seeing this guy. At first she said it was just to talk with someone, kind of to get/feel like she should feel being treated nicely since I was failing at that. Well during our separation I drove her away, not with more abuse but with telling her how much I was sorry, and that I wanted her back. Living under the same roof made the separation very difficult for me. I used an opportunity to go through her computer since she left her iTunes, I wanted to maybe make her a mix CD (she’s that kind of cute girl) and give it to her for Valentine’s Day last weekend. While I was looking I saw an open email that I think she left open by accident. In this email was some rather descriptive chat about the sex they wanted to have, and towards the bottom of the texting, they finally slept together recently:sick:. Having confronted her about this she got mad (not arguing that) and she said it was finally over, we’re done. Last night while we were talking she said something that I’m not sure how to take it about maybe reconciling somehow down the road, she is not seeing him anymore but my biggest problem is I cant get that email, and often visuals of them two in my head. What can I do, I know I still love her and want her back as my wife, but how do I approach this topic, do I just leave it and get over it, or do I sometime down the road ask to talk to her about it…again the thoughts of her with him just sends my heart and stomach into dead mode. Link to post Share on other sites
peruano99 Posted February 17, 2014 Share Posted February 17, 2014 So long story short my wife and I are separated, by her choice from my actions. I was verbally/emotionally abusive (not harsh but it was over time). I had started to realize this after she told me she wasn’t happy in our marriage so I started to try to make things better. I have another post with details a bit more of what I did to rip our marriage apart. Anyway one night it went all to ****, and she told me she wanted(s) a divorce. However I convinced her I was starting to change and she said ok, just give her space and time to work things out for herself. During this time she got onto a dating/social site and started seeing this guy. At first she said it was just to talk with someone, kind of to get/feel like she should feel being treated nicely since I was failing at that. Well during our separation I drove her away, not with more abuse but with telling her how much I was sorry, and that I wanted her back. Living under the same roof made the separation very difficult for me. I used an opportunity to go through her computer since she left her iTunes, I wanted to maybe make her a mix CD (she’s that kind of cute girl) and give it to her for Valentine’s Day last weekend. While I was looking I saw an open email that I think she left open by accident. In this email was some rather descriptive chat about the sex they wanted to have, and towards the bottom of the texting, they finally slept together recently:sick:. Having confronted her about this she got mad (not arguing that) and she said it was finally over, we’re done. Last night while we were talking she said something that I’m not sure how to take it about maybe reconciling somehow down the road, she is not seeing him anymore but my biggest problem is I cant get that email, and often visuals of them two in my head. What can I do, I know I still love her and want her back as my wife, but how do I approach this topic, do I just leave it and get over it, or do I sometime down the road ask to talk to her about it…again the thoughts of her with him just sends my heart and stomach into dead mode. How long were you two separated before she started seeing this guy? She technically didn't cheat on you. Link to post Share on other sites
Author Scott0310 Posted February 17, 2014 Author Share Posted February 17, 2014 We have been separated now just over a 5 or 6 weeks, seems like longer. She may have been mentally separated from me for longer, I just dont know. I am not arguing the idea of her cheating on me, because I dont necessarily see it like that because we ARE separated. Its more of the idea that it happened and I am unsure how to cope with it. Its almost like the classic "you both slept with someone while separated so YOU cant be mad" only I havent slept with anyone, my only thoughts are having my wife back in my arms. 1 Link to post Share on other sites
peruano99 Posted February 17, 2014 Share Posted February 17, 2014 Well the first thing you need to do is control your temper. Constantly screaming at your wife and getting angry at her will only drive her away even more. 1 Link to post Share on other sites
BHsigh Posted February 17, 2014 Share Posted February 17, 2014 How long were you two separated before she started seeing this guy? She technically didn't cheat on you. I disagree, if this was a separation with the intent to repair your marriage, which is what it sounds like to me from his description, then this was an affair. If you were separated with the intent to divorce then it could be overlooked. In either case, by all definitions of the laws, this was an affair. If you truly were separated with the intent to stay married, then you both need to realize that this was an affair, she cheated on you, and more than likely, the separation was just an excuse for her to bang some other guy. Why you were ok with her going on a dating site while you were wanting to fix your marriage is beyond me, bad call there OP. It's great that you are owning your part in your marriage problems, but rug sweeping her affair is rediculous, you'll never fix your marriage by doing that. 4 Link to post Share on other sites
aliveagain Posted February 17, 2014 Share Posted February 17, 2014 A month is not a long time to be apart and she's already on a dating site. If she has no problem sleeping with me men this quickly, I think she's already made up her mind. Are you both in counselling? 4 Link to post Share on other sites
janedoe67 Posted February 17, 2014 Share Posted February 17, 2014 How long were you two separated before she started seeing this guy? She technically didn't cheat on you. WRONG. They were not divorced. They were even still living in the same house. It was cheating. 8 Link to post Share on other sites
tired girl Posted February 17, 2014 Share Posted February 17, 2014 I would consider this cheating. I did very nearly the same thing as your wife. My husband and I were S, only I had moved out due to the circumstances in our marriage becoming unbearable to me. I had been out about five weeks when the situation was just so bad between us that I slept with someone in a fit of rage. I told him I was going to do it before I did it. I don't believe that my husband believed that I would do it. Here is the thing, I was still married, just like your wife is. No papers were filed and no discussion had taken place that we were getting a divorce. No arrangements had been made in regards to who got what. I cheated. Plain and simple. And so did your wife. Your best bet at this point, start focusing on you. Quit focusing on her and trying to get her back. What is going on with you that needs to be fixed? Why are you so willing to take her back after she has done this? You should value yourself more than that. Work on fixing what is going on with you. Why were you emotionally abusive? Fix that. Look at it. Were you really emotionally abusive or is that coming from her? She could have been saying that because she wanted out of the marriage to go play. Common tactic. So my suggestion is for you to start looking at this stuff and see what is what. Then see if you want to put this together or not. 1 Link to post Share on other sites
road Posted February 17, 2014 Share Posted February 17, 2014 It was cheating they were still married. Standard WW play book move. Get BH to separate so she can carry on her affair. Makes me think there were an affair/s before the separation. 2 Link to post Share on other sites
amaysngrace Posted February 17, 2014 Share Posted February 17, 2014 By the time you reach separation the marriage is over. Maybe not legally but emotionally it is. 2 Link to post Share on other sites
BHsigh Posted February 17, 2014 Share Posted February 17, 2014 By the time you reach separation the marriage is over. Maybe not legally but emotionally it is. You can say that about affairs too, but plenty of people still reconcile. A separation can indeed be used as a tool to repair a marriage, as it gives each other space and everyone knows the saying "Absense makes the heart grow fonder". So it is not always an end to a marriage. Link to post Share on other sites
amaysngrace Posted February 17, 2014 Share Posted February 17, 2014 You can say that about affairs too, but plenty of people still reconcile. A separation can indeed be used as a tool to repair a marriage, as it gives each other space and everyone knows the saying "Absense makes the heart grow fonder". So it is not always an end to a marriage. True. I should have said in my marriage it was over. All that space between us did was make me realize how much better life was without him. 1 Link to post Share on other sites
carhill Posted February 17, 2014 Share Posted February 17, 2014 OP, couple of observations, after opining that if you didn't have an agreement to pursuing others of your respective sexual preference, IMO her act is adultery. Forensics are interesting: 1. When you were dating, how did things go? Was she clearly single or were things 'complicated'? How long did you date before sexual activity began? 2. Think back to when you were 'abusive'; examine those interactions in a dispassionate manner. That's probably not possible right now but may be in the future. The scary version is that she can easily and effectively 'sour the milk' enough to piss you off (if anyone knows how to push a man's buttons, it's his wife) to give her 'reasons' for her actions way back then which came to fruition during your 'separation'. In any event, if she says 'we're done' and has had sexual relations with another man, I'd file for divorce this week. Validate her clear and unambiguous actions and move forward. Good luck. Link to post Share on other sites
KathyM Posted February 17, 2014 Share Posted February 17, 2014 Sorry to say, you both have ruined your marriage. You for being emotionally and verbally abusive that chipped away at her feelings for you until there was almost nothing left and she wanted to separate. She was way too quick to start her separated life by joining a dating site while implying this was some kind of trial separation and not a permanent one. I see this happen a lot, where people separate and are supposedly working on reconciliation, but then one or both end up sleeping with someone else during that time, and it puts the nail in the coffin on their marriage. This happened to my sister also with her second ex husband. They were actually physically separated, but were going to marriage counseling and trying to work towards reconciliation, but then she found out he had joined a dating site and was still in contact with these women from the dating site while they were trying to reconcile. That was what ruined the reconciliation attempt. After finding out he was contacting women from the dating site while still going to marriage counseling and claiming to be working on reconciling. 1 Link to post Share on other sites
gettingstronger Posted February 17, 2014 Share Posted February 17, 2014 OK- so it may take a lot of work but if you BOTH want this to work it can-however, it seems that your anger is her deal breaker and her infidelity is yours-how to overcome both- thats a difficult question- if I were you, I would work on me first, anger issues infect every aspect of your life so taking care of that will be a plus for you no matter what the outcome-once you can present a healthier you to her then you will be in a position to ask more of her- Link to post Share on other sites
tiredofitall2 Posted February 17, 2014 Share Posted February 17, 2014 We have been separated now just over a 5 or 6 weeks, seems like longer. She may have been mentally separated from me for longer, I just dont know. I am not arguing the idea of her cheating on me, because I dont necessarily see it like that because we ARE separated. Its more of the idea that it happened and I am unsure how to cope with it. Its almost like the classic "you both slept with someone while separated so YOU cant be mad" only I havent slept with anyone, my only thoughts are having my wife back in my arms. No my friend, she committed adultery. You are married and live under the same roof. even if you are not being intimate, she is your wife and you are her husband. Until you are living separately and on the way to D or already D it is an affair and she cheated. The whole down the road thing is just her way of saying I want to go out and try this new OM or a different OM. She wants to date and be free. If you do not want to allow her to continue her adulterous behavior and cake eating while you wait on the sidelines, file for divorce and start moving on. This is the only way she will wake up fro her delusion. BUT, I think you must wake up too. Whatever you did does not justify her affair. It is completely wrong and as long as you agree with her she we will feel as if she did nothing wrong. SHE DID!!!!! 1 Link to post Share on other sites
carhill Posted February 17, 2014 Share Posted February 17, 2014 OP, have you and your wife been to MC? It was in MC that I learned about forensics, from a professional psychologist, and applied them to my own circumstances, in my case to examine my own motivations and reasons for having an affair and to take ownership of those motivations and reasons. What has your wife done here? What's her ownership? You've taken ownership of your actions, apologized, you say to your detriment, which 'drove her away'. OK, what has she done? Has she apologized for her sexual activities during your marriage? Other actions you found hurtful? What? Beware of women who manipulate. It's instinctive and genetic. It's how they survive in the face of fear and death. It can be enormously beneficial if used to promote and preserve the family unit; it can also be a formidable weapon. Women you encounter in life are not your doting grandmother. Well, they can be but you'll see grandma's 'other' side, the one you never saw as her grandson. Do you have any close male friends? If you do, solicit an overview of their impressions and seek their support. Also, regardless of how the marital dynamic proceeds, seek out counseling to assist you in working the areas of your life you wish to address. Since you apparently were separated for 7-8 months back in 2008, with she and your son living with her mother, and it was she who apparently both instituted the separation and sought to reconcile, I'd leave it at that. Draw up a co-parenting agreement and go on with your life. You're entitled to 'feel bad' too. It isn't an exclusively female emotion. 1 Link to post Share on other sites
bubbaganoosh Posted February 17, 2014 Share Posted February 17, 2014 It's funny that after she sleeps with the guy, she now wants to try to reconcile. Granted, from what you have said about yourself, your were no jewel to live with and separating is one thing to try to figure things out but adding a sexual encounter in the mix sure as hell isn't helping. She cheated on you and you have to decide if you can forgive her and try to work it out. One thing would bother me though. If she jumped into a PA that quick, would make me wonder if this hasn't happened before. Maybe a bit more digging on your part and maybe you should seek help for you temper. Link to post Share on other sites
Chi townD Posted February 17, 2014 Share Posted February 17, 2014 Sorry dude, you've been separated for more than a month and she slept with someone else. Therefore, it tells me that she had something going on with this dude for some time now. She wanted to take it to the next level, therefore, she asked (rather, told) you for the separation so she could sleep with this guy guilt free. She convinced herself that she could because "technically" you two aren't together. Now, she see's how hurt you are, and now she's trying to make some of your pain go away by filling you up with some false hope stating that "perhaps, down the road, you two will be able to get back together". She'll say anything to stop you from making her feel so guilty. Time to move on dude. She knew what she was doing and she's not remorseful for doing it or even sounding regretful. She's gone dude. Time to heal and move on. 1 Link to post Share on other sites
amaysngrace Posted February 17, 2014 Share Posted February 17, 2014 I don't think she's being that way because she feels guilty. In her mind she probably sees it as okay because you are separated. I think she's giving you hope so that she can destroy you in the divorce. Have you cancelled all joint credit cards and closed all joint bank accounts yet? It's probably a good time to do that if you haven't already. Link to post Share on other sites
tired girl Posted February 17, 2014 Share Posted February 17, 2014 Sorry dude, you've been separated for more than a month and she slept with someone else. Therefore, it tells me that she had something going on with this dude for some time now. She wanted to take it to the next level, therefore, she asked (rather, told) you for the separation so she could sleep with this guy guilt free. She convinced herself that she could because "technically" you two aren't together. I am curious as to why you say this? My H was convinced that the guy I slept with, that I had had something going on with him for awhile before I did. I didn't. I texted with him for 4-5 days prior to sleeping with him. Not all women need or want emotional involvement in order to have sex. Sometimes this is done to break the emotional involvement in the marriage. Link to post Share on other sites
Chi townD Posted February 17, 2014 Share Posted February 17, 2014 (edited) I am curious as to why you say this? My H was convinced that the guy I slept with, that I had had something going on with him for awhile before I did. I didn't. I texted with him for 4-5 days prior to sleeping with him. Not all women need or want emotional involvement in order to have sex. Sometimes this is done to break the emotional involvement in the marriage. Now, you have to admit that a majority of women usually need some kind of emotional involvement or some kind of emotional connection in order to tell themselves that it's okay for them to conduct an affair. Now, I'm not saying ALL, but a majority. A lot of women have been interviewed and it was discovered that for a lot of them, the physical affair wasn't even about the sex. They just gave up the sex because they thought they owed it to their affair partner. Like, if they didn't give it up, then they would lose the attention,emotional gratification, the feeling of being wanted and desired from the OM. And that was more addictive (more desired) than the sex itself. Of course, not every conclusion fits in every scenario. I just drew my conclusion from the majority. Sorry, you happen to fall in the minority. I mean, you even said it yourself. You were texting your affair partner for 4-5 days prior to sleeping with him. It's not like you went to the club where the meat market was at it's peak and you went "eenie, meenie, miney, mo! Okay, that one!" ANY girl can go into a club and walk out with someone. Because, you will be hard pressed to find a young heterosexual male to turn IT down. You took 4-5 days to text this guy. He said all the right things, made you laugh, made you feel comfortable, excited, desired and you made a choice. So, in a way, you made a connection well enough to decide that you wanted to sleep with him. So, a connection was made, although it wasn't as long and drawn out as your husband believed it was; however, I speculate it was enough time for you to decide that you valued sleeping with this guy over your husband. Edited February 17, 2014 by Chi townD Link to post Share on other sites
tired girl Posted February 17, 2014 Share Posted February 17, 2014 No, actually the guy was enough of a prick to convince that he would indeed engage in NSA sex and I wouldn't have to worry about any kind of emotional entanglements with him. I did have other phone numbers from guys at clubs, but they seemed to want relationships and I wasn't interested in that. I actually wanted my marriage, my husband wasn't interested at the time in putting it back together. My sleeping with someone else was the biggest mistake of my life. His wife may have thought that the marriage was over for her, just like I did. She may now be realizing that maybe it isn't. But this guy needs to work on himself and she needs to figure out why she did it. 1 Link to post Share on other sites
carhill Posted February 17, 2014 Share Posted February 17, 2014 Last night while we were talking she said something that I’m not sure how to take it about maybe reconciling somehow down the road What can I do, I know I still love her and want her back as my wife, but how do I approach this topic, do I just leave it and get over it, or do I sometime down the road ask to talk to her about it OK, I've read you've apologized for your behavior, relevant to her statements that you've been mean to her. Now, move forward, respecting both your 'still love her' and her 'maybe reconciling down the road' and make an appointment with a MC to discuss and clarify those perspectives. That's putting teeth into the words and opening the door for both parties to engage in voluntary and equitable discourse. If she refuses, and any words other than 'I'll be there' is refusing, you've done your part, apologizing (which she's yet to do for her behavior) and offering a solution (which she's done none of). At that point, I'd keep the appointment, regardless of her response, and then make a decision on next steps with that interaction in place. Move forward, one day at a time. If she's there with you, she is. If not, not. 1 Link to post Share on other sites
atreides Posted February 17, 2014 Share Posted February 17, 2014 (edited) the tangled webs we get ourselves into... maybe i missed it, but what are the terms of this "separation?" Honestly I have never understood the concept of separating (short of abuse or addiction reasons) as a what... ? Temporary means to recover the M, take a break, distance for x,y,z? For me, separation as a means to recover in my opinion is a poor excuse to avoid communication with or without counseling, to then taking a break... a break from what... being out of the M and distance, all infer running from the issues at hand. So what's my point, being separated in my opinion is just that, you have agreed to be "free" of each other while trying to pretend to be married. For whatever reason you live under the same roof, her actions while hurtful to you followed an agreement of separation. Thus, what i am getting at is this separation is BS, if you love her which is clear from the pain you feel from her relationship with another man, you must fight for her and end the agreed separation. Make a marriage of it. Edited February 17, 2014 by atreides Link to post Share on other sites
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