She slept with someone while we were separated..

[Scott0310]

The separation for us happened do to the nature of my behavior from being veritably/emotionally abusive. And i'm not talking about yelling or name calling, it was the kind of abuse that was subtle but constant, like bringing home work stress and taking it out on her. The separation was meant for her to have time apart (I'm in the military and sometimes frequent trips away from home actually kept us happy) to ponder her future with me. While not ALL of the blame can be put on me, she was the one who was trying more in terms of trying to make life ok.

 

So many other posts talk about how women let things build up, and most of the time the husband doesnt/cant see it, that was us. As for her relationship with this other guy, I didnt start until a good two weeks after we separated.

 

Understand that part of my problem now is our separation happened and I still lived under the same roof, we just tried to be separate. This made things difficult for me and if you google the 180 degree rule, yeah i was the opposite, trying to convince her to give me a chance instead of giving her her time. In doing so I pushed her away, and her outlet to vent was the other guy, whom she slept with.

 

I'm not sure what is meant by am I still a serious option for her. If it means I will take her back, I would. Tonight we actually kind of talked, with out the relationship being brought up, she asked me to crack her back since yoga was canceled and her back hurt, I ended up giving her a head to tow back massage. I can forgive/forget about the affair and to show that, everytime I massaged up her thighs, all I could think about was moving her panties to the side and eating her out. Our sexlife by the way as a side note had its ups and downs, sometimes with passion and lust, and sometimes just there to get off.

[tiredofitall2]

I tip my hat at you if you still want to have oral with your W after some other guy was inside her. For me this is more than I can handle at least for a while. There is something called Betrayed Spouse fog and I think you definitely are there.

 

Everyone is aware of the affair fog, bit not so much the BS fog. Do a google search.

 

I'd say your M can be salvaged if that's what you want and if she is willing, but I will tell you, you will have a difficult time competing with the A. You said it was over, are you sure? Affairs are full of fantasies and the make the juices flow like your old boring marriage can't. I don't mean this as an insult, It's the way things work inside the WS head. A bring back those butterflies and the excitement that she once felt for you many years ago and that now has forgotten.

 

You need to monitor her behavior because this A can be a deal breaker. No contact must be adhered to or your R doesn't stand a chance.

 

You are in a similar position I was in. My W said it was over with OM. She and I reconciled and were intimate. She later then continued her A and her feelings for me diapered. She fell completely for her AP and I ended up in all kinds of sh*t. I ended up filing for D. Now she is seeking me, but her love for me is gone and only a commitment for our daughter's well being is left, but I need more than that for reconciliation. I'm not 2nd option and will not be with a woman that does not love me wholeheartedly and you shouldn't either. Don't settle for 2nd best!

 

When women are in a A many times they develop feelings for their AP in a way that men don't from sexual encounters. Of course there are exceptions, bit as you probably know women will surrender their hearts before their bodies. We are more physical and many times there are no feelings whatsoever.

 

Good luck!

[Scott0310]

I believe its been about two weeks since the affair happened, and I do believe her when she says its over, guess he dumped her on v-day, that's the day I found out she slept with him.

 

I look at it in a different way, she was with other guys before me, every wife has before their husbands (most of the time) and as husbands we still do things to our wife to pleasure them. I guess point is, she has showered so its not quite like I'm wanting to do something with her right after she was with him. But at the same time, she is worried that I would use the affair against her, and I dont know its something ****ed up in my head that if I did do something to her now, it might show that I dont care about what she did.

 

I wouldnt do anything however, no matter how much/tempting I wanted it. I wouldnt want it taken the wrong way. I want her to have feelings for me if they were to come back and we ever did anything again.

[tiredofitall2]

Well, hey I guess I'm a little more traditional than you. Again, put the right precautions in place and work towards R. Do the 180, do not overwhelm her and keep an eye on the OM. Just in case!

 

If she wants out give her what she wants. Never beg, plead or reason.

 

Do you have children together? What is your age group?

[BHsigh]

Scott0310, I hope for you that you continue to feel that way, but the odds are against you. You don't sound like you were a ray of light in your marriage, and you really need to work on that, but her affair will, more likely than not, soon become a black cloud.

 

I felt much like you at first, ready to prove myself and tackle the world, that changed after time and now, almost two years later, I'm still haunted.

 

All that we're saying is that you need to prepare for this to turn dark for you, so please don't just sweep everything under the rug and act like everything's going to be all hunky dorey from here on out.

 

You do need to be accountable for your temper and emotional abuse, but she will need to be accountable for her affair.

[Chi townD]

Taken from and article written by Dr. Marina Katz, MD from Psychology Today,

 

There are many reasons for infidelity such as revenge, boredom, the thrill of sexual novelty, sexual addiction. But experts say that a large majority of the time, motivations differ by gender, with men searching for more sex or attention and women looking to fill an emotional void.

"Women tell me, 'I was lonely, not connected, I didn't feel close to my partner, and I was taken for granted,'" marriage and family therapist Winifred Reilly says. "They say they wanted to have someone who would look into their eyes and make them feel sexy again."

 

and another...

 

Rutgers University biological anthropologist Helen Fisher, author of Why Him? Why Her?andWhy We Love, says men are more likely to cite sexual motivations for infidelity and are less likely to fall in love with an extramarital partner. Women, she says, tend to have an emotional connection with their lover and are more likely to have an affair because of loneliness.

 

^^^ note that Dr. Fisher didn't say that they were looking for mindblowing sex^^^^

 

Another paragraph in Dr. Katz study...

 

But experts say that women's motivations to have affairs are typically more than sexual. That's not to say that some women don't have affairs just for the sex or that sex wasn't important. But in general, women's motivations aren't just about sex.

 

And another article written for The Woman's Connection by Ruth Houston. And Infidelity Expert and has written many books on the subject stated the following paragraph.

 

]Numerous studies on infidelity bear that out. In one study, 75% to 80% of the men who admitted to having extramarital affairs said that sex was the primary reason. Only 20% of the women who were having extramarital affairs said they did so for purely sexual reasons.

 

 

My post doesn't go without merit or forethought. These studies have shown that the MAJORITY of women don't seek out sexual gratification. The more desired outcome of the affair is the emotional connection, NOT purely the sexual gratification for most.

Edited February 18, 2014 by Chi townD

[tired girl]

I never said my affair was about sex. It wasn't. Not even close. That was simply the tool I chose to use to try to end my marriage. One minute into the sex I wanted it to end. If I could have walked away right then I would have. I think a lot of men whose wives cheat don't understand exactly what is going on with them when they do. There is a pretty big disconnect that has to happen in order for us to do that. I would agree with a lot of things that were bolded in that article and what was happening in my marriage. Problem is, I didn't go looking for it in the OM.

[tired girl]

The worst thing a woman can do is to marry and f--k another man.

 

I has always bothered me that the stigma is so much worse for women than it is for men.

 

OP,

 

What are your plans to work on yourself? Is your wife showing any remorse for what she did?

[Chi townD]

How did my posting quotes from current articles on the subject to defend my position turn into "slut shaming"?

 

I think the point of those quotes was to show (according to those articles) that 80% of men enter into an affair for sexual gratification (and the majority of OM's know they are getting with a married woman), and 80% of women enter into an affair looking for something more than sexual gratification.

 

Therefore, you can deduce that they are entering into a "give and take" relationship. And logic would dictate that women will give into the sexual aspect of the affair in order to maintain this symbiotic relationship.

 

It's a logical deduction. And if women are looking for something MORE than sexual gratification, than how am I calling them a slut? Or are you implying that I'm calling them an emotion seeking slut?

[William]

Let's get back to assisting the thread starter in resolving their personal issue and save the warring studies and statistics for another thread in another forum. Thanks!

[thedmc]

I think the OP should just forgive and forget. It's tough being in a relationship when you are emotionally and verbally abused, Especially when this is with someone you have chosen to spend the rest of your life with. He should focus on his issues, Go to couples therapy (if she wants to go), and go from there.

[sidney2718]

The separation for us happened do to the nature of my behavior from being veritably/emotionally abusive. And i'm not talking about yelling or name calling, it was the kind of abuse that was subtle but constant, like bringing home work stress and taking it out on her. The separation was meant for her to have time apart (I'm in the military and sometimes frequent trips away from home actually kept us happy) to ponder her future with me. While not ALL of the blame can be put on me, she was the one who was trying more in terms of trying to make life ok.

 

There you have it in a nutshell. You know what you have to change in yourself. This is not just for your wife, but in case you do divorce, for your future happiness.

 

So many other posts talk about how women let things build up, and most of the time the husband doesnt/cant see it, that was us. As for her relationship with this other guy, I didnt start until a good two weeks after we separated.

Understood. While you cannot condone her affair, you do understand how it came about.

 

Understand that part of my problem now is our separation happened and I still lived under the same roof, we just tried to be separate. This made things difficult for me and if you google the 180 degree rule, yeah i was the opposite, trying to convince her to give me a chance instead of giving her her time. In doing so I pushed her away, and her outlet to vent was the other guy, whom she slept with.

Be careful. The 180 is NOT meant to repair a relationship. It is a way for one person to separate themselves from the other. It does not build love or respect, it tears it down. Since you are not aiming at divorcing your wife, why do that?

 

Of course it is a good idea to avoid nagging her, getting in her face, and constantly begging her (which you should not do in any case). But emotional separation won't help what you are trying to attain -- emotional closeness.

 

I'm not sure what is meant by am I still a serious option for her. If it means I will take her back, I would. Tonight we actually kind of talked, with out the relationship being brought up, she asked me to crack her back since yoga was canceled and her back hurt, I ended up giving her a head to tow back massage. I can forgive/forget about the affair and to show that, everytime I massaged up her thighs, all I could think about was moving her panties to the side and eating her out. Our sexlife by the way as a side note had its ups and downs, sometimes with passion and lust, and sometimes just there to get off.

Hmm, sounds like a normal marriage! But if I understand this correctly, you are willing to put the affair aside, but she has yet to see any change in your abusive behavior? If I'm correct, then you know what a major priority for you is. As I said above, you must take care of this. I'd think that if you do, you have a good shot at reconciliation. If her mind was made up, she'd be gone by now. But she's still there.

[Scott0310]

Ok some more background. We have two kids together boy 8, and girl 4. As for why I want to save my marriage, well there are two reasons right there. Another that I cannot put into words is the way she makes me feel, our marriage wasn't all that bad, even with my "abuse" again abuse can even be a harsh word for what I did, I just wasnt sympathetic very often, there are things which I did that were romantic towards her such as kissing her when I left in the am for work and doing so again when I came home. Giving her gifts, and helping out around the house. The "abuse" I dished out alot more in the terms of having stopped all that, along with sometimes being mad when the house is messy when I leave and 14 hours of work later I come home and its still messy, and she is either sleeping or watching netflix. We never called each other names, nor physically harmed each other.

 

More often than not, when I used to come home after a long stressful day at work, as soon asI saw her I would just light up, my day would instantly be better regardless of what I felt from work. The pleasure I did get when I got something for her and her face just smiled like brightest star on the clearest night. Hell for just a "I like you" gift when we were dating, I used one of those sites and actually "bought" her a star out in the sky.

 

Except for this bit with this other guy which was short lived as now she told me its over, I have always had trust in her, and her love for me. I'm in the military and we started dating while I was stationed Korea, we had a hot couple of weeks while I came home for my mid-tour and she stood by me when I went back for the remainder of my time, she moved with me to Italy where we were married. Multiple deployments and she was always there for me. I never once in the 10 years we've been together, seen my self with anyone else but her. We do make each other laugh, and cry, and when I'm gone, I literally feel empty because I dont have her at my side.

 

I have been seeing a Chaplin to help cope, and control my anger, and I think up till now I've done a complete 180, I've yet to get mad, I've controlled my anger and so far kept every promise I've made about what I told her I'd do. She has made me go through (this last 7 weeks) what I've put her through over the last several years, and I get it, and nI have not said anything, hell the only way I can correct my mistakes and understand at least sort of is to put myself in her shoes and understand what it feels like.

[Scott0310]

Sea,

 

a Chaplin for me was about the only option. I am in the military stationed overseas, I have actually tried to talk to some actual marriage counselors but they never returned my calls (not something I needed to experience). Although I am not religious in anyway, for me talking to the Chaplin helped, and in a way I dont understand. I have actually already ordered a book or two (it sad but why not) on self help for anger issues, which is why I am in the situation I am in now.

 

Also for me, taking these steps has actually shown her I am keeping the promises I made her about trying to better myself for both me and us.

 

I know alot of you have gotten mad for me not wanting to think of her having slept with someone else, but that is something I think I need to do, to both keep my self from going on a murderous rampage, and to try and fix my family. There are more than enough stories of marriages that survive and actually end up flourishing after something like this. I have trusted her for 10 years, on my many deployments, she has remained faithful. Even now I feel lucky to have found a woman like that instead of one of the many examples of spouses cheating when their SO's are away on deployments, granted this happened now, I do understand I have to learn to trust her again, and if things do work out, she understands that is a topic we will have to discuss when we re-build our commitments to each other.

[Try]

abuse can even be a harsh word for what I did, I just wasnt sympathetic very often, there are things which I did that were romantic towards her such as kissing her when I left in the am for work and doing so again when I came home. Giving her gifts, and helping out around the house. The "abuse" I dished out alot more in the terms of having stopped all that, along with sometimes being mad when the house is messy when I leave and 14 hours of work later I come home and its still messy, and she is either sleeping or watching netflix. We never called each other names, nor physically harmed each other.

 

More often than not, when I used to come home after a long stressful day at work, as soon asI saw her I would just light up, my day would instantly be better regardless of what I felt from work.

What you are calling abuse is not abuse at all. It is called being a normal human. You gave more detail of your so called abuse in your first post to this site in another thread where you stated "Over the years I had become emotionally abusive to her, now I don’t mean constant yelling and name calling, but there was some times when I made her feel bad because she can’t find a job, usually difficult for military spouses overseas) I also usually messed up on holidays, didn’t do squat for her birthdays/anniversaries or mother’s day." Again, after reading what you are calling abuse above, it is just not there.

 

You being "mad when the house is messy when I leave and 14 hours of work later I come home and its still messy, and she is either sleeping or watching netflix" is not abuse, it is her being a lazy bum. You making "her feel bad because she can’t find a job" is not abuse, it is her not trying hard enough. You not "Giving her gifts" like you use to is also not abuse in any dictionary on this planet. This is crazy talk. I cannot beleive that you are buying into this crap. Cheaters tend to blame-shift. Knowing that as humans no one is perfect, cheaters hold their spouse to a standard of perfection that they do not hold to themselves, knowing that they will fail. They do this because they want you to fail to rationalize their cheating as your fault. This is what your wife is doing to you. Stop buying into it.

 

Your wife does not get to have sex with other men every time that she wants, while enjoying the financial benefits of being married to you (even living in the same home), simply by stating that she wants a separation.

Edited February 23, 2014 by Try

[Scott0310]

Try,

Don’t get me wrong; while it may sound like I am taking the blunt of the blame for my current predicament, a good portion of it is on her as well. It is actually hard to put into a forum a complete history about what has transpired in our marriage, for example when I leave for work and the house is a mess, and it is still a mess when I come home doesn’t mean that she didn’t try to take care of it. A number of times I would sometimes get the chance to come home and surprise her with lunch, and the house would actually be pretty well kept up. One thing that sometimes gets left out and forgotten is we have two kids together, and they have a tendency to destroy the house. Hell even the other day I was up late so I decided to clean everything, took me about 3 hours to clean the house, floors, vacuum and dishes. Morning comes around kids wake up, by the time I get out of bed and head downstairs, the house is destroyed with toys.

 

There are times when she is being a lazy bum and it infuriates me, sometimes I start yelling at her, others I actually talk to other stay at home moms and try to get their perspective on military spouse home life. And actually I get some of the same responses, its hard, you try and try and sometimes it feels like you get nowhere. She is not really reaping too many benefits of staying with me right now, I have her cut off from the bank accounts to a point (still have to buy stuff for the kids) but I do monitor the account. I already have set in place a plan to send her packing back to her mom’s in a heartbeat and there is not a damn thing she can do about it, her visa here is based on my word; if I truly get tired of whatever games she’s playing.

 

I guess where I fault in all of this is I read too much, and having talked to a Chaplin and other folks who’ve experienced similar separations, most of them wait it out, and the majority of the time, reap a better marriage because of the emotions that flew during the periods.

[sidney2718]

Scott, where do things stand now with your wife? How are you?

 

Two other things. I think that working on what you called "abuse" is important. If it visibly made you wife upset, then it was probably not a good thing.

 

The other thing is again something you know. Being a military wife is a G*d awful draining experience, especially with children. You get uprooted from all your friends, getting and keeping a job is difficult, and you have little enough to look forward to other than cleaning house. But she's stood with you through it all.

 

Have you talked to her about the stresses on her? An affair, no matter what she says, gives her someone else to talk to and something to look forward to, even if it is something as horrible as an affair.

 

I think that you and she can work this out. So do others here. Keep at it and remember, you can always come here and talk.

[Jonah]

My ex really let me have it on her way out.totally in my face. hurt. Yes. Blame her? Not at all. the words I said made her feel like crap and she sought comfort. She said the same thing, that I would use her affair against her. But she said that as a way to keep her distance. if your w wanted you back at this point, would she use that excuse not to r? No, she would just want to r. I like what you say here in the thread. But if I was to suggest,I would ask that when you mentionmension the negative things that you contributed, don't justify it by saying she did or didn't do this or that. Just own it. Shoulder the whole thing. After all, you were the captain. best thing right now is to take ownership of your life, improve yourself. Then she can come along and improve with you or she can do what my ex did and spiral downhill. Either way, you win. But of choose if you do stay the same, it would be quite possible that you would drive the next gal away too and once again suffer a very deserving disrespect.

Edited February 24, 2014 by Jonah
bad Skype

[Try]

Try,

Don’t get me wrong; while it may sound like I am taking the blunt of the blame for my current predicament, a good portion of it is on her as well.

First, whatever you are saying now, if you reread all of your prior posts, you have been taking the blunt of the blame. Second, what you are calling "abuse" is not in any way anything near being called abuse, so stop saying that you have abused your wife. Using your wife's ridiculous and self serving defintion of abuse, you could say that your wife abused you when she made you come home from a 14 hour work day to dirty house so that she could watch Netflix. I am afraid that your response means that you are a Nice Guy that still does not understand that no matter how hard that you tried to be perfect, it would never be good enough for your wife to prevent her from using your lack of perfection as an excuse to cheat. She is making you play a game that she does not want you to win, where she makes the rules, and gets to act as judge and jury. She has rigged the game to make you take the blame for her cheating. This is not new, this is right out of the cheater's handbook. Like a hamster stuck running in a tread-wheel, matter how hard that you run, you cannot get anywhere until you get off the wheel. Edited February 24, 2014 by Try

[Scott0310]

The primary reason why I do not put too many of her faults in here other than what I have seen is because of just that. I have no idea what went on while I was at work, what I do know is our conduct while I was home. That is where I do take a good portion of the blame. When you have a married couple, where one of the spouses makes every attempt to at least do something on holidays, birthdays, even Valentine’s Day, and you look at the other spouse and see that they haven’t put forth any effort to those events, the latter has some issues, I would forget days like mother’s day as well. My wife is by no means a deadbeat wife nor is she anywhere close to a model wife however, she just over the years got tired of taking care of the house and kids all by herself, and I don’t blame her. Sure I would get mad that I would come home and have to do something which she could have done during the day, let’s say sweep the floor put away the dishes and take out the trash…all of these tasks pretty mundane, well why should I have to do it after I get home from work? Makes me feel like I have two jobs where she has none (read sidney2718’s post about military spouses). Something that never really crossed my mind was that being a stay at home mom with two kids is a full time job, you don’t get to clock out at the end of the day. Just because I do with my actual job doesn’t mean I can when I get home, I started a family, meaning responsibilities, where does it say I don’t have to uphold them?

 

That is where I faulted a lot, didn’t show her appreciation and often when she asked me for help and I wouldn’t “do a good job” or didn’t do it RIGHT away we would argue. She performs the job from the moment our kids wake up till way after they go to bed, meanwhile I am playing on the computer, or watching all of the 2 hours a week I typically watch TV. It may or may not look like “abuse” but that is the word I am associating with it, after years of the same repeated behavior, one could classify it as such.

[Scott0310]

Scott, where do things stand now with your wife? How are you?

 

Two other things. I think that working on what you called "abuse" is important. If it visibly made you wife upset, then it was probably not a good thing.

 

The other thing is again something you know. Being a military wife is a G*d awful draining experience, especially with children. You get uprooted from all your friends, getting and keeping a job is difficult, and you have little enough to look forward to other than cleaning house. But she's stood with you through it all.

 

Have you talked to her about the stresses on her? An affair, no matter what she says, gives her someone else to talk to and something to look forward to, even if it is something as horrible as an affair.

 

I think that you and she can work this out. So do others here. Keep at it and remember, you can always come here and talk.

 

Sidney

We have talked about the kind of stress it puts on her, although I never really "listend" all I kept hearing was excuse why, I guess it was a fault of my position. At work it bugs the piss out of me when people ask questions with out trying to find the answer first, sometimes I brought that home without realizing it. Her quick affair, I guess the only reason why I havent flown off the handle is because of what I have read being some of the main reasons why spouses do that, they are looking for the feelings/connection they should be getting from home, and when they find it with someone else, even though its not the same thing, they associate it as such. And that plays tricks with the mind, sometimes leading to an affair when one isnt warranted. I only recently started to actually pay attention and try to fix my mistakes, about 6 months ago I was promoted and put into a better job, one which afforded me more off time to spend with my family, something I sorely lacked. Unfortunately it was during this transition point for me that things broke down, I was not quick enough, nor did I acknowledge to her that I was trying to fix (I wanted her to just see the changes instead of telling her) where I went wrong in the past.

[Chi townD]

That is where I faulted a lot, didn’t show her appreciation and often when she asked me for help and I wouldn’t “do a good job” or didn’t do it RIGHT away we would argue. She performs the job from the moment our kids wake up till way after they go to bed, meanwhile I am playing on the computer, or watching all of the 2 hours a week I typically watch TV. It may or may not look like “abuse” but that is the word I am associating with it, after years of the same repeated behavior, one could classify it as such.

 

 

Okay, fine! You weren't husband of the year. But, here's the deal. You can be blamed for 50% of the problems in the marriage. And she can own up to the other 50%. But, her cheating on you was 100% on her. That was NOT your fault. You didn't ask for that and you didn't deserve it. That was a CHOICE that she made and you had nothing to do with that. So, STOP TAKING THE BLAME FOR HER SELFISH CHOICES!!!!

[sidney2718]

Sidney

We have talked about the kind of stress it puts on her, although I never really "listend" all I kept hearing was excuse why, I guess it was a fault of my position. At work it bugs the piss out of me when people ask questions with out trying to find the answer first, sometimes I brought that home without realizing it. Her quick affair, I guess the only reason why I havent flown off the handle is because of what I have read being some of the main reasons why spouses do that, they are looking for the feelings/connection they should be getting from home, and when they find it with someone else, even though its not the same thing, they associate it as such. And that plays tricks with the mind, sometimes leading to an affair when one isnt warranted. I only recently started to actually pay attention and try to fix my mistakes, about 6 months ago I was promoted and put into a better job, one which afforded me more off time to spend with my family, something I sorely lacked. Unfortunately it was during this transition point for me that things broke down, I was not quick enough, nor did I acknowledge to her that I was trying to fix (I wanted her to just see the changes instead of telling her) where I went wrong in the past.

 

It is often pointed out here that you cannot change your wife, all you can do is change yourself. And you can't do that unless you are happy with the changes you want to make.

 

Another thing often pointed out is that constant apologies make you look weak. If your wife is "normal" she probably wants a strong husband, one whom she can look to for support and protection. Actions speak far louder than words.

 

So you have to make changes to yourself. She'll notice, even though you are separated. Don't tell her about the changes, she'll pick up on them fairly quickly.

 

In all fairness I have to admit that you have one major disability. That is the lack of a counselor. Individual counseling can be very helpful in working out what YOUR problems are. And an individual counselor might well help your wife as well. But you indicated that counselors are NOT available to you, and that's a downer.

 

But you can get some help here. There are books and on-line articles. Others here will know them better than I do, so keep reading this thread.

 

Last: I wish you all the luck in the world. I know that you are doing a job that must be done. I just wish that the human cost was a bit less...

[Scott0310]

So I’ve been a bit MIA for the last few weeks, a lot of things have changed with my separation. Most noticeable are my wife and I are talking and being much more civil now. As I stated before, I believe I’m past the shock phase of the split, and I am no longer hounding her trying to take me back. I know with all of the advice and comments I have had on here, both positive and negative have been appreciated, but I wanted to get a woman’s perspective on this now. We are actually more of a normal married couple right now than we have been for years, all except for the “in love” part since we’re separated.

 

 

During this separation she has dated, and slept with a guy; he ended up “dumping” her shortly afterword’s, something for which I blame her for because she fell into the “rebound” trap; guy finds a vulnerable woman and takes advantage, while she actually told me that I was pushing her away with always hounding her asking for a second chance. While I have not forgotten her indiscretion, I can let it go, not worrying about the semantics of is it cheating because we’re married, or not because we’re separated. So many people on here have talked about how they had a spouse “cheat” on them however, they still managed to work things out and live quite happily now. As far as our separation is concerned for the ladies here, if you’re in my situation (or wife’s rather) and you tell your husband that you want to just be alone, to find yourself again, but doing so might need you to date other people. Reason behind it is to find out if you (she) can build back up those feelings of trust and security, that not all guys are lying. She told me that with the guy she dated, she was just waiting for him to fail because she expects it. Waits for the “romance” to die off because she expects it to; she wants to find these emotions again to where maybe she can re-develop these feelings so that if she was to give us another shot, she would have feelings for me again.

 

 

 

I just want to know if this sounds normal or bull****. As a guy, if our roles were reversed and I told her I just needed time along to myself, I’d take time alone, NOT date other people. She has asked me to date other women, but I don’t care to, and I know she wants me to in hopes I do something so maybe she doesn’t feel so guilty about what she did. Something I don’t plan on doing and she will have to live with.

 

 

 

So far over the past two months I have kept up what I told her I needed to change about me, no rage issues, I’ve given her time to herself, I’ve taken care of the kids and house without her help. Begun to just pay attention to her and what she needs versus trying to fix everything. Basically the stuff which I realized brought us to this situation I have “fixed” I know I have to keep it up to show her I am not just going to fall back to the old days, something we have both agreed that our old marriage is dead, and any reconciliation would mean a new marriage. It is tough, and I am trying to be patient, but I just need a wife’s perspective on her actions on how valid they are or not.

[harrybrown]

Sorry, but it takes two to make a marriage work. You are trying, she is not.

 

She should be begging you to take her back, and showing remorse. Did she use a condom? Has she been tested for stds?

 

You will not get her back by doing the "nice" things. If you want her back, start filing for divorce, start dating others and be ready to move on. She may wake up and realize she is about to lose you. Then she may see you as desirable.

 

She has cheated again, move on to someone that values their kids and you.