giterdone Posted January 19, 2005 Share Posted January 19, 2005 Hello everyone reading this. My question that I have is this: Should women be concerned about a man's history? Example: My boyfriend has cheated on almost everyone of the girls he has been with. He says the reason for this (although, he admits that it was wrong to do it) was because that they never made him happy and treated him like dirt. Should women be concerned if their boyfriend has done this in the past??? Or should you just say that it is in the past and forget it?? Let me know your opinions on this.. Thanks!!! Link to post Share on other sites
savethedrama4allama Posted January 19, 2005 Share Posted January 19, 2005 On the positive note, he's being honest with you about his history. On the obviously negative note, just because your sig. other makes you unhappy or treats you like crap is no excuse to cheat- we all know it- all he would have had to do is break up with them before jumping in bed with someone else. Statistically speaking, you'll get cheated on too. Proceed with caution. -llama Link to post Share on other sites
Hund1976 Posted January 19, 2005 Share Posted January 19, 2005 Well people can change, but I would watch out. Especially since he cheated multiple times and justified it by saying the girls treated him crappy. If someone treats you crappy break up with them. Link to post Share on other sites
morrigan Posted January 19, 2005 Share Posted January 19, 2005 I agreee with savethedrama4yrmama--your bf at least was honest about what he's done to other women. I'd be concerned that he solely blames his ex-girlfriends for his cheating. He doesn't take responsibility for his own behavior. Link to post Share on other sites
JoL Posted January 19, 2005 Share Posted January 19, 2005 Well i agree that it is a good thing he told you the truth about cheating.. HOWEVER...BIG RED FLAG...his BLAMING his ex-girfriends for treating him like dirt is a big warning sign here. Any person who blames their entire behaviour on their ex is trying to excuse their behaviour. So what happens when you say something to upset him..and he goes and sleeps with another girl. Does it make this YOUR fault? Of course not, he is the one choosing to go and stick his weenie in someone else because he gets "upset". Hell, ive been upset with ex-boyfriends before, but i have never cheated on them! Ive been treated like absaloute garbage..and i havent cheated. My ex, when we met, told me he had always been lied to and treated unfairly..I THEN discovered his LOVELY verbally and emotionally abusive personality. No wonder he blamed everything on his ex's...he wanted to cover up the real reason his r'ships didnt last- his dispicable behaviour. He is trying to make this their responsibility..when he should be taking the blame for his own actions. I hate people walking around saying "all my ex's hurt me, im such a victim, poor me, i only cheated because i was angry" it's no excuse. Don't buy it- if he has cheated on every single girlfriend then chances are he wont be able to mend his ways that easily. Now everyime you argue and he says "you are treating me like dirt!" you'll be wonderng what he's off doing..or more like WHO he's off doing. Sorry, but i know for a fact- any guy/girl who says "all my exs treated me badly..but it will be different with us! youre special!" is seriously deluded. He was the common factor in all of his relationships- maybe..JUST MAYBE it's not the girls he picks but it's HIM and the way HE chooses girls..and then chooses to deal with rocky relationships. Watch yourself with this guy. Link to post Share on other sites
poister Posted January 19, 2005 Share Posted January 19, 2005 I agree with JoL - it's very true that this guy is the common element in all those relationships that proceeded so badly that cheating was the "only" option. If you feel that this relationship is nonetheless something you would want to pursue, you may find it advantageous to discuss ahead of time some potential ways of his dealing with perceived mistreatment in the relationship, that do not involve, as JoL so eloquently put in, "sticking his weenie in someone" (love that line!). That being said, there's no garantee that he'll follow any steps that you've planned, but he might. (For example, you might institute ground rules where you are both required to attempt a conversation about the issue prior to taking action or some such.) That being said, I would encourage caution on your part. My personal history indicates that those who are not willing to take responsibility in one component of their life are unlikely to do so in others. In other words, he may not take responsibility for sexual protection. What happens if he cheats on you without taking appropriate precautions, and you are then exposed to a disease? So, with sincere hopes that he WON'T cheat on you, I would encourage you to use protection religiously with someone with this kind of background. (Sorry for the preaching!) Link to post Share on other sites
Author giterdone Posted January 20, 2005 Author Share Posted January 20, 2005 Well, I know that everything cannot be their fault. We have talked about his ex's and he KNOWS and ADMITS he has made quite a few mistakes with them. I did not believe him when he first told me how his ex's treated him because I know that their is two sides to every story, right? His daughter is the one that I believe with all of my heart, and she has had to go to counseling because of all of his ex's that had "abusive problems." Lord knows he admits he should have broken up with the girls but, I love him and his daughter and would never do that to them. I have often thought of making up an alternate email and emailing him pretending to be some girl and try flirting with him just to see what happens... but, I find myself feeling decietful and gulity. Whenever my thought of him cheating comes up, he (of course) tells me that I am wonderful and nothing like all of the other girls. I believe people can change as well because I have therefore, I know that it is possible. But, I see what all of you are saying. Do you think that if he is, in fact, cheating... I will find out about it eventually?? Or will I have to do some "detective" work to find it out?? Link to post Share on other sites
morrigan Posted January 20, 2005 Share Posted January 20, 2005 In your shoes, I wouldn't waste the time and effort of checking up or falsely emailing a guy to get peace of mind that he won't cheat on me. From what you've posted, it sounds like you really don't trust him not to ever cheat on you. Some people can change if they make the decision to. It has nothing to do with how happy a SO makes them. If you stay with this guy, I'd keep your eyes wide open. Link to post Share on other sites
moimeme Posted January 21, 2005 Share Posted January 21, 2005 This kind of man is never satisfied. You, too, will disappoint him. He will eventually find reasons you 'didn't make hime happy'. What you've learned is that he's not a problem-solver; he bails and cheats and makes excuses. I would run far and fast. he (of course) tells me that I am wonderful and nothing like all of the other girls. He told all the other girls that, too. Link to post Share on other sites
JoL Posted January 21, 2005 Share Posted January 21, 2005 Hey- my ex was abusive too, and I still stayed faithful with the belief that if i am in a relationship, i am not going to stray, no matter what the reason. We broke up, because of his abuse, but i still didnt cheat, in fact, i havent been with anyone else just yet. The thing is, you need to be with someone who shares your opinion and ideas on sex and faithfulness. it's really easy to do something and then turn around and say i am so sorry! i didnt mean it ! and hope people believe you. you dont trust this guy anyway, i would just keep a close eye on him at all times, and if he shows defiante signs of cheating- then corner him and demand an explaination. Link to post Share on other sites
JoL Posted January 21, 2005 Share Posted January 21, 2005 EXACTLY my point in my first post too moimeme!!! I agree 100% I guarantee he told the others the EXACT same thing too...watch out Link to post Share on other sites
opaleye Posted January 21, 2005 Share Posted January 21, 2005 He will probably cheat on you. My ex-bf told me this too, he also said that he had never been dumped, always the dumper. And guess what? He cheated on me AND dumped me. Fun fun. And I really believed that he wouldn't because he promised me that I was different (it's always like that) but his true nature wouldn't allow him to be faithful. I don't know if he can ever be faithful. His friends had told me that he would "get bored" with me. And he did i guess. Now I wouldn't even bother with a guy who I knew was likely to do that to me again. And even less so if he seemed to not be too concerned about it or to try to justify it. Link to post Share on other sites
Author giterdone Posted January 23, 2005 Author Share Posted January 23, 2005 Hey, I was wrong about some of the info I provided about my bf. We had a long, I MEAN LONG talk about the whole past realtionship cheating thing. There has only been 3 women he has cheated on. He admits it was wrong... and he does not blame the women. He said that he takes full responsibility on what he did, and admits that it was wrong but, they are not the ones to blame. He does say that he was unhappy in the relationship at the point and just let things get out of hand. He was married for about 3 years and never cheated on that women. So, if it was anything to do with long-term relationship, wouldn't he have cheated on her? Of course he could be lying but, I never really picked and pryed at his past relationships like I did the other night. I just always "assumed" things. So, is this still bad or not as bad? Is it still considered a pattern? Link to post Share on other sites
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