Is this relationship going anywhere? We bought a house together

[brig]

My boyfriend and I bought a house together. We're both 33. Been together for 2.5 yrs. Living together coming up on one year. Boyfriend's still not sure if he wants marriage/kids. But he's well aware since our relationship started that's what I want. He says he wants me to want him no matter what (even without marriage/kids) but understands me and that I want those things. I get frustrated and sad sometimes to the point where I'm crying alot because I feel unsure of where this is going and that he doesn't want to commit or be mature. I love him and I care about him but I do want those things. He says we own our house together/have a cat, he's not sure about marriage and kids though. I want to be with him just wish I had something more. Plus I feel like time is running out, don't want to get into the dating scene, another relationship etc. This is my fourth serious relationship. Been seriously screwed over by a guy in my early twenties, never married and still wanting it. Help!

[mammasita]

Why oh WHY in the world would you buy a house with this man WITHOUT BEING MARRIED FIRST?

 

Do you understand that you threw away any hope of ever being married to him when you did that? He has absolutely no reason to marry you - he has everything: The house, the woman, the cat.

 

There is nothing to work for now, no prize. Why would he have to commensurate anything with a piece of paper now?

[amaysngrace]

Exactly what mammasita just said. You have nothing to bargain with anymore.

 

Not only that but now you're locked into a house together. It's so much harder to walk away from that.

 

How many bedrooms is the house?

[brig]

My boyfriend and I bought a house together. We're both 33. Been together for 2.5 yrs. Living together coming up on one year. Boyfriend's still not sure if he wants marriage/kids. But he's well aware since our relationship started that's what I want. He says he wants me to want him no matter what (even without marriage/kids) but understands me and that I want those things. I get frustrated and sad sometimes to the point where I'm crying alot because I feel unsure of where this is going and that he doesn't want to commit or be mature. I love him and I care about him but I do want those things. He says we own our house together/have a cat, he's not sure about marriage and kids though. He says he's scared I'm going to leave him. I want to be with him just wish I had something more. Plus I feel like time is running out, don't want to get into the dating scene, another relationship etc. This is my fourth serious relationship. Been seriously screwed over by a guy in my early twenties, never married and still wanting it. Help!

Edited February 17, 2014 by brig

[brig]

It's a gorgeous home, almost 3000 square feet, 4 bedrooms.

[BikerAccnt]

As someone who's been married, then bought a house with someone without marrying them, and is single again...

 

 

My only advice, and it's too late for it actually, is knowing what you know about him, you probably shouldn't have bought the house with him. At your ages both of you should know what you want out of life. You want marriage and children, he doesn't. Buying a house with him isn't going to change that fact.

 

 

I never wanted kids, and was lucky enough to find women who didn't either. Still, neither of those relationships worked out, despite owning houses with both of them! A house, means nothing. It's just an object. Even buying it with someone means nothing.

 

 

I hope I don't come across as harsh, but, unless he has a serious change of heart, what do you expect to come of this?

[mammasita]

See my response to your first thread

[ExpatInItaly]

I don't think it looks good, OP.

 

I will state the obvious and say you should not have purchased a house with this guy, regardless of how much you love him. You said he understands that you want marriage and kids, but do you understand that he doesn't? If this has been the case from the get-go, you both knew what you were getting into. Were you hoping he'd change his mind? He might have been hoping the same from you.

 

I'm sorry you have found yourself and believe me, I know how much this hurts. I believe that the bottom line is that your future goals are different. When one person wants marriage and children and the other isn't sure, there's not much you can do other than accept that and compromise your own dreams...or move on. I think you need to have a very honest re-assessment of where things are going between you two and whether or not you can really have a future together and both be happy. Don't waste any more time worrying about your future - get out there and start living it.

[TheNewMe2014]

Coming through 10 years of marriage and now getting divorced, here's my advice to everyone:

 

Do not settle. Do not accept less than everything you want - no matter what you think you feel about someone. Resentment or worse will eventually resolve in a relationship.

 

Sure, you can get through the small stuff - but bigger issues: compatibility, shared interests, kids, etc. These are all things you think you can deal with and then eventually, over the years, become more and more of a problem.

 

Particularly if you want kids, don't settle. That doesn't mean you have to make your decision tomorrow. But, you need to seriously consider. Owning a house is a minor problem in a break-up compared to dealing with kids or 10 years of intertwined life.

 

I regret not finding the whole package. It caused me to be listless for many years. Now, as I've gotten out and on my own again - I realize how much a relationship that didn't have everything I wanted, affected my personality and my life.

 

I'm not trying to be harsh either, but please at least consider what I'm saying. I'd also not try to force him to settle for something he doesn't want - you will be hurt in the end, as well.

[PegNosePete]

Yeah, have to say if you want kids and he doesn't, then that is kind of a deal breaker. It's not something you can compromise on like whether you have red curtains or green.

 

To be fair it's not necessarily that bad that you bought the house. Depending on your incomes, assets, etc. Either one of you buys the other out, or you sell it and split the money according to whatever legal documents you drew up. You did draw up legal documents didn't you? Otherwise the split would go to whatever you can agree between you, and if you can't agree it would be whatever your local laws say.

[amaysngrace]

It's a gorgeous home, almost 3000 square feet, 4 bedrooms.

 

Well at least if you wanted to start dating you can have your own bedroom :/

 

When was the last time you two talked about your future together? Does he know how important it is to you to have a family? What does he say?

[carhill]

First, congrats on purchasing a home.

 

Second, you're getting a taste of why I choose to be married *before* cohabiting. Your posting illustrates the can of worms and ambiguity which *can* result from co-mingling your personal and financial lives without being legally married. Of course, you and he could/could have mitigated that but many people don't look at the 'nuts and bolts' of partnerships when in love and wanting to spend the rest of their lives together.

 

You live together in a nice 3K sq.ft. home with a cat. He's not sure about kids and marriage. The first is clear and unambiguous. The second means what? Clarify 'not sure'.

 

While I do despise applying the old maxim in cases where I'd like to see things work out and move forward, indeed whoever does care less has the most power and control. Scary version? Your want (to be married and have kids), absent any meaningful consequences for lack of synergy, gives him the power and control here. As always, everyone has choices.

 

Having been married and divorced, and knowing how complex associations can become, especially to unwind, I sincerely hope you covered all your options when taking ownership of such a large and illiquid asset as a home, presuming buying homes isn't like going to the grocery store (for wealthy people it is like that). You're investing in your future with today's life work. Make it count. Good luck.

[Eivuwan]

I agree with everyone who said that it was a huge mistake to commit to something like buying a house together without first getting married. Perhaps you have trouble putting your foot down on something in a relationship and drag out the inevitable. Does he know how miserable you are? You can't make a guy want to marry you and have kids with you. You can only control what you do. You may or may not be able to get married during your child bearing years. How do you feel about being a single mom using a sperm donor? I'm not trying to be insensitive, but you have to consider all possibilities instead of waiting around hoping that he'll change. One of my professors did get artificial insemination because she couldn't find the right man in time.

[hotgurl]

Why oh WHY in the world would you buy a house with this man WITHOUT BEING MARRIED FIRST?

 

Do you understand that you threw away any hope of ever being married to him when you did that? He has absolutely no reason to marry you - he has everything: The house, the woman, the cat.

 

There is nothing to work for now, no prize. Why would he have to commensurate anything with a piece of paper now?

 

Well I bought a house with my now husband before getting married. We drew up a contract as to how the house would be handle per a breakup. Pay out etc... So I was protected.

 

But that being said we had serious conversations about marriage prior to buying the house. He knew I would not do it if he did not intend on marrying me. We got engaged the summer after we bought the house. I had a child so it was double important to me especially since I was moving to a different state.

 

We had already been living together for 2 years prior to the home purchase.

 

That being said it was probably a mistake since he is so ambiguous. Does he have a reason why he doesn't want to get married?

Edited February 17, 2014 by hotgurl

[HappyLove]

I wouldn't settle OP. If you want children you should have them. Will you have to start over, yes but you may meet a magnificent love. As a woman especially we literally don't have the time to just let this go. A man can be 60 and change his mind we can't. It's also not fair to force someone to have kids either. I think you have been being naive and desperate because you think time is running out. We don't have all the time in the world but at 33 you have PLENTY of time to find your right match and live your dreams.

 

One thing I've noticed is that if a man wants kids they hardly ever will compromise and not have kids if their wife doesn't, unless she just wasn't able to. That is a deal breaker for most men. But women for some reason will throw their dreams away of having children if they meet a man who doesn't want them. If your miserable and crying over this it doesn't sound like this is a very happy and compatible relationship.

 

What if 10 years go by and you guys break up and he has children with the new chick. You will feel like such a fool. Go after your dreams girl.

Edited February 17, 2014 by HappyLove

[clia]

My boyfriend and I bought a house together. We're both 33. Been together for 2.5 yrs. Living together coming up on one year. Boyfriend's still not sure if he wants marriage/kids. But he's well aware since our relationship started that's what I want. He says he wants me to want him no matter what (even without marriage/kids) but understands me and that I want those things. I get frustrated and sad sometimes to the point where I'm crying alot because I feel unsure of where this is going and that he doesn't want to commit or be mature. I love him and I care about him but I do want those things. He says we own our house together/have a cat, he's not sure about marriage and kids though. He says he's scared I'm going to leave him. I want to be with him just wish I had something more. Plus I feel like time is running out, don't want to get into the dating scene, another relationship etc. This is my fourth serious relationship. Been seriously screwed over by a guy in my early twenties, never married and still wanting it. Help!

 

If he doesn't know whether he wants to marry you after 2.5 years and buying a house together, then I hate to be the one to break the news, but he does not want to marry you.

 

If you want marriage and kids, you need to end your relationship with this guy so you can go find a man who wants to marry you and have children with you. At 33 years old, you do not have time to waste on a guy who can't figure out what he wants. Why on Earth did you buy a house with him?

[Gaeta]

After 4 failed relationships haven't you learn something?

You should have never bought that house with him unless you were 100% happy with your relationship and you knew you were heading toward the same future.

 

House can be bought, and they can be sold.

 

You are young get out of there and find a man sharing the same life goals as you.

 

Good luck

[Poppygoodwill]

YOu're asking the question but I think you already know the answer, and to his credit, he's been as honest as you have: you want kids/marriage, he doesn't.

 

Waiting for that will only lead to frustratin for you and the ticking clock. I've never one for ultimatums, but I think you won't be able to move on unless he really makes it 100% clear that you will not get what you want from him. I think you need to give him an ultimatum about kids/marriage and then move on if he can't meet it.

 

Wise words I always remember: you get what you settle for.

[William]

As there were apparently two threads addressing a similar topic, moderation merged them and placed them in MLP due to the nature of the relationship and advice sought. All content has been retained. Please continue!

[brig]

Well at least if you wanted to start dating you can have your own bedroom :/

 

When was the last time you two talked about your future together? Does he know how important it is to you to have a family? What does he say?

 

It just came up yesterday. That's why I was crying. We don't talk about it too much because it's a heated issue and we've been trying to get through our problems. We went to couples counseling from October - November to help deal with understanding each other/listening/being in control of our emotions/communicating because we were having problems with our arguing. At that time we agreed not to talk progression of the relationship due to trying to sort out our problems first. But of course with my clock ticking progression is still on my mind when there's peace and happiness in our relationship, no arguing for about a month.

 

He knows how important is for me to have a family. When we first started dating we were having intercourse no protection but I didn't get pregnant. Then I promised myself not to do that because I want marriage before kids, I want to know he chooses me because he wants to and not because he has to.

 

He says that he's "open" to kids but not a sure yes/still dosn't know and ultimately is scared. He says he's scared every time we talk about kids.

 

He says the same thing about marriage. He is scared, dosn't know if he wants to get married. He often talks about divorce and is very focused on how so many people get divorced etc. (which I don't understand because his parents have been married for about 30-40 years and mine are divorced!)

[Els]

If it is very important for you to have kids, then I think that you should not be wasting your time on a 33-yo man who isn't sure that he wants marriage/kids.

 

Which country do you live in? Do you know what legal recourse you will have if you separate with him and want to split the assets? Can you get legal assistance for that?

[ExpatInItaly]

It just came up yesterday. That's why I was crying. We don't talk about it too much because it's a heated issue and we've been trying to get through our problems. We went to couples counseling from October - November to help deal with understanding each other/listening/being in control of our emotions/communicating because we were having problems with our arguing. At that time we agreed not to talk progression of the relationship due to trying to sort out our problems first. But of course with my clock ticking progression is still on my mind when there's peace and happiness in our relationship, no arguing for about a month.

 

He knows how important is for me to have a family. When we first started dating we were having intercourse no protection but I didn't get pregnant. Then I promised myself not to do that because I want marriage before kids, I want to know he chooses me because he wants to and not because he has to.

 

He says that he's "open" to kids but not a sure yes/still dosn't know and ultimately is scared. He says he's scared every time we talk about kids.

 

He says the same thing about marriage. He is scared, dosn't know if he wants to get married. He often talks about divorce and is very focused on how so many people get divorced etc. (which I don't understand because his parents have been married for about 30-40 years and mine are divorced!)

 

OP, he's trying to tell you something. He's not going to marry you.

 

One of my closest friends was in the same position. He was "terrified" of marriage. She pressured him and he finally caved and got her a ring. They got married. One year in, and guess who now wants a divorce?

[HappyLove]

You two want very different things in life. If he's so scared I sure as hell wouldn't be wasting my time with his fraidy cat ass. He's TOLD YOU he doesn't want marriage and kids! When a man tells you what he doesn't want LISTEN! Not only had he TOLD YOU with his words. He had SHOWED YOU with his ACTIONS. Years dating still no ring? Someone needs to start LISTENING!!!

[thedmc]

Why would you buy a house with someone when you are not even sure that they want the same things as you? How about instead of complaining on a forum, You sit his ass down and tell him you want a ring on your finger and a baby in your belly. Simple as that.

[Mr. Lucky]

You live together in a nice 3K sq.ft. home with a cat. He's not sure about kids and marriage. The first is clear and unambiguous. The second means what? Clarify 'not sure'.

 

In this case, 'not sure' means he doesn't want kids but wants to keep her...

 

Mr. Lucky