Dogberry Posted February 17, 2014 Share Posted February 17, 2014 My wife and i were maried 20 years. She was never the most adventurous person in bed but we still enjoyed an active sex life. However increasingly she got less interested, she would often put off sex, and when it did happen it was often after i had badgered her into it, and then it would be only once. I found myself either frusrtrated or looking at porn. Eventually i paid for sex, a couple of times. I hated that and my self esteem hit rock bottom, umtil i met someone who clearly liked me and i had an affair, then another. Finally i decided to leave the marriage. I hate being divorced and losing my house which i loved. My question is would you have stayed? Link to post Share on other sites
BlessYourCottonSocks Posted February 17, 2014 Share Posted February 17, 2014 I hate being divorced and losing my house which i loved. My question is would you have stayed? What does it matter what another human being is capable of? Would it make it easier for you to swallow your own indifference? Sex was important to you. To another, marriage would be more important. But as humans, we are all different. I believe you are trying to alleviate your guilt, even if you don't want to admit it. Morally, you know you did something that is seen as wrong. But logically, you felt it was what you had to do to satisfy your needs. Sex was more important to you than your home or marriage, as for me...I'd be the opposite. Sex is an act. Having a place to call home and a marriage is a quality not many people can respect. That doesn't make you wrong, it makes you different. 4 Link to post Share on other sites
mammasita Posted February 17, 2014 Share Posted February 17, 2014 Nope. A relationship without sex is a friendship. 6 Link to post Share on other sites
894hjk Posted February 17, 2014 Share Posted February 17, 2014 (edited) No, I love sex. Way too important. And I'm a woman. My ex only wanted sex a couple of times a week and that became a problem for me. But I've been on the other end too, with an ex fience who became more of a brother to me and I found it hard having sex with him because although he was attractive and I loved him, he didn't really do it for me towards the end of the relationship. The spark had gone. But I loved him and wanting to spend the rest of my life with him which is odd...although I was only 24! Edited February 17, 2014 by a LoveShack.org Moderator Merge 3 Link to post Share on other sites
Author Dogberry Posted February 17, 2014 Author Share Posted February 17, 2014 We did talk about it, or i tried to. My ex would never admit that it was happening and wouldnt discuss any hormonal issues she may have been having. Six months before i started going elsewhere she moved out of the bedroom and refused to move back. Maybe she did have issues, or just went off sex. Link to post Share on other sites
carhill Posted February 17, 2014 Share Posted February 17, 2014 As sex is an expression of love I can only share with a member of my sexual preference, for myself it is an elemental part of the marriage partnership, as my commitment to spouse has forsaken acting on opportunities for sex with others. Hence, my answer to the title would be 'no'. OP, since you're divorced and experienced the withdrawal of sex firsthand and saw where things went for you, you have the benefit of reflection. Accepting that you had no control over your wife at all, if you had a 'do over', what would you choose to do differently? I'm asking because each experience in life teaches us and I'm curious to understand better what lessons you learned from your exW 'going off sex' and the results of her choice regarding yourself. 3 Link to post Share on other sites
Author Dogberry Posted February 17, 2014 Author Share Posted February 17, 2014 As sex is an expression of love I can only share with a member of my sexual preference, for myself it is an elemental part of the marriage partnership, as my commitment to spouse has forsaken acting on opportunities for sex with others. Hence, my answer to the title would be 'no'. OP, since you're divorced and experienced the withdrawal of sex firsthand and saw where things went for you, you have the benefit of reflection. Accepting that you had no control over your wife at all, if you had a 'do over', what would you choose to do differently? I'm asking because each experience in life teaches us and I'm curious to understand better what lessons you learned from your exW 'going off sex' and the results of her choice regarding yourself. That is an interesting question. She was a difficult person to talk to, could i have tried more? I dont know. I certainly tried. I guess my regrets are simply that i didnt choose better. The warning signs were there early on, but i didnt recognise them. Link to post Share on other sites
whichwayisup Posted February 17, 2014 Share Posted February 17, 2014 I hate being divorced and losing my house which i loved. My question is would you have stayed? Did you still love your wife though? Or did the resentment of no sex build up and ruin your love for her? What if she was in an accident and couldn't anymore and that's why she couldn't do it.. Or if you couldn't physically have sex, would you expect her to divorce you? How much do circumstances play into this? 20 years of marriage is a lot of throw away. 2 Link to post Share on other sites
Author Dogberry Posted February 17, 2014 Author Share Posted February 17, 2014 Did you still love your wife though? Or did the resentment of no sex build up and ruin your love for her? What if she was in an accident and couldn't anymore and that's why she couldn't do it.. Or if you couldn't physically have sex, would you expect her to divorce you? How much do circumstances play into this? 20 years of marriage is a lot of throw away. I think the resentment was a factor, and the lack of affection, at least physical affection, there were in fairness other problems too. I think if it were a physical issue, i would have probably soldiered on, whilst getting sex elsewhere. 1 Link to post Share on other sites
janedoe67 Posted February 17, 2014 Share Posted February 17, 2014 Did you still love your wife though? Or did the resentment of no sex build up and ruin your love for her? What if she was in an accident and couldn't anymore and that's why she couldn't do it.. Or if you couldn't physically have sex, would you expect her to divorce you? How much do circumstances play into this? 20 years of marriage is a lot of throw away. An accident may mean someone can't have sex. No sex because someone WONT is completely different. 2 Link to post Share on other sites
FallingLeaves Posted February 17, 2014 Share Posted February 17, 2014 No- I wouldn't stay in a closed sexless marriage. I would probably work to fix the issue, or open up the relationship. If absolutely everything failed, I would consider a D. Though I wouldn't have gone out and paid for sex while married either. I personally find that to be a really awful decision, especially if it was without the consent of your wife. Move on and find a partner that fits, and don't do that ever again. Link to post Share on other sites
Better Posted February 17, 2014 Share Posted February 17, 2014 I was in a sexless marriage for a very long time. I never cheated in any way, but I eventually became resentful. We went to counseling but it didn't help, as nothing changed and we continued to not have sex. When I finally told her that I wanted a divorce and was moving out, she promised to change. I stayed, she didn't change, and we eventually divorced. I still remember her last ditch effort to have sex with me to prevent the divorce but at that point I was so resentful and unhappy that she was the last person in the world I ever wanted to have sex with. I'm much happier now. So no, I would never stay in a marriage without sex. 1 Link to post Share on other sites
TaraMaiden Posted February 17, 2014 Share Posted February 17, 2014 A marriage without sex isn't 'living'. It's 'existing'. A relationship where the sex is only 5% of the preoccupation, is wonderful. A relationship where the sex is 95% of the preoccupation is woeful. Link to post Share on other sites
Silly_Girl Posted February 17, 2014 Share Posted February 17, 2014 No, I couldn't have continued. It would have eaten me up from the inside out. Link to post Share on other sites
central Posted February 17, 2014 Share Posted February 17, 2014 I was in a sexless marriage for a very long time. I never cheated in any way, but I eventually became resentful. We went to counseling but it didn't help, as nothing changed and we continued to not have sex. When I finally told her that I wanted a divorce and was moving out, she promised to change. I stayed, she didn't change, and we eventually divorced. I still remember her last ditch effort to have sex with me to prevent the divorce but at that point I was so resentful and unhappy that she was the last person in the world I ever wanted to have sex with. I'm much happier now. So no, I would never stay in a marriage without sex. This is a lot like my first marriage. I eventually divorced her, and soon found a wonderful, lusty woman who became my wife. Life is great - now. Link to post Share on other sites
man_in_the_box Posted February 17, 2014 Share Posted February 17, 2014 Maybe if the rest of the relationship was good but I don't know. Never went without long enough to judge whether I'd be capable. Link to post Share on other sites
peruano99 Posted February 17, 2014 Share Posted February 17, 2014 No, I can't do that. Link to post Share on other sites
iris219 Posted February 18, 2014 Share Posted February 18, 2014 Was she willing to pleasure you in any way, besides intercourse? Did you try counseling or having her see a doctor? Honestly, after 20 years, I'd stay if the marriage was good in other ways. I'd rather masturbate and have companionship with the person I love than be alone and still having no sex or sex with people I may not love. 1 Link to post Share on other sites
Mr. Lucky Posted February 18, 2014 Share Posted February 18, 2014 This is a lot like my first marriage. I eventually divorced her, and soon found a wonderful, lusty woman who became my wife. Life is great - now. Same situation here. Had more sex in the first month of my second marriage than in the last decade of the first . Central, you need a bite from the other side of the apple. There's a whole world out there with no rejection, resentment, frustration, guilt or shame. Quit looking back... Mr. Lucky 2 Link to post Share on other sites
quankanne Posted February 18, 2014 Share Posted February 18, 2014 interesting conversation. And yes, to your initial question. I *have* stayed in a sexless marriage. However as another poster pointed out, because it was strong in every other way, it's been the kind of sacrifice that after you live with it for a while, you realize that sex is only the tip of the iceberg. do I miss sex? Yeah, sometimes, but honestly, my silicone sancho takes care of the worst of the physical needs. But no longer think of it as *horrible* being in a sexless marriage, because my husband is pretty affectionate otherwise: We hold hands, we sometimes snuggle, we hug and kiss, and there's no doubt that we have love for each other. So, it could be much, much worse, in my way of thinking. I feel for those couples who don't have that foundation needed to get through patches like this, because it's really the only thing that's kept me from bolting. The love is stronger than what I'm not getting. And to me, that's what counts. 1 Link to post Share on other sites
Author Dogberry Posted February 18, 2014 Author Share Posted February 18, 2014 Was she willing to pleasure you in any way, besides intercourse? Did you try counseling or having her see a doctor? Honestly, after 20 years, I'd stay if the marriage was good in other ways. I'd rather masturbate and have companionship with the person I love than be alone and still having no sex or sex with people I may not love. Yes i tried all that, and no apart from looking after me she didnt engage in any kind of contact. Link to post Share on other sites
dichotomy Posted February 18, 2014 Share Posted February 18, 2014 (edited) My wife and i were maried 20 years. She was never the most adventurous person in bed but we still enjoyed an active sex life. However increasingly she got less interested, she would often put off sex, and when it did happen it was often after i had badgered her into it, and then it would be only once. I found myself either frusrtrated or looking at porn. Eventually i paid for sex, a couple of times. I hated that and my self esteem hit rock bottom, umtil i met someone who clearly liked me and i had an affair, then another. Finally i decided to leave the marriage. I hate being divorced and losing my house which i loved. My question is would you have stayed? This is a decision each individual has to make. Sounds like the grass was not greener for you in your choice which is something I have considered as well. How long into your 20 year marriage did you have an active and okay sex life? Is you ex wife dating? Wonder if she found her mojo again. Edited February 18, 2014 by dichotomy Link to post Share on other sites
giotto Posted February 18, 2014 Share Posted February 18, 2014 I'm staying, but I have children and they are more important than a fulfilling sex life... Link to post Share on other sites
TaraMaiden Posted February 18, 2014 Share Posted February 18, 2014 Take the children out of the equasion (they're not kids for ever....) Without children in the picture - what would you do? Link to post Share on other sites
giotto Posted February 18, 2014 Share Posted February 18, 2014 Take the children out of the equasion (they're not kids for ever....) Without children in the picture - what would you do? I would go... Link to post Share on other sites
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