janedoe67 Posted February 20, 2014 Share Posted February 20, 2014 I don't know what the answer is. I just know heaping amounts of guilt over how I AM is definitely NOT the answer. It's a sad world to live in when wanting the person you love is seen as something to be ashamed of, and that was the point I was at.....at the corner of "I'm wrong to want this" and "I'm not good enough to deserve it." Riding in a bus called "If you were noble you could easily live without it." It just doesn't work that way. 2 Link to post Share on other sites
Kobalt Posted February 21, 2014 Share Posted February 21, 2014 (edited) Yes, I have. I've been married for 35+ year. There has been no sex or other intimate contact in my marriage for over 3 1/2 years. We don't even kiss, hold hands or hug. This is not the first "dry spell" I've gone through. We went through a similar but shorter spell when the kids were growing up. I told her then, that I will still be around when the kids are gone and things need to change. The kid are now grown up and gone. Even though I'm approaching retirement age, I still have the same desires, just maybe not as often. I had a feeling when we stopped making love on my birthday, Fathers Day, Valentines Day and our wedding anniversary about 5+ years ago that I was heading down a path of no return. It was 98% me who initiated to be intimate through our marriage. Is once every week or two, too much to ask? I keep myself in good shape by working out 5 days a week. I've been a good provider for all these years. I'm tired of chasing and won't lower myself to beg for it. We now have a marriage of convenience. It would be costly to both of us if we split up, but i think about it often. I embarrassed to say I recently strayed to a few ads on for Body Rubs just to feel the touch of a women. We are both capable and do not have any medical conditions that prevents us from having sex. I'm at the point where I really can't imaging being intimate with her now. Thanks for listening. Edited August 17, 2014 by a LoveShack.org Moderator Link to post Share on other sites
Cabin Posted February 21, 2014 Share Posted February 21, 2014 As a woman who was married eight years or so with a pathetic sex life (my choosing), I definitely say "get out". I had sex with my former husband once a month at best for nearly a 10-year period, and at the time, I thought that was a decent amount. Now, I've been in a relationship for four years where the sex continues to be at least 3 and often 5 times a week. I finally "get it": why sex is SO important in a relationship. If you want to relate, you have to have sex. My former husband is remarried and I only hope that he's having a great a time in bed as I am. 1 Link to post Share on other sites
rumbleseat Posted February 22, 2014 Share Posted February 22, 2014 I don't know what the answer is. I just know heaping amounts of guilt over how I AM is definitely NOT the answer. It's a sad world to live in when wanting the person you love is seen as something to be ashamed of, and that was the point I was at.....at the corner of "I'm wrong to want this" and "I'm not good enough to deserve it." Riding in a bus called "If you were noble you could easily live without it." It just doesn't work that way. For you, was it lack of sex or lack of sex as well as lack of other forms of intimacy as well? If sex is not his way of expressing love for you, did he try in other ways? Were you able to find some way to reach an understanding about the different ways you express intimacy and emotional closeness? If not, were the two of you ever able to figure out what was going on with him? I Link to post Share on other sites
janedoe67 Posted February 22, 2014 Share Posted February 22, 2014 For you, was it lack of sex or lack of sex as well as lack of other forms of intimacy as well? If sex is not his way of expressing love for you, did he try in other ways? Were you able to find some way to reach an understanding about the different ways you express intimacy and emotional closeness? If not, were the two of you ever able to figure out what was going on with him? I There wasn't much of ANY kind of intimate affection, though hugs happened with some regularity. Of course, I threw several bombs of my own onto the marriage because I coped by cheating instead of having the character to make the tough decision. In the end, the marriage is ending. Quite a few people of my faith would cluck their tongues over that....but the Bible also says in I Cor 7 not to deprive each other. I can't describe what touch starvation feels like when touch is your primary love language. As far as what was going on with him. According to the many many talks WE had: NO - he was not abused, NO - he is not gay (though I am not 100% sure about that one based on some of the porn use and weird friendships), No- he did not have low T, YES - he did think I was sweet and pretty and attractive etc. He just didn't need it, didn't think about it, and didn't want to work on it. Those were his words. Link to post Share on other sites
Tayla Posted February 22, 2014 Share Posted February 22, 2014 Resoundingly, NO . It's a form of rejection. That is no way to maintain a relationship on any level. Lived it, didnt care for it. If its about staying because its the lesser of two evils, then its really time to walk away. Some values are not to be compromised, and that is the good choice to live by. 2 Link to post Share on other sites
Tayla Posted February 22, 2014 Share Posted February 22, 2014 okay , my apologies from the earlier, a friend reminded me of a few circumstances that would allow one to stay, so here is one of them If my spouse was in a terminal state, I would stay to help him thru his illness , or be his support....chances are he might miss that intimacy too, yet his health would impede that level of relation.... Reckon I wasn't thinking outside the box...there are some couples I have tended to in their later years where they stayed married , and the tenderness they shared was more pure then the bedroom scenes of the younger folks. I apologize for jumping the gun and only thinking of the active years.... 1 Link to post Share on other sites
janedoe67 Posted February 22, 2014 Share Posted February 22, 2014 Jane, As always im sorry to hear what you went through. But I'm still always surprised that you feel so little sympathy for my plight based on what you went through. It's just as devastating to get very infrequent intimacy, especially for guys. I feel like I am gagging for it every day and she just doesn't seem to care.. even seems to tease a lot. Like last night she wanted to have a shower together and it was painful to see her naked and wiggling her ass but not being able to do anything intimate aside from cuddling. I went for months and years without sex. Even in the beginning of my marriage, sex every six days would have been a banquet. Link to post Share on other sites
MissBee Posted February 24, 2014 Share Posted February 24, 2014 My wife and i were maried 20 years. She was never the most adventurous person in bed but we still enjoyed an active sex life. However increasingly she got less interested, she would often put off sex, and when it did happen it was often after i had badgered her into it, and then it would be only once. I found myself either frusrtrated or looking at porn. Eventually i paid for sex, a couple of times. I hated that and my self esteem hit rock bottom, umtil i met someone who clearly liked me and i had an affair, then another. Finally i decided to leave the marriage. I hate being divorced and losing my house which i loved. My question is would you have stayed? The question for me isn't about would I have stayed but more so would I have cheated or would I have tried to constructively work things out? Sex, while important, is only an aspect of a marriage. I imagine me marrying a man isn't gonna be simply or primarily because of sex, so if sex is the only unsatisfying aspect I would view my marriage as a whole and decide how to rectify that area before cheating or before making any decisions to leave. As someone who is dating, finding real love and someone with whom you're compatible and comfortable is hard and if I marry a man it is because above all others he has fulfilled me in all the most essential ways; therefore, my mentality would be exhaust ALL options to fix any marital issues before throwing in the towel. Affection is more important to me than sex, so I'd quicker be tempted to cheat if my husband wasn't affectionate, ignored me etc, but if he was still attentive, loving etc but the sex was less I wouldn't be prompted to leave because of that. Long story short though, it clearly depends on the specifics of the situation and the people and each individual has to decide for themselves, but for me as I said being committed to my relationship means committed to communicating and exhausting all options to make things work so I would do those things FIRST and only when I realize leaving is worth more than staying and things cannot change would I leave. But depending on my age and whatever else is going on, lack of sex may not be enough of an impetus for me to leave. Link to post Share on other sites
TaraMaiden Posted February 24, 2014 Share Posted February 24, 2014 Well I've just been told that it isn't going to happen anymore. She is stopping her BC so that's it. Why is she stopping BC? What transpired to bring this about...? Were you 'pestering' her again....? So now even once a year sounds good. Lol Count your lucky stars she's still with you.... Link to post Share on other sites
janedoe67 Posted February 24, 2014 Share Posted February 24, 2014 Well I've just been told that it isn't going to happen anymore. She is stopping her BC so that's it. So now even once a year sounds good. Lol Perspective. You don't know this will be the case. On another note, it irritates me that people assume those of us starved for sex and affection DIDNT "constructively work on the problem." Link to post Share on other sites
TaraMaiden Posted February 24, 2014 Share Posted February 24, 2014 Oh jane, I'm 100% certain YOU did.... Link to post Share on other sites
janedoe67 Posted February 24, 2014 Share Posted February 24, 2014 Oh jane, I'm 100% certain YOU did.... I'm not sure what this means Link to post Share on other sites
TaraMaiden Posted February 24, 2014 Share Posted February 24, 2014 Just as I'm 100% sure as others complaining of a sexless marriage - didn't.... .....it irritates me that people assume those of us starved for sex and affection DIDNT "constructively work on the problem." Link to post Share on other sites
janedoe67 Posted February 25, 2014 Share Posted February 25, 2014 Just as I'm 100% sure as others complaining of a sexless marriage - didn't.... I'm still not following, but then again I only slept 4 hours last night... There are some people, sadly, who do NOT let their spouse in on their unhappiness. I admit that for the first few years of my "starvation," I just endured and got sad a lot and was frequently grumpy. Then there were times I let him know in all the wrong ways, like nagging or getting mad or those side remarks. BUT then I found this amazing marriage book, and then a couple more, and I tried to honestly and calmly lay it out. I tried to meet all of his needs. I also spent a good bit of time praying that God would make me content without it....or that God would give my husband a desire for his wife. We even talked about it in MC, which was about the time he said he didn;t think we really needed MC anymore. NOTHING will ever justify the terrible choices I made. Nothing. However, just because I made terrible choices does NOT mean I did not move heaven and earth to try to be good enough for the man who promised to love and cherish me to TOUCH me. Link to post Share on other sites
quankanne Posted February 25, 2014 Share Posted February 25, 2014 (edited) So I will stay in this marriage and not have sex. I am trying to figure out how to let that happen without ruining my life/marriage/partnership. is he open to other forms of sexual intimacy? Necking, oral sex, nekkid hugging, massage, etc? Or are the both of you worried that it'll trigger a high blood pressure episode? If this is a possibility, definitely explore it! as sick as this may sound to some of you, delayed gratification can be pretty ****ing hot *blushes* Edited February 25, 2014 by quankanne Link to post Share on other sites
tdd Posted February 25, 2014 Share Posted February 25, 2014 I would not stay in a marriage or relationship where the sex part of it had gone downhill, if at the time it was still important to me. I can't really say what I will feel at the time that might happen. Perhaps 20 years from now, both my spouse and I wouldn't have sex as much, or be disinterested, but we are the best of friends and don't need it anymore. That happens to a lot of marriages. And it works for them, they have built more around their family and their home, and that gives them the satisfaction they need. However I think it has to be mutual. If you still want the sex aspect of it, and someone is disinterested in it, it doesn't make the relationship worth it anymore, if they are not willing to try for you. Sure there are sacrifices in relationships, but there are also compromises. I would personally leave the marriage as well, because sex is something I value and think is important, and I look forward to the passion aspect as equally as the companion aspect. To you it was as well, so I think you did the right thing. It just sucks that you have to sacrifice your home and everything you loved to eventually be happier in a different relationship. But it is worth it rather than being stuck and miserable, going through affair after affair to satisfy your needs. Link to post Share on other sites
nais Posted February 25, 2014 Share Posted February 25, 2014 My wife and i were maried 20 years. She was never the most adventurous person in bed but we still enjoyed an active sex life. However increasingly she got less interested, she would often put off sex, and when it did happen it was often after i had badgered her into it, and then it would be only once. I found myself either frusrtrated or looking at porn. Eventually i paid for sex, a couple of times. I hated that and my self esteem hit rock bottom, umtil i met someone who clearly liked me and i had an affair, then another. Finally i decided to leave the marriage. I hate being divorced and losing my house which i loved. My question is would you have stayed? People will use the Bible against you- for better or worse, till death and all that When it simply stats two shall become one flesh. Well walla! that was giving peeps the right to fornicate in my opinion with one another. However, this same Bible tells you that you can leave- you have a right to leave- just that you are not to remarry but who follows those rules? I think if a person can add ish to the vows then why not when you disobey these vows go all out. If she locked down on her yanna like that, what choice then did you have but to seek release. She held back on your needs, something else was able to fulfill, if she could not abide with what you had to do for you- especially if it lasted as long as it sounded- then she is much better off alone with her juices backing up. Link to post Share on other sites
acrosstheuniverse Posted February 25, 2014 Share Posted February 25, 2014 It depends. Ideally, no. I love sex, I have an active sex life as far as I can, I am always trying to please my partner. I'm more adventurous than anyone else I know. But... I have some health issues that mean I can't always have sex. Sometimes it just hurts too much. I have been sick for about 9 years and it's chronic, I'm on meds etc. and it's backed up by years of medical records. Sometimes it's too painful. In my two year serious relationship, at one point I couldn't really have sex for six months, penetration hurt so bad. I felt so guilty and like such a terrible girlfriend I did some things I regret, like allow it to happen while I was in agony. I was on prescription ketamine for a while, so I would take that until I was zoned out and then let my ex do it from behind and just try and block it out. I see women on here who are turning down their partners regularly, and think... I'd give ANYTHING to be able to just have sex as and when I want to. I wouldn't put myself through that again. But I am a queen at blow jobs haha, my own health issues aren't a barrier to me wanting to still have sex life even if it isn't always PIV. So hopefully someday if I get married, I'll end up with a man that understands and appreciates my problems, and wouldn't leave me if I had a year spell where I couldn't actually have sex. It's not my fault, ya know? Every partner I've had so far apart from one has been massively understanding, supportive, etc. My new (3 weeks ha!) boyfriend and I were doing it the other night, and it started to hurt really bad halfway through. I tried to hide it so he could still enjoy himself but he could tell I was hurting, stopped and just held me and stroked me and snuggled me and kissed me after I took my medication to try and handle the damage it had done to me. I honestly suddenly liked him a million times more for being so supportive. So in my own circumstance, having experienced this, yes I would have a marriage without sex. But I wouldn't have a marriage without sexual interaction. And the cuddling and kissing is even more important than sex, I think. The brushing someone as they walk past, being unable to cook dinner without mauling each other. All of that has sustained during all of my relationship even towards the end... I don't date people I'm not really into. Sorry, long! 1 Link to post Share on other sites
ZMM Posted February 25, 2014 Share Posted February 25, 2014 NO NEVER! Wait a second, yeah I guess I would, or at least I did for a very long time. Link to post Share on other sites
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