Would you live in a marriage without sex?

[soccerrprp]

I would leave and must confess feel a little guilty and selfish about that. I know couples, including, I believe, at least one her on LS that have gone many years w/o sex and seem happy. I'm providing this information as it was revealed via a public post, so nothing confidential.

 

Anyway, I would leave if I am in a point in my life that sex matters SO much. But, I really really hope with my current gf that doesn't become an issue. Going strong so far and we're in our mid-40s.

 

I say I feel guilty b/c she said something to me that blew me away not too long ago...she said to me that she wouldn't care even if we couldn't have sex anymore that she would still love me....want me....it was the strangest thing. We're the best, most colorful, fresh sex in our lives and she says this. She says that I fulfill her in so many other ways that sex is not as important as she thought it would be. Too bad more men are not like that...

[janedoe67]

I would leave and must confess feel a little guilty and selfish about that. I know couples, including, I believe, at least one her on LS that have gone many years w/o sex and seem happy. I'm providing this information as it was revealed via a public post, so nothing confidential.

 

Anyway, I would leave if I am in a point in my life that sex matters SO much. But, I really really hope with my current gf that doesn't become an issue. Going strong so far and we're in our mid-40s.

 

I say I feel guilty b/c she said something to me that blew me away not too long ago...she said to me that she wouldn't care even if we couldn't have sex anymore that she would still love me....want me....it was the strangest thing. We're the best, most colorful, fresh sex in our lives and she says this. She says that I fulfill her in so many other ways that sex is not as important as she thought it would be. Too bad more men are not like that...

 

I don't think you should feel guilty at all. Sex IS a central part of marriage, and the only person from whom you can receive/give it and remain faithful s your spouse. If someone chooses to do without that is their choice, but I get SOOOO tired of this noble, I'm-deeper-then-you-attitude that I get from people sometimes just because they have chosen to stay in a sexless marriage.

[TaraMaiden]

... I get SOOOO tired of this noble, I'm-deeper-then-you-attitude that I get from people sometimes just because they have chosen to stay in a sexless marriage.

 

....'for the sake of the children' makes it slightly more noble; but not by much, IMO....

 

You never get thanked for the self-sacrificial attitude.

Because it's not considered to be self-sacrificing.

Parents are EXPECTED to do 'noble' things, purely and simply for the very fact that they are parents; parents sacrifice a great deal, and forego a huge amount of personal freedom when they opt for parenthood. That's a given.

 

Therefore, this is just one added ingredient in the mix; fewer holidays, fewer restful nights, much less money in the pocket, and less sex.

 

All par for the course, it seems.

 

You hear kids thanking their parents and lauding them for all the sacrifices they made to 'give me a great education'

...."They invested time, money and effort, and supported me all the way. If it wasn't for them I wouldn't be where I am today"....

 

You never hear a kid say, "I know the sex was non-existent, but mom/dad stayed for my sake".

[stillafool]

Yes i tried all that, and no apart from looking after me she didnt engage in any kind of contact.

 

Do you have a new girlfriend and a fulfilling sex life now that you are gone?

[Dogberry]

Do you have a new girlfriend and a fulfilling sex life now that you are gone?

 

Yes, very much so.

[giotto]

....'for the sake of the children' makes it slightly more noble; but not by much, IMO....

 

You never get thanked for the self-sacrificial attitude.

Because it's not considered to be self-sacrificing.

Parents are EXPECTED to do 'noble' things, purely and simply for the very fact that they are parents; parents sacrifice a great deal, and forego a huge amount of personal freedom when they opt for parenthood. That's a given.

 

Therefore, this is just one added ingredient in the mix; fewer holidays, fewer restful nights, much less money in the pocket, and less sex.

 

All par for the course, it seems.

 

You hear kids thanking their parents and lauding them for all the sacrifices they made to 'give me a great education'

...."They invested time, money and effort, and supported me all the way. If it wasn't for them I wouldn't be where I am today"....

 

You never hear a kid say, "I know the sex was non-existent, but mom/dad stayed for my sake".

 

nobody wants to be lauded... some people go, some people stay. As you know, it's taken me a long time to get to this decision. And I've decided that sex is not more important than my kids. I'm not happy, but I'm not so unhappy to leave and see my kids every other weekend... or raised by another man... no, thanks!

[TaraMaiden]

I'm not sure how old your kids are, but even if you did divorce, and your wife DID find another guy... the kids wouldn't be 'raised by him'. They'd still know you were their dad, they'd see him as a rank outsider for some considerable time, and you never stop being a father, even if you divorce their fellow parent.

 

I'm not looking to start an argument with you Giotto... I'm more just being 'Devil's Advocate' and putting a different side to things.

A side i had to confront myself.

[giotto]

I'm not sure how old your kids are, but even if you did divorce, and your wife DID find another guy... the kids wouldn't be 'raised by him'. They'd still know you were their dad, they'd see him as a rank outsider for some considerable time, and you never stop being a father, even if you divorce their fellow parent.

 

I'm not looking to start an argument with you Giotto... I'm more just being 'Devil's Advocate' and putting a different side to things.

A side i had to confront myself.

 

I know... you were prepared to do it, I'm not. Maybe your situation was worse or I'm more tolerant. I quite like my wife, it's just the sex thing which is missing, with all the ancillaries... real shame. Things are not that unbearable, now that I've come to terms with it. It's only a matter of a few years, 5 tops... my kids are 21, 19, 16 and 13 now.

[TaraMaiden]

Mine were 13 and 20.

 

you have 2 adult kids, but the others are almost a similar age to the ages mine were...

 

I get why you're staying, but my kids have survived, and things are just fine between us....

 

My ex and I were the best of friends, too. I mean, really.

Massive.

 

Still, we must all come to our own personal conclusions and live with the consequences.

 

'Nuff said.

 

I wish you well, as always.

 

[janedoe67]

I've decided that sex is not more important than my kids

 

I would venture to say that no one ACTUALLY thinks sex is more important than their kids. That would be a very slanted and simplistic view.

[oldshirt]

I had roommates in my youth when I couldn't afford rent on my own.

 

Being in a sexless marriage is having an opposite sex roommate but worse. With a real roommate you can still date and still find someone special.

 

In my book a spouse that does not want and either refuses or grudgingly provides duty sex after begging, has forfeited their right to exclusivity or expectation of continued marriage. If they don't want a sexlife with you then they should expect you to seek it elsewhere or move on.

 

If my spouse no longer wishes sex with me I will move on. Whether I move on before or after the marriage is over depends on the specific circumstances.

 

To me the marriage ends when the romance/sexuality ends. The divorce is just the courthouse getting caught up with the legal paperwork..

[Raena]

Would I WANT to stay in a sexless marriage? No, not really. It's been my misfortune, however, to end up in sexless relationships for whatever reason. In both instances, my SO worked opposite hours of me and we didn't get to spend a great deal of time together. I hated it, but I loved both men and tried to make it work. I remained faithful and tried to make sure we spent time together. The first time, I lost interest in him altogether. The distance and how he treated me. We divorced and I found out later on that he cheated. The second one killed me. I wanted to be able to have sex with him more but he wasn't around and when he was, he showed no interest. I loved him with all my heart and it hurt like hell when he suddenly wasn't interested in me and was never home. He cheated also.

 

So... moral of the story for me is.... don't date someone who works when I'm off of work. In the end, they always cheat.

 

Or.... maybe I'll just stay single and forget about having a sex partner altogether. That's what toys are for. At least then I can't get my heart broken in the process.

[buyaka]

I'm staying, but I have children and they are more important than a fulfilling sex life...

 

So I am not alone in this. Total lack of any physical affection...

Edited February 18, 2014 by buyaka

[giotto]

I wish you well, as always.

 

 

Thanks... to you as well...

[quankanne]

Still, we must all come to our own personal conclusions and live with the consequences.

 

the other sexless relationship was with a boyfriend who went cold, and believe me, THAT was pure hell compared to now, because it was a constant thing, thinking I wasn't good enough, that he didn't care enough, blah blah blah. So, no, being in this particular sexless relationship with the guy I married really isn't horrible in comparison, because at least we've got a solid basis otherwise.

 

this isn't "gloating" as another poster had suggested, but honestly looking at what we have and balancing it against what we don't have. For me, the good far outweighs the bad. That's all.

[Hattie]

interesting conversation. And yes, to your initial question. I *have* stayed in a sexless marriage. However as another poster pointed out, because it was strong in every other way, it's been the kind of sacrifice that after you live with it for a while, you realize that sex is only the tip of the iceberg.

 

do I miss sex? Yeah, sometimes, but honestly, my silicone sancho takes care of the worst of the physical needs. But no longer think of it as *horrible* being in a sexless marriage, because my husband is pretty affectionate otherwise: We hold hands, we sometimes snuggle, we hug and kiss, and there's no doubt that we have love for each other. So, it could be much, much worse, in my way of thinking.

 

I feel for those couples who don't have that foundation needed to get through patches like this, because it's really the only thing that's kept me from bolting. The love is stronger than what I'm not getting. And to me, that's what counts.

I am curious if your marriage was always low on the sex, did it gradually taper off, or come crashing to a halt?

As a woman were you just okay with it right away ecause of the strong relationship? Did you ever blame yourself or feel bad about yourself?

Not pointing fingers...just wondering if it gets easier as time goes on.

[Ninjainpajamas]

You didn't mention how much of your marriage was sexless, however assuming 3/4 or at least 1/2 was, which for 20 years you're talking a good chunk of time..I think you failed yourself more than your marriage.

 

You just didn't/couldn't walk away, it's your responsibility to look out for yourself, you know your own needs, you know what you can and can't take and you can't expect another human being to be in charge of that in any circumstance, people prioritize their own needs or feelings much of the time anyway, so you must always consider the responsibility of doing what you need to do for you...regardless of what someone else says or thinks about it, who cares if they judge you or are pissed off, those people aren't the type to look in the mirror anyway and blame others for the problems.

 

Now you've had some paid sex, some affairs and your self-esteem took a huge hit...why did you stick around so long if things got so bad? and I think that's about fears, insecurities and such...I think that's really sad, man...20 years, that's a lifetime, depressing to think about even.

 

I don't blame you for having an affair or anything else you did for the sake of blaming you, I don't understand how any man/woman would expect their partner to be faithful given a poor sexual relationship in a marriage that is essentially neglectful of your partner, I think people take advantage of that "commitment" and feel that regardless of what is happening in the relationship you should be bound by honor and oath...and then you separate at one point or another because of it anyway. Or even worse, you get caught doing it and then the other person subjects you to abuse because of what you have done...making you out to be the complete bad guy and the cause for all the turmoil in the relationship, how convenient.

 

To the guys who can do it and stay faithful for the "family" sake and so they can pat themselves on the back at the end of the day for living in a neglected state by saying that's worth the sacrifice, hell I guess you're a much better man that I am...hell, I don't have any kids but could imagine doing anything for them already, but I don't know if I could ever say that staying unhappy is the only way to make it work and show them the light as that example, after all then they can grow-up and end up on LS and tell everyone "My parents loved each other soooooo much, they stayed together till the end, therefore I think that every marriage should wah wah wah stay together forever because that's what my parents did, they made it work and we're "in-love" *insert childish/idealistic/warped view of parents relationship from a child's point of view*" So you see, you're creating another one of those people, so damn you for that at least!

[rumbleseat]

You didn't mention how much of your marriage was sexless, however assuming 3/4 or at least 1/2 was, which for 20 years you're talking a good chunk of time..I think you failed yourself more than your marriage.

 

You just didn't/couldn't walk away, it's your responsibility to look out for yourself, you know your own needs, you know what you can and can't take and you can't expect another human being to be in charge of that in any circumstance, people prioritize their own needs or feelings much of the time anyway, so you must always consider the responsibility of doing what you need to do for you...regardless of what someone else says or thinks about it, who cares if they judge you or are pissed off, those people aren't the type to look in the mirror anyway and blame others for the problems.

 

Now you've had some paid sex, some affairs and your self-esteem took a huge hit...why did you stick around so long if things got so bad? and I think that's about fears, insecurities and such...I think that's really sad, man...20 years, that's a lifetime, depressing to think about even.

 

I don't blame you for having an affair or anything else you did for the sake of blaming you, I don't understand how any man/woman would expect their partner to be faithful given a poor sexual relationship in a marriage that is essentially neglectful of your partner, I think people take advantage of that "commitment" and feel that regardless of what is happening in the relationship you should be bound by honor and oath...and then you separate at one point or another because of it anyway. Or even worse, you get caught doing it and then the other person subjects you to abuse because of what you have done...making you out to be the complete bad guy and the cause for all the turmoil in the relationship, how convenient.

 

To the guys who can do it and stay faithful for the "family" sake and so they can pat themselves on the back at the end of the day for living in a neglected state by saying that's worth the sacrifice, hell I guess you're a much better man that I am...hell, I don't have any kids but could imagine doing anything for them already, but I don't know if I could ever say that staying unhappy is the only way to make it work and show them the light as that example, after all then they can grow-up and end up on LS and tell everyone "My parents loved each other soooooo much, they stayed together till the end, therefore I think that every marriage should wah wah wah stay together forever because that's what my parents did, they made it work and we're "in-love" *insert childish/idealistic/warped view of parents relationship from a child's point of view*" So you see, you're creating another one of those people, so damn you for that at least!

 

I fully realize that sex in a marriage is extremely important, but it is not the only thing. It depends on how one views marriage. If one views it as a place where two people love each other and create a loving home for their children, then sex has am important place, but to make it seem as if it is deserving of the " top spot" makes me question the logic of that thought.

 

It is part of an overall loving relationship, but to the attitude in the quoted post seems to turn sex into more of a selfish kind of power play " give me what I want or I am out of here, even if everything else is good". Where is the room for the question of " why"? Why doesn't the other person want sex at all? Why has the marriage become sexless?

 

If we are, after all, sexual beings, then why would one's spouse not want to have sex anymore (assuming that they did at one time)? Is it a health issue? Do they no longer find their spouse attractive either physically or mentally? Did their spouse act hurtful ly towards them were they made to feel pushed In to having sex when they didn't want to and now they feel used? Did they do their best to meet their oartner's needs and were made to feel bad or guilty for doing so? Do they just not enjoy sex anymore? What is going on? Surely, a better example would be set for the kids if mom and dad did their best to work through the problems than if they just called it quits without even giving it their best shot?

 

When it comes to the kids, if a couple keeps their sex life (or lack thereof) behind closed doors, and act loving and affectionate towards each other the rest of the time, then the kids will learn what a loving marriage can be like. They will learn about conflict resolution, affection, kindness, caring, how important it is to be supportive and so many more good things. If the lack of sex exists in isolation from the rest of the marriage, some people can make it work, and work well. If the lack of sex has ripple effects throughout the rest of the marriage and how the children are parents, then it's a much bigger issue. It's no reflection on the h and w, more a reflection on different people's ability to cope with a sexless marriage.After all, unless mom and dad are gettin it on ( or arguing about how they are not getting it on) and the whole house knows it,the kids won't be aware of lack of sex anyway, unless it is something the parents can't deal with and it bleeds over into the rest of their interactions. again, Some parents can provide a loving and nurturing environemnt even if they aren't having sex, while some can't.

 

To say that every marriage where there isn't sex should end because the children won't learn how to have a loving relationship seems to painting with a very broad stroke. Some can do it, some can't. Some parents can work. 12 hours a day, have kids in daycare or home alone most of the time but can still use the time that they have to provide an example to their kids of a loving relationship while others can't. Should we say that every marriage where both parents work long hours should be dissolved because it sets a bad example for the kids of how to have a loving relationship and a healthy marriage?

[violet1]

What is considered a healthy sex life when you've been with your spouse for at least a decade or more? My H and I currently have sex 1-2 times per week. For me personally, I think that's a decent amount. Our sex life at one point was about once a month to once every other month. We weren't even sleeping in the same bed for about year. I really felt like we were roommates, but nit because we weren't having sex. We didn't kiss, hug, touch or anything. At that point in time, our M wasn't doing well, but we are currently working on it though. I was strongly considering divorce.

 

Our M is slowly getting better. I sometimes work 70 hours per week. I get so tired that I don't want sex, I just want to be held. I think cuddling and being close is very intimate. I think I could probably go without sex in itself as long as there is some kind of physical intimacy going on.

Edited February 19, 2014 by violet1

[carhill]

What is considered a healthy sex life when you've been with your spouse for at least a decade or more?

 

As at any time during a M, it is what the spouses mutually feel is healthy for them. If there is disagreement regarding their respective feelings on the matter, it is similar to any other marital disagreement. Each has choices in how they handle such disagreements.

 

Aspects we covered in MC were, one, how to communicate such disparate feelings and perspectives on disagreements, as well as to 'put ourselves in the other's shoes'. As an example, to use your stated perspective that you are tired after a long work day/week and would be fine with being held/cuddled, etc, and presuming your H desires sex with you but respects that you're tired and meets your needs/desires by holding/cuddling, etc, how do you view this dynamic? You've had your needs/wants met and he has sacrificed his needs/wants in the process. OK, put that shoe on the other foot. H wants sex but has no interest in holding/cuddling with you. You sacrifice your needs/wants to satisfy him and have sex with him. Rinse and repeat over time and examine the relevant feelings surrounding that dynamic.

 

You apparently had a 'dry spell' where you and he separated bedrooms and rarely had sex or kissed and hugged, etc. How did that feel?

 

The OP made what I feel was a poor decision to have sex with another person to get his sexual needs/wants met. I've seen the same with MW's who have used me to satisfy their emotional needs not being satisfied by their spouse. I did similar during my EA. Those actions, while generally being damaging to the M, are separate from it, and similar 'needs/wants' dynamics exist within them just like within a marriage. The lesson I learned, being in an imbalanced marriage and clarifying it in MC, is to accept that imbalances occur and how to communicate one's needs/wants (in this case regarding sex) in a productive manner and, if no middle ground can be found, to move on in a positive way.

 

For some people, sex and emotions (love/desire/attraction) are or can be separate. For others they are inextricably integrated. If the minds don't meet on such issues, or through change become incompatible, that's OK! Accept the real and move on.

[BetheButterfly]

My wife and i were maried 20 years. She was never the most adventurous person in bed but we still enjoyed an active sex life.

 

However increasingly she got less interested, she would often put off sex, and when it did happen it was often after i had badgered her into it, and then it would be only once.

 

I found myself either frusrtrated or looking at porn. Eventually i paid for sex, a couple of times.

 

I hated that and my self esteem hit rock bottom, umtil i met someone who clearly liked me and i had an affair, then another. Finally i decided to leave the marriage.

 

I hate being divorced and losing my house which i loved. My question is would you have stayed?

 

I could not live in a marriage without sex. Thankfully, my husband loves sex and we greatly enjoy being each other's one and only sexual partner!!! :love:

 

I am sorry your wife lost interest. That must have been very discouraging and I am sad that you did not divorce her before having affairs. (Visiting prostitutes is having an affair as well, if you are married.)

 

My first marriage ended in divorce. We were both at fault, but I learned a lot of lessons from my ex-husband and I make sure not to make the same mistakes with my hubby now. My husband and I have been married for almost 3 years and the difference between my ex-husband and my husband is night and day! Because of this, I think it's so important to commit to one's soulmate!

 

Maybe your first wife was not your soulmate? That is my speculation. I would like to encourage you to consider meeting a wonderful lady for the purpose of finding out if she is your soulmate and committing to her after much soul-searching and questioning.

 

My husband and I asked each other a lot of questions and got to be good friends before we even met face to face. We would take for hours on the phone everyday (not about sex), which we never did before! Getting to know each other without being able to have sex (since we lived far away from each other) helped us cultivate our friendship.

 

I would like to encourage you to cultivate a friendship with a wonderful lady who you respect, and to talk with her about many things, including about her sexual needs, without turning it into a sex phone call. I think it's important to see if a couple is sexual compatible through communication way before seeing if that couple is compatible through touch.

 

What do you think?

[quankanne]

I am curious if your marriage was always low on the sex, did it gradually taper off, or come crashing to a halt?

As a woman were you just okay with it right away ecause of the strong relationship? Did you ever blame yourself or feel bad about yourself?

Not pointing fingers...just wondering if it gets easier as time goes on.

 

thanks for asking, Hattie, I don't mind honest questions!

 

some background: Husband is 13 years older, with a bad back, so while dating/early years of marriage, we had a pretty average amount of sex and it was pretty good. But because the back problem progressively got worse, his sex drive – already naturally waning because of the aging process – took a nose dive.

 

I'll be honest: I hated it because I thought he was rejecting me completely, even though he actually wasn't. It might be because I was at one end of the "journey" while he was at the opposite end that I felt this way, and I took it very, very personally. To the point where I blamed the both of us: Me for being overweight and not attractive, him for wanting someone I wasn't (pure speculation in my head, even though that wasn't even the case. His dick was dead, all by itself, thanks to health and aging!)

 

at some point, though, I stopped being so angry about being rejected and began realizing that even though he refused to put out or even do "sexy stuff" with me, he was still very affectionate and loving. And that had a HUGE impact on the way I feel now.

 

again, i won't lie by saying I don't miss having sex, although I'm thinking about 10 percent of the time it's pure hormones, and the rest of the time, it's wanting that added level of intimacy that comes from being with someone who pleases you emotionally, physically and mentally ...

 

does it get easier? Yes and no. It's never going to be 100 percent okay being sexless when I'm in my prime and theoretically should be boinking my brains out with him whenever I want, but then again, your perspective changes as you get older and your relationship goes through patches that test you both: Health problems, raising kids, stress over finances/family ... You figure out what's important and throw out the mind-junk that makes you miserable and you go from there. There's no one real answer, but there *is* an answer that works for your particular situation.

Edited February 20, 2014 by quankanne

[Hattie]

Quankanne--(forgot to quote your message in my post).Thanks for the candid honesty! I think your post is very helpful. My situation is different. I have been with my husband since he was 23......we have been together 23 years! So we have gone through a lot of evolving. He also has had a very high sex drive. Which after so long, one becomes accustom to that! Now he is mid 40's. We both are not in the best shape....not terrible, but both could use some tweaking. He has a bit of high blood pressure, and is medicated. With the age and the little extra weight....things have slowed down. Combine the natural slowing down, decreased testosterone production with frequent porn use and it spells disaster for my sex life.

I like how you mention "mind junk". My brain is full of that! I struggle a lot trying to keep it from ruling my life!

I miss sex just for sex, but I mostly feel needy for the extreme intimacy that lovemaking brings.

My husband is kind, affectionate and loving. Hes not good at Valentines Day or romance. I am not big on sharing my intimacies with others. I am good at being monogamous. I said 'I do' for the long haul, so I am just trying to be ok with letting go of sex.

 

So I will stay in this marriage and not have sex. I am trying to figure out how to let that happen without ruining my life/marriage/partnership.

Edited February 20, 2014 by Hattie
Forgot to post quote to my thread

[janedoe67]

It would be interesting to ask this from a different perspective...

 

Could you stay in a marriage without talking?

 

Could you stay in a marriage where he/she would never get a job/clean the house/spend quality time with you/be committed to family....

 

I would be willing to bet a lot of people would be up in arms about having to live in their marriage without some of all of those things. Yet we think of sex as some kind of optional add-on that only a shallow person couldn't do without.

 

It's not an add-on. It is one-flesh intimacy.

[rumbleseat]

It would be interesting to ask this from a different perspective...

 

Could you stay in a marriage without talking?

 

Could you stay in a marriage where he/she would never get a job/clean the house/spend quality time with you/be committed to family....

 

I would be willing to bet a lot of people would be up in arms about having to live in their marriage without some of all of those things. Yet we think of sex as some kind of optional add-on that only a shallow person couldn't do without.

 

It's not an add-on. It is one-flesh intimacy.

 

It all depends on the people involved. For some, sex is vital, for others, not so much.

The key sees to be figuring out the importance it plays in one's life and marriage. It's likely hard to admit to one's self that it is either less or more important than they think it should be..

Once one figures out that piece, then then need to face whether or not it is in balance with what their spouse wants. If it's not, then how can this be rectified? Maybe it can't, and if not, then hard as it may be, the person in that situation needs to figure out if they can live their married life like that, and if not, what do they do about it?

 

Not an easy place to be, but if one is to have a happy life, they need to figure it out. Some can adapt, some can't. Everyone is different.

 

If balance can't be found, then what's the solution? Walk away from a marriage that is good in every other way besides sex? Probably not an easy thing to do, but what's the alternative? Cheat, and in effect punish your spouse and hurt them for something that really isn't their "fault" or expect your spouse to go without sex, knowing it cuts them like a knife because your libido isn't so much lower?

 

Some find an open marriage works, some are okay with their needs openly being met elsewhere ( I know this may sound crazy, but in that situation, using the services of a sex trade worker may be the solution...so long as the spouse using one is honest about it. They get their needs met with no emotional attachment).

 

If it's not just a lack of sex but a lack of physical/ emotional intimacy in general, I don't know how one can fix that. Has anyone tried and been successful?