Opinions Please!!!

[lilmoma1973]

hey all i have a question about an incident that happen yesterday.... my h came in and i told h what had happened that morning with an incident with ss and he acted like he was mad!! i had told him that i asked ss why he wasn't wearing a coat that it was 14 degrees outside and all he had on was a pull over sweatshirt with a short sleeve shirt underneath.. ss said" if i get sick then it will be my fault!!" ss is already sick and am was concerned and i said ok!! i explained to my h what happened he acted pissed!! anytime i say anything about ss he gets pissed no matter what.. he says im always negative when it comes to ss and i might as well fess up cause he knows i don't like him!! i was generally concerned for his health not trying to get him in trouble.. then he said he was wrestling and needed to be said he had to go get him.. the coach wanted him to rest said he needed it.. i asked if he was sick why was he practicing.. my ss has been not eating hardly at all and is losing weight and i am very concerned about his health and i think wrestling is too demanding and he needs to quit .. biomom agrees with me also .. she notices things also.. i told him excuse me for being concerned for him .. and i thought thats what parents do!! when i told him i was just telling him what was going on out of concern for ss but i wouldn't be concerned anymore !! im through!! i then say when i tell you when daughter has done something does that mean i hate her too? he said yes!! he is so full of it.. he thinks that when he comes in from work he has to do nothing else but get on the computer and buy stuff from ebay .. or go to his skateboard sites .. he told me i needed to grow up !! yes we are in counsling we haven't been lately but im so sick of this whole situation and i shouldn't have to live this way so i need to make some kind of decision.. sorry so long !!

[lostgirl26]

Ok now I don't have any children but I am a step child and have had years and years of therapy so take what I say with a grain of salt. First of all you and your husband are the parents, you have control. Handling a 14yr old is not easy and will not get easier. You and your husband need to sit down with each other and come up with a plan to talk to your ss together, so that you are both on the same page. Do not attack him it will only make him more defensive. I would cut down on the computer time or only to homework for a while till you get this somewhat straightened out. Sit down and talk to him as an adult on his level about his behavior and that in order to have certain priviledges ie; wrestling, computer, etc... that he will have to change some of his habits and they way he behaves to you. Do not allow your husband to run you over about this issue, you are married and have every right to have certain expectations of your children, step children or not. Do not say you do not like the ss, I likely think you do not like his actions and behavior and when you think like this, it likely shows in your face and body language making your ss and husband react to this attitude.

 

You also do not have to justify your concerns to him, but allow him to understand why you are concerned. Again your are the adult, and it sounds to me like you allow him and your husband to dictate how things go with him. One red flag I am seeing also in the sport of wrestling because there are so many weight classes, one main condition that boys and teenagers develop as wrestlers is anorexia(starving ones self) and or bulimia(binging/purging food). The lower the weight class the more attention they gain as being better wrestlers. The statistics are extremely high about this, I would really pay attention closely to his habits. He will fight you every step of the way, but you need to stand firm and be there to support him. I would also suggest a counselor for his main issues and also the possiblity of an eating disorder.

 

Lastly if all else fails and your husband and yourself cannot come to an agreement on how to raise ss, then I would suggest to husband(if it is that bad) that maybe he live with biomom until he can live under your terms and that husband is more than happy to visit him there. This would be an absolute last resort. It sounds like this behavior from both have been going on a while so do not expect it all to improve right away, these things take time and constant consistency and like I said probably both will fight you along the way. I would also suggest couseling for the two of you(husband and yourself) if not for the family. I wish you luck, it will be a long bumpy road, but nip it now while he is still young and the better off all of you will be. Keep us posted.

 

Lostgirl

[lilmoma1973]

hey lostgirl,

no i do not hate him at all .. i have raised him since he was 2 .. as for him living with his biomom that would be a bad decision .. she is hardly some one to make him mind.. she can't even get her life together.. she is a drunk and a druggy .. she can't keep a job long enough either.. she tries for a little bit then she falls back down this has been going on since he was little.. she has another child by a one night stand and doesn't even have it .. the father got custody .. thanks for the input and you being in a situation just like this.. i hate when step parents are looked as being wicked in anything they do.. i don't hate ss ate all i want him to be all he can be.. he has so much talent and i hate to see him lose what he has.. as for his wrestling i don't think it is healthy what he is doing.. he is dieting and i say things to him and he gets mad.. i think ss is jealous of mine and h daughter but he gets more attention than she does with sports and all..

[lostgirl26]

Hi lilmoma,

 

I didn't mean to imply that you hated him, like I said I doubt that you hate him, thats pretty clear or you wouldn't be trying to help him. I didn't and don't hate my step-father either(been in my life also since I was 2), we were just raised from two very different families. Our ways of dealing with family issues, my issues clashed because he did not know how to properly handle things and neither did I. We have spent manyyears in counseling and it has done a lot of good. We are pretty close now, or at least as close as I am comfortable with and I think thats good enough for both of us.

 

Like I also said sending him to the biomom would be a last last resort, and it looks like it is not a good idea at all. Even more reason to start helping one another. You need to grab the horse by the reins and go with it. The sooner you do this the better things will be in the end. You need to take control though, thats the main thing. He has every right to be mad and have feelings, BUT he has no right to really treat you disrespectfully. By the sounds of it, biomom probably has not helped much and has even help inflict some of the things he is feeling. Jealousy or not of the other siblings is not an excuse for his behavior, talking is by far the best way to resolve this. I'll look back there was a thread yesterday that someone had a really good way to take time out and discuss issues. When I find it I will paste it here.

 

I am sure what you are going through is really rough and I don't want to you to take what I may say next as rude or unthoughtful, but right now you have made excuses, all of you have made excuses and danced around the issues that are truely causing all this. You can dance until you are out of breath, but the main ingredient in being a family is that you all take part and understand each other, because in a way you are all partners to one another, not just you and your husband. It is all of you, you must all be involved to make the family work.

[lilmoma1973]

hey lostgirl,

thanks for the reply .. i understand that we all need to work together as a family.. but what if im the only one that is doing the trying!! this has been going on for 7 yrs .. we are in counseling but we haven't been lately.. h been working on sat and sun.. thats the only time we are able to go.. thanks again

[lostgirl26]

Well I am not sure what to say at this point. Its kind of like when you decide you want to lose weight. Its going to take time, so you need to set up a short term goal. You need to make time for it, to prepare the food right, or go to the gym, to do the shopping. It might not be a very good example but its close. I understand not be able to go to counseling except the weekends, but your husband will need to make some exceptions. In counseling, if you choose to go back, I would go with just your husband and specifically ask him why he feels he does not have to address these issues. Also then make it clear that the problem needs to be taken care of either with two of you coming to an agreement or I guess you will have to make the choice whether you want to live another 7yrs like this. Unfortunetly I cannot make up your mind for you, I can only give you some advice on what I would do.

[lilmoma1973]

hey lostgirl,

thanks for the advice one thing for sure i will teach my daughter to never get involved with someone that has a child and explain why.. my sister is getting mixed up with a guy that has a 8 yr old and is already having problems .. you know what my advice was to get out.. i told her you have a long road ahead of you and it only gets worst!!

[The_Analyzer]

You stated that this has been going on for 7 years. Sounds like one or more parties doesn't want to change. I'm a firm believer in people changing but they have to want too. It all comes down to what people really want out of a relationship. Theres also 2 sides to a story. We are getting yours. Not that what you're saying isn't true, but no one knows his side or how he truly feels. I guess if you're tired of the situation and feel that your H is not going to change, you need to weigh your opitions. I think if you have tried all you can do and he isn't willing to come to a compromise then you need to either accept it for what it is, or move on. Thats great you all are in counseling, however counseling only works if both people are listening and doing what the counselor suggests. If no one is willing to do that, then not only can it be a waste of your time but the counselors as well. If you feel you're spinning your wheels, then move on. Good luck.

[lostgirl26]

If thats how you want to advise her then I guess thats you. I am not sure that I would take that route myself. Everyone is different, every situation is different. Children are automatically on guard when parents split up or get divorced and then someone new enters their life. They think why would I let this person into my heart, they think they only have room for mom or dad. They are scared of being hurt just like you and I. But they are resilient creatures and have the utmost compassion and genrosity without even realizing it. Everything in life takes work, nothing is free and easy. If it were, think of how the world would be to me, pretty boring. They say "What does not kill you makes you stronger" I truly agree with it. I have a very open heart and mind, it can really get me hurt sometimes, but you have to take the bad with the good