What have I done?

[aurora19]

Ok, so let's get one thing straight before I start, I love my man with all of my heart! I intend to be with him forever, but last night, gosh, I slept with someone else. We're engaged, I know I am such a bitch! Damn, this sounds so much worse now that I am writing this. Last night was my b-day, instead of my fiancee planning something, he told me to go out and have fun with my co-workers and friends b/c they asked me out saying " come get a drink if your man doesn't have plans for you". I thought of course he does, but he said no he didn't so why don't I go out and have fun b/c he could save money that way (didn't feel like he had to take me to dinner that way and "waste" his money). I was a little pissed, but at the same time sort of relieved b/c an old flame was back in town for a night and was going to be there. I knew it would make my fiancee uncomfortable and the old flame b/c they never liked each other and well I was curious to see if there was anything still there.

So I went out and had way too many drinks, the fiancee decided at the last minute to go out with a friend of his whose grandfather just died. I was a little perturbed that that was more important than my b-day, but I understood he was being a good friend and by now I was drunk and starving for attention. For the most part the old flame ignored me (he wasn't too happy about the engagement), so as I became a little too drunk I figured better just leave at that point. I went to say good-bye and he asked me to take a walk with him first. Well we ended up at his hotel across the way (which I can not lie and say I did not think about it or joke around about it with him). In a matter of minutes we were having full out passionate sex, the best I have had since damn I can't remember and it felt amazing! I begged him not to say a word and he promised b/c he has a girlfriend and he knew people would blame him if my engagement ended. So I have not told a soul, I usually tell my fiancee and best friends everything, but this I intend to take to the grave, it was a big mistake! Well that's the thing I am not sure if it was a mistake, I mean I know it would kill my fiancee and me if he ever found out and I would never, ever want to hurt him, but well I needed it. My fiancee has issues with sex and although it has gotten better, it never really satisfies me, I'm talking absolutely no orgasms, it doesn't even feel that great! i feel so sexually deprived and yet I love him so much!!!! I want to look past it and hope that it could be something we can work on! I am hoping this never, ever happens again even though, damn it was amazing, I can't get it out of my head! But oh the guilt, I fell so cold, when he is near I feel sick to my stomach.

Should I tell him or can I just leave this behind me and move on, is that possible without the guilt killing me?

[Merin]

 

Yeah you're right.. it does SOUND bad, because it IS bad.

 

IMO it is completely unfair for you to keep this 411 from your Fiancee.. that gives him zero choice in deciding whats okay for him..

 

It also doesn't sound like your very certain this won't happen again..

 

Put yourself in his shoes for a moment.. IF he cheated on you, and he felt that you weren't all he wanted you to be sexually.. BUT he NEVER told you about either issue how would you feel?

 

IMO.. this is just sh*tty.

[morrigan]

You can tell your boyfriend, and accept whatever happens, including the end of your relationship. If he had a one night stand with someone before your marriage, would you want to know? Or you can keep quiet, and pray that no one finds out. It wouldn't be a bad idea to get a STD test at your local health dept., even if he did use a condom.

 

What's going on with your boyfriend--your feelings that he had bigger concerns than your birthday, the problems between you sexually--aren't going to be resolved. You need to be honest with your boyfriend about your feelings now, before you get married. It's better to get things out in the air now, then when you are married and regret the decisions you have made.

[tanbark813]

I think this is a fake post.

[tattoomytoe]

i dunno, it sounds like you are in love with thinking you are in love with your bf.

 

lose the boy! tell him what happened and why.

 

go from there.

[reservoirdog1]

There were problems in your relationship with your fiancee before you had your little fling. You already knew that. Your fiancee is 50% responsible for creating the environment that led you to do what you did. But, you are 100% responsible for the choice you made and how you chose to deal with your doubts.

 

So, what to do now? Come clean. Now. Why, you may ask?

 

Firstly, you owe him complete honesty. If you have any respect for him, you will let him exercise his right to make decisions about his future armed with all the information. That information, unfortunately, includes the fact that his fiancee is willing to sleep with somebody else if she's not happy with things. But if you proceed to marry him without telling him the truth, you've laid the foundation for a fraudulent marriage based on lies.

 

Secondly, by not coming clean, you're very likely to cheat on him again. After all, you'll say to yourself, you've already done it before, so how worse would it make things? You're either a cheater or you're not. There aren't any degrees to it.

 

Why would you cheat again? Because your fiancee may know that there are some issues in your relationship, but he has no idea how bad those problems are from your POV. You can tell him what you need, but he just won't get it without knowing what your doubts led you to do. The problems probably won't get resolved, you'll stay secretly miserable, and keep cheating on him.

 

Thirdly, if you're being truthful when you say that this has only happened once, you stand the best chance possible in the circumstances of your fiancee eventually being able to file this under the heading of "stupid thoughtless mistakes", and move on (with you, if that's what you want). People aren't defined by their mistakes, but by what they do AFTER making them. You will hurt him a hell of a lot more if you tell him about this five years from now, after you're married with kids. He'll feel like his whole marriage to you has been a lie.

 

Yes, it's possible that he'll end things with you. But that's his choice, and you owe him the opportunity to make that choice. This is his life too.

 

At the very least, don't get married anytime soon. You two have major issues to resolve. It won't be easy, but I wish you the best.

[aurora19]

Ok, whoa! I guess maybe I thought there would be someone out there that would understand where I was coming from.

First off thank you all for your opinions, they made me feel like crap, but that's what I needed to hear.

Secondly, maybe I should explain to you guys a little more about the issues we have with sex. He has a huge guilt factor placed on him by his very religious parents. In the past he has gone from extremes where he refused to even french kiss me and told me that he was offending God by being sexual with me, this even after 4 years together still gets brought up. Then there were moments in our relationship where he was obsessed with sex, porn, calling me a "dirty slut" during sex and then he would make me feel guilty afterwards for being "desirable", so now after all of that on and off ****, for like the last six months it's been barely there sex and a million excuses as to why we are not having it! i suggested maybe getting a dildo and he flipped on that idea, saying he would not have "toys" like that in the house, but it's ok for him to surf the web for porn and oh yuck, talk about feeling undesirable, once when he would refuse to have sex with me for weeks on end, citing he was "just not into it lately", I turned on the TV one day to see low and behold a girl on girl video! I have been so confused by his nature, but I do love him!!! Despite this "problem" and we all have our flaws and problems in our relationships, we are madly in love, we work well with everything else and I do want to spend the rest of my life with him! But, it's hard and confusing not to have a healthy sex life!

You people are so quick to judge and make it so black and white. When you really love someone, you try you hardest to overlook the flaws and work on the problem, I have done so with all my heart for 4 1/2 years now! But, there does come a time where you feel like giving up, where you are just human and you have your urges and under the influence of a lot booze and frustion you can falter and make a mistake!!! Even though it was good sex and a good release, I know it was a mistake and I know I would never do it again! I needed to know, if it really mattered that much to me!! Before I walked down the aisle, I needed to know for certain if I was even capable anymore of being sexual! believe it or not I feel as if it prompted me to work harder at our problem. He has been a little more open since the engagement b/c he says he feel more comfortable knowing I am going to be his wife, so I feel that maybe I can just find other ways to ease him into a "normal" sex life! Yes, I have questions and doubts, but that is normal, for the most part i know he is the man for me!

So no I do not feel like I should tell him this, when #1 it would break his heart and mine and why, it did not mean anything to me! I would not want him to tell me if he slept with another girl, if he was safe and it made him realize he is even more in love with me than before that I do not want to know! That would hang over are heads forever, it would harm our hearts, trust and growth, all b/c of a one night stand! Now if he fell in love with some girl or it happened more than once, that's a different story, but I understand the problem! #2 If I am truthful and he can't forgive me, we could be letting go of the love of our lives b/c of a mistake, I would be more miserable then, as would he, then if I just moved on and choose not to tell him. I can forgive myself and forget, move on. Right now it's really hard to look at him and be the same, but I know that will change. #3 We are taking our time with the engagement, we realize we have differences to work out before we make the final step, so I am going to take the time to really think about this. If things get worse, if I feel tempted again then we have to talk. Right now though I am certain I was just frustrated and drunk and made a mistake!

Ok, so no I am not ready to let go of this man and ruin everything we built b/c I was a weak, drunk whore! I really feel this was just a big ass mistake and I love him even more than before! There are problems yes, but I want to work on them and be hopeful! Yes the sex issue is a big deal, but I think we are coming along slowly, but surely. Yes, sleeping with my ex is not the answer, but it certainly cleared a lot up for me, is making me think and I am revauleating a lot of things! I can't guarantee at this point that we will take the final step in marriage, but I'd like to try really hard to work through what's holding us back!

That's what real love is about! It's not about ****ing roses and hearts, it's about finding someone that you not only love, but loves you back, it's about looking past each others flaws, about forgiveness, about hardships, about the "problems" and working through them. Real love is not perfect, it's about mistakes! I am not going to throw away everything we have b/c I got drunk and horney!! I am so sorry for that and this feeling is punishment enough, but I have learned my lesson and I promise to be a better women for him!!! Should people not be able to have a second chance and if a secret could hurt less than the truth, than why couldn't you keep it to yourself?

[Merin]

Quick to judge..

 

YOU know what you did was WRONG.

So what were you looking for here? Someone to tell you that it's all okay that you cheated on your Fiancee because after all he didn't do exactly what you wanted and he didn't behave in the way you thought he should?

 

YOU also said that in some ways you were happy your Fiancee wasn't coming because your EX flame was going to be there.. so yeah the alcohol may have influenced your final decison.. but you obviously were wondering about it before you got there.

 

Why should you tell your Fiancee about it, because just as love is about forgiveness it's also about HONESTY. You say you wouldn't want to know IF he cheated on you.. and thats YOUR choice.. but why do you think it's okay for you to take away HIS choice?

 

Last thing.. you said when you really love someone you try hard to overlook thier "flaws" and work on the problem.. so why are you so afraid to tell him YOU are also flawed and see if the problem can be worked on.

[tanbark813]

I hope to God this is a fake post. Otherwise, I'd lose even more faith in humanity to realize there are people out there who actually think like this.

[hugznkisses21]

tanbark why is every post to u fake.....

 

no one said your post about your gf was fake... just curious....

 

U should trust a little more

[tanbark813]

Not every one is. I've only replied to two posts that way. The first one I was right about as the initial poster admitted to posting from a different person's perspective.

 

The emotion behind this one just doesn't fit the writing. It doesn't seem genuine.

Besides, my gut instinct has a 100% success rate so far.

 

Date the girls I have and you'd be less trusting too.

[reservoirdog1]

Should people not be able to have a second chance and if a secret could hurt less than the truth, than why couldn't you keep it to yourself?

 

Sounds good in theory, aurora.

 

The first problem, however, is that you're TAKING your second chance, rather than asking him to GIVE you one.

 

Second, you're deluding yourself. You've already hurt him and damaged your relationship with him. He just doesn't know it yet.

 

it's about finding someone that you not only love, but loves you back, it's about looking past each others flaws, about forgiveness, about hardships, about the "problems" and working through them. Real love is not perfect, it's about mistakes!

 

Yes, it's about all of those things. But you have just demonstrated a massive flaw that he's ignorant about. How is he "looking past" that flaw if he doesn't even know about it? His problem is that he's got some issues about sex. Your problem is that you've demonstrated a willingness to f*ck somebody else because of those issues. In the absence of you being honest with him, I personally wouldn't have a lot of faith that you won't do it again in the future.

 

You people are so quick to judge and make it so black and white.

 

I didn't judge. You came here asking whether you should tell him or not. I told you exactly what I think you should do, pretty non-judgmentally I thought. The same goes for the others. The problem is that, based on your second post, you came here having already decided what you were going to do, and felt like you were being "attacked" just because you didn't get the responses you were hoping for.

 

Please grow up, BEFORE you get married. I guarantee you, if you have a conscience (and I believe you do), this will bother you forever if you don't come clean now.

[aurora19]

Well, yeah your right I was thinking about it before I got drunk, I mean you know seeing if there was anything still there. I did not want to **** him in my sober mind, but maybe I was throwing the sense to the wind on purpose b/c I unconsiuosly wanted it, could be.

Marriage is huge and I do not know if you have ever been engaged, but while it's really exciting, it's scary for anyone! It's the rest of our lives and he being the product of a divorced family (both parents married three times) and my upbringing that taught me marriage is crap, I just want to test all waters I guess, make sure it's for sure! I do not want divorce to ever been an option with us. I guess I want to put all those questions and doubts to rest! I do not want to get all hyped up on the ring and the dress and not really think about what this means. One big question for me was "if the sex life does not get any better, can I deal with it and not be tempted to cheat?", I realized there will always be temptation, but in the end even the best sex in the world isn't worth it, can not compare to my love, to this man! I do not think I would have known that without a one night stand and thank god I found out now before we are married!

Yes I know it is wrong and no I wasn't looking for people to tell me it's ok, guess I was just looking for anything at this point b/c the guilt wasn't enough! I needed to hear this all and I was just defending my actions. Mission accomplished, I feel devasted!

You are right relationships are about honesty, but I just know it would ruin all that I have and I can not let that happen for something so stupid. He is way sensitive, I can not put him through that! I almost believe he would rather I keep it to myself. I think he senses it, but really does not want to hear it.

I am afraid to show him my flaw and problem b/c I do not think he would tolerate it, as much as I tolerate his problem, I think it would make things worse b/c he would never let it go, he would probably forgive me, but never let me forget it. It would eventually ruin the relationship, not b/c he didn't love me, but b/c his ego and trust would never get over it. Everything else in our relationship that has flaws can be worked on, the sex issue with him, no way, he is already messed up enough about sex, why should I make it worse!

[hugznkisses21]

tanbark....

 

date the men i have and u would be un trusting too.....

 

so i hear ya man!

[tanbark813]

Originally posted by hugznkisses21

tanbark....

 

date the men i have and u would be un trusting too.....

 

so i hear ya man!

 

Then why you gotsta be hatin'?

[hugznkisses21]

im not hating.....just thought maybe u are being a bit eager to decide its fake!! thats all!!

[morrigan]

Aurora19, you posted on an open forum, asking for advice. Several posters provided you with that. You don't have to listen to anyone's advice, but you shouldn't expect people to post exactly what you want to hear either.

 

Like I said before, there are problems in your current relationship. Do you think getting married is going to be the magic wand that waves all your current relationship issues (sex, derogatory names, alcohol, cheating) away? Be realistic--love doesn't conquer all. Booze isn't the big factor in why you had sex with this other guy.

 

Whether you get the guts to be honest with your bf about what went on, or you lock the incident in a closet, the problem is still there. At least be honest about the problems in your relationship, or you won't be happily married.

[Debo]

Oh, go ahead and not tell him. Get married and then in about six months, when you "old Flame" gets good and drunk one night, he will come over or phone your house and tell your new husband all about it. After the two get into a fight and one goes to the hospital and one goes to jail.Then you can just causually explain that you have some problems with your husband and you need to work through them. That should work.

 

Who knows, maybe you'll get a spot on Springer.

 

BTW, I think I agree with tanbark about this post.

[aurora19]

tanbark813 yes people really do think like this and it ****ing happens all the time! it's hard to trust and i have been on the other end and i know it sucks, doesn't mean you don't love the person, we are just human beings, far from perfect, we **** up for the most retarded reasons! i slipped, oops first ****ing time in a long time! i am sorry for it, but i do not want to jeopardize the best thing that has ever happened to me b/c of weakness! believe me telling him would be far worse than keeping it from him!! Don't tell me that the emotion doesn't match the writing, that I am not genuine!! It's a ****ing web site, I am summing up four and a half years of a relationship and trying to convey why I did this and why it's a mistake. Sorry I am not streaming tears all over the keyboard, I am being realistic! Yes, it's a ****ing ****ty thing that I did, but if I let myself get too into it I'll break!! I'm sorry so many girls hurt you in the past and you are so bitter. let it go, your not giving me any advice, your just making cocky clamor.

 

reservoir dog, you have valid points. regardless if it's true, i am going to feel attacked and become defensive. yeah i have to grow up a bit, who doesn't. yes, i have a conscience, but no i think i can move on, i have seen it first hand with many others. you guys must have your head in the sand, do you know how many people about to get married slip up, worse than i and they never even think about it. and I WILL NEVER DO IT AGAIN! that is the truth.

[katie79]

...the lack of attention you fiance gave you.

It sounds like perhaps his lack of attention, or being there had gotten to you so bad, somewhere deep down, you wanted revenge. You also wanted to feel "wanted" which you haven't felt in a while, and sex isn't so good either.

HOwever, there is a difference between flirting/fantacizing and actually acting out your attraction to someone. A big difference. I am engaged, and I have a similar problem (don't see the fiance often), I have had other men ask me out and hit on me a lot, but I would never cheat on my fiance (and yes, kissing, and sexual "touching/fondling count). I never intend for that to happen either, and if I did, I would end my relationship before entering a new one. That isn't right. I wouldn't be able to face myself in the mirror the next morning.

Don't "take this one to the grave". The guilt will eat away at you. It's not at all fair to your fiance. You must tell him and accept his reaction (as someone here already said). Did you at least use protection? Did you also take bc? What if you got pregnant from the "other man" or got an "STD"? Would you like to bring that to you new hsuband? That's selfish. Also, realize once cheating happens, the relationship is over, because whether he stays or bails, it will never be the same.

[aurora19]

Debo, rather over dramatic aren't we?

the ex lives clear across the country, he is in a serious relationship that he does not want to jepordize. he has lost contact with most of us here, his coming back into town was work related, that happens once in a blue moon. although my ex and my fiancee know each other, they do not know each other well enough that one would go over to the others house or phone the other person, he knows better than to phone me on my cell, he would call my work. we rarely keep in contact ourselves. we both realized it was a mistake and we both have chosen to move on and forget about it.

and why the hell would i waste my time putting up a fake post, i have a real problem that i was looking for some insight on. i mean how much of a loser do you have to be to sit and put up fake posts, what the hell's the point of that.

morrigan, yeah i realize i need to listen and not be so defensive, but it sucks to read such negative responses even if i deserve them. we are very open about the problems in our relationship, we have been over the sex thing over and over again. it comes up almost everyday, this is the first time i have ever kept something from him and it kills me, but i just can not tell him.

[Merin]

Uh..

 

You know it seems you're more pissed and upset about the responses you got regarding this "Issue" than you actually are about the issue itself.. and yeah.. thats MY OPINION.

 

Don't be so quick to judge, YOU said.. so whats up with telling TANBARK he's bitter and needs to let go of it? What do you know about him, his situation or how he is feeling about now? He's entitled to feel how he wants to and make choices and decisions based on what he knows and feels.. kind of like YOU are entitled.. kind of like YOUR Fiancee SHOULD be entitled.

 

Do I think what you did sucks.. yeah I do. Thats MY OPINION.. doesn't make it fact.

Do I think your Fiancee deserves to know the truth and make up his OWN mind about whats okay for him.. yeah I do.. again MY OPINION.

 

Trust is HARD TO COME BY.. and you know it's things exactly like this that inspire suspicion and unrest...

[aurora19]

katie79, you are probably right! that kind of stuff kills a girls self-esteem! it got to be too much after 4 1/2 years, but i regret it and it was hard for me to look myself in the mirror and my stomach churns at the thought of it and my heart hurts! i hate that i ever did this to him and your right the relationship will never be the same, but i would like to try b/f i say anything. if i can't move on, if it causes a wedge between us in my mind, then of course i have to fess up b/f we are married. guess i just have wishful thinking, i just wish it never happened.

of course i had protection and of course i am on bc. i also get tested yearly with my paps just well b/c you never know.

i give up, i will lose him if i tell him, but i guess it's the right thing to do. i just can't get over the fact that i could lose my whole life b/c of a one night stand! i love him so much it hurts and i know it's my fault and i probably willed myself to do this in a way, but god starting over is so scary and i will never find another like him.

he does deserve better than me, i always knew that, i just thought i could become better for him! boy was i wrong, he should just move on and find someone better

[Hund1976]

Maybe you would both be happier with people you're more compatible with. Sex is a very important part of a marraige. Its not the end all end all but if two people have drastically different views and needs then there are always going to be major problems. A lot of times its easier to stay with someone and try to look past the differences you have because its really scary to move on and start over again.

[aurora19]

merin - yes it is your OPINION and you are entitled to it and that was what I was looking for. I'm still going to defend myself though and no I am not more pissed at the posts than the situation, I am just getting more and more overwhelmed with what I have done, i am crumbling.

Regarding Tanbark, all he was doing was chiming it that this was fake, i did not see why he was even responding. just seemed like he was bored.

when it comes down to it, i am grateful for your OPINIONS, but i have to realize also until you walk in someone's shoes, you never really now. it's easy to say "i would never" or "it's so wrong", but until you are really in that situation you never know. i have to remember that, i have to take that into greater consideration.

these web sites can be helpful, but what it really comes down to, is i am wasting my time. i should be "doing" something about it right now, instead of trying to explain myself and take advice from strangers.

this is between me and my heart, me and my mind, me and my love. that's that.

b/c i choose to keep this from the people in my life, i came here for advice. but, in the process i lost sight of what was really going on and none of you will ever really know that.

thanks

i am going to go home to my man and love him and try to forgive myself and hope that god forgives me as well.

fate has it's reasons and eventually this will sort itself out the way it was intended. good ending or bad.