What have I done?

[Merin]

Originally posted by aurora19

merin - yes it is your OPINION and you are entitled to it and that was what I was looking for. I'm still going to defend myself though and no I am not more pissed at the posts than the situation, I am just getting more and more overwhelmed with what I have done, i am crumbling.

Regarding Tanbark, all he was doing was chiming it that this was fake, i did not see why he was even responding. just seemed like he was bored.

when it comes down to it, i am grateful for your OPINIONS, but i have to realize also until you walk in someone's shoes, you never really now. it's easy to say "i would never" or "it's so wrong", but until you are really in that situation you never know. i have to remember that, i have to take that into greater consideration.

these web sites can be helpful, but what it really comes down to, is i am wasting my time. i should be "doing" something about it right now, instead of trying to explain myself and take advice from strangers.

this is between me and my heart, me and my mind, me and my love. that's that.

b/c i choose to keep this from the people in my life, i came here for advice. but, in the process i lost sight of what was really going on and none of you will ever really know that.

thanks

i am going to go home to my man and love him and try to forgive myself and hope that god forgives me as well.

fate has it's reasons and eventually this will sort itself out the way it was intended. good ending or bad.

 

Again here.. YOU don't know who's been in this situation.

 

I didn't ask you to explain yourself.

 

It is easy for me to say what you did was wrong, because that is what I BELIEVE.

It's also easy for me to say that not telling your Fiancee' about what you did is wrong, because it's what I BELIEVE.

I have been in places before (and I'm sure so has everyone else that replied) that I did things that weren't "right" and I knew they weren't right.. and I also knew the only way for ME to live with it, was to be honest and suck it up regardless of the outcome.

 

You're also right that no one really knows whats going on between you and your Finacee' except you.. all we had to go on was what you said.. and the belief system we each as individuals have.

 

Just for the record.. Fate has nothing to do with making a decision to cheat, or lie..

 

Regardless.. wish you the best of it.

[katie79]

this is not an easy situation altogether.

It's one of those things in life where you will have to make your own decision and hope it's the best.

And yes, although personally, I would never ever cheat, I have been somewhat tempted. I have had guys pay more attention to me than my own fiance. But sometimes my fiance will suprise me and show me he really does care. Lack of attention does aid in killing a woman's self-esteem. It does make you want to look elsewhere when someone who loves you would rather go out and do something else instead of being with you, which may not even be that often.

 

Glad you took precautions with sex though. How do you think your fiance would react to this. I mean, he wont be happy obviously, but how would he react to the ex who you cheated with? I mean...I'm sure he wouldn't buy him an ice cream, but would he confront him?

 

What if you tell the fiance, he goes nuts, confronts the other guy, and tells his significant other? That could be a very bad situation too.

 

This is not an easy decision no matter what you decide on, but do what you can live with. After all, you are spending the rest of your life with him. Did your fiance ever cheat on you or did you ever suspect it?

[aurora19]

katie79 thanks for being so understanding! yeah, i said many times i would never, ever cheat! it made me sick to my stomach thinking about it, but sometimes things happen so fast and knock you over the side of your head and your left wondering "what the hell, why, how?!!". I never intended to cheat, toyed with the idea, but I never thought it was possible.

how would he react to the ex? well he thinks he is a manipulative a**h*** in the first place, he tried to take me away from my fiancee once before when we were not engaged. and well the ex thinks my fiancee is jerk and not right for me. so i am sure that my fiancee would hate to hear i was with him. on the other hand my fiancee is not much of a confrontational person. he is the nice guy who tries to make everyone happy and solve the problem calmly. i have maybe seen my fiancee angry three or four times in my life, he is rather peaceful. the ex would probably laugh at my fiancee and try to start a fight to no success. but, like i said we live clear across the country from each other, he is like NEVER here (the ex) and i doubt that either one would ever confront the other even if i do tell my fiancee. the person i did it with will not really matter, only the fact that i did it.

in answer to your question has he ever cheated on me and do i suspect him ever. funny thing is i blocked that out until you brought it up! yes, yes, yes!!! on our 2nd year together when i was on vacation, he slept with some girl at a party, he didn't even remember her name, he said he did it b/c he thought i was cheating (i was not, i was very faithful at that point). and, geez, i can't believe i didn't even think about this till now! about a year ago, he up and left me when we were having problems for another girl. literally he just said "this is over" and stopped calling, i found out he left me for another girl he barely knew, within one week of meeting her he said he loved her and they got into a relationship!! i was beyond heart broken, he refused to talk to me and continued on with this girl for four more months b/f he showed up on my doorstep and said that he could not get over me and dumped the other girl!!! I took him back!!!!! I forgave him!!!! i was so swamped under all my guilt from sleeping with someone else, that i didn't even put that into consideration, what the hell!!! do you think i was unconsciously looking for revenge??? geez here i am giving myself such a hard time and i didn't even factor in those issues, it was such a painful experience for me i think i just blocked it out!! doesn't mean what i did was right, but i can see why i sort of willed myself to **** up!

[reservoirdog1]

All of which even more strongly suugests that you should come clean about everything, so that you can start from zero with nothing hidden.

 

That is, assuming you actually want to have a future together. What a bloody mess.

[Anais]

Originally posted by aurora19

Should I tell him or can I just leave this behind me and move on,

 

Yes you should tell him.

 

is that possible without the guilt killing me?

 

No, it is not possible.

 

He doesn't care about your birthday, sex is not great, you are not married yet, YOU CHEATED(no excuse!).

 

What do you think? Is this a relationship you want to be in?

[Grinning Maniac]

What a stupid thread...Tanbark, I was hoping that it was fake too. It's amazing how people can self-delude themselves so terribly. This thread is a joke. I've never seen someone so pissed off for people giving them advice that THEY ASKED FOR. You've got to be f*cking kidding.

 

First, a quick aside to the rest of LS: See? What have I told you guys before? People don't want advice. They want to be coddled and stroked and told that everything will be alright even though they are making a stupid choice. You spend your time trying to help people and then they do they exact opposite of what everyone advises. It's unbelievable.

 

Now, Aurora, this is for you... Stop being such a brat. These people spent a page and a half trying to help you out and all you do is rant and rave trying to convince US that you shouldn't tell him. That is so stupid. Why in the hell are you trying to convince us of anything? You asked us what you should do. That means that your job in this isn't to convince us why you're right. Did that slip your mind? By the way, here's my input. The OBVIOUS answer to your problem is "grow a spine and tell your damned fiancee" but you're yelling at the top of your lungs:

 

"NOOOONNOOO IT WILL HURT US NO NO BAD I MADE A MISTAKE NEVER I'll CHEAT AGAIN I PROMISE I PROMISE PLEASE BELIEVE ME LOVESHACK GODS I PROMISE PLEASE MAKE IT ALL BETTER WAAAAAAAA JESUS AND FATE LOVE ME AND THEY SAY LYING IS OKKKKKK!!!"

 

What the hell is your problem? How about you stop freaking out and explain all of the stuff you just said... to your boyfriend! In keeping with tradition, I'm putting down actual bets that your relationship goes down the ****ter once you get married, or maybe even before then. Would you like to know WHY? Your relationship is DOA because you're starting out your new life together by lying to the guy and ****ing your ex. Those are just cornerstones of all successful relationships.

 

Now look...I want you to really listen now. Please. I really hate seeing people in b.s. relationships. I'm going to stop the sarcasm and tell you WHY you need to cut the bull**** and just come clean. Some of this has already been brought up by other posters, but screw it, I would have said it anyway and you obviously were trying your hardest not to listen to anyone the first time...

 

 

Reasons Why You're Making A BAD Move:

1) You slept with your ex-bf over a problem(s) that your current boyfriend doesn't know is a problem. His sexual problems stem from religion. That's not just something that will vanish with a wand or a few gentle talks. "GOD" has told him sex is "naughty" and for "sinners"...how in the world do you think you'll be able to compete in his mind with "the will of the Supreme Being" without some serious *effort*? If your boyfriend doesn't know this is a big deal to you, and how it has already effected you and the relationship, then how exactly do you expect him to change anything? Why would he make some drastic change in his life all of a sudden, if he hasn't done so already? The reality is that he won't. You know a particular reason why he *should*, but you'll never tell him. So, guess what?! He'll still be the same guy, with the same flaws, and you'll still be resentful. More than likely you WILL cheat on him again. It may be years from now, but I almost guarentee that it will happen. Don't say that you won't ever do it again either. Don't you dare say it. Just stop before it even comes out of your mouth. It makes no sense and technically, you've ADMITTED that the logic behind it is flawed. Let's take a look down Memory Lane....

 

it's easy to say "i would never" or "it's so wrong", but until you are really in that situation you never know.

 

yeah, i said many times i would never, ever cheat! it made me sick to my stomach thinking about it, but sometimes things happen so fast and knock you over the side of your head and your left wondering

 

So tell me...if we're kidding ourselves to say that we won't ever cheat, aren't you kidding yourself too? There's no missing the contradiction there. Stop lying to yourself. Please. No matter how much you scream and cry, you can't guarentee this will never happen again. You said it would never happen a FIRST time and that the idea of it made you sick....did that stop you? Obviously not from how much you say you enjoyed the sex. *slaps you upside the head* If you actually love this guy, you'll get out of your own head about this. I'm not saying that LS is MENSA or a group of psychics, but when a ton of people give you advice about something, don't you think it's just a little silly to ignore them all completely and yell that you're doing it "Your Way"...even though you made the thread asking what you should do? Aurora...please. come down from Fantasy Land. This plane has lost an engine or two and you're acting like things are hunky-dorey and are convinced that by sticking your fingers in your ears and singing a song, the plane will magicially fix itself. Get a grip.

 

 

2) I want you to respond to this part above all else. It's a point that you cannot Resdog mentioned this already but it's something I tend to say a lot on LS, and I think it deserves repeating: If you decide to keep all this from your boyfriend, you are showing him the biggest disrespect in the world. You are acting like his opinions and decisions in this situation don't matter. Whatever he would decide, it's his right to decide it and if you take that from him you're a sad excuse for a partner or even a friend. Who are you to decide what he should and should not know? You're not his mother. You're his girlfriend, and you've done him wrong. Period. By not telling him what happened, you're roping him into a situation he may not want to be in. What gives you the right to keep him from deciding what to do with his life? You read that right...HIS life. The world does not revolve around you. He has a stake in this as well and you know DAMNED WELL that it is wrong for you to unilaterally decide what is "best" for the both of you. Really...who in the hell do you think you are?

 

You defend it under some bull**** excuse of not wanting to hurt him but come on...the real reason you don't want to say anything is a whole lot less about him, and a whole lot more about you. You're just afraid that he'll dump you. That's all it is. Don't sugar coat it with noble intentions like you're some nun keeping the secrets of the underworld after you played with a Oujia board, cut pentagrams in forehead, and masturbated w/ a crucifix.

 

Telling him the truth would *not* be the thing to damage the relationship....having sex with your "old flame" out of wanting to feel "desired" is what damaged it. Nothing more. Your boyfriend is partly to blame for the situation, but instead of helping to get him past his brainwashing, you got drunk and boned your ex. You broke the cookie jar and you don't want to get whipped. Don't lie to yourself and make like you're "protecting him". Yeah tell me another... You're covering your own ass. You're doing what's best for *you*.

I really hope you change your mind. If you love your boyfriend as much as you claim to, you should know in your heart that he deserves more respect than you've given him so far. That love should also give you the courage to do what's right. So do you really love him?

[reservoirdog1]

What gives you the right to keep him from deciding what to do with his life? You read that right...HIS life. The world does not revolve around you. He has a stake in this as well and you know DAMNED WELL that it is wrong for you to unilaterally decide what is "best" for the both of you. Really...who in the hell do you think you are?

 

GManiac is saying exactly what I said to you, aurora, only more forcefully. And I agree totally with his approach.

 

I've been where your fiancee is, and I didn't find out until over seven years later. And that was after my TBXW had become a serial cheat -- the issues that led her to cheat in the first place never got resolved because I was unaware of them. And, among my many feelings towards my TBXW are that she defrauded me and stole a big chunk of my life from me.

 

If she'd come to me during the engagement and confessed, I would have been devastated, no doubt about it. Would we have broken up? Entirely possible. But if we had, at least I wouldn't have the sometimes overwhelming negative feelings towards her that I have now. I wouldn't feel like my marriage to her was lies, and that she was or is morally malignant in some way. Her behaviour long ago ceased to be capable of being filed under the "stupid thoughtless mistake" category and may never be forgiveable. And, if she'd stopped when it was still a one-time thing, maybe we could have worked things out. But she didn't, and now we'll never know.

 

This is exactly what I foresee happening to you. Come clean now while the damage still has a chance of being contained and minimized. Because, in light of what's happened, this is as good as it's going to get. And it will only get worse from here.

[katie79]

He's not exactly an angel either!

Not that cheating is right, and I am certainly not a fly on the wall when you two are together so the entire situation may be very different from how it appears on LS here, but, from what you tell us, he sounds like he deserved this in some way. Most cheaters are "just like that", it's their "personality", but some cheaters do it for a reason, and they should find out why as well.

For one thing, you know he was with another girl after two years of being together, that alone is reason for you to never see or think about him again. But you stayed, then he hurt you again by leaving you for another girl. Now he doesn't mind leaving you for a night to hang out with his buddies (or how can you be so sure of that if he has cheated and left you already in the past?).

No wonder why you cheated, he has cheated on you, abandoned you, and displays he is not genuine about you. You accepted his behavior, bottling your anger inside (toward him and yourself for staying with him) and went out and cheated. That's the reason for your behavior. My guess, is that if this current relationship ends, you take time to help your self esteem issues, evaluate what you want in a relationship, and find the "right" man, you would never cheat.

Once again, this isn't my decision and I don't know everything since you are annoymous. But, I think you should evaluate your relationship with him now. Don't stay with him because you fear being alone, you think you'll never find anyone else, or your to far with wedding arrangements. All these are not worth you having a miserable life with someone who has shaken your trust so many times and probably will again. And now that we all see the "bigger picture" of his past behavior, it is obvious why you cheated.

I really don't want to disrespect you or your fiance in anyway, but personally, he sounds like a "jerk" according to his history with you. He's confused and doesn't seem to know what he wants. You deserve a man who knows what he wants and provides you with a stable relationship built on trust and honesty. Even if you didn't cheat on him, for your own sake, do you want to be with such a wishy-washy person? He cheated once and left you another time for another woman, then came crawling back to you. He'll probably do it again as well, being his behavior is repetitive already. What if your married to him a few years from now and home pregnant and he "has to work late and is going bowling with the guys after"? Do you want to be home with a big pregnant belly while he is possibly fornicating with some woman and might one day leave you for her? Be aware of this behavior. I'm not saying your actions were good, but he has a history of cheating/leaving behavior which played a big role in your actions, do you really feel you deserve this??

[aurora19]

Ok guys, you all ripped me about ten a**h***s so far & I am not so sure why I keep coming back & reading posts, but I guess I really am craving to hear the "truth". But, listen yes I did come here to ask for advice & yes I was silly in thinking perhaps people would say, "oh it's ok", pity, pity. But, maybe not, b/c I do not think it hit me hard enough about what I have done at first, I was looking to hear the "your a brat", "your disllusional", etc. etc. Does not mean my natural "human nature" defense mechanisms aren't going to come flying out all over the place!! Even if you know it's the supposed "truth" and you know you deserve all the harsh opinions, it still stings, still hurts! So yeah i am going to get pissed off and rant and rave for a bit! But,for the most part I have calmed down.

 

You guys fail to listen when I said I have worked on the sexual & religious issues for years!! I was very up front & honest about all my feelings. I have cried & begged, sought help etc. Any problem in our relationship has been talked about, screamed about, discussed and worked on. Most of our issues we were able to surpass. But, some issues yes sadly remain and I am in denial about it all, b/c I really do love him like I have never loved anyone & he loves me like I have never been loved, he is a good guy & believe it or not we really are happy together. Those dark issues that keep popping up, get discussed & resolved for a temporary time, but obviously it's slowly rotting the relationship away. You guys make it seem like i do not let him know all these "issues", that I just hide it and then choose to solve the problem, by ****ing some guy! Not the case. i have worked really hard with him about the sex, the religious differences, the way he cheated & left me before. His responses have not been the best, on lack of sex or confusion on his part "I can try, but I do not think it will change, well it probably will if we get married! But, I fully understand the fact that you are tempted to cheat or may have." And guess what, I have & I feel awful, but I feel like it was bound to happen I guess in the back of my head, as he has probably expected deep down & yes doesn't make it right & yes I still can't will myself to tell him! On our different view points concerning his religion, yes I get on my high horse having been educated on all areas concerning religion I tend to "disrespect" his way of thinking and he of course tells me "I am going to hell", in fact he asked for the ring back the other day b/c he said he didn't believe I accepted "JC in my heart"! For the most part we have been able to move around the issue, debate on that only comes up once & awhile concerning how we would raise our children, we are learning to compromise on that issue, but we will never be entirely on the same page. And I guess yes it will affect how he feels about sex until we are married. On his past actions, he tells me to "let it go" and "move on", but if I tell him about my cheating I know he will not "let it go", but rather stay around to make me feel like **** about it forever!! It's simple really, even if you know things are going down the drain, you still want to save it, b/c no you do not want to start over again or be alone or let go of a wonderful person that you do love so much & have such hope for!! That kills!

I really hate to hear that you all think this is "fake" b/c I am so "disillusioned" or "selfish". Yes, I am denying a lot & yes, it may seem like all I care about is "covering" my ass, but it just comes down to loving someone so much it hurts & not wanting to let go even if the relationship is "****". I do not want to let him go, because despite all the "crap", I will never ever find a better man & i will never, ever love someone like this (I know what your thinking, "oh yeah you love him so much you cheat & lie", but that has been one incident in our relationship, it does not make up everything we have)!! He may be able to find a better women, in fact i am sure of it, b/c I have been a brat, a bitch, a cheater, a lier. But, my hope was somehow to look past the "cheating" and remember I am very loving & giving, I have forgiven him and I strive everyday to be a better women for myself & for him! But, I slipped up & maybe I should have so I really took a look around to what was really going on. But, please folks, yes I made a big mistake & I have been silly in trying to justify it, but I am a great fiancee in the big scheme of things & I do love him very much & I want to take that route that I will work on our problems & not run away, well I did run away there for a little bit so shame on me & I guess I have to be the better women I am & tell him about it, come clean & see where that leads. If we really do love each other, than we will work on this, like we have worked on many things before. It's easy to fall in love, but to work to keep it, is the true test. So far, we have kept on going.

You may all judge & say this relationship is crap, b/c the sexual issues or b/c I cheated or b/c we disagree on past actions or religious issues, yeah that's a lot of crap, but we all have it! It is not an everyday thing, we are like any couple, for the most part we are content & happy, then there are those days where we fight & say & do nasty things, but we always talk about it & forgive one another & move on often loving one another even more. I really felt in a way that this "cheating" came from left field! I was aware of the problems, I was tempted & thought about it, but never imagined it would get this far. We were making progress, it was frustrating & a long process, but it was there regardless.

I am not ready to throw in the towel, I am not ready to write myself off as a terrible, horrible person, I am not ready to let everyone tell me this relationship is crap, b/c they were not there in our moments of love, of growth, of beauty, you are just all hearing about the "problems" over glorified. i will tell him about this soon enough & I hope he learns to forgive me & we can move on. However if at some point I decide not to tell him, that is my decision & it does not mean I am not thinking about his life & decisions, this is "our" life & I need to make a decision based on "our" life. He has made too many comments in the last two days that assure me he knows, but would rather move on. There are some people like that. I also think, he feels because he did to me, that he can forgive & forget what I have done. We are always together 24/7, in those few moments he was not there, where I did not answer the phone, I am sure he sensed it. The comment he made yesterday, "we will get through anything, nothing will tear us apart ever.", just out the blue, makes me believe I am already forgiven.

Yes people believe it or not, sometimes bad things happen in a relationship & you realize you would rather move on or not know. And these days its too easy for people to say, "well he or she cheated or she/he's a lier & a jerk or you disagree or have too many problems, move on, there are other fish in the sea, you deserve better, blah, blah", but that is not always true, yes I made a mistake & we have issues, but I do not want to spend my life with anyone else & I KNOW he feels the same. Call me "disillusional", I'd like to think "hopeless romantic", it's easy to sit there and rant and rave about your problems with people & they forget to add in the good of people or the love that is surely there. In time I am sure somehow b/f we get married the "cheating" will be out in the open, but hum, well enough said. i love him, despite all the problems & flaws & we will get through it, that's real love.

I'll keep you all updated & if this relationship goes kaput, then I will eat my words, but I hope it's the other way around.

[GirlDown]

"disillusioned"? maybe disassociative.

 

"hopeless romantic"? i was a hopeless romantic in high school...other people called it "slutty."

 

you "forgot" your boyfriend cheated on you? please.

 

effing drama queens gotta ruin it for everybody.

[Owl]

aurora-

 

I'm not judging here, I don't know you, and how this works out won't impact my life one little bit.

 

You have gone on and on about the issues you and your fiancee have. What are the two of you doing about them? Have either of you considered doing couples counseling BEFORE you get married? It seems to me that you have a lot of things that you both need to work through before either of you would be capable of having a lasting, wonderful relationship with anyone.

 

You have pointed out that it was a mistake...and ordinarily, I'd be inclined to agree. BUT...you mentioned that you were glad that the fiancee didn't go, because you KNEW the old flame was going to be there. That tells me that even if you didn't plan on "cheating"...you did plan on indulging in behavior that your boyfriend would have been hurt and upset by if he HAD been there. Think about it.

 

I also find it interesting that you did use protection. Who brought it...the ex-flame, or you? It sounds to me as if SOMEONE was coming prepared to have fun...

 

If you have any desire to truly give your relationship with your fiancee a chance at a future, you need to tell him. It's obvious from the way you've described him that he IS likely to be deeply hurt and upset over what happened. But do you have any idea how much worse it will be for BOTH of you if he finds out years from now? Esp if he finds out from someone else! And it is HIS choice to remain in this relationship or not, in light of what you've done. Just as much as it's your choice...so it's totally unfair of you to make that choice for him.

 

Right now, he thinks that everything is ok in your relationship with him. Clearly its not. You call this a mistake...but it's still a mistake that YOU made. You, drunk or not, decided to do this. And from the way you described things, while you may not have meant for it to go this far, you were clearly wanting SOMETHING to happen...otherwise, you wouldn't have gone to a party glad that your fiancee wasn't there because you knew your ex-flame was there. Think about it.

 

Seriously...if you want to stay together with him, you need to be HONEST with him...and seek counseling to sort through the issues that you two can't agree on in your relationship now. They WON'T just magically disappear when/if you marry. I KNOW...I've been married for 17+ years now.

[Debo]

Originally posted by GirlDown

"disillusioned"? maybe disassociative.

 

"hopeless romantic"? i was a hopeless romantic in high school...other people called it "slutty."

 

you "forgot" your boyfriend cheated on you? please.

 

effing drama queens gotta ruin it for everybody.

 

 

LOL, Tell us how you really feel, GirlDown.

[katie79]

Ah...people come down on me all the time too whenever I post something. I do my best not to, because people come here for advice, not so much opinions.

After you explained his history of cheating and abandonment, I don't know if you should feel guilty at this point. Maybe your guilt is a sign to pull you out of this relationship before it's too late.

So he can dish it out, but he can't take it in?? That's a double-standard.

Don't block out what he has done to hurt you in the past, because that "avoidance" approach in yoru head is what caused this in the first place.

I hope I am not offending you, cause I'm on your side here.

[Cecelius]

Originally posted by aurora19

Ok, whoa! I guess maybe I thought there would be someone out there that would understand where I was coming from.

First off thank you all for your opinions, they made me feel like crap, but that's what I needed to hear.

Secondly, maybe I should explain to you guys a little more about the issues we have with sex. He has a huge guilt factor placed on him by his very religious parents. In the past he has gone from extremes where he refused to even french kiss me and told me that he was offending God by being sexual with me, this even after 4 years together still gets brought up. Then there were moments in our relationship where he was obsessed with sex, porn, calling me a "dirty slut" during sex and then he would make me feel guilty afterwards for being "desirable", so now after all of that on and off ****, for like the last six months it's been barely there sex and a million excuses as to why we are not having it! i suggested maybe getting a dildo and he flipped on that idea, saying he would not have "toys" like that in the house, but it's ok for him to surf the web for porn and oh yuck, talk about feeling undesirable, once when he would refuse to have sex with me for weeks on end, citing he was "just not into it lately", I turned on the TV one day to see low and behold a girl on girl video! I have been so confused by his nature, but I do love him!!! Despite this "problem" and we all have our flaws and problems in our relationships, we are madly in love, we work well with everything else and I do want to spend the rest of my life with him! But, it's hard and confusing not to have a healthy sex life!

 

Then he's probably not the man for you. Dump him. No matter what his "issues" are, you can't delude him into thinking you were faithful to him and you have to be faithful to him. The first rule of relationships is something like don't harm them any more than you would an ordinary person...(maybe I made that up).

 

You people are so quick to judge and make it so black and white. When you really love someone, you try you hardest to overlook the flaws and work on the problem, I have done so with all my heart for 4 1/2 years now! But, there does come a time where you feel like giving up, where you are just human and you have your urges and under the influence of a lot booze and frustion you can falter and make a mistake!!! Even though it was good sex and a good release, I know it was a mistake and I know I would never do it again! I needed to know, if it really mattered that much to me!! Before I walked down the aisle, I needed to know for certain if I was even capable anymore of being sexual! believe it or not I feel as if it prompted me to work harder at our problem. He has been a little more open since the engagement b/c he says he feel more comfortable knowing I am going to be his wife, so I feel that maybe I can just find other ways to ease him into a "normal" sex life! Yes, I have questions and doubts, but that is normal, for the most part i know he is the man for me!

 

 

Same comment as above.

 

So no I do not feel like I should tell him this, when #1 it would break his heart and mine and why, it did not mean anything to me!

 

 

Its about the woman he loves (whether he should or should not or knows what he's in for) doing something pretty cheap and demeaning (with a guy he does not like). I cannot imagine a bigger betrayal than this. He has a right to know who he is marrying.

 

#2 If I am truthful and he can't forgive me, we could be letting go of the love of our lives b/c of a mistake...

 

 

What's wrong with the world is that people maintain a distinction between (1) what is true (ie, what actually occurred) and (2) what people think/believe is true (your b/f thinking you went to a party and nothing else). Granted, you might get away with it. But what kind of person are you if you are "getting away with it"?

 

 

Ok, so no I am not ready to let go of this man and ruin everything we built b/c I was a weak, drunk whore!

 

 

Same comment above. It's not really your place to decide whether to let him go or not.

 

That's what real love is about! It's not about ****ing roses and hearts, it's about finding someone that you not only love, but loves you back, it's about looking past each others flaws, about forgiveness, about hardships, about the "problems" and working through them.

 

 

He is not consenting to THIS flaw. You're saying he won't know about it. So he won't really love you at all according to what you feel love means.

[Hund1976]

If you really want to be together with this guy I think you should come clean and tell him everything, tell him what happened with the ex BF and also tell him how you've been feeling. Tell him you love him and you're really sorry and want to work things out. Then if he decides he wants to stay with you I would suggest you both get some professional help together and separately since I think you both have some big issues that would need to be addressed before you could ever hope to have a happy marraige.

[aurora19]

Girl Down

I hardly think sleeping with one guy while I was faithful to the other for almost 5 years is considered "slutty", "disrespectful" maybe, "stupid" perhaps, but "slutty"? Our definitions are obviously very different. Sorry in high school when I was a "hopeless romantic" I had cute crushes on nice guys & I kept my legs closed! Sorry to hear you have deep seated issues about the blow jobs you gave the football team to fit in!

No I did not "forget" that he cheated, I was so consumed by what I had done, I did not think about his mistakes, I was consumed by my own!! Happens, but wait I forgot i'm a "selfish brat"! It wasn't until it was brought up that I even took it into consideration as a possible motive.

Owl did the counseling and the talking and you know what this is to all of you.......

 

Ok, you know what I called a good girlfriend about this & broke down. I told her how I came here for advice & of course it only made me feel worse, I was going to tell him & that's that. Well you know what, talking to a friend who has known you your whole life & hearing their advice is far superior than to listen to this rubbish!

 

Ok, GirlDown you want a drama queen, I'll give you an ****ing drama queen. I am going to be brutally honest with you, b/c after speaking to my girl friend, i realize more in one hour of conversation with her more than all your "physco babble" that I am so sure you all must be so qualified to give over the last two days, please.

 

I love my fiancee, I am going to marry him, he has done bad, I have done bad, overall we are blissfully happy! We work thorough it all & again most of the problems have to be over glorified, it's what you all want to hear anyways. Because this is the real truth, I have not been getting laid, but I love this man! You have all gone around & around in circles convincing me that this is right & this is wrong & maybe it's b/c of this & that & oh wait what about that terrible thing that happened 5 years ago. And then I am convinced I am bad, bad, bad! I was trying to be straight up & hear some "helpful realistic" advice & instead I get a bunch of Oprah & Dr. Phil's & their fluffy "I am holier than thou attitude". Gosh, stop deep frying your brains in self help hell!!

 

Sometimes believe it or not people, there are some wonderfully good human beings out there who **** up & lie & cheat & for silly reasons. Point in case.

Look I am getting married, that's the rest of my life!!! That's scary **** & I love him, but I have to make sure it's for forever & for the right reasons!!! Yeah we've got our problems, but damn people what sugar ****ing fairy kingdom do you all live it where you believe you have to be holding hands, smiling & singing "kombi-****ing-ya". Relationships are hard work & regardless if you think your spouse or boyfriend/girlfriend is the best thing since wonder bread, they probably lie & cheat or choose to NEVER tell you things, it's human nature. Everyone's a dirty dog somehow!

 

I know some of you don't want to hear that, but I imagine that's why you're all on this web site, b/c someone did an oh so horrible thing to you & your stuck in your bedroom, with a sappy ass love song playing over & over crying "why me!". Meanwhile your ex is out ****ing someone else. Get the hell over it & move on!! You come here so all you "burned" little wusses can cry on each others shoulders & tell each other it's ok!! Maybe it's not ok, but get over it. Obviously your all so desperate you come here as a last resort & find to your delight "oh my god i am not the only over obsessed, heart broken loser out there"! Yipee! I know b/c that's why i first came on this site ages ago. I loved to hear some far away nobody tell me "buck up darling, someone else will come along, your better off la dee dah." You know the advice people gave ended up being wrong, wrong,wrong, but at the time my fragile ego felt embraced by the illusionary land of LS, where you can be anyone & poor out your soul & find ways to grow moss around your brain & the ultimate truth, b/c come on none of you will EVER know the REAL story, you hear bits & pieces here & there.

Then there are those sweet, little over weight folks who sit eating their happy meds, hugging there teddy bear saying "love, peace & happiness, life is beautiful", just so it gets them through their lonely days.

And don't even get me started on the freaks who come on here to feel superior. Who shell out their advice like their ****ing Nietzsche"! Give me a ****ing break! You're probably middle aged, over weight bastards with a mullet, k-mart attire and find humor over saying "Beam me up scottie" and talk Klingon with your "online" buddies. No one would listen to you with seriousness in the "real world", that's why your ranting here.

 

You know what I want to say to all of you, sort out your own damn problems! Your gut instinct is your best friend!! Talk to the people who really know you! Don't resort to here b/c your only real friend is a pet snake you call "Gandalf" & your afraid to be strong & move on!! Get out of your house & off your damn keyboard & live damn it & realize YOU WILL MAKE MISTAKES & thank god b/c how the hell will you learn anything & know better!!!

 

I am sexually frustrated, I wanted to **** the ex & I did & it was great!!!!! But, it was wrong, I feel bad, it's over & it will NEVER happen again b/c know I am sure I want to be with my fiancee despite everything. Next time I'll get a damn dildo! Big whoop, get over it folks & realize yes what a shame people are scandalous & nobody should be trusted!! Bad things happen & you MOVE ON! "Oh god humanity is ruined", guess what, it has always been so!! Even the good can be bad, in my everyday "real" existence people think I am as sweet as honey & pie. go figure!!! Because normally I am, but damn you people know how to make people feel bad & convince them that things are worse than they really are!

 

I made a wrong turn going to this site! Next time I'll turn to people who know me & I will listen to my heart & my heart thinks this is better left in the past!!!!

 

Good luck, but you'll never get what you all need here! It's outside of here!!!

 

Now I'll leave you over pretenscious a**h***s to name call me & pysco analaze me! Good lord when did you all become "experts"!

[Merin]

 

And they all lived happily ever after.. mmm..

[tanbark813]

*in his best Dr. Evil voice*: Rrrrrrrrrriiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiight...

[blind_otter]

Originally posted by aurora19

 

I know some of you don't want to hear that, but I imagine that's why you're all on this web site, b/c someone did an oh so horrible thing to you & your stuck in your bedroom, with a sappy ass love song playing over & over crying "why me!". Meanwhile your ex is out ****ing someone else. Get the hell over it & move on!! You come here so all you "burned" little wusses can cry on each others shoulders & tell each other it's ok!! Maybe it's not ok, but get over it. Obviously your all so desperate you come here as a last resort & find to your delight "oh my god i am not the only over obsessed, heart broken loser out there"! Yipee! I know b/c that's why i first came on this site ages ago. I loved to hear some far away nobody tell me "buck up darling, someone else will come along, your better off la dee dah." You know the advice people gave ended up being wrong, wrong,wrong, but at the time my fragile ego felt embraced by the illusionary land of LS, where you can be anyone & poor out your soul & find ways to grow moss around your brain & the ultimate truth, b/c come on none of you will EVER know the REAL story, you hear bits & pieces here & there.

Then there are those sweet, little over weight folks who sit eating their happy meds, hugging there teddy bear saying "love, peace & happiness, life is beautiful", just so it gets them through their lonely days.

And don't even get me started on the freaks who come on here to feel superior. Who shell out their advice like their ****ing Nietzsche"! Give me a ****ing break! You're probably middle aged, over weight bastards with a mullet, k-mart attire and find humor over saying "Beam me up scottie" and talk Klingon with your "online" buddies. No one would listen to you with seriousness in the "real world", that's why your ranting here.

 

 

Oh, man this is great. Yeah, f*ck it, I'm sure you've been interested in/compassionate enough to look at other people's tragedies. Some people on here have been seriously f*cked over, not just being weak in the face of temptation and screwing an ex. Hell, I did that before, more than once, but I didn't run to someone else seeking validation - I knew it was stupid, selfish, and a sign that my current relationship was not right or good for either of us. What were you looking for when you posted your original story? Some kind of affirmation or validation?

[Owl]

Originally posted by aurora19

 

 

I am sexually frustrated, I wanted to **** the ex & I did & it was great!!!!!

 

 

Hmmm...so what did you come here for? Were you hoping everyone would tell you that it was ok...that you didn't do anything wrong?

 

I didn't attack you with my reply...you saw some attacks, but you also were given some decent advice from a number of people who meant well.

 

I will say that if you truly expected to post on ANY board what you posted here, and not have expected to see some flames, you were dreaming. But what I find most interesting is that you keep focusing on the flames...and not on the advice you've been given. You have ignored every bit of that advice, and instead have decided that you're right, and everyone on this forum is wrong, and out to get you.

 

Grow up.

 

 

I really do wish the best for you and your boyfriend. Given all you've described, I sincerely doubt that either of you are going to be able to have a relationship with each other. You're both too absorbed in your own problems, too willing to see only the other person's faults, and too willing to satisfy your own urges without care for the other. Good luck to you both!

[whichwayisup]

You guys fail to listen when I said I have worked on the sexual & religious issues for years!! I was very up front & honest about all my feelings. I have cried & begged, sought help etc. Any problem in our relationship has been talked about, screamed about, discussed and worked on. Most of our issues we were able to surpass. But, some issues yes sadly remain and I am in denial about it all, b/c I really do love him like I have never loved anyone & he loves me like I have never been loved, he is a good guy & believe it or not we really are happy together. Those dark issues that keep popping up, get discussed & resolved for a temporary time, but obviously it's slowly rotting the relationship away.

 

Sounds like you both are hitting a brick wall at the same time. s*** or get off the pot. MAKE the choice to stay, work it out and LEARN to accept things are they are and deal with it, or LEAVE. Why stay in an ongoing battle that never is going to get solved?

 

Doesn't seem to be much love in this one. From what I've read and seen so far.

[Grinning Maniac]

So Aurora...what you're saying is that you talked to your "girl friend", she told you what you wanted to hear, and now you feel justified in doing whatever it was that you had already decided to do in the first place. Congratulations...dumbass.

 

By the way, I love this quote:

 

I am sexually frustrated, I wanted to **** the ex & I did & it was great!!!!!

 

That's kind of a far cry from the "OhhhIwassodrunkanddepressedwhathaveIdoneblahblahblah" malarky you were peddling originally. Yawn.

[Grinning Maniac]

Yeah, I agree completely with you Owl. Like I said, she's sticking her fingers in her ears. I don't know why she bothered to post in the first place?

 

I think they should stay together. They seem to deserve each other.

[savethedrama4allama]

aurora,

 

If the roles were reversed and your boyfriend did the same thing to you, would you want to know?

[Grinning Maniac]

Is anyone realizing what a great catch the GUY is in this situation?

 

It's like the male version of the mom from "Carrie"! I LOVE JESUS FREAKS. Don't get me wrong, religion is great, but some people can't handle that **** at all. Case in point.

 

-He tells aurora she's going to Hell...yeah...great thing to say to your future wife.

-He's banging her and calling her a filthy who-er, then screaming at her for daring to make him get an erection. How DARE you be sexy?!

-He demands for the ring back because she hasn't accepted JEEEEBUSSSS KAAARIIISSTTT!!!!

-He flips at the idea of aurora using sex toys, but he looks at porn and has a stash of girl-on-girl action. I may be nuts...but doesn't "Jebus" think homosexuality is *wrong*? Yet he's flogging the dolphin to it? Okay.

- He bounces back and forth between being a cold fish and wanting molest aurora like an alter boy on a hot summer day.

 

This guy has ISSUES. Aurora...there are some situations that are impossible to work out. This looks like one of them. It's great that you love this guy, really it is, but some relationships are just ****ed up. You can love someone a hell of a lot but it doesn't necessarily mean a relationship with them is a smart idea. A lot of people seem to mix those up. Love is a wonderful thing, but come on...you have to see that this is pretty creepy. Why stick around in what seems to be a kind of abusive relationship? I mean...this guy seems seriously unhinged and "doing the work of the Lord".

 

You admit that these issues are slowly destroying the relationship anyway. You two "solve" them for a while, they pop back up and more damage is done. Why keep doing the same thing? Aurora, love does NOT conquer all, ok? Just because you love this guy doesn't mean that everything wrong in the relationship will be fixed by the power of hugs and kisses.

 

NOw that that's said, I have something to say...you went off on a rant about the people who post here and spouted a bunch of pathetic stereotypes. But you're no better than you accuse us of being. You're in a ****ty relationship with a religious zealot. How are you on the higher ground? You missed a stereotype: the delusional people in crap relationships looking for validation. Whoops.