why did dumper contact?

[monsoon281]

So I've read quite a few posts by other users about the NC rule and second chances on the Love Shack boards. I was dumped during a two year long relationship three weeks ago out of the blue with the common "I'm confused I need to be single and figure out what I want in life" line. My girlfriend and I had been very close and talking about marriage and running away together the past six months.. mostly her pressuring me so this was obviously a shock.

 

We had a relationship where we never fought etc and became best friends as well as lovers. The last month or so I've been really focused on work trying to find new jobs so I hadn't been focusing on the relationship. I trusted that my gf would provide me support while I was stressed out since I had supported her through her mothers battle with cancer and her own health problems.

 

About a week after the breakup I talked with her on the phone and she claimed that she loved me and that she just thought the relationship had "lost passion" and what was the difference as friends. I tried to explain that we could work on that, that we had a special bond, and I had just been stressed with work. She retorted by saying there was no excuse, and that driving to see her (3 hr drive) after my long week and taking her hour to eat at nice restaurants wasn't enough (I've had no energy with work to plan weekend getaways etc). She proceeded to tell me she didn't know how long this would last and that I could date her and she loved me, but that she needed her space and we should date other people too and sleeping with them was ok? WTF? Then she proceeded to tell me how much she loved me and we got off the phone.

 

Obviously I wasn't ok with after a two year relationship where I felt like I had supported her through so much. The next day she posted skanky pictures of herself on Facebook to gain attention, which shes never done, and I felt was totally disrespectful considering we were four days post breakup with a very close 2 year relationship. I felt used, wrote her a nice goodbye note telling her she was beautiful, we had a good relationship, and good luck with her life (only positives), and went into NC immediately completely heartbroken.

 

Two weeks after I went NC I received a message from her saying "Hi Sam. Are you there?" Confused, I waited a day and responded "Hi. What is your motive in contacting me?" I haven't gotten a response, It's been over a week, and I don't know what to make of the whole situation. I'm deathly afraid of being strung along as my heart still wants her. I feel that I have made it clear that she must state whether she is trying to be friends, reconcile etc before she contacts me.. but I am fearful I might have scared away a second chance by showing her my walls were up in defense. I just feel I need to protect my dignity.

[StrongLass]

Two weeks after I went NC I received a message from her saying "Hi Sam. Are you there?" Confused, I waited a day and responded "Hi. What is your motive in contacting me?" I haven't gotten a response, It's been over a week, and I don't know what to make of the whole situation.

 

Actually, you do. You should make nothing of the situation, because she's unwilling/incapable right now of giving you what you want/need (or a straight answer for that matter) & you need healthy distance from her to heal. Dumpers who ask those kinds of vague questions are fishing for information on how you're doing without them.

 

I feel that I have made it clear that she must state whether she is trying to be friends, reconcile etc before she contacts me..

 

You HAVE made that clear (bravo! ) why do you think you've gotten no answer? She was fishing to see if you still want her as an ego boost.

 

but I am fearful I might have scared away a second chance by showing her my walls were up in defense.

 

Let's review the checklist of her recent behavior, shall we?

 

1. Wants to have sex with other people

2. Dressing like slut to attract attention

3. Sending vague texts fishing for how you're doing

 

That is NOT the behavior of someone you have a second chance with right now. You're doing the right thing by protecting your heart, cause clearly it's ALL about her whims right now.

 

I just feel I need to protect my dignity.

 

You do. You're doing a good job so far, keep it up. Everyone in this forum is more than willing to listen if you need support.

[organizedchaos]

This wasn't an attempt at a second chance. So you didn't scare anything away.

[monsoon281]

Thank you for the support and clear guidance stronglass and organizedchaos. I will maintain NC to protect my dignity.

 

I feel like this girl has borderline personality disorder as a result of being abandoned by her father and being around abusive people (her mom always picked the bad ones). When I read about the disorder it is almost scary how close the symptoms match the actions she has displayed in our relationship... mood swings, drive to conquer me, constant need for validation etc.

 

I feel obligated to comfort my ex because her mom has relapsed with cancer since we broke up three weeks ago, which makes it tough to keep NC. I am a giver so it is naturally hard for me to think of myself first in this kind of a situation even though she has basically kicked me in the chest when I needed her support after I had been there for her so many times.

[organizedchaos]

Thank you for the support and clear guidance stronglass and organizedchaos. I will maintain NC to protect my dignity.

 

I feel like this girl has borderline personality disorder as a result of being abandoned by her father and being around abusive people (her mom always picked the bad ones). When I read about the disorder it is almost scary how close the symptoms match the actions she has displayed in our relationship... mood swings, drive to conquer me, constant need for validation etc.

 

I feel obligated to comfort my ex because her mom has relapsed with cancer since we broke up three weeks ago, which makes it tough to keep NC. I am a giver so it is naturally hard for me to think of myself first in this kind of a situation even though she has basically kicked me in the chest when I needed her support after I had been there for her so many times.

 

 

 

You owe her nothing. She dumped you. Don't be a doormat.

[monsoon281]

Thank you again for the wake up chaos. I'm gonna keep on keepin on with a smile haha

[WantanS4]

Two weeks after I went NC I received a message from her saying "Hi Sam. Are you there?" Confused, I waited a day and responded "Hi. What is your motive in contacting me?" I haven't gotten a response, It's been over a week, and I don't know what to make of the whole situation. I'm deathly afraid of being strung along as my heart still wants her. I feel that I have made it clear that she must state whether she is trying to be friends, reconcile etc before she contacts me.. but I am fearful I might have scared away a second chance by showing her my walls were up in defense. I just feel I need to protect my dignity.

 

****ing BRAVO!!!

 

Did you scare her, nah, but you did call her out. Which is why she hasn't tried to play a game with you again.

 

It's more than likely she's in awe and shock, which precipitates her to think about what the hell she really wants and what she's doing. AWESOME for you.

 

Keep going, you're winning right now

[monsoon281]

****ing BRAVO!!!

 

Did you scare her, nah, but you did call her out. Which is why she hasn't tried to play a game with you again.

 

It's more than likely she's in awe and shock, which precipitates her to think about what the hell she really wants and what she's doing. AWESOME for you.

 

Keep going, you're winning right now

 

Hell yeah! Thanks Wantan.

Edited February 18, 2014 by monsoon281

[Downtown]

I feel like this girl has borderline personality disorder as a result of being abandoned by her father and being around abusive people (her mom always picked the bad ones). ...I feel obligated to comfort my ex because her mom has relapsed with cancer since we broke up three weeks ago.

Monsoon, if your exGF actually does have BPD (or strong traits of it), she is incapable of appreciating your comforting or other sacrifices. Because a BPDer's perception of reality is limited to the intense feelings she is experiencing RIGHT THIS MOMENT, it is impossible to build up a store of appreciation on which you can later draw during the hard times. If you would like to read about the experiences Rebel and I had with BPDer women, you will find them in Rebel's thread at http://www.loveshack.org/forums/breaking-up-reconciliation-coping/separation-divorce/275289-crazy-i-think-but-i-love-her-anyway#post3398735. Take care, Monsoon.

[monsoon281]

Thank you for the BPD info. I do feel she had the disease... Good point about these people not being able to store up feeling and acting on what they feel at the present. Exactly spot on. This girl is a passive/quiet BPD woman so it took me a lot longer to see her manipulation and swings clearly. I will read up fully on your BPD journeys to help me cope. Thank you again.

[Downtown]

This girl is a passive/quiet BPD woman so it took me a lot longer to see her manipulation and swings clearly.

Monsoon, only a small share (perhaps less than 5%) of BPDers are the quiet type. As a result, it is difficult to find any insightful information about them online. I nonetheless have found two articles I like. A.J. Mahari describes them at Borderline Personality - The Quiet Acting In Borderline and The Silent Treatment - Nons - Borderline Personality Disorder Inside Out. Mahari calls them "quiet borderlines" and she emphasizes the coldness and icy withdrawal that is used to punish partners.

 

Similarly, Shari Schreiber describes them at BORDERLINE WAIFS AND UNSUNG HEROES; Rescuing The Woman Who Doesn't Want To Be Saved. Schreiber calls them "Borderline Waifs" and emphasizes the "poor-little-me, I am such a victim" behaviors. I suspect that, if your exGF actually is a BPDer, you will find Schreiber's description to be closer (than that of Mahari) to what you describe here.

[monsoon281]

Wow! The second article you posted highlights her mannerisms to a scary degree. Its like reading a story about our relationship. I am a giver at heart so I have been playing the other side. When I needed her to care for me for a while in the end though she dumped me like I was meaningless. Thank you for posting these articles. They are informative and have helped my healing.