Experiencing separation at a young age

[house13um]

It's weird to introduce yourself on a forum without providing a name, but I read through the guidelines, so I want to be sure I follow them as best as I can being new here. So, uhm...

 

Hi, my name is house13um.

 

I am a 23-year-old male, non-denominational Christian, and a masters student for Marriage and Family Counseling, seeking my LMFT. I have been married for the past 9 months, and my wife and I dated for three years prior to the wedding. I recently went through a separation at the beginning of February -- she left me.

 

The concise story is as follows:

 

My wife and I had a very sweet and loving relationship throughout both our dating and our married days. We had excellent communication and approached our physical relationship in a somewhat more relaxed matter; sex did not happen until marriage. I was a virgin when we got married, so I gave it up to her. She had had sex with several men in the past and only experienced a couple of short-lived dating relationships, but I was in a similar boat -- I had only dated once at 16 for a month but had "slept with" several girls afterward, e.g. the Scene Kid cuddle buddy system that was around in 2008-09. (On that note, I used to be a Scene Kid, but about the only thing that has carried over is my love for long hair)

 

Problems arose early on on both our ends, and we were both ready and prepared for them (which is to say none of them came as a surprise). My dad had anger issues and her mom was an alcoholic. After about a year together, I started lashing out on her, and she was fighting returning to drinking, as she had quit since a few months before we started dating. As a note, I have hit my wife. The hitting started off small -- a slap on the leg when fighting in the car, or a very hard flick on the arm -- and it never went any farther. It goes without saying that it was still too much, and she had experienced physical abuse within her family in the past, including sexual abuse. On that topic, I was always delicate and caring. I helped her into therapy after a few months, and things really improved for her.

 

However, before we got married, we lived together over the summer of 2012 and for a few months (dorm costs at the school I went to became ridiculous and I had no local friends who were not staying in a dorm, so my at-the-time-fiancee took me in). During the summer, things were quite nice. But over the spring, we were working on the wedding, and I was not providing financially. I tried to help by getting a full-time job, but it was awful; between 15 hours of school and an on-campus part-time job, it sent me home crying every night. I didn't want to leave my wife burdened with the stress of the finances, but I couldn't handle the responsibility. And so debt accrued on her end, though she never resented me for this fact.

 

I managed to pay her back in full the following semester after we were married once I got a stable job and student loans. As far as our marriage went, things were better than ever before. But our two major vices began to really surface with our newfound closeness. I stopped hitting her, but whenever we had very violent fights, I would throw her to the bed and pin her for a second, then back off the second I was in place. I always pulled off, but I still managed to go far enough to do it in the first place. This always sent her off to the bathroom crying, and only once every so often was I able to reach out to her and comfort her (which we had talked about, and she made clear it was what she wanted me to do if ever I hurt her). When this arose, she started drinking. When she started drinking, I got angrier. But thankfully, she drank herself into a stupor and called me one night asking me to pick her up. I did, I comforted her, and we talked the day after. I was mad, but I was able to handle myself a little better, and we actually ended up working it out. She stayed clean for the rest of the time, until a couple of weeks ago.

 

While I had managed to pay off all the debt she accrued over the spring, I was not helping to pay rent after the semester started. She had promised to pay my way through masters school, but after a few months, she came to me crying that she couldn't handle the stress of work. Of course I understood this, having been through an awful period earlier in the year. But I was mad still, because she was breaking a promise. Stupid me and very unappreciative, I fought with her about it. The fight got so bad that I did not hit her, but I left. By this point, we had agreed that if a fight was escalating, we needed to get away from each other for a moment until we cooled down. This had been a successful technique, whenever we used it. Before we got married, it was seldom. Afterward, it was more often, and the results were very positive -- we managed to resolve issues instead of fighting tooth-and-nail. However, after I left this time, she became more upset than relieved (I called her once while on the road, screaming. That really upset her). We failed to resolve that issue, and things went on as they were.

 

At the very beginning of this year, she sent me a text at work asking if I loved her. I replied with a very cute message, and she replied back with "I love you too". But she explained that she was not sure she would be around forever, though she was crying as she typed it. She explained herself that night when she came home, and it was because I was being unsupportive financially. I was still mad, more so because she was considering leaving because of this. But, thankfully, in that one moment, I understood clearly. I comforted her and told her I would support her from there on out. And so I did, all the way.

 

But we had one more fight before things began to end. She had sent me a text that read [paraphrased for privacy reasons] "My sweet, we are going to sew a quilt together. And, if you shall die before me, I will lay it over your body to keep you warm. And, if I shall die before you, I want you to sleep under it every night. We will see each other old, and love each other more and more each day." It was the sweetest thing she could say, considering how I was afraid at the time that she would still leave me. So we decided to have a date day together. We went to a fabric shop to pick out the patterns together. But wouldn't you know it, we disagreed on the patterns. While I was trying to work with her, she was upset that I did not like any of the things she liked. I wasn't trying to force anything of my own taste on her, but she was upset that I didn't like her taste. She said "I hate that there are so few things you like that I like, that I am the only one who likes the things you like"... roughly. There wasn't so many "likes" in her statement -- trust me, we are proficient speakers, haha. But, because she was getting so upset so fast, I walked out of the store. I walked out on my wife as we were looking for quilt patterns... this is the most bitter thing I feel I have ever done to her to date. I always fight back bawling when I think about what I did that day. Nevertheless, we talked it out, I comforted her, we did in fact find patterns we mutually liked, and the day became much better very quickly. In fact, before we went into the restaurant we were going to have lunch at, while sitting in the car, we had a locked-eye moment of realisation "Why did we just fight over THAT?!" and we hugged and kissed over an uncomfortably plastic-y console. We spent a wonderful day together and ended it by crying together while watching Up. Of course, the crying took up the first five minutes of the movie.

 

Then the day came. We were about to have sex when I noticed she seemed preoccupied. I asked her what was wrong, in all earnest as I always did whenever I was concerned that my dearest was troubled. She told me she was considering leaving me. I broke down and began to bawl, and she held me. I wasn't angry, I was just so broken by this statement, because I knew it must have foundation by now since she had already alluded to it once before. I tried to talk with her about it, but she refused to discuss her feelings -- something unusual for her. She left the next night to spend the night with one of our mutual friends, and then that following day, we talked. She had explained that her feelings were based around our most recent fight, as well as the fight about my supporting her financially. I fully understood and gave her all the comforting in the world. We talked it out, I developed a game plan, and we moved forward hand-in-hand. I was to work on my anger, as she was already doing a fine job of working on her patience (we mutually agreed upon this fact). And of course, I was to pay my end of rent and food on my own, which I had already committed to doing. We tried to move forward, and she made some effort to work things out. We went to see Frozen together one night, but I could tell she was still preoccupied the whole time. I asked her about it, but returning to her original position, she did not want to talk about it. Working for my LMFT, I know the steps of Divorce Busting and how to best care for a spouse who is considering leaving. She had stated she wanted more space and freedom in all of this as well, so I decided to put some distance between us while participating in any conversation she initiated. I took care of the house (as had always been my responsibility, and happily so -- I love to clean), and I paid for my end. I continued to tell her I loved her at least once a day, where it had once been multiple times a day. But I also decided to take a "vacation" and see my parents for a few days. She was very grateful for this move and thanked me, saying I was doing a great job supporting her.

 

So, I left for my parents. This was during the big freeze down here in southern Alabama, about three weeks ago. We live with two other guys, our long-time best friends from campus. Our apartment separated us efficiently with two bedrooms split by a large, expansive living and dining area -- no mingling took place unless we went out of our way to hang out, as they usually had their own friends over in their bedroom. While I was away, our friends informed me that my wife was going out in the middle of the night, even as the roads were iced over. Sure enough, she returned one morning around 3 AM and testified to having drank, though not to tell me. Well... we know what happened there. Anyway, she went as far as to ask to borrow one of their vehicles, as her car was not getting traction. They refused the offer and asked what she was doing, and she left. She stayed aloof the whole time I was at my parents and progressively raised concerns with my friends, as when she went out, she was very well dressed and had on her best perfume.

 

As a note, my wife has cheated on me in the past, but only after three weeks into our dating relationship many years ago. She cheated on me with a guy she had had an off-and-on physical relationship with for four years. But she had told me a few months after the fact that she cheated on me, she told me that after sex, she told her past lover that "I think I'm falling in love with my boyfriend. I don't want this anyone. Thank you for being there for me over the years, but I think I'm ready to move on now." And the guy understood. Ironically enough, when she told me about all of this, I felt bad for the guy -- she was losing a great girl. She was so worried that I was going to break up with her, but I laughed, comforted her, told her I planned to always be by her side, and then held her for an hour until she fell asleep.

 

That said, I am not entirely convinced that she was cheating on me while I was away with my parents, as she also got dressed up anytime a friend was coming over or she was going to see a friend, irregardless of gender. She liked to present herself decently. But of course, I admit to the possibility. Anyway, the rest of the story:

 

After I returned, my wife informed me that she was planning to leave on 16 February. I did not fight this, but rather supported her with her decision. I did ask what her ultimate reason was for doing this, and she said in the moment that it was because she wanted to live alone for a while, as she never had the experience. This was true, as she had always either lived with her mom and whatever guy she was seeing at time, with roommates, or with me, save the fall of 2012, during which time I came over every other day. Early on in our relationship, she had also stated that she had never seen herself getting married before, what with her mom's many failed relationships and her desire to live the solo life in a big city with a big dog, some cats, and a world of painting supplies. However, as we grew closer over time, she told me that the dream of us being together, growing old together, and helping each other to fulfil our dreams now far overshadowed her want to be alone. She was the first person out of us to say they wanted to get married, and I proposed to her during the fall of 2012. Before getting married at the end of spring last year, we talked many things out, and we went to premarital counseling, so as to make sure we had all our bases covered and neither of us wanted out. The more we worked together, the more we realised we were already becoming as one, and so we got married without a single bit of hesitance. But even so, I had not been helpful with the wedding at all. In fact, as far as planning and paying for it went, she was the only participant, even though she constantly asked me for help. I would say things such as "This is for you, not me" or "I'm not interested enough to do this kind of stuff." It was terrible in hindsight, but I never meant it as bad as it sound. I just didn't like the idea of having to design guest invitations or come up with decoration ideas, that was all. It was one of the few, albeit critical, times that I failed to communicate my meaning, and failed to be supportive.

 

Okay, off track. Moving on. I get home, wife informs me she wants to leave 16 February. We talk, I support her decision, and we promise to still try to make this work. We had planned to go to marital counseling, but soon afterward, she said she did not want to go anymore. Since she was starting to get very easily agitated with me, I began to get frustrated as well. I had promised to give her some money to help out with some pre-existing debt she accrued outside of the wedding, but when things turned for the worst, I told her that I felt like I was being treated unfairly and that I did not want to give her the money, or at the very least I wanted to pay for the debt myself and not let her have the cash free to use. She panicked at the notion of this and began to cry, cursing me for all that I was worth. She did give me a valid argument, and that was if I had been supporting her the previous semester, she could have paid the bills. Thus, I ended up giving her the money, which turned her mood right around. But I then added "If you can find a way to move out sooner than later, I will even let you pocket this month's rent so you can put it toward food and gas." She said "I can be out by tomorrow" with the biggest, most grateful smile. Which indeed did hurt, a lot.

 

And so she left. I helped her pack her stuff and get it ready for her, but she told me not to help move the things, as she had no intentions of giving me her new address or her new phone number. For that matter, we had to swap phones due to differences in contract-end times, and when I went to backup the stuff on her phone, it had a passcode on it. This was the first time she had ever locked her phone since before we started dating, which raised an alarm. I asked her for the code, and she gave it to me begrudgingly, though I chose not to go digging through her phone. It was obviously a sign that she was hiding something, but I still respect her. Whatever she is hiding, she can hide freely. Anyway, I backed up the phone and swapped out with her, and she was on her way. My wife left me almost two weeks ago as of today.

 

Since she's been gone, it's been unspeakably hard. I only realised after she left how sudden this separation was, and how there were still many missing holes in the story. As us left at the apartment agree upon, it's as if there is a missing "X variable" that was not explained. Something is just amiss about the entire situation.

 

But aside from that, I have been struggling every second to handle the situation properly. I will ebb and flow with trying to contact her via Facebook (the only form of contact left), to which she will not reply to any of the messages. I know my wife and I know her heart, so I also know that space is truly what she needs, so only in the last couple of days have I been able to completely restrain myself from 'crowding' her with messages. However, the same goes for friends as well. She has not been in touch with any of our mutual friends, and she has even been out of contact with both her mom (her primary source of financial support when things are tough) and her biological dad (a source of emotional support in recent years), as they have accidentally contacted my number -- my wife's old number -- thinking she still had it. I learned only recently that she did in fact have a new number and has had it since right after she left, as her work called my phone one morning asking where she was. I had received a voicemail from her landlord as an accidental phone call as well before, so I decided to contact them and see if they could check on her, which they did, and she was fine, though had slept in through her shift. They made the mistake of telling her I was the one who called though, and she closed the door on them. Surprisingly though, she sent me a message afterward explaining "It's okay. My new phone is **** and said it was 3 AM when you called them." I was expecting either silence or anger, not a dry remark like that. That was disturbing in and of itself, but I also knew that I would have to really keep my distance from here on out since I had stepped the bounds by checking to make sure she was okay.

 

So... okay. There are a bunch of gaps in my story, all of which I am sure will be filled upon discussions in this thread, but I have to stop here. I'm posting here because after blogging about this separation, after receiving a great amount of support from our friends (even after exposing my faults), I am finding myself falling into depression. My wife once provided a warmth for me that had been absent from birth, a warmth I never knew of before. With this woman, I discovered the joys of real love, of bountiful care, of ever-present support and a source of so much fun. I learned the simplest aspects of a woman's heart, and I experienced the beauty and feeling of a woman's body for the first time with her. I waited for this girl, and it was worth it in ways beyond my expectations. So many times during my later teenage years, I had come close to losing my last seed of innocence, but I managed to keep it for my wife, and she was the perfect recipient.

 

Having lost this love and this intimacy so suddenly, having been cut in half in a blindingly short time, I'm failing to regain stability. It really is that much harder every day. Nothing is healing. Everything in me is dying. Every little thing you could think of reminds me of her, and every prayer I offer only presses further our need to come back together. But even in moments of distraction, such as my busy work day today, the pain is searing. I'll stop dead in my tracks and zone out at work, and it's not until someone needs something that I come back.

 

Since I am a Christian, I pray about this every day, as do our friends. Our wish is for my wife and I to be reunited and to stay the holy vows that my wife and I said "I do" to just last spring, but also for the damage I inflicted upon her to heal, and for me to learn from my mistakes. So my desire is in fact to be with my wife again one day; I am not currently seeking any moving-on tactics, though I do need help with coping. I believe that God is real and prayer is effective, but I also believe without proper action, it is useless, as it denies whatever guidance God does provide however it is manifested. And I believe communion with those who provide support is absolutely necessary. So, here I am.

 

Now that I have reached some tangible end to this first post, I'm not sure how to close it, haha. It's been a good few years since I've posted on a forum or used online chat, and back when I did, it was for cars and computers. I really don't have any questions, and I don't know exactly what kind of support I am looking for. I guess this is where you guys take the lead. Does anyone have any input?

Edited February 18, 2014 by house13um

[house13um]

I'm a little concerned that no one has had any input so far... I worry that it's because of the physical abuse or religious elements? Or maybe I'm jumping the gun.

 

Either way, my wife and I talked today. She allowed me to go first. I proposed going through counseling (she likes specifics, so I said 7 sessions over 6 months spread out). She said that she was done for good and that she had already moved on; she has been seeing another guy for about the past month. She wants no more contact, but she wants to use the marital status to be able to get student aid for school (which I need as well).

 

And that's that. She says she wants a divorce by this time next year, and not to contact her for any reason in the meantime.

[Yasuandio]

Probably the reason you didn't get a response is because the post in way, way, way too long. Really the second post gets to the bottom line. But at the moment, I'm overwelmed. I do know you need NC and 180's based on last post (see my signature line for links).

 

I suggest u let this thread die. (Or request Moderators remove thread per this suggestion). Write a shorter, 1 page introduction, and copy/paste your second post, and go from there. Or blend the two together (intro & current status) - and get right to the point.

 

As soon as some sees that wall of text like your's (and that has to be the longest post I have ever seen), or even begins to read it - they will be exhausted. So start fresh right now, so you can get the best help from the site. It is a great site. Yas

Edited February 19, 2014 by Yasuandio