Husband had an affair

[ShannonBanana]

I found out this V-day my husband had been having an affair. We have not been together for months now as he asked for a divorce months ago but told me it had nothing to do with another woman. I feel absolutely gutted. I feel like our marriage was a lie and everything that we had and did together was like a mirage! Like it never even happened or mattered at all to him.

 

How do I get through this? I have been through so much heartbreak with him already. I feel like this is a huge setback emotionally.

[RightThere]

Sorry to hear you are struggling.

 

I'm sure he says it has nothing to do with the affair or the other woman, but it absolutely does. It's part of the package. He was invested in another relationship and therefore didn't invest enough in yours.

 

And feeling like everything before this was a mirage is totally normal. You'll feel like you are questioning everything that happened or he said because now you know this was going on in the background.

 

It won't feel like it right away, but you'll come to realize that a lot of the times where there were problems but you couldn't quite put your finger on what was wrong, now you realize it wasn't you, it was the affair.

 

Stay strong and keep posting. It will help you work through the roller coaster of emotions.

[Yasuandio]

RightThere is right, honey. His attention was somewhere else and you were essentially being robbed. But ONLY in that way, yes, it is about this OW.

 

Now that the cat is out of the bag - things are different. It's all about you now. It is no longer a secret. Part of the thrill is going, going, going, and will likely come to an end. That is not much consolation. Actually, the same I know happened during my 28 year marriage, but I have no proof, no admission - it's just an obvious conclusion. I rather prefer it way. I cannot imagine your pain.

 

Would you rather know the truth or not? At the time - I wanted the proof, badly, so badly I could taste it. I paid a lot of money trying to get the proof. It was not an easy thing to do in my particular case.

 

But everything makes sense to you now, darling. I went so many years like a numbskull. I am so sure you are much much younger than I am. Count your blessings. You could be ten more years down the road.

 

I am so sorry. We are all here for you at LS. The only thing I can think of is to point out how much worse it could be. That is how I got thru the worst few years.

 

Whenever I am hurting, or feeling down, I always think of that example

in one of the NC links on LS: you can always go tell your problems to people in a cancer ward that are about to take a dirt nap. That snaps me out of my pity party. I know it's too soon for though.

 

Affairs kick where it hurts the worst - your womanhood, self-esteme, desirability. But those thoughts are an illusion - of your ego, your pride. However, as Homer McDonald says, "you can define your pride anyway you

wish."

 

NC. 180. Period. Treat yourself kindly, and compassionately. It is his defect, and he will face it, I promise you. Come-up-in's is coming. Not today, not tomorrow. The day is going to come. Whatever you do - keep your dignity. Yas

[OpheliaSong]

I am so sorry you are hurting. Hugs.

[Tayken]

@OP.....this is your cue to start looking after numero uno. Is there any real reason why you are still with this person, and considering what you told us about the historical stuff, why would you want to continue down this path?

 

Unless you are masochist, dump him and cut your loses. You obviously deserve better than what you currently have

 

Decision is yours

[jwi71]

I found out this V-day my husband had been having an affair.

 

So sorry to hear that.

Please realize it has little do with you per se.

For now, huddle your friends and family about you, find a good IC, and prepare for some long, unfair days.

Do know that it does, in time, get better.

 

We have not been together for months now as he asked for a divorce months ago but told me it had nothing to do with another woman.

 

It is possible this is true. Being apart months is plenty of time for him to meet another. We cannot guess if he is being honest or not...and it doesn't really matter in all likelihood. This is a snipe hunt which will drive you crazy...and you're not likely to ever "know" anyway. I would not suggest pursuing this. (Unless your lawyer says otherwise...listen to him first above all others)

 

Have either of you filed for D? "Asking for D" is not clear if that means he said it to you or actually filed the papers.

I feel absolutely gutted. I feel like our marriage was a lie and everything that we had and did together was like a mirage! Like it never even happened or mattered at all to him.

 

Of course it mattered to him. One event need not invalidate a M nor what he felt - he did marry you after all...so yeah, it DID mean something....though it certainly feels like it doesn't. In your case, based on scant few words...he's been done for awhile now. I hope he wasn't leading you on in any way for months.

How do I get through this?

 

With that huddle of friends and family, IC and time.

[ShannonBanana]

Thank you all for your responses.

 

The OW has a blog which I believe they never imagined I would find. It details enough of what happened and their life for me to piece things together without too much fretting over whether I am right in my deductive reasoning.

 

We were living abroad together for years, yet the OW was from and living in our hometown. I suspect it all began on his last solo trip home not too long before our separation. How they met, I have no idea. But it definitely started at some point before he informed me of his decision to terminate the marriage whether it was an emotional affair or a sexual encounter happened during that trip.

 

Additionally, there have been clues that she played a part of this decision after replaying in my head some of the things he has said which I didn't understand at the time.

 

Before I left Europe to move home he was suggesting that perhaps we could work things out down the road...still I had no clue about the other woman which makes me think he was trying to see if it would work with her before completely letting me off the 'hook'.

 

Since this post, I found out she moved to Paris to live with him days after I moved back to the States and has since been there with him.

 

This was just the beginning of the dissipation of any sense of loyalty or caring I felt for maintaining a good report with my STBX. I had been going out of my way to keep things positive between he and I.

 

Then I realised my loyalty needed to be with myself...100% (seeing as that we have no children. Thank god).

Edited March 20, 2014 by ShannonBanana

[RightThere]

Before I left Europe to move home he was suggesting that perhaps we could work things out down the road...still I had no clue about the other woman which makes me think he was trying to see if it would work with her before completely letting me off the 'hook'.

 

He may be unsure as to what that means to him as well. He may be trying to ease you into it so he doesn't feel as much guilt about dumping you so he can be with his OW.

 

But he may also be in limbo and wanting the best of both worlds. He's unsure about this OW, so he wants to keep you on the line "just in case."

 

Either way, he's not committed to you or the relationship with you. So good on you for recognizing that the only person who is going to care about you, is YOU!