How did you (or how are you planning to) initiate second chance dialogue?

[MissTrudy]

I am not ready to do this yet but I've been thinking about how to do it without sounding desperate, needy, etc.

 

I found this website that outlines some good steps, although I feel like some of those messages reminiscing about the good old times come off as desperate. I think it offers some good starting points but I don't know if I could follow through with the entire 6-step program that it lays out.

 

 

For those of you who reached out to your ex after NC, did you just call him/her or text him out of the blue? what did the first message say? did you follow a formula like this, how did you formulate a game plan (if you formed one at all)?

 

And in case you're interested, this is basically what the website said:

 

1. First contact text. Keep it short and sweet, bring up something that you did recently that reminded you of him. if a conversation ensues, be the first to end the conversation (say, "it was nice talking to you but I have to go now :)" or something along those lines).

 

2. the good times: ask if he remembers something you guys did together. make sure it's something positive, something non-sexual so that it doesn't get misconstrued as a bootycall

 

3. evoke jealousy. tread carefully here as this could backfire! examples include, "did I see you at XX yesterday? you looked amazing!" or "I saw XXX/went to XXX with a friend, I think you would like it" (preferably XXX is a romantic movie or place, the idea is that he'll wonder if this is a girl or guy friend).

 

4. Heart-to-heart.this is a chance to show your support for him, remind him about an event/show he likes that's coming up, or compliment him/tell him something you appreciate about him.

 

5. The risk. You ask to meet up

 

6. You meet up.

 

 

From this I like steps 1,4, and 5, the others don't seem too genuine to me. 4 assumes that you're still really keyed into what is going on in his life from mutual friends who may still be talking to you about him.

[Mondmellonw]

I am not giving a second chance to anyone, but I think that if you ever want to ask someone if they want a second chance with you, you gotta make your point straight: No need for jealousy or stupid stuff like that. You'll only waste a chance, if it is still one.

[TxJD79]

I've been wondering the same thing. Not about just jumping into "hey want to get back together?" but just starting a conversation. I get the importance of not beating around the bush...but there's something to be said for easing into things. I don't have an answer. Maybe wait until there's an occasion? A birthday? Or if some event is coming up (like a concert or something else you both loved to do) and mention that? No perfect suggestions come to mind.

[Simon Phoenix]

No perfect suggestions come to mind because it's really not something you should be doing. It's not up to the dumpee to chase after the dumper, and all of that is chasing and manipulative. If you have to come up with a strategy to try to trick them into talking with you/being with you, then you've already lost. If you were to do it, it should be natural with no expectations, just like it was when you first got together. But if you are trying to figure out strategies and trying to manipulate, odds are that it will be a big waste of your time.

[TaraMaiden]

I couldn't gauge who dumped who, but if you're the dumpee, (even if you initiated the break-up, if his actions forced you to do that, with little or no alternative), then YOU cannot engage in 'second-chance' talks.

 

And if he hasn't, won't or can't change (why should he? Just because you want him to?) then it's all a hiding to nothing......

[MissTrudy]

I couldn't gauge who dumped who, but if you're the dumpee, (even if you initiated the break-up, if his actions forced you to do that, with little or no alternative), then YOU cannot engage in 'second-chance' talks.

 

And if he hasn't, won't or can't change (why should he? Just because you want him to?) then it's all a hiding to nothing......

 

I dumped him, the alternative would've been me waiting around for who knows how long, while he became emotionally available enough for me.

 

Last we talked, and before the break-up, he wanted to change for himself, as he knew he couldn't have a relationship with anyone if he didn't get over his ex completely. He was really close to being there, but not close enough for me to feel comfortable waiting it out.

[MissTrudy]

No perfect suggestions come to mind because it's really not something you should be doing. It's not up to the dumpee to chase after the dumper, and all of that is chasing and manipulative. If you have to come up with a strategy to try to trick them into talking with you/being with you, then you've already lost. If you were to do it, it should be natural with no expectations, just like it was when you first got together. But if you are trying to figure out strategies and trying to manipulate, odds are that it will be a big waste of your time.

 

This is a fair assessment of the strategy I showed, but for clarification this is NOT how I want to go about it (it's someone else's plan I saw from a website about getting your ex back---I think it is from the POV of the dumped, which may be why it's so desperate sounding), and also I DUMPED HIM, and I have no intention of "chasing" him or playing mind games .

 

Right now I could "easily" (it's never hard to send a text..you just might regret it later) and naturally break NC , it would be nature for me since I have so many things to talk to him about that don't even relate to our relationship simply because we built a good friendship and had a lot in common. But since I have feelings for him I KNOW that breaking NC is not good right now. For my sanity though I will have to break NC and see what happens from there...whether it results in getting him back or not. I would love to be with him, but my major goal is to be open to falling in love, a goal which is hindered because I am not over him (just like he wasn't completely over his ex, which is why we broke up, funnily enough). I tell myself that if I see that there is no potential for us after starting contact again, yeah I will feel bad about it, but I will get over it. Right now I feel bad about it because I ended things---which I know was the right decision as I can't and shouldn't try to "fix" people---but I do think he was making progress towards becoming emotionally available and maybe I was just impatient. And I do care about him deeply, we had a strong emotional bond despite him pulling away a bit at times out of fear of screwing things up with me. I don't think I was wrong though and he thinks it was the right decision too, or so he said to me afterwards.

 

But but but BUT I am scared, which is why I can't send a message right now or call, and why I am thinking about what type of message to send when I do feel more comfortable doing it. Which I think will be soon, I am almost ready for it but I want to make sure I have over a month of unperturbed NC before I do anything.

 

I am scared that he hasn't changed and while I think I will be able to get over it quicker once I see that he hasn't changed, what if I can't? This is why some of you are going to say I shouldn't break NC but I know myself better than you all, so please none of that, this is not what this thread in the

"Second Chance" section is about...it is about second chances and how to go about asking for one/deciding whether one is worth it. I have decided that one would be worth it if we're at better places in the future. If we're not at better places I will only find that out if he or I initiates dialogue. I don't want to sit around waiting for him although ideally he'd break NC first. I need to move on and I am trying but it would be so much easier for me if I just see that he really is not ready despite space and time. It's hard for me to believe that he is unworthy of dating me, and the only way I've gotten over exes is to realize that... the quicker I realized that the better. I didn't even mourn one guy who dumped me because I realized he was a sleaze ball just before our relationship ended. This guy isn't sleazy or anything he is just wounded and I need to see that he is a lost cause, if he actually is.

 

So to get back on topic, I haven't figured out how to go about starting a dialogue with him... it isn't like I am going to run into him on the street because we live in different towns and have different social circles... I know, "hey, what's up" isn't good but should I just cut to the chase when I contact him? I feel like I need to ease into things. I just don't want to come off as manipulative though, especially since I dumped him, but if I were to get philosophical about it, dating is a game anyway full of manipulations, some subtle and some blunt, so I guess I have to be willing to either be blunt and tell him what I want right now, or test the waters to see if I still want something after I get a temperature reading. The latter option is the smarter option, but it is also the manipulative option. So how do I go about it with minimal manipulation, and more than a "hey, what's up?"

[Never Again]

If you read most if the info here, the genuine consensus is for a dumpee to stay NC until they're:

 

- healed and don't care what happens (and the advice is usually to stay away even then)

 

- the dumper comes, hat in hand, and asks for a second chance

 

My opinion? Don't text. It's impersonal and sort've gutless. A phone call works. You can just ask him for coffee, but let him know it's his decision. If he presses you to know why you're calling, calmly say that you'd been thinking about the relationship and would like to try again, if he'd be up for it. He seems to acknowledge his part in it already, so you may not need to apologize...but I would apologize for hurting him (if you did, and I'm assuming you did).

[MissTrudy]

If you read most if the info here, the genuine consensus is for a dumpee to stay NC until they're:

 

- healed and don't care what happens (and the advice is usually to stay away even then)

 

- the dumper comes, hat in hand, and asks for a second chance

 

My opinion? Don't text. It's impersonal and sort've gutless. A phone call works. You can just ask him for coffee, but let him know it's his decision. If he presses you to know why you're calling, calmly say that you'd been thinking about the relationship and would like to try again, if he'd be up for it. He seems to acknowledge his part in it already, so you may not need to apologize...but I would apologize for hurting him (if you did, and I'm assuming you did).

 

Hmmm. So as the dumper, I shouldn't expect him to break NC (I'm not really expecting him to, although it would be great)! and I should just lay all of my cards out on the table and admit to making a mistake?

 

If I am understanding you correctly (please correct me if I am wrong), I see where you're coming from. As the dumper I need to show my vulnerabilities if there's a chance for us ever getting back together. But I don't think I made a mistake.

 

You could say I am being prideful or that I am not ready to initiate things if I can't admit to making a mistake, but I don't think breaking up with him was a mistake. He wasn't ready for a relationship and because of that I don't think it was a mistake...I broke up with him because he wasn't able to prioritize me, he apologized for his behavior, and then I wished him well and went NC. I would've been a fool to stand for that. I can apologize for ending things so abruptly and being impatient given the fact that he was always honest with me... in that way I am guilty as charged. Maybe the fact that I can't go to him and apologize to him means I am not ready to try for a second chance, but I can go up to him today and admit that I ended it the wrong way...but I can't say that I shouldn't have ended it. Even though sometimes when I feel low I do feel that way, I know that I deserve better than being second fiddle.

 

We're going to have to talk about that past at some point but do we start with that? Is it unfair to test the waters with conversation not related to that huge elephant in the room?

[Simon Phoenix]

Hmmm. So as the dumper, I shouldn't expect him to break NC (I'm not really expecting him to, although it would be great)! and I should just lay all of my cards out on the table and admit to making a mistake?

 

If I am understanding you correctly (please correct me if I am wrong), I see where you're coming from. As the dumper I need to show my vulnerabilities if there's a chance for us ever getting back together. But I don't think I made a mistake.

 

You could say I am being prideful or that I am not ready to initiate things if I can't admit to making a mistake, but I don't think breaking up with him was a mistake. He wasn't ready for a relationship and because of that I don't think it was a mistake...I broke up with him because he wasn't able to prioritize me, he apologized for his behavior, and then I wished him well and went NC. I would've been a fool to stand for that. I can apologize for ending things so abruptly and being impatient given the fact that he was always honest with me... in that way I am guilty as charged. Maybe the fact that I can't go to him and apologize to him means I am not ready to try for a second chance, but I can go up to him today and admit that I ended it the wrong way...but I can't say that I shouldn't have ended it. Even though sometimes when I feel low I do feel that way, I know that I deserve better than being second fiddle.

 

We're going to have to talk about that past at some point but do we start with that? Is it unfair to test the waters with conversation not related to that huge elephant in the room?

 

If you want to reconcile with him, then you have to go in expecting him to be the exact same person that he was when you broke up with him. It's not fair for you to try to reinitiate this with conditions -- either you are taking him back as is and any positive evolution he's done on his own is candy, or you should leave him alone. If you aren't ready to completely apologize for the breakup, take full responsibility for it and admit that it was a mistake and you shouldn't have done it, then you should leave him be and continue to work on your healing.

 

It's not up to him to change for you, because he didn't initiate the breakup. You are the one who broke it, you need to be the one to fix it if you choose. And that fixing has to come from you realizing that you made a mistake and that you want him back the way he was. If you want him to magically change into something else, stick with your breakup and work toward finding someone who is more compatible. But you can't have your cake and eat it too.

 

Honestly, you need to figure out what you want, whether it be him as he was or someone else who gives you what you want, before you make any move. You seem conflicted. My gut feeling is that you should let sleeping dogs lie. If you don't regret breaking up with him, there's no reason for you to get back with him.

[MissTrudy]

If you want to reconcile with him, then you have to go in expecting him to be the exact same person that he was when you broke up with him. It's not fair for you to try to reinitiate this with conditions -- either you are taking him back as is and any positive evolution he's done on his own is candy, or you should leave him alone. If you aren't ready to completely apologize for the breakup, take full responsibility for it and admit that it was a mistake and you shouldn't have done it, then you should leave him be and continue to work on your healing.

 

It's not up to him to change for you, because he didn't initiate the breakup. You are the one who broke it, you need to be the one to fix it if you choose. And that fixing has to come from you realizing that you made a mistake and that you want him back the way he was. If you want him to magically change into something else, stick with your breakup and work toward finding someone who is more compatible. But you can't have your cake and eat it too.

 

Honestly, you need to figure out what you want, whether it be him as he was or someone else who gives you what you want, before you make any move. You seem conflicted. My gut feeling is that you should let sleeping dogs lie. If you don't regret breaking up with him, there's no reason for you to get back with him.

 

Thank you. This stings, but it rings of truth. Thank you. I needed to hear this. I am conflicted. I don't know how to fix this. I just know that I want him back. I regret breaking up with him, but I think that my reasons were valid. I know that if it's going to get fixed I can't do it on my own, that we both have to work on ourselves. My heart tells me that it's worth gauging the situation, slowly.

[Simon Phoenix]

Thank you. This stings, but it rings of truth. Thank you. I needed to hear this. I am conflicted. I don't know how to fix this. I just know that I want him back. I regret breaking up with him, but I think that my reasons were valid. I know that if it's going to get fixed I can't do it on my own, that we both have to work on ourselves. My heart tells me that it's worth gauging the situation, slowly.

 

If your reasons were valid, then what has changed to make you reconsider? I mean, it's not up to him to "work on himself". Either you take him as he is/was or you don't. He doesn't have to work on this, you do. But before you do any work, you have to identify the true motivations of a) why you broke up with him and b) why you are having second thoughts.

 

I'm not saying you were wrong to break up with him -- it might have been completely justified. However, you would be wrong to try to get him back expecting him to be any different.

[melell]

I would say as the dumper you should get straight to the point if you decided that is what you want. I think a lot of dumpees are really anxious and weary around the dumper, so they may not give you the opportunity to initiate things. Best to put your real reasons for making contact on the table in black and white. They can take it or leave it.

[MissTrudy]

If your reasons were valid, then what has changed to make you reconsider? I mean, it's not up to him to "work on himself". Either you take him as he is/was or you don't. He doesn't have to work on this, you do. But before you do any work, you have to identify the true motivations of a) why you broke up with him and b) why you are having second thoughts.

 

I'm not saying you were wrong to break up with him -- it might have been completely justified. However, you would be wrong to try to get him back expecting him to be any different.

 

I broke up with him because he wasn't over his ex. he was up front with this when it started to become a problem and I thought I was strong enough to work through it. and for a while it was okay. But then he started acting weird and when I confronted him about it he told me that he still thinks about her, that he feels guilty about it, etc. so I ended things. In this case it IS up to him to work on himself...otherwise he's never going to get over her...he doesn't need to do it for me he needs to do it for himself so that he can accept the love that he deserves, whether it's from me or someone else.

 

I am pretty sure I wasn't a rebound, and I don't know how he is going to get over her, but I was willing to be there and help him through it. But it's not something I can do, I realized.

[MissTrudy]

I would say as the dumper you should get straight to the point if you decided that is what you want. I think a lot of dumpees are really anxious and weary around the dumper, so they may not give you the opportunity to initiate things. Best to put your real reasons for making contact on the table in black and white. They can take it or leave it.

 

Thanks. I need to figure out how to state exactly what I want (and figure out exactly what I want, too) and then go from there and communicate that to him.

[Simon Phoenix]

I broke up with him because he wasn't over his ex. he was up front with this when it started to become a problem and I thought I was strong enough to work through it. and for a while it was okay. But then he started acting weird and when I confronted him about it he told me that he still thinks about her, that he feels guilty about it, etc. so I ended things. In this case it IS up to him to work on himself...otherwise he's never going to get over her...he doesn't need to do it for me he needs to do it for himself so that he can accept the love that he deserves, whether it's from me or someone else.

 

I am pretty sure I wasn't a rebound, and I don't know how he is going to get over her, but I was willing to be there and help him through it. But it's not something I can do, I realized.

 

You didnt answer my initial question, so I'm guessing to your knowledge nothing has changed.

 

He doesn't have to get over her and you can't ask him to. Yes, it's probably better for his overall well-being if he does, but he doesn't have to do it if he doesn't want to. But if you do ask him back, you have to be willing to take in the guy who is not over his ex. There's no negotiation on this.

 

If he's gotten over her and wants to dedicate himself totally to you (assuming he wants to get back with you in the first place), then awesome. But you should have no expectations of this. If you do, then it's not a good idea for you to pursue this.

[MissTrudy]

If your reasons were valid, then what has changed to make you reconsider?

I forgot to answer this part in the first reply I made... As for why I am reconsidering, well I feel like I didn't give him a chance to get over her. Maybe he should've been over her before we started dating, but that wasn't the case. Maybe I should've been more understanding and just been firm about slowing things down as we had agreed to do beforehand. But I was scared. I was scared because I was becoming emotionally invested in him just as he seemed to be shutting down. It was like two strikes and then he was out. I feel like he deserves another chance, as he was up front with me and most of the time I did feel like he cared about me and our relationship. But the last time we talked before the break-up, he just sounded so defeated and I couldn't take it anymore, I didn't really know what to say so I just said we should cut our loses. It was a gut reaction but it was not the best way to move forward. I was a bit kurt with him when he broke NC, it was a bit inappropriate on his part, but I might've been a little harsh and when he apologized, I stayed NC, and I requested that he stay NC until he is "less of a mess" (he described himself as a "big mess" that needs to change, not me).

[Simon Phoenix]

I forgot to answer this part in the first reply I made... As for why I am reconsidering, well I feel like I didn't give him a chance to get over her. Maybe he should've been over her before we started dating, but that wasn't the case. Maybe I should've been more understanding and just been firm about slowing things down as we had agreed to do beforehand. But I was scared. I was scared because I was becoming emotionally invested in him just as he seemed to be shutting down. It was like two strikes and then he was out. I feel like he deserves another chance, as he was up front with me and most of the time I did feel like he cared about me and our relationship. But the last time we talked before the break-up, he just sounded so defeated and I couldn't take it anymore, I didn't really know what to say so I just said we should cut our loses. It was a gut reaction but it was not the best way to move forward. I was a bit kurt with him when he broke NC, it was a bit inappropriate on his part, but I might've been a little harsh and when he apologized, I stayed NC, and I requested that he stay NC until he is "less of a mess" (he described himself as a "big mess" that needs to change, not me).

 

Well, I guess it's up to you if you are cool him pining for another woman or having unresolved feelings for her. I would make sure that you actually can and aren't just reacting this way out of loneliness, boredom, lack of other options, etc. But if you do ask him back, he accepts and you find yourself still at odds with his mindset, it's basically a big waste of time for everyone involved.

 

But if you do decide that it's what you want (yes, you want it and accept it unconditionally, not just be willing to tolerate it) then you have to be direct and tell him exactly what you want like melell said. No texting, no passive-aggressive hinting, no throwing breadcrumbs hoping he'll do the dirty work. You need to come over the top and put yourself out there. But I would make extra sure before you take this approach.

Edited February 19, 2014 by Simon Phoenix

[MissTrudy]

Well, I guess it's up to you if you are cool him pining for another woman or having unresolved feelings for her. I would make sure that you actually can and aren't just reacting this way out of loneliness, boredom, lack of other options, etc. But if you do ask him back, he accepts and you find yourself still at odds with his mindset, it's basically a big waste of time for everyone involved.

 

But if you do decide that it's what you want (yes, you want it and accept it unconditionally, not just be willing to tolerate it) then you have to be direct and tell him exactly what you want like melell said. No texting, no passive-aggressive hinting, no throwing breadcrumbs hoping he'll do the dirty work. You need to come over the top and put yourself out there. But I would make extra sure before you take this approach.

 

I can accept it... but I don't know if it is unconditional. The only condition I have if we were to try for a second chance is that we slow down as we had planned on doing before we broke up. Is that an unreasonable condition?

 

I have other options in men that I've refused, and I am busy with a lot of things, so I don't have any time to be bored... I am a little lonely but I could easily remedy that by dating around, but I don't want that. I want him. I saw a lot in him that I don't see in guys around here, and I live in a city where the odds are in my favor so there's no shortage of men. But I haven't clicked with anyone like I've clicked with him, that's why this is so hard. But maybe he doesn't feel the same about me, sometimes I wonder about that because if he did wouldn't he have tried harder to mask his feelings about his ex? I am not saying I am a miracle worker and meeting me would've/should've solved his issues, I do internalize the fact that he couldn't get over her as there being something wrong with me, that despite how close we got and how much we opened up to each other about some serious and private things, I am not enough for him.

[Simon Phoenix]

I can accept it... but I don't know if it is unconditional. The only condition I have if we were to try for a second chance is that we slow down as we had planned on doing before we broke up. Is that an unreasonable condition?

 

Yes. Since you broke up with him, it is inappropriate for you to put conditions, caveats, demands, anything. If that happens naturally in the course of everything, or if he suggests it himself, then cool, but no, you shouldn't be dictating any terms of the reconciliation. You lost that right when you broke up with him.

[Never Again]

Yes. Since you broke up with him, it is inappropriate for you to put conditions, caveats, demands, anything. If that happens naturally in the course of everything, or if he suggests it himself, then cool, but no, you shouldn't be dictating any terms of the reconciliation. You lost that right when you broke up with him.

 

I'll differ a little from this.

 

You cannot put conditions on the reconciliation itself. However, if he accepts, then the relationship that follows CAN be guided and CAN be slower.

 

But what the relationship could be like is not something you should discuss until you're back together. Until then, you can't put anything out there except your desire to try again.

[Simon Phoenix]

I'll differ a little from this.

 

You cannot put conditions on the reconciliation itself. However, if he accepts, then the relationship that follows CAN be guided and CAN be slower.

 

But what the relationship could be like is not something you should discuss until you're back together. Until then, you can't put anything out there except your desire to try again.

 

I covered that when I said if it occurs naturally. But she can not go "I want you back if you do this". No ifs can be involved -- she has to be willing to take back the exact same guy that she broke up with.