How to remove the anger and tension

[dreamcatcher975]

How do you remove yourself from the anger/hurt/ and tension that's brewing in the home?? Everytime i interact with my husband i feel myself just tense up and an argument insues (as much as i don't want to it seems like it always turns into one). Rather than expressing my thoughts i either clam up or i explode. I hate that i do it and i'm slowly catching myself do this but my h's back talk really gets to me and the things he says. Any advice on how to take control of it?

[RightThere]

Make sure you always let them get the last word. Let yourself have the last word in your head, but don't vocalize getting the last word in.

 

That's how most arguments escalate so let the baby have his bottle and keep allowing them to have the last word.

 

Best advice outside of not interacting with them.

[dreamcatcher975]

Make sure you always let them get the last word. Let yourself have the last word in your head, but don't vocalize getting the last word in.

 

That's how most arguments escalate so let the baby have his bottle and keep allowing them to have the last word.

 

Best advice outside of not interacting with them.

 

My h loves to always have the last word. I need to learn to walk away from that. It's those little comments that always get to me. He always has those little unnecessary comments that set me off and once i'm there i can't seem to stop and say.. "this is why we can't communicate"

 

I ask him to stop or why he does it but he always has to throw some sarcastic comment in that sets my temper flying to the moon! and we just go back and forth back and forth and i know that this is going against me because it's only giving him more reasons as far as y the divorce is a "good choice"

 

However at the same time i do want to have more positive interactions with him. But whenever he's home i'm either clammed up and don't want to say anything or we do talk and it turns into a back and forth thing. It's like were constantly going around in circles when we communicate and i want it to stop but don't know how.

 

I know i can't change how he communicates but I can change how i communicate. 1) let him have the last word -- check!

[RightThere]

I guess the only other thing I can suggest is don't focus on what he's not doing or being critical of him when you talk. Only talk about what you're going to do.

 

That is the other way arguments happen and go around in circles. People spend all their time talking about the faults of the other person, what the other person isn't doing, and then you just rehash defending yourself and then pointing out their flaws.

 

Avoid talking about him or what he's doing/not doing. Only talk about yourself and what you're doing. It will be hard because I'm sure he'll keep firing at you about your faults, what you didn't do, but don't engage.

[Tripz]

I wish I could take my own advice in my own situation, but it's too late for that, since she's not talking about any of this mess anymore. However, I was like your husband, always wanting to keep getting the last word in. I found that I did it because I wasn't listening to what she was saying, only what I wanted her to hear. There were times, that I did take the following advice and it did seem to work out better.

 

Instead of trying to let the other person know how you feel, put yourself into an "asking" mode. Ask them how they feel about everything and then let them talk. Listen to them and don't concern yourself, in that moment, to correct their way of thinking, even if they are completely out in left field. Ecourage them to continue to talk by saying things like, "I hear what you are saying and I'm listening". You can totally not agree with them, but in the moment is not the time to say or do anything about it. Come back later and say, "I thought a lot about what you said, but on this point or that point, I just don't understand". Depending upon the response, you might say, "Is it okay if I tell you why I disagree?" Let them feel like they have an open door instead of a wall they are talking to.

 

I don't know if this is doable in your case, but in arguments I've had with my wife, I usually get to the point of wanting to verbally abuse her or throw something. I had to learn to "argue" in more of a debate or even not at all, mode. I wished I had figured out other communication skills or I wouldn't even be on this site!

[TheBladeRunner]

How do you remove yourself from the anger/hurt/ and tension that's brewing in the home?? Everytime i interact with my husband i feel myself just tense up and an argument insues (as much as i don't want to it seems like it always turns into one). Rather than expressing my thoughts i either clam up or i explode. I hate that i do it and i'm slowly catching myself do this but my h's back talk really gets to me and the things he says. Any advice on how to take control of it?

 

NEVER EVER ALLOW YOURSELF TO GET ANGRY! This is what I tell myself every time I deal with the XW now as well as in the past. Even when you know you are right, always keep your cool; in the end I feel it makes me look like the better person and to be honest it will get their nose out of joint more.

 

Just recently the XW was here at the house and she was not only disrespectful, but she was being nasty to boot, all in front of my daughter. Rather than lose it, I never stopped smiling and politely asked her to leave. I had to ask 3 times, but she finally left. I have had issues when picking up my child at her place where she is nasty and in that case I grab my daughter and just walk away.

 

Just don't engage in a battle you'll never win......even when you are right.......

.

[dreamcatcher975]

What happened today really got to me. I'm not proud of how i felt the NEED for him to understand me.. but it's all the pent up frustration inside. I want to talk to him about things but it feels like it's never a good time.

 

Thank you,everyone for your advice -- Let him have the last word, NEVER EVER get angry, Talk in a debate mode, talk about what i'm doing vs. what he's doing.

 

I look back and i feel like i could've totally used ^^ the advice earlier today and had a better conversation rather than "you are so….." replies. If i could have a do-over i would. I would be able to approach things better and perhaps say things to where it'll throw him for a loop vs. having the ability to say "see, you're still the same" Sometimes i think he just sets up the situations so he has the ability to say "You're still the same."

 

I know i messed up today and i am definitely not proud of it. UGH.

[TheBladeRunner]

What happened today really got to me. I'm not proud of how i felt the NEED for him to understand me.. but it's all the pent up frustration inside. I want to talk to him about things but it feels like it's never a good time.

 

Thank you,everyone for your advice -- Let him have the last word, NEVER EVER get angry, Talk in a debate mode, talk about what i'm doing vs. what he's doing.

 

I look back and i feel like i could've totally used ^^ the advice earlier today and had a better conversation rather than "you are so….." replies. If i could have a do-over i would. I would be able to approach things better and perhaps say things to where it'll throw him for a loop vs. having the ability to say "see, you're still the same" Sometimes i think he just sets up the situations so he has the ability to say "You're still the same."

 

I know i messed up today and i am definitely not proud of it. UGH.

 

I so get this (bold)! It was never a good time when we were married and it's certainly never a good time now. Sorry to hear you deal w/ the same garbage.

[dreamcatcher975]

I so get this (bold)! It was never a good time when we were married and it's certainly never a good time now. Sorry to hear you deal w/ the same garbage.

 

It is not fun. But today i remembered something my IC told me (and i wish i had it on hand to look at for times like today) but it came to me too late.

 

Focus on connecting rather than problem solving. Problem solving can come later.

 

I was def on problem solving mode.

[Tripz]

I'm finding that "connecting" instead of problem solving, is actually starting to work with my STBXW. I can see some of her walls dropping on some issues. I think it's also an issue of trust that needs rebuilding. I envy naturally good communicators.

[dreamcatcher975]

I'm finding that "connecting" instead of problem solving, is actually starting to work with my STBXW. I can see some of her walls dropping on some issues.

 

What are some of the ways you are connecting with your wife? I wanted to get some ideas. I'm stuck in that department. Other than cooking his favorite meals, i'm not quite sure how i can connect with him without it looking forced. Got any ideas??... how could a wife connect with her H?

 

I think it's also an issue of trust that needs rebuilding.

I agree. I know my H doesn't trust our relationship since the separation. That's what i'm trying to build on and i'm so confused and thrown off by this D thing.. that i'm not quite sure where to step. I think "Connecting" would help us build more trust.

[Scott0310]

dream, I wish as your opposite here, that I could give you an answer on how to get him to connect, just as I am trying to find a way to get my wife to connect with me.

 

Try being friends perhaps, ask him to try being friends again instead of husband and wife, sometimes that helps. Sometimes when my wife and I would be at a disagreement, we would sit down and talk, just as friends, but speak about each other to each other as though we werent who we were, does that make sense? She would talk about me to me as her friend, not husband, and I would do the same, I would tell her what my wife is doing to make me mad, but I would be telling her as a normal friend, often this worked for us and we could work it out.

 

We tried that with our separation for the past few weeks, and I thought for the most part it was working, we were being friendly with each other, spending time together. She even started to allow me to rub her back again (something we both enjoy). Of course this all came crashing down last weekend over dinner because of a remark I made which was said and taken the wrong way. Now I'm almost back to square one, only this time I'm scared I've lost her for good.

 

Maybe let him make the next move, I know that sounds hard but thats what I'm doing, even if I have to be alone and drown myself in my own tears. Let him be alone but offer your friendship and then stand back and see what happens?

[dreamcatcher975]

dream, I wish as your opposite here, that I could give you an answer on how to get him to connect, just as I am trying to find a way to get my wife to connect with me.

 

Try being friends perhaps, ask him to try being friends again instead of husband and wife, sometimes that helps. Sometimes when my wife and I would be at a disagreement, we would sit down and talk, just as friends, but speak about each other to each other as though we werent who we were, does that make sense? She would talk about me to me as her friend, not husband, and I would do the same, I would tell her what my wife is doing to make me mad, but I would be telling her as a normal friend, often this worked for us and we could work it out.

 

We tried that with our separation for the past few weeks, and I thought for the most part it was working, we were being friendly with each other, spending time together. She even started to allow me to rub her back again (something we both enjoy). Of course this all came crashing down last weekend over dinner because of a remark I made which was said and taken the wrong way. Now I'm almost back to square one, only this time I'm scared I've lost her for good.

 

Maybe let him make the next move, I know that sounds hard but thats what I'm doing, even if I have to be alone and drown myself in my own tears. Let him be alone but offer your friendship and then stand back and see what happens?

 

Thanks for reading scott... Im trying to remain "friends" with my H.. on the weekends things are good, we can go out have lunch/dinner, roam the malls, sometimes watch a movie. Infact, i think things are going good on the weekends. Then.. the weekend, ends and it's like we're back at square 1 being strangers.

[Scott0310]

Things are actually pretty similar at my place. Although I'm starting to second think the friends thing. I'm afraid by being friends its not giving her her space. Living under the same house makes it hard for her to "miss" me and the constant interaction. We recently started sleeping in the same bed again, no real reason, just did. Found out yesterday that sometimes it makes her feel awkward and I guess while I'm sleeping sometimes I cuddle up. Info she has kept to herself for a few weeks which is usually why we argue, she wont tellme these things until sometimes its too late. I'm back to living on the couch and I think I'll be moving out here within the week, I need her to miss me and the stuff I bring to the relationship...which includes not being friends; all of which will kill me.