it's (really and truly) over

[Waverly]

Background: I had a brief affair with a friend. It's long over, but we stayed in intermittent contact. Last week, we finally decided it was better for both of us to go NC. He broke it, and it's messing me up.

 

More background: He is an alcoholic who had been sober for the last five years. In the aftermath of all of this, he started drinking again. He emailed me the other night with some inane message and then mentioned that he was drunk. In the last two days, he's had it out with his wife (there was no D-day), showed up drunk to work, his parents had to help him sober up and get rid of everything, and now he's going to AA today.

 

I.... don't know what to do with any of this. He's not asking me for help, he's not trying to restart the A. He's just telling me, as a friend. And so now I'm sitting here worrying about him, and it's bringing back all these feelings that I've been trying really hard to work through and move past.

 

I'm not even sure that I have a specific question. I know I should go back to NC, but I also feel this need to know that he's going to be ok.

[Dog Woman]

Background: I had a brief affair with a friend. It's long over, but we stayed in intermittent contact. Last week, we finally decided it was better for both of us to go NC. He broke it, and it's messing me up.

 

More background: He is an alcoholic who had been sober for the last five years. In the aftermath of all of this, he started drinking again. He emailed me the other night with some inane message and then mentioned that he was drunk. In the last two days, he's had it out with his wife (there was no D-day), showed up drunk to work, his parents had to help him sober up and get rid of everything, and now he's going to AA today.

 

I.... don't know what to do with any of this. He's not asking me for help, he's not trying to restart the A. He's just telling me, as a friend. And so now I'm sitting here worrying about him, and it's bringing back all these feelings that I've been trying really hard to work through and move past.

 

I'm not even sure that I have a specific question. I know I should go back to NC, but I also feel this need to know that he's going to be ok.

 

It sounds like he has his parents that can support and help him so he's not on his own. He has a wife too. As for contacting you, your exMM could be trying to reel you back in at the same time and see if you are still interested. For your own sake and to protect yourself you must go back to NC and maintain it. Its hard, I know, to do that with someone you once cared for, but he's not your problem now, let others look after him.

[Quiet Storm]

If you really want to be his friend, go no contact with him. His life is a mess and you will only complicate things. A friend would have his best interests at heart.

 

You are an escape for him. He needs to face his issues, and learn to cope without booze or an affair. He is looking to alcohol and you for comfort, but he needs to face his problems. He needs to handle his life. Being drunk at work? He would not be a good partner for you, even if he left her. Be glad he is not your problem. Think of BW and how it would feel if your husband was falling apart like this.

 

If he is serious about AA, he won't contact you. Tell him its best for both of you if you don't talk.

[Waverly]

Thanks for the replies. You're both right; I know I need to go back to NC. I can't help him right now, and it's not my place to even try.

 

I just worry. We have no friends in common, and he lives halfway across the country from me. If something happens to him, I'll never know. (He's not even on any social media, so it's not like I could ever check up that way.) I know that that's, you know, the point of NC, but I just don't know how to stop worrying.

 

To top it off, I feel incredibly guilty. I know he's in control of his own life and his own decisions, but before we started our A, his life was fine. He was sober, he was more or less happily married. I obviously didn't do this by myself, but I can't help but feel awful that, as a direct result of what we did, he's now spiraling out of control.

 

Not my problem though... right?

[Dog Woman]

Thanks for the replies. You're both right; I know I need to go back to NC. I can't help him right now, and it's not my place to even try.

 

I just worry. We have no friends in common, and he lives halfway across the country from me. If something happens to him, I'll never know. (He's not even on any social media, so it's not like I could ever check up that way.) I know that that's, you know, the point of NC, but I just don't know how to stop worrying.

 

To top it off, I feel incredibly guilty. I know he's in control of his own life and his own decisions, but before we started our A, his life was fine. He was sober, he was more or less happily married. I obviously didn't do this by myself, but I can't help but feel awful that, as a direct result of what we did, he's now spiraling out of control.

 

Not my problem though... right?

 

Right. Not your problem and please do not feel guilty for what is happening to him now. He is in charge of his own life, no one else. You did not make him drink. If he's having to resort to AA for help then he has a serious problem with alcohol. For all you know he's probably always had a weakness with drink and maybe during the A he was on the wagon. On the surface he may have been happy in his marriage but you don't know what goes on behind closed doors. There was a reason for him starting an affair. He is in no position at the moment to have a relationship and to deal with his alcohol problem. The best thing you can do is be a friend and let him go.

[Waverly]

Dog Woman, thank you for being a non-judgmental voice of reason. I really mean that; I appreciate your taking the time to reply.

 

We'd been platonic friends for almost a decade before the affair. He had a terrible time drinking about five years ago and ended up in rehab. Since then, he's been clean and sober, gotten married, and had kids. I know I didn't act alone, but I feel like I ruined all of that for him. He was totally sober during the A; it's only been since the end of it that he's fallen apart.

 

Anyway, yes, we need to go back to NC. I do know that, but I admit that there is a not insignificant part of me that hopes we can somehow regain our friendship one day. He's always been so important to me, in one way or another, and I'm so sad to think that I ruined that.

[Waverly]

It's actually been over for months, but it's dragged out. It ended because it couldn't go any further. We can't move, we can't leave our kids, we can't go back ten years and do this right. And I've been the irrational one this whole time, blaming him for that all being true. But it is true, and I can't change it.

 

We went NC a few weeks ago, and he broke it, and now he wants it again, for real. He's trying to "fix his life". I'm not arguing; I know he's right. What choice is there? But somehow, as long as we were still "friends", as long as he was still in my life - as painful as that was - it felt ok. It felt like I had done all of this for a real reason. Now I just feel like an idiot. I ruined my life for someone who I won't even ever talk to again. I know that's not totally logical, but it's how it feels right now.

 

I know I need to deal with my own life, and my own marriage, and how badly I've screwed that all up. And I will. But please don't talk to me right now about telling my husband. I can't even see my way through the next hour right now. I'm such an idiot. I'm such an idiot.

 

Please tell me I'm going to be ok again.

[littlemermaid]

I'm sorry you are hurting so much right now. It's going to be okay, I promise. Time will help as it helps us all. I'm so sorry, so sorry.

[ladydesigner]

(((Waverly))) You will be okay. It will take time to get over this. You knew your MM for a long time, give yourself time to grieve. Definitely get yourself into some IC so you can talk to someone about it and process your emotions. Keep busy and try to focus on yourself and new things that may interest you. Surround yourself with friends and family.

[Waverly]

Thanks for the replies. This obviously isn't something I can talk to friends or family about, so support here means a lot.

 

It's still going on. It just drags out every time. We only talk over email at this point, but it's still going on. He sent me a long message yesterday saying how his defense mechanisms are up, and that talking to me is too painful. If it can't work, he has to try and move on. I'm not stopping him, but every time we stop talking, I feel worse -- like I destroyed my life for nothing. And then he wrote later that he still thinks about us all the time, that it's just the kids/distance, that there's nothing that can be done, but that his feelings haven't changed, that his biggest regret is not doing this right a decade ago.

 

I don't know. On the one hand, it makes me feel better to hear things like that -- it sort of weirdly validates the decisions I made to do this, if he's struggling too. But it also just increases the pain of it all, to know that this is something we both still want and can't do anything about it. Writing everything out that he said made it sound like a typical MM excuse/lies. But I really do believe it, for whatever that says about me. We're trapped thousands of miles away from each other, and there's no way we could inflict the pain on our kids/families that would be necessary to make this happen.

 

Logic is not my strong suit these days...

[Owl]

You need to go full NC with him...the trickle limited contact you're in now isn't helping.

 

GO NC. Grieve over the end of the relationship.

 

And you WILL be OK. Really. You'll live, you'll learn, you'll cope, and you'll find other joys in your life.

[Waverly]

You need to go full NC with him...the trickle limited contact you're in now isn't helping.

 

GO NC. Grieve over the end of the relationship.

 

And you WILL be OK. Really. You'll live, you'll learn, you'll cope, and you'll find other joys in your life.

 

Thanks, Owl. I know you're right. Like I said, I'm struggling to be rational about any of this right now. I can't help repeating this twisted logic in my head that says that if we go NC, it all meant nothing, that I lost everything over someone who doesn't even want to talk to me.

[Ruffian1]

I feel worse -- like I destroyed my life for nothing.

 

How is your life destroyed??

 

Your H and kids know nothing about OM, right?

 

Your life is not destroyed.

[Waverly]

How is your life destroyed??

 

Your H and kids know nothing about OM, right?

 

Your life is not destroyed.

 

(I admit I'm being a bit melodramatic at the moment.) No, my husband and kids know nothing about the OM.

 

Here are my possible outcomes right now, as I'm seeing it:

 

1) I stay and confess and risk my husband leaving. I know this is the right thing to do; part of the reason I hesitate so much is because I feel like I can't make the right kind of confession right now. I can't say how sorry I was and that it didn't mean anything. I am sorry, incredibly so, but I also know that it actually meant a lot, and it ended because it had to end, not because I really wanted it to. That's not what I want to be able to tell my husband.

 

2) I stay and never say a word. In addition to the prospect that he would find out someday anyhow (I don't know how; I have no emails, texts, anything; he's never met the OM; and we have no friends in common, but I know that nobody expects to get caught, so who knows?), I also have this secret hanging over my head for the rest of my life.

 

3) I confess and leave. I lose my husband (who I do love, despite what I did to him), I break up my kids' family, and I have to live with that guilt.

 

I'd love to hear if there's an option four...

[littlemermaid]

(I admit I'm being a bit melodramatic at the moment.) No, my husband and kids know nothing about the OM.

 

Here are my possible outcomes right now, as I'm seeing it:

 

1) I stay and confess and risk my husband leaving. I know this is the right thing to do; part of the reason I hesitate so much is because I feel like I can't make the right kind of confession right now. I can't say how sorry I was and that it didn't mean anything. I am sorry, incredibly so, but I also know that it actually meant a lot, and it ended because it had to end, not because I really wanted it to. That's not what I want to be able to tell my husband.

 

2) I stay and never say a word. In addition to the prospect that he would find out someday anyhow (I don't know how; I have no emails, texts, anything; he's never met the OM; and we have no friends in common, but I know that nobody expects to get caught, so who knows?), I also have this secret hanging over my head for the rest of my life.

 

3) I confess and leave. I lose my husband (who I do love, despite what I did to him), I break up my kids' family, and I have to live with that guilt.

 

I'd love to hear if there's an option four...

 

oh Waverly. I know how you feel. although my A wasn't long, and I don't know if it's over, I have wondered these same things, it was a long time coming, but it didn't HAVE to happen...he opened the box and I went with it and what I have struggled the most with is WHY did we do it, for what, because I feel like we ruined our friendship, ruined my friendship with his wife, and ruined something inside of me...and for what? So I also have my days and nights that I just say, why, why, why? and I wish I could say it to him. But I guess ultimately the WHY doesn't matter, we did it, and we can't change that. I have the same options as you, and sometimes I feel that I can't live a fake life by staying and never saying a word, which would be "easiest." But I have a strong desire to protect my MOM...and he is moving away at the end of the summer. So I have decided to try to commit myself to my marriage the best I can for now, NC with MOM, and then once he is gone from here, if I still feel the desire to confess, then I will, and at least that way it can't destroy MOM's family. My H might confront him if he were still here, but I doubt he will bother once he is gone. Anyway, that's a bunch of my personal blabber to say, go NC, and just give yourself the gift of TIME. Nothing has to be decided from your possible options right now. Just give yourself some time and distance from your MOM and reevaluate later. Maybe even set a date 2 months from now or something and tell yourself you don't have to think about anything til then.

[not-so-sure]

(I admit I'm being a bit melodramatic at the moment.) No, my husband and kids know nothing about the OM.

 

Here are my possible outcomes right now, as I'm seeing it:

 

1) I stay and confess and risk my husband leaving. I know this is the right thing to do; part of the reason I hesitate so much is because I feel like I can't make the right kind of confession right now. I can't say how sorry I was and that it didn't mean anything. I am sorry, incredibly so, but I also know that it actually meant a lot, and it ended because it had to end, not because I really wanted it to. That's not what I want to be able to tell my husband.

 

2) I stay and never say a word. In addition to the prospect that he would find out someday anyhow (I don't know how; I have no emails, texts, anything; he's never met the OM; and we have no friends in common, but I know that nobody expects to get caught, so who knows?), I also have this secret hanging over my head for the rest of my life.

 

3) I confess and leave. I lose my husband (who I do love, despite what I did to him), I break up my kids' family, and I have to live with that guilt.

 

I'd love to hear if there's an option four...

 

Go NC. And wait. Sooner or later option you'll shake your head for ever considering 3.

 

I found 2 too much to handle. The secret interfered with everything. Cheater was imprinted in every thought. It still is, but at least my wife knows why I behave the way I do sometimes.

 

Give yourself some time to grieve. Live in the moment. Eventually being past that affair will give you the right perspective should you decide to confess. Bad news doesn't get better with age.

[Waverly]

oh Waverly. I know how you feel. although my A wasn't long, and I don't know if it's over, I have wondered these same things, it was a long time coming, but it didn't HAVE to happen...he opened the box and I went with it and what I have struggled the most with is WHY did we do it, for what, because I feel like we ruined our friendship, ruined my friendship with his wife, and ruined something inside of me...and for what? So I also have my days and nights that I just say, why, why, why? and I wish I could say it to him. But I guess ultimately the WHY doesn't matter, we did it, and we can't change that. I have the same options as you, and sometimes I feel that I can't live a fake life by staying and never saying a word, which would be "easiest." But I have a strong desire to protect my MOM...and he is moving away at the end of the summer. So I have decided to try to commit myself to my marriage the best I can for now, NC with MOM, and then once he is gone from here, if I still feel the desire to confess, then I will, and at least that way it can't destroy MOM's family. My H might confront him if he were still here, but I doubt he will bother once he is gone. Anyway, that's a bunch of my personal blabber to say, go NC, and just give yourself the gift of TIME. Nothing has to be decided from your possible options right now. Just give yourself some time and distance from your MOM and reevaluate later. Maybe even set a date 2 months from now or something and tell yourself you don't have to think about anything til then.

 

Those are exactly the same questions I'm asking myself. I ruined a friendship, I may have ruined two marriages, two families, I've completely ruined something inside of me as well... and for what? But you're right: it doesn't really matter at this point.

 

I'm not in a good spot to confess right now. I'm just not. I like your idea of giving it some time. There's a not-small part of me right now that feels like I should just leave. Like, I screwed this all up so badly, I should just go. It's a fake marriage at this point, whether my husband knows it or not. But I know my emotions are still running really high at the moment.

[Waverly]

Go NC. And wait. Sooner or later option you'll shake your head for ever considering 3.

 

I found 2 too much to handle. The secret interfered with everything. Cheater was imprinted in every thought. It still is, but at least my wife knows why I behave the way I do sometimes.

 

Give yourself some time to grieve. Live in the moment. Eventually being past that affair will give you the right perspective should you decide to confess. Bad news doesn't get better with age.

 

Thanks. I hope you're right about option 3 eventually getting out of my head.

 

The thought of 2 stresses me out. I'm already doing what you described: every nice moment we have, I suddenly snap back and think "I cheated on you". I can't imagine that will ever go away.

 

I know I need to give this time. I'm just so mixed up right now.

[jwi71]

 

1) I stay and confess and risk my husband leaving. I know this is the right thing to do; part of the reason I hesitate so much is because I feel like I can't make the right kind of confession right now. I can't say how sorry I was and that it didn't mean anything. I am sorry, incredibly so, but I also know that it actually meant a lot, and it ended because it had to end, not because I really wanted it to. That's not what I want to be able to tell my husband.

 

You won't move forward...or at least not as fast...if you don't understand WHY you felt an A would solve <whatever> is (wrong/missing/unfulfilled/broken) inside of you that led to an A in the first place. Sweeping this under the rug and softly sighing (oh well, it wasn't meant to be) does little for you, your M, your kids or your H. You, and everyone involved, deserve happiness...and you aren't. Got to find YOUR path to getting there. First step...what began all this?

 

2) I stay and never say a word. In addition to the prospect that he would find out someday anyhow (I don't know how; I have no emails, texts, anything; he's never met the OM; and we have no friends in common, but I know that nobody expects to get caught, so who knows?), I also have this secret hanging over my head for the rest of my life.

 

Secrets are the damnedest things - serving as insulators between you and a healthy M (or any R really). How can you truly reconnect, truly be intimate...with this between you...always some part of YOU held back. Not fair to anyone...certainly not you. And the best way to begin to connect is to talk...openly and honestly. I trust you see the problem secrets now pose...

 

3) I confess and leave. I lose my husband (who I do love, despite what I did to him), I break up my kids' family, and I have to live with that guilt.

 

Maybe. Maybe not. No one knows. Not even your H.

Before walking that road though...grieve and begin working on YOU. IC can help. And maybe...down the road...you might have the strength to start MC...and there (not in IC)...confess.

 

And maybe you reconnect.

Or he leaves.

Or YOU leave.

 

No one knows. And look, I D my xWW. Not specifically because she cheated...but because she never did ANYTHING to rebuild trust. Point being...the A itself isn't necessarily the end...its WHAT you DO or DON'T do that determines, imo, if D comes or not.

 

I'd love to hear if there's an option four...

 

Nope. Stay or go. Tell or not. Pretty much it.

[Dog Woman]

Dog Woman, thank you for being a non-judgmental voice of reason. I really mean that; I appreciate your taking the time to reply.

 

We'd been platonic friends for almost a decade before the affair. He had a terrible time drinking about five years ago and ended up in rehab. Since then, he's been clean and sober, gotten married, and had kids. I know I didn't act alone, but I feel like I ruined all of that for him. He was totally sober during the A; it's only been since the end of it that he's fallen apart.

 

Anyway, yes, we need to go back to NC. I do know that, but I admit that there is a not insignificant part of me that hopes we can somehow regain our friendship one day. He's always been so important to me, in one way or another, and I'm so sad to think that I ruined that.

 

Ah, I didn't realise you had been platonic friends before the affair. I have reread your posts - it sounds like by contacting you and telling you he was drunk, it was his parting shot and in the process is making you feel guilty for ending the affair. He is not being a friend to you. If he were a friend then he would have let you go and respected your wish for NC.

 

You both played a part in the affair and you both crossed the line and your relationship previous to the affair would never be the same again. Try to look at things from a different perspective and forget that he has started drinking again. It is impossible to go back to just being platonic friends after an affair, even if it were what you both wanted to do - there is just too much temptation to restart an affair again. I understand your concern for him and why you would hope you could be friends again in the future.

 

Letting go of someone that was important to you in your life is easier said than done. I wish I hadn't crossed the line with my exMM. We were friends to begin with then everything went pear shaped after we began an affair. It ruined what was a good friendship. The problem I have is that my exMM won't let go of me. He sent me a Valentines card and a lengthy letter where he has poured his heart out and asked if he can see me to talk things through. This is despite me blocking his mobile number, blocking him from social media etc and ignoring him when I have seen him on occasions lately.

 

I'm like you in some respects and that i quietly hope we can just be friends but from past experience, I know he will want more than that. I haven't done anything about his card and letter yet. I'm still deciding if I should get in touch with him or not. For you, going NC is the best thing for you at the moment and give yourself a chance to heal and don't worry what may or may not happen in the future.

[Ruffian1]

I've completely ruined something inside of me as well..

Could you elaborate on this?

 

Exactly what inside is ruined?

[Fluttershy]

I am sorry. Going NC is the right descision though not easy. It will get easier. And as to life getting better that is up to you.

 

My advice is to do the IC post haste. If you deal with your issues, grieve, clear your head, educate yourself before confessing It can make all the difference in the world. You will be strong and able to deal with the damage better than while you are going through your own breakup. Obviously if you do decide to confess I wouldn't wait years. That has a really really bad outcome. If your IC suggests to you not to tell dump and get a new one. I mean you are already torn apart and showin indication that you are not the type of person who can carry this for your life. Alone.

 

If you feel you are ready to confess and have decided that is what you want head to the infidelity section and ask for help on how. If you feel anyone is attacking you or draggin you down just block. There are people who support reconciliation and don't think you are a lost cause.

 

If you find you aren't able to end this and keep goin in circles you may have to confess. That has a good way of Stopping destructive cycles.

[not-so-sure]

Thanks. I hope you're right about option 3 eventually getting out of my head.

 

The thought of 2 stresses me out. I'm already doing what you described: every nice moment we have, I suddenly snap back and think "I cheated on you". I can't imagine that will ever go away.

 

I know I need to give this time. I'm just so mixed up right now.

 

Honestly, though, I can't tell you whether you'll recapture your love for your husband. I would hope for you and for your kids' sake that the energy you put into your relationship with your AP was what was making your love fade for your husband. In my case, although I was dissatisfied with my life, I don't think I can really say I fell out of love with my wife. It just happened that a new shiny thing came along, and I went far too deep emotionally into that.

 

In that context, the idea of leaving my "unhappy" marriage and sharing my kids' time eventually became a ridiculous thought. Even though logically it made sense even at the time my AP and I stopped seeing each other, it only became an emotional reality after I had cut off all contact with the AP.

 

Right now, you're a mess. The drug is gone and you're groping for reasons it shouldn't be over. To be honest, I'm not fully there yet, myself, but each day gets a little easier. It's been about 10 months for me.

 

One of your earlier posts is spot on. This experience has and will change your life forever. Things will never be the same. You will have to set a new baseline.

[Waverly]

You won't move forward...or at least not as fast...if you don't understand WHY you felt an A would solve <whatever> is (wrong/missing/unfulfilled/broken) inside of you that led to an A in the first place. Sweeping this under the rug and softly sighing (oh well, it wasn't meant to be) does little for you, your M, your kids or your H. You, and everyone involved, deserve happiness...and you aren't. Got to find YOUR path to getting there. First step...what began all this?

 

Secrets are the damnedest things - serving as insulators between you and a healthy M (or any R really). How can you truly reconnect, truly be intimate...with this between you...always some part of YOU held back. Not fair to anyone...certainly not you. And the best way to begin to connect is to talk...openly and honestly. I trust you see the problem secrets now pose...

 

Maybe. Maybe not. No one knows. Not even your H.

Before walking that road though...grieve and begin working on YOU. IC can help. And maybe...down the road...you might have the strength to start MC...and there (not in IC)...confess.

 

And maybe you reconnect.

Or he leaves.

Or YOU leave.

 

No one knows. And look, I D my xWW. Not specifically because she cheated...but because she never did ANYTHING to rebuild trust. Point being...the A itself isn't necessarily the end...its WHAT you DO or DON'T do that determines, imo, if D comes or not.

 

Nope. Stay or go. Tell or not. Pretty much it.

 

 

I wish I had a good answer as to what began all of it. I have lots of excuses, but I know nothing really justifies it. My H and I are really good friends. I'm not revising history here by saying this, but one of our struggles that we've had for years is that I often view him as a friend and not as a romantic partner. When the A started, we were going through a rough time, with some stressful things going on, and I was feeling resentful towards him for a lot of reasons. Again, I'm not saying that that justifies the A at all, but it definitely made me more vulnerable to it. As to what's wrong/broken/missing inside of me that led me to choose to do this... I don't know.

 

I was in IC for a while in the midst of all of this, and still go intermittently. I'm not sure my counselor is the best fit for me, but she did say something that stuck with me, which is that "secrets are toxic". And yes... I see it. This is eating away at me.

[Waverly]

Could you elaborate on this?

 

Exactly what inside is ruined?

 

Again, I admit I'm being a bit dramatic. But I guess I mean that I really hate myself for doing this. It's not who I want to be. Knowing that I was capable of this, that I did this, is really tough to live with. And no matter what happens -- whether I confess, we reconcile, we don't, I leave, he leaves, whatever -- I'll know forever that I did this.