it's (really and truly) over

[whichwayisup]

Again, I admit I'm being a bit dramatic. But I guess I mean that I really hate myself for doing this. It's not who I want to be. Knowing that I was capable of this, that I did this, is really tough to live with. And no matter what happens -- whether I confess, we reconcile, we don't, I leave, he leaves, whatever -- I'll know forever that I did this.

 

Eventually you'll need to forgive yourself. I hope your therapist works with you on that. And just to add, if you feel this therapist isn't a great fit, look for someone else that you connect with, can trust and feel totally comfortable around. You are paying her/him to help you!

[Popsicle]

You didn't ruin your life. People come and go sometimes in life. You just need to refocus.

[Ruffian1]

Again, I admit I'm being a bit dramatic

 

No, I don't think you are being dramatic. You are saying what you are feeling. I guess I am trying to understand exactly what you meant.

It is good that you feel this, a lot of people do not. And without acknowledging it, it can be repeated.

[Waverly]

 

Letting go of someone that was important to you in your life is easier said than done. I wish I hadn't crossed the line with my exMM. We were friends to begin with then everything went pear shaped after we began an affair. It ruined what was a good friendship. The problem I have is that my exMM won't let go of me. He sent me a Valentines card and a lengthy letter where he has poured his heart out and asked if he can see me to talk things through. This is despite me blocking his mobile number, blocking him from social media etc and ignoring him when I have seen him on occasions lately.

 

I'm like you in some respects and that i quietly hope we can just be friends but from past experience, I know he will want more than that. I haven't done anything about his card and letter yet. I'm still deciding if I should get in touch with him or not. For you, going NC is the best thing for you at the moment and give yourself a chance to heal and don't worry what may or may not happen in the future.

 

I wish I had some of your strength. He's not trying to restart the A; if anything, he's the one who knows more clearly that we need to move on. I'm still caught in the muck at the moment. I know the reasoning doesn't hold up, but I keep feeling like, if I go NC, then it all was meaningless. Like I said, I know the logic isn't there, but every time we get close to it, I panic and get swallowed up by the sadness and guilt of it all.

 

We are going NC, but I know it will be a struggle. Even as we're saying we'll do it, he's giving me his new email address and saying how "it's not that I never want to talk to you...".

[Dog Woman]

We are going NC, but I know it will be a struggle. Even as we're saying we'll do it, he's giving me his new email address and saying how "it's not that I never want to talk to you...".

 

He obviously wants some limited contact but I think under the circumstances it would be more wise for you to both go NC. It would be sensible thing to give yourselves time out and space. NC will not be easy, but it is the sensible thing to do so that you can heal and he can deal with his alcohol and marriage issues. As for going NC, just take things a step at a time, take each day as it comes and don't look too far ahead into the future.

[jwi71]

I wish I had a good answer as to what began all of it.

 

Step number one...why.

Why did I think an A was going to help?

In what ways was it supposed to be beneficial to me?

THIS is the hard part...hard because, should you truly walk this path...will, ultimately, find yourself looking into the dark recesses of the heart. The places we fear to tread. An IC can help.

 

I have lots of excuses, but I know nothing really justifies it.

 

Excuses are often down-played reasoned...dismissed with a wave of the hand because...nonsense? too close to home? a truth we don't to face?

 

My H and I are really good friends. I'm not revising history here by saying this, but one of our struggles that we've had for years is that I often view him as a friend and not as a romantic partner. When the A started, we were going through a rough time, with some stressful things going on, and I was feeling resentful towards him for a lot of reasons. Again, I'm not saying that that justifies the A at all, but it definitely made me more vulnerable to it. As to what's wrong/broken/missing inside of me that led me to choose to do this... I don't know.

 

It won't answer itself.

(ahem)

 

I was in IC for a while in the midst of all of this, and still go intermittently. I'm not sure my counselor is the best fit for me, but she did say something that stuck with me, which is that "secrets are toxic". And yes... I see it. This is eating away at me.

 

Change IC's.

 

The only way to find YOUR happiness...is to find your happiness.

And sometimes, it means ugly before pretty. I'd say usually actually.

 

I had to look in the mirror and see ugly. Not fun!

(and I was the BH! - not fun and "unfair" - but best thing I EVER did)

 

You're life isn't over. You aren't some misshapen troll. You aren't devoid of guilt or right and wrong...just human. And not it the best of places. I hope you will challenge yourself to getting to a better place.

 

The only thing preventing YOUR happiness is YOU.

[Waverly]

He obviously wants some limited contact but I think under the circumstances it would be more wise for you to both go NC. It would be sensible thing to give yourselves time out and space. NC will not be easy, but it is the sensible thing to do so that you can heal and he can deal with his alcohol and marriage issues. As for going NC, just take things a step at a time, take each day as it comes and don't look too far ahead into the future.

 

I'm going to try. We went back and forth a while ago between making it open-ended versus saying to give it a week or a month or whatever. I know we both need to move on, but I can't shake that feeling that this person was important enough to me to risk my whole life on; it feels sort of wrong to then realize that I don't have any place at all in my life for him. That is some twisted thinking, I realize...

 

I've mentioned that we live quite far away from one another. When we did meet during the A, it was in a small town where we both have some ties ; I now have to go there next week for a five-day work trip. I've been there before for work since the A ended, and it's hard. I've never really been there with my family, only with him or for other work-related reasons. It feels like "our" place, you know? It's where we became friends years and years ago, it's where we met up, it's where we planned to get married (yes, I can feel the collective eyes of the internet rolling at me...). Every time I'm there, I'm confronted with the memories in a way that I'm not in my daily life. In other words, I'm really dreading this trip.

[Dog Woman]

I'm going to try. We went back and forth a while ago between making it open-ended versus saying to give it a week or a month or whatever. I know we both need to move on, but I can't shake that feeling that this person was important enough to me to risk my whole life on; it feels sort of wrong to then realize that I don't have any place at all in my life for him. That is some twisted thinking, I realize...

 

I've mentioned that we live quite far away from one another. When we did meet during the A, it was in a small town where we both have some ties ; I now have to go there next week for a five-day work trip. I've been there before for work since the A ended, and it's hard. I've never really been there with my family, only with him or for other work-related reasons. It feels like "our" place, you know? It's where we became friends years and years ago, it's where we met up, it's where we planned to get married (yes, I can feel the collective eyes of the internet rolling at me...). Every time I'm there, I'm confronted with the memories in a way that I'm not in my daily life. In other words, I'm really dreading this trip.

 

The trip might not be as bad as you think. You've done it once since the affair ended, you can do it again. There may be lots of memories there and you can't just switch them off. It's okay to have these memories. Eventually as time goes on they will fade and I'm not going to judge you for the both of you planning to marry. That's one of the toughest things to deal with when you end an affair - coming to terms with the loss of dreams, a relationship, and a future without the person you felt was important to you. The end of the affair is just like the end of any other relationship, and you have to allow yourself time to grieve and go through the grieving process. It will all just take time.

 

Above all you need to look after yourself. I wonder if maybe it would help you come to terms with things if you had some counselling with a counsellor, especially if you can't talk to friends or family about the affair and the end of it.

[Waverly]

I know I need to just take a deep breath and get through it. Memories never killed anyone, I suppose. There's a special twist of the knife this time because he and his family are moving into a new house at the same time I'll be there. New beginnings and all that, while I'll be in all of the places we were supposed to be together.

 

I need to let this go.

[Waverly]

Step number one...why.

Why did I think an A was going to help?

In what ways was it supposed to be beneficial to me?

THIS is the hard part...hard because, should you truly walk this path...will, ultimately, find yourself looking into the dark recesses of the heart. The places we fear to tread. An IC can help.

 

Excuses are often down-played reasoned...dismissed with a wave of the hand because...nonsense? too close to home? a truth we don't to face?

 

There are a lot of things I probably don't want to face. Why I married the person I did, for starters. Whether I was kidding myself then that it was what I wanted, or whether I am twisting things in my head now to better serve the narrative where I ended up having an affair, in order to avoid all of the guilt.

 

You're life isn't over. You aren't some misshapen troll. You aren't devoid of guilt or right and wrong...just human. And not it the best of places. I hope you will challenge yourself to getting to a better place.

 

The only thing preventing YOUR happiness is YOU.

 

Thanks... and you're right. I'll get there.

[Dog Woman]

I know I need to just take a deep breath and get through it. Memories never killed anyone, I suppose. There's a special twist of the knife this time because he and his family are moving into a new house at the same time I'll be there. New beginnings and all that, while I'll be in all of the places we were supposed to be together.

 

I need to let this go.

 

If you want to let go, then yes, you need to let go of him. As he seems to be starting a new chapter in his life with a new venture, could you do the same? You need to look after yourself day to day but is there something that you could plan just for you - something that would make you happy and something you wouldn't normally do for yourself.- a holiday or a weekend spa break with some girl friends or maybe just buy yourself something - new wardrobe or treat yourself to a makeover.

 

I tend to throw myself into work or friends and family to deal with any memories of my ex MM. My ex MM sending me a card and letter last week has triggered memories for me about him and the affair. I still haven't replied to his letter. but have decided I don't want him in my life and to let go of him. The problem I have is that I am going to still come into contact with him with very limited contact at dog shows and I can't afford to be anything but professional and civil towards him to him should he need to speak to me if he is stewarding, officiating in some way. I will respond to the letter just haven't decided what to say yet but whatever I do say, it will be short and to the point. In the meantime, I have just bought two tickets to a concert next month for me and my Mum and I'm planning for that.

[Waverly]

I need to do exactly that. I'm trying to focus on my kids and my work right now. I work from home, which has its ups and downs; one of the downsides is that it is somewhat isolating, so I tend to find myself staring into space a lot thinking about this whole mess. I'm trying to plan a weekend meetup this spring with one of my girlfriends who lives a ways away.

 

In other "not letting go" news, we had a long talk on the phone yesterday. We're still both going back to our lives, but there was a lot of "this isn't what I want" and "I don't know if this is the right thing but I have to try" type of thing. On the one hand, it's exactly what I want to hear: as twisted as it is, I can deal with it better if it all meant something and it's just accepting that the circumstances make it impossible. On the other hand, ugh, it just makes it a thousand times harder.

 

I'm not sure how things were left, to be honest. It's not really full NC, but it's closer to it, I guess?

[Dog Woman]

I need to do exactly that. I'm trying to focus on my kids and my work right now. I work from home, which has its ups and downs; one of the downsides is that it is somewhat isolating, so I tend to find myself staring into space a lot thinking about this whole mess. I'm trying to plan a weekend meetup this spring with one of my girlfriends who lives a ways away.

 

In other "not letting go" news, we had a long talk on the phone yesterday. We're still both going back to our lives, but there was a lot of "this isn't what I want" and "I don't know if this is the right thing but I have to try" type of thing. On the one hand, it's exactly what I want to hear: as twisted as it is, I can deal with it better if it all meant something and it's just accepting that the circumstances make it impossible. On the other hand, ugh, it just makes it a thousand times harder.

 

I'm not sure how things were left, to be honest. It's not really full NC, but it's closer to it, I guess?

 

Its early days but sounds like you are heading in the right direction. I'm in a similar boat to you, my exMM and I want eachother, but circumstances just won't allow us to be. He is still married, albeit it separated, and as long as he is married, I can't commit to anything other than just being platonic friends. He, on the other hand, wants a lot more from me - he wants a full relationship. For me, going NC, with very very limited face to face contact professionally, is the only way I am going to move forward and that means me letting go of him to do achieve that. Should his circumstances change in the future and he decides to divorce his wife and he tries to get in contact then I'll decide then, if that happens, whether I want a relationship with him at that time. I'm finding it tough at the moment because he wants to open the door again and talk things through.

[gettingstronger]

Yikes- I think that you are doing a lot right and some not so much-but you can only expect so much from yourself when you are as tangled up as you are-you need to untangle yourself bit by bit-

Start with forgiving yourself for any role you played in the undoing of the MM- yes, you had a role but thats over and done and just as he has scars so do you-you are working on yours so let him do the same-part of being an addict of anything is allowing yourself the same old crutch-don't be that crutch for him- once you feel good about that I think you should really work towards telling your husband- carrying a secret like that for the rest of your life is going to wear you down- it may be a year from now before you are strong enough to handle the consequences of your confession but you really need to work towards that-you can not be 100% you with the burden of guilt on your shoulders-

day by day-bit by bit- find yourself, your forgiveness and your strength-

good luck and take care of yourself-

[Waverly]

Its early days but sounds like you are heading in the right direction. I'm in a similar boat to you, my exMM and I want eachother, but circumstances just won't allow us to be. He is still married, albeit it separated, and as long as he is married, I can't commit to anything other than just being platonic friends. He, on the other hand, wants a lot more from me - he wants a full relationship. For me, going NC, with very very limited face to face contact professionally, is the only way I am going to move forward and that means me letting go of him to do achieve that. Should his circumstances change in the future and he decides to divorce his wife and he tries to get in contact then I'll decide then, if that happens, whether I want a relationship with him at that time. I'm finding it tough at the moment because he wants to open the door again and talk things through.

 

Baby steps, right? I honestly don't know if it's better or worse that it ended due to circumstances. I know some people here will think I'm kidding myself, but I really feel that if the geography/kids weren't such a problem, we would be together. The combo of long (and I mean loong) distance and very young kids (all four of our collective kids are three or under) just make it impossible. He's generally a lot more rational than I am (he's an attorney; I have a much more "touchy-feely" job), and I think that's helping him be stronger about it. I know there's no way for it to work, but that doesn't stop me from wanting to hold onto him and try.

 

I admire your strength. If I got a letter/card like that from my xMM...well, I don't know what I would do, but I know I'd have a hard time keeping my distance. I don't know how to phrase this without sounding cheesy... but you're kind of an inspiration to me that maybe I really can do it.

[Waverly]

Yikes- I think that you are doing a lot right and some not so much-but you can only expect so much from yourself when you are as tangled up as you are-you need to untangle yourself bit by bit-

Start with forgiving yourself for any role you played in the undoing of the MM- yes, you had a role but thats over and done and just as he has scars so do you-you are working on yours so let him do the same-part of being an addict of anything is allowing yourself the same old crutch-don't be that crutch for him- once you feel good about that I think you should really work towards telling your husband- carrying a secret like that for the rest of your life is going to wear you down- it may be a year from now before you are strong enough to handle the consequences of your confession but you really need to work towards that-you can not be 100% you with the burden of guilt on your shoulders-

day by day-bit by bit- find yourself, your forgiveness and your strength-

good luck and take care of yourself-

 

Thanks, gettingstronger. I'm sort of stuck in that one step forward, two steps back stage right now. Even though this has dragged out for months, and even though I'm still a complete wreck about it, I know I'm in a better place than I was this fall. (Not sure how much that's really saying, but I'm trying to focus on whatever positive glimmers I can find right now.)

 

I really hope he'll be ok. I don't think he's had anything to drink in the last week or so, but I don't know if he's just not telling me at this point. I know it's not entirely my fault, but I just want him to be alright. He's stronger than I am in a lot of ways; he dug himself out of some dark stuff with the alcoholism years ago, and I really do believe that he'll do it again. I also know how strong those demons can be, so I'll probably never really stop worrying.

 

Telling my husband is something I know I'll have to face eventually. For now, I need to do some work on myself, figure out what was so wrong with me in the first place, and get into a stronger place. And yes, forgive myself.

 

I really appreciate your kind words. You said that I'm doing some things right and others not so much -- I know there are a lot of things I could be doing better right now, but do you have specific suggestions?

[gettingstronger]

Yes, you should concentrate your time and energy on you and your well being, not his. Try to chunk out your life. Right now the chunk you are working on is you. How physically healthy are you? I started my road to recovery with that , yoga was a godsend. I went from a size 8 with little to no tone and horrible balance to a size 2 so much more toned and strong, my balance is amazing now. It was the little personal victories of touching my toes, holding a pose that helped move my mental health forward. I was proud of me. The meditative part of it helped too. If yoga doesn't appeal to you maybe running or walking. Enter a 5 k set for summer and work towards it. I knew my mental health would be a long journey so I started some place, my physical health. I am working on my recovery in chunks because it was so scary to think of all that lay ahead of me.

[Dog Woman]

Baby steps, right? I honestly don't know if it's better or worse that it ended due to circumstances. I know some people here will think I'm kidding myself, but I really feel that if the geography/kids weren't such a problem, we would be together. The combo of long (and I mean loong) distance and very young kids (all four of our collective kids are three or under) just make it impossible. He's generally a lot more rational than I am (he's an attorney; I have a much more "touchy-feely" job), and I think that's helping him be stronger about it. I know there's no way for it to work, but that doesn't stop me from wanting to hold onto him and try.

 

I admire your strength. If I got a letter/card like that from my xMM...well, I don't know what I would do, but I know I'd have a hard time keeping my distance. I don't know how to phrase this without sounding cheesy... but you're kind of an inspiration to me that maybe I really can do it.

 

You can do it and you will gain strength but yes, baby steps, to begin with. I totally agree with getting stronger, you need to look after yourself mentally and physically at the moment. Only time will tell if your relationship with your husband heals and gains strength and whether you should come clean about the affair or not -that's your decision and yours alone. Do whatever you feel is right with regards to that.

 

I began my A whilst I was still married, my husband and I have since divorced and I'm single again. He never knew about the A or my exMM, who wasn't the reason we split up. We were both just very unhappy before I started the A, and we felt it was best for us both to end the marriage. The A was a distraction for me, but it took me a little time to realise it was the wrong distraction from my marital problems.

 

As for exMM now, I have decided what to do about the letter and card. There is no point meeting and talking, I have nothing to say to him face to face and I can state my feelings and position in a brief letter which I will send to the new address he gave me.

 

Getting stronger has made some good suggestions about your well being now as it is paramount, especially as you have very young children. They need you and also, as you say, you need time to work things out for yourself at the moment. This really can only be achieved with no distractions from your exMM.

[Waverly]

Yes, you should concentrate your time and energy on you and your well being, not his. Try to chunk out your life. Right now the chunk you are working on is you. How physically healthy are you? I started my road to recovery with that , yoga was a godsend. I went from a size 8 with little to no tone and horrible balance to a size 2 so much more toned and strong, my balance is amazing now. It was the little personal victories of touching my toes, holding a pose that helped move my mental health forward. I was proud of me. The meditative part of it helped too. If yoga doesn't appeal to you maybe running or walking. Enter a 5 k set for summer and work towards it. I knew my mental health would be a long journey so I started some place, my physical health. I am working on my recovery in chunks because it was so scary to think of all that lay ahead of me.

 

I really like this. I'm not unhealthy, but I certainly am not in shape. In other words, I don't need to lose weight (if anything, this has caused me to already lose way too much just through loss of appetite), but I am definitely not strong or toned. I've always had an excuse -- kids, work, etc. -- but maybe it's time to stop making so many excuses. I've always liked the idea of yoga, but have been slightly intimidated by it for some reason.

 

I also just like the idea of breaking this into chunks. I'm such a mess right now that I'm finding it difficult to even get the momentum going to start "fixing" things. It all feels really overwhelming, you know? But the idea of breaking it into more manageable pieces is a good one.

[Waverly]

You can do it and you will gain strength but yes, baby steps, to begin with. I totally agree with getting stronger, you need to look after yourself mentally and physically at the moment. Only time will tell if your relationship with your husband heals and gains strength and whether you should come clean about the affair or not -that's your decision and yours alone. Do whatever you feel is right with regards to that.

 

I began my A whilst I was still married, my husband and I have since divorced and I'm single again. He never knew about the A or my exMM, who wasn't the reason we split up. We were both just very unhappy before I started the A, and we felt it was best for us both to end the marriage. The A was a distraction for me, but it took me a little time to realise it was the wrong distraction from my marital problems.

 

As for exMM now, I have decided what to do about the letter and card. There is no point meeting and talking, I have nothing to say to him face to face and I can state my feelings and position in a brief letter which I will send to the new address he gave me.

 

Getting stronger has made some good suggestions about your well being now as it is paramount, especially as you have very young children. They need you and also, as you say, you need time to work things out for yourself at the moment. This really can only be achieved with no distractions from your exMM.

 

The no-contact, even just over the weekend, has been tough. Neither of us wanted complete NC, but the open-endedness of it might be even harder. Now I'm wondering all the time if he'll be in touch again, when, whether I should contact him, etc., etc., etc. Round and round my mind goes. When it was true NC (which also only lasted through a weekend), I remember feeling hurt and bitter, but at least I knew we were both making this decision to stick to it. (ha). This time, I know that one of us will probably be in touch sooner rather than later, so I'm just stuck wondering which one of us it will be and why and what happens then. Eventually this cycle will need to break; I do know that, even if I'm not quite ready to break it myself yet.

 

As for the future with my husband...I don't know. I hate to bury my head in the sand about it, but I'm just not ready yet to deal with that. Yes, we also had issues for years, but before the affair, I never contemplated leaving him. I know if I tell him, it won't really be up to me anymore. I also know that the general leaning on this forum (often quite vocally) is in favor of telling - which I totally understand. I need to give it some time first before I really start to wrestle with that question.

 

I'm going to try and take gettingstronger's suggestions and set some goals for myself, unrelated to any of this.

 

Good for you for not meeting your xMM face to face. It sounds like the feelings are still there for you, but you're being strong in refusing to accept a relationship under the current circumstances.

[gettingstronger]

Keep us up to date on your progress on your personal goals-I know its scary- I was like a deer in the headlights thinking about everything in my life that needed dealing with- I knew that my personal health was something I could alone control and something I had neglected-this will make you laugh- I beat my teenaged son in a push up contest- cranked out 25 push ups before he could- and I am 48- and they were regular push ups too-not "girl push ups" as he calls them-Be good to you and enjoy it!

[Waverly]

Keep us up to date on your progress on your personal goals-I know its scary- I was like a deer in the headlights thinking about everything in my life that needed dealing with- I knew that my personal health was something I could alone control and something I had neglected-this will make you laugh- I beat my teenaged son in a push up contest- cranked out 25 push ups before he could- and I am 48- and they were regular push ups too-not "girl push ups" as he calls them-Be good to you and enjoy it!

 

Ha ha... that is a great image.

 

I'm still struggling to pull myself out of this depression, to be honest. I know I need to start prioritizing myself more, and start setting some goals for myself. But I still find myself just feeling too sad to really get the energy together to do it.

[Owl]

Ha ha... that is a great image.

 

I'm still struggling to pull myself out of this depression, to be honest. I know I need to start prioritizing myself more, and start setting some goals for myself. But I still find myself just feeling too sad to really get the energy together to do it.

 

You'll find that energy when you finally reach the point where you're pissed off. Angry at the way things have gone, angry at him for putting you in this position, angry at yourself for choosing this path.

 

That's when you'll be able to channel that energy a lot more.

 

But you're not going to get to that point until full NC kicks in.

 

Good luck to you, friend.

[whichwayisup]

Ha ha... that is a great image.

 

I'm still struggling to pull myself out of this depression, to be honest. I know I need to start prioritizing myself more, and start setting some goals for myself. But I still find myself just feeling too sad to really get the energy together to do it.

 

Even it's the smallest thing - Do it! Buy yourself a new outfit, or get a new haircut. Take a hot bath or ask one of your friends to go for a spa day with you.

 

It's okay to feel sad and down but not all the time.

[gettingstronger]

I agree with the others, even if it's the tiniest thing, do it. We will cheer you on. Even if it's I got out of my pjs before noon, even if it's I thought about thinking about making a list of goals, even if it's I forced myself to smile when I wanted to cry. I signed up for yoga at my local rec center rather than a yoga studio because I was too scared to be with all the people that knew what they were doing. My self esteem was awful, depression high. I mean how much lower can you be than finding out the man you've been married to for 22 years cheated on you, ugh! We are rooting for you and looking forward to sharing even the smallest victory with you. Cheers to you!