it's (really and truly) over

[Waverly]

We've been NC for almost two weeks. I'm really really trying not to dwell on this all the time (ha ha -- you can guess how well that's going).

 

He's not on Facebook or anything like that, but he is on LinkedIn. Neither of us are very active on there, but he's still a connection. I had never even thought about deleting him because I just so rarely use it, and him even less so. It just didn't occur to me. But I was on there this morning and one of the stupid updates was that he has a new connection, as of nine hours ago. (It's 1:00pm now).

 

And now I'm crying. This is SO ridiculous. I can't even imagine if he were on Facebook and I could see photos and updates - cannot even IMAGINE how painful that would be. As it is, I know he's around, and online (I think he was out of the country last week, and not sure if he was back this week or not); if he is back, he's online in the middle of the night. Is he drinking? Why do I care? And if he's not back, he's still been checking his email and clearly isn't reaching out to me.

 

I'm not contacting him either. But I feel like I'm going backwards instead of forwards right now. I'm in a dark place at the moment.

[Owl]

But I feel like I'm going backwards instead of forwards right now. I'm in a dark place at the moment.

 

THEN CHANGE THE SITUATION!!!!

 

You're not moving forward because you're just sitting there.

 

You know that's the advice you've been given over and over...and yet you continually come back and post the same thing....and then hear the same thing....and then ask for time....and then come back and post the same thing....ad infinitum.

 

You want to feel different? You want something different to happen? Then do something different.

 

That simple.

 

Enough crying. Put on your big girl britches.

[Waverly]

THEN CHANGE THE SITUATION!!!!

 

You're not moving forward because you're just sitting there.

 

You know that's the advice you've been given over and over...and yet you continually come back and post the same thing....and then hear the same thing....and then ask for time....and then come back and post the same thing....ad infinitum.

 

You want to feel different? You want something different to happen? Then do something different.

 

That simple.

 

Enough crying. Put on your big girl britches.

 

Owl, I'm trying. I swear. I've gone NC, I'm trying to focus on other things. I found a new therapist. No, I haven't told my husband, but short of that - and, frankly, that's a different conversation - I'm not sure what else I could be doing that I'm not.

 

I just wasn't expecting to find any evidence of him today. It threw me for a loop.

[Mickey1982]

Owl, I'm trying. I swear. I've gone NC, I'm trying to focus on other things. I found a new therapist. No, I haven't told my husband, but short of that - and, frankly, that's a different conversation - I'm not sure what else I could be doing that I'm not.

 

I just wasn't expecting to find any evidence of him today. It threw me for a loop.

 

Waverly, it's just like when I played a saved voice mail from my XMM last week. It set me back for days---worst trigger ever. Hang in there with me. I'm having a bad day too. Cried my eyes out to my therapist this morning...missing all the things that won't ever happen. We have to keep trying, Waverly. They are not ours to have....sadly.

[BrokenPrincess]

Totally feel you...I had a linkedin problem myself just last night. It decided xMM is "someone I may know" complete with his smiling face right there on the homepage when I logged in. Felt like I'd been punched in the gut.

 

Stay strong Waverly...the tears will eventually stop. It will pass. You won't feel as terrible as you do now. Just DO NOT BREAK NC! Xxx

[littlemermaid]

I see my xMOM's smirking face all over facebook every time I log in. I have learned to barely see it anymore. I could unfriend and block him, but our mutual friends may question that and I am now able to just avert my eyes when I see his picture.

[Waverly]

Thanks for the replies. It was a total punch in the gut. And BP, that was exactly what happened -- I was just killing time avoiding work and all of a sudden there was his picture. UGH.

 

Mickey, I remember you posting about the voicemail. I'm both really sad that I don't have anything like that and also glad. It would be pure torture. I hope your day has improved, even a little bit. I know you're right -- they're not ours. I understand that, intellectually. It's getting my heart to catch up that I'm struggling with.

 

LittleMermaid, that would drive me insane! I always teased him for being such a social media-resister, but it's probably a good thing for me in the end.

[littlemermaid]

Thanks for the replies. It was a total punch in the gut. And BP, that was exactly what happened -- I was just killing time avoiding work and all of a sudden there was his picture. UGH.

 

Mickey, I remember you posting about the voicemail. I'm both really sad that I don't have anything like that and also glad. It would be pure torture. I hope your day has improved, even a little bit. I know you're right -- they're not ours. I understand that, intellectually. It's getting my heart to catch up that I'm struggling with.

 

LittleMermaid, that would drive me insane! I always teased him for being such a social media-resister, but it's probably a good thing for me in the end.

 

Yes, it probably is! My xMOM is a very successful performer in his field and he is always promoting himself and things that he is doing, as well as adding about a zillion friends a day. I often have multiple posts in a row from him in my news feed and his little smirking face there...so I have learned to adjust to it!