Why do women go outside of the marriage?

[ladydesigner]

.

 

OMG, this. This was where I was at when I had my own. I only ever really wanted my H. My rage was so intense. After 18 yrs of his own, I couldn't take it any more. Talk about poor coping skills.

 

Same! I had rage like no other. I agree I had very poor coping skills.

[katielee]

As I stand here four years out looking at the reasons of being wanted it is because I couldn't fulfill that in MYSELF. I shouldn't need to feel wanted. Being myself, knowing that I am a person good enough, shouldn't come from my husband or any other man.

[littlemermaid]

Did you divorce your H?

 

 

No. This A happened very recently, and right now he and I are not seeing each other, he is struggling with guilt and I am respecting his wishes. we have been friends for years but right now he feels that he can't control himself when he is around me and so I am staying away from him. I'm going to try to work on my marriage instead.

[peruano99]

No. This A happened very recently, and right now he and I are not seeing each other, he is struggling with guilt and I am respecting his wishes. we have been friends for years but right now he feels that he can't control himself when he is around me and so I am staying away from him. I'm going to try to work on my marriage instead.

 

There are some medicines that can help with low testosterone you know.

[littlemermaid]

There are some medicines that can help with low testosterone you know.

 

Yes I know. He was prescribed the patch but he had a bad reaction to it, and for some reason his doctor doesn't want to give him injections. So he would rather do nothing and thinks it's perfectly fine to live in a sexless marriage.

[tiredofitall2]

No. This A happened very recently, and right now he and I are not seeing each other, he is struggling with guilt and I am respecting his wishes. we have been friends for years but right now he feels that he can't control himself when he is around me and so I am staying away from him. I'm going to try to work on my marriage instead.

 

Good for you in trying to reconcile your M.

[tired girl]

I shouldn't need to feel wanted. Being myself, knowing that I am a person good enough, shouldn't come from my husband or any other man.

 

There are parts of this I dis agree with. I think it is a very human emotion to feel wanted. It is part of the reason that we pick a mate and get married. We feel compatible with that person and the way we feel with them is good. They WANT us. It is when the need to feel wanted causes us to go outside of our boundaries and the boundaries of our vows to others that this need becomes a problem.

 

Now, if you didn't know that you were good enough, then that would be a reason why you would go outside of your boundaries. You needed more validation of that. Your right, that has to come from within. But I don't think that feeling wanted by your partner is wrong. I sure hope HL wants me. I want and have a certain need for him to want me. Should he decided he doesn't, well the M is over.

[gettingstronger]

My husband said the ow in our case always talked about how she never got the hot guy in high school. She got fake boobs and started going after older guys that were probably unattainable in high school. It was an ego boost for him that she saw him as the high school jock. So sad and twisted but that was her reasoning.

[Daisy2013]

I felt my H didn't care about me. For years I begged for attention. He never took me anywhere and never did "husband" things. He drinks a lot of beer. He is gone a lot hanging out with family, coming home when the beer runs out. He has a large, tight knit family and he never seems to be able to cleave to me and be a family with me. Our grown kids notice it as well. He'd tell me I could do what I wanted, he didn't care. Although I know he never meant for me to have an A. For years I felt single living with a roommate; he only showed interest when he wanted sex. I died inside and accepted my life.

 

Then a friend of many years expressed his feelings to me and we began a R. He is also unhappily married, but we cooled it off to return to just friendship. He didn't want another D and I wasn't pushing for it. We remain close friends. He knows me better than my H and I can share with him.

 

I didn't step out on a good M nor was I bored or looking for fun. I was dead and this man made me feel alive. In fact, I'd never known a R and friendship could be as ours was. While we didn't have sex, we were physical, and for the first time in my life, I understood "connection" and how incredible intimacy is.

 

Why haven't I divorced? Unless we can pull together, it will. He's unhappy too now. He noticed my "180" after I gave up, but didn't ask me how to fix things. As I pulled away, he let me. Now it may be too late. The one time I tried to express my feelings and what was happening to me in a very non-judgmental way...I just wanted to open up so we could talk, he got angry and shut me down. So, I can't talk to him.

[DasPope]

For my situation I actually don't think there was a reason apart from opportunity and spur of the moment desire. My wife never had any sort of affair restricting her infidelities to several one night stands. It was as she tells it .. "just being single again for a night". Destructive ? indeed. Opportunistic ? Of course. Hurtful upon discovery ? Very. But hardly malovent or emotional on her part.

[txgrl]

My poor boundaries and trying to run away from issues rather than face them .. I still have 'escapism' in me.

[compulsivedancer]

For the women who responded that they wanted to feel the feeling of "being wanted" was it because your H wasn't making you feel that way, or you wanted to feel it from someone new?

 

No, my husband wanted and loved me. I wished he made more time with me, and I wanted him to be more experimental in bed, but that's it.

 

What I wanted was the new relationship kind of want. Where he sets aside time just for you, and spends it all with you. Where he can't wait for you to come over. Where he has an urgent need for you and vice versa. Where you are still learning about each other and can surprise each other.

 

You can have some of those things in a marriage, but it requires a different level of planning. In a new relationship, it is the natural expression of those new relationship chemicals - the mating/courtship dance. How does a long-term spouse compete with that?

 

Of course, what I almost lost (as well as what I did lose) were not worth what was basically just excitement and hormones, but it was very exciting at the time, and you're on a chemical and emotional high while it's happening.

[Revolver]

To prove they still "got it".

[samsungxoxo]

With men, it is almost accepted, or it is looked at like what was wrong with the marriage?

 

With women, she is a slut.

 

 

 

Why? Would you have the same reaction if men were responding?

Or it can also be seen this way by certain people (even my mother but I don't share those ideas).

 

To them if a man cheats, he's a douchebag/pig but it's nothing new because men are men and most cheat anyway. But if a woman does it then the husband probably treated her poorly, wasn't fulfilling her emotional needs or must have done something to her. According to my mother and others, a woman doesn't just cheat to cheat for no reason.

 

Me: cheating is cowardly regardless of gender

Edited February 19, 2014 by samsungxoxo

[Woggle]

For the same reasons men do. They are not built for committed relationships but instead of being honest with themselves and others they drag innocent people into it and cause a lot of pain in the process. I have no issue with those who are not into monogamy but I do have issues with those who lie about and betray somebody who expected an exclusive relationship.

[Tayken]

Cos they've now realized that "looks" ain't everything, that there is a lot of other substance missing with sex being one of them, and that if they try to bail, it will cost them the Mat home as well as financial pain....so it's easy to just try to have some on the side.

[2.50 a gallon]

Each story is different. With my Ex, we had just moved across country for to her to accept her first career job. She was young and extremely good looking, and I soon had an army of co-worker OM's trying to tear apart out marriage. No matter what I did, they could twist it around to make me look bad.

 

What they did not know was that I was a reformed player. Married women had always been off of the menu, until I caught her cheating and kicked her to the curb. And I decided to give them a taste of their own medicine, and went after their wives.

 

 

That is when I found out married women are easy. Most of us men do not have a clue, of the emotional needs of a woman.

 

Note how often the WW in this thread mention feeling neglected. In many cases, after a few years, they take their wives for granted. They were emotionally dying for attention.

[GG2W]

From my P.O.V. it is all about good sex.

[NYWoman]

I cheated on my first Ex, for no good reason. actually a pack of lies that I was stupid to believe.

 

 

With my second marriage, I was determined to walk the line. But if anybody deserved it that was my second husband. He was all lovey dovey, attentive, everything a woman looks for in a man until our boys were born. The man never changed a diaper in his life. He contributed nothing to the raising of his sons, other than his half of the household expenses. I actually made a little, but he always believed that he was the main money winner. While I put money aside for the education, he spent his extra money on his play toys, golf clubs, fishing rods, jeep. We never took a family vacation, though he did take off on golf trip, hunting and fishing trips. He never once taught the boys how to fish or hunt, much less play baseball

 

 

And forget about our loser sex life.

 

 

I blew his world apart when the boys left home for good, I moved across the country.

[Tayken]

From my P.O.V. it is all about good sex.

 

How are you defining "good sex"...anything other than what is instantaneously available to you at home?

[2.50 a gallon]

t

 

 

From other posts GG is a male stripper

 

 

As for my co-workers, these were just a few sexual encounters, nothing on going. They were starving for their husbands to show them some interest.

One described herself as a golf widow, as he was gone each Saturday and Sunday.

 

 

They felt their husbands had redefined their status in the marriage, from lover and wife, to that as caretaker of the children, cook, and wash woman. In their eyes, the marriage was over, divorce would have meant they would have had to move and they did not want to disrupt their children's lives, as they were happy in the homes they were living in, their schools and their local friends. They were already making plans to leave, once the kids were out

[Grizzly101]

I have not had an affair or cheated, but has entered my mind.

My husband of 20 years and I have great sex, no boundaries sex. But, I still want to feel wanted. It helps your self esteem as a woman and mother, whether you act on it or not. Sometimes I feel like "he has to want me" or " had to act out his fantasies" on me because I'm the one he is supposed to want. When someone has been flirty to me, it boosts my confidence and has always made our sex better.

[topaMAXX]

I slept with married women in my younger, less moral years.

 

These women, from what I observed, we're extremely immature, insecure, and selfish. They had a need for instant gratification. They tried to justify their behavior by saying they needed more attention,etc, but as I learned more about them, I just found that they were bored.

 

Overall, they were shallow, immoral people....just like many of the women that responded to this thread.

[janedoe67]

Selfishness, misplaced character, and lack of self control.

 

The rest is just pretty sounding stuff

[Adele0908]

I have wondered this too and did my own informal research.

 

My theories are:

 

 

1. It is natural and normal to be attracted to many people in life. Humans are not necessarily monogamous. Anthropological research supports this.

 

 

2. Sex has multiple functions including bonding and forming social ties.

 

 

3. Many people marry people they aren't truly attracted to, out of fear of being alone

 

 

4. Sex with the same person for years may get boring after a while, especially if there is no attraction or passion.

 

 

5. The definition of marriage is outdated and needs to be redefined or reimagined