Ex dumped me for being abusive

[ExpatInItaly]

You have no business being in a relationship with anyone until you address and resolve your abusive behaviour. Leave him alone.

[madgirl1991]

<Moderation note: A near-duplicate thread was merged with an existing topic and content retained in case it expanded upon original topic for context>

 

We met online. Seemed perfect for each other, 98% match. He was basically..everything I had been searching for in a guy, educated, tall, good looking, sensible, logical, not too social, family-oriented, same religion as me. I had been looking and dating around for 2 years.. Every guy i encountered before him was a jackass, lost interest after a few weeks, or I wasn't interested from the get go.

 

We had two amazing weeks after first meeting. We spent almost everyday together. It was peaceful, and things just worked. We would chat for hours. The chemistry was crazy.

 

Then the fights began, interpersed with me travelling overseas. Basically, i was frustated he didn't act like other men i'd dated. He didn't show initiatve in planning dates, didn't seem interested in meeting my friends or showing me his, he always kicked me out by 11pm so he could go to bed (even on weekends!), never waited for me to drive off (he'd turn around and walk into his hosue as soon as i got into my car), he never phoned me when i was on holiday, even though i told him i reallly wished he would. So i felt..like he wasn't that into me.

 

Yet he claims he was totally into me, and gave up a lot for our relationship. I guess he did. It was difficult for him, an introvert, to spend so much time with me. I disrupted his usual routine of research work, reading, bible study etc. He spent 350 bucks on new clothes to look good for our first date! and he introduced me to his sister, the most important person in his world.

 

In my frustrated state, I would complain a lot. I called him selfish, self-absorbed, unmanly, passive. I compared him to my ex. Yeah, I know I was wrong to do these things. He'd just..never get do what i asked!!! He'd say it was too much energy to plan special dates, or stay up late with me.

 

Finally, we both wanted to talk about breaking up. I was bluffing. He was serious. I got angry when i found out he was serious, and did some bad things (including throwing something at the wall, taking back the presents i'd given him). He got very scared, and cried a lot. I reminded him of his abusive mother growing up.

 

The next day he ended it for real, saying he had always promised himself not to be with an abusive woman. He wouldnt even pick up the phone to say this, despite me begging. I showed up at his house begged him to come out..and he stayed with me for three hours whilst i begged like a crazywoman. Very embarassed now haha. Finally, we said a peaceful goodbye. We were both sad.

 

The next day, i texted asking if we could stil have dinner as friends in a week. He agreed. Tehn a few hours later asked to postpone to the week after...ouch. I asked if he is worried about being friends with me. He said we need to give each other understanding, distance and friendliness. He hasn't spoken to me since. Its been 5 days.

 

Questions:

 

1 Should i try and salvage it? Now, I know that there are so many incompatibilities in our personalities. But i also know, there is like....1% chance I will ever meet a guy of his qualities ever again (educated, attractive, not too social etc) who also likes me. I am 22, i have plenty of savings for a house, an education, full time work, and just want someone i can love on and who will walk with me through life.

 

2. Did he just say he would see me, to shut me up? Does he intend to?

 

3. Why isn't he speaking to me. Its hurtful. I thought he liked me as a person.

Edited February 22, 2014 by a LoveShack.org Moderator

[lvroflife]

You dropped his interest level in you with one action....YOU REMINDED HIM OF HIS ABUSIVE MOTHER! Big no no.... he lived with that his whole childhood life and now with his significant other...

 

You may have to put this one as a loss.... I am sorry to say!!

 

But also and I am not judging but it seems as if you need to do some work on yourself too!! So focus on improving you and when the next relationship comes you can be ready and confident!!

[Simon Phoenix]

The answer is the same as in the other thread you started -- no. You were abusive and disrespectful. Figure out how to stop being crazy, don't try to reconciliate a dysfunctional short-term relationship.

[madgirl1991]

But Simon Pheonix. Its easy for you. You're a guy. I'm a girl. There aren't enough guys for us girls in this world. I have tried so hard to find someone. Finally someone likes me. I ruin it. Am i supposed to be single forever?!?!?!!? cant attract guys easily. I have a great body, i dress well, have a good job etc. I just..dont have that x factor. And im african, not many white guys like african women. SO the pickings are slim.

[lvroflife]

You're 22 Calm down!! Stop being desperate and work on yourself

[guest572]

I think you need to move on. I sounds like neither of you were happy. you didnt feel loved and those things bugged you, you can't change him.

[Simon Phoenix]

But Simon Pheonix. Its easy for you. You're a guy. I'm a girl. There aren't enough guys for us girls in this world. I have tried so hard to find someone. Finally someone likes me. I ruin it. Am i supposed to be single forever?!?!?!!? cant attract guys easily. I have a great body, i dress well, have a good job etc. I just..dont have that x factor. And im african, not many white guys like african women. SO the pickings are slim.

 

Posts like this are probably why you flipped out and scared this poor guy away. You need to work on your self-esteem issues. There are plenty of guys out there.

[pickflicker]

But Simon Pheonix. Its easy for you. You're a guy. I'm a girl. There aren't enough guys for us girls in this world. I have tried so hard to find someone. Finally someone likes me. I ruin it. Am i supposed to be single forever?!?!?!!? cant attract guys easily. I have a great body, i dress well, have a good job etc. I just..dont have that x factor. And im african, not many white guys like african women. SO the pickings are slim.

 

Honey, your bad luck with men had nothing to do with how you look. You are rude, demanding, cruel, use manipulation like bluffing a break up to get what you want...

 

If you don't want to be single forever, I suggest you work on these serious issues. And leave your ex alone, the poor bloke had been through enough.

[ExpatInItaly]

Honey, your bad luck with men had nothing to do with how you look. You are rude, demanding, cruel, use manipulation like bluffing a break up to get what you want...

 

If you don't want to be single forever, I suggest you work on these serious issues. And leave your ex alone, the poor bloke had been through enough.

 

Exactly. OP, I'm a girl too and I find your behaviour and overall attitude really inappropriate and disrespectful. That is precisely the reason you drive men away. Would you want to date you? I doubt it.

[organizedchaos]

But Simon Pheonix. Its easy for you. You're a guy. I'm a girl. There aren't enough guys for us girls in this world. I have tried so hard to find someone. Finally someone likes me. I ruin it. Am i supposed to be single forever?!?!?!!? cant attract guys easily. I have a great body, i dress well, have a good job etc. I just..dont have that x factor. And im african, not many white guys like african women. SO the pickings are slim.

 

Your name fits you. Why are you fixated on white guys liking you?

[BC1980]

Being hot messes at any time is a red flag. But yeah, you were a jerk to this guy. Why would you brag about the sex you had with your exes? I mean, that's just rookie-league stupidity right there. And calling a guy gay? You have a lot of laps to run.

 

LOL. I was thinking the same thing. These are Dating 101 mistakes. If a dude asks you about sex with your ex, the appropriate response is the register that as a red flag and don't answer. He's just as bad for even asking.

 

You might as well have told the guy he had a small d*ck if you were going to call him gay. Just say it to his face why don't you? Oh wait, you already did. I'm usually not this mean, but for goodness sakes. . . .

[Radu]

Btw we weren't hot messes all the time!

 

We had great communication, honesty, shared interests. We even talked about moving in/engagement one day down the track..he introduced me to his family too! We wanted the same things in life and whenever had a fight we wrote dwn lists of our problems with one another and talked through them.

 

we were absolutely perfect - until the first incident when i 'hurt him.' he kinda switched off after that...

 

You emasculated him in quite a horrible fashion, called him gay when he couldn't perform [twice emasculated ... like kicking a dog that is down], and threw things around when you got angry.

 

As for him, he's a momma's boy, and somewhat of a welcome mat.

[madgirl1991]

We are in our mid 20s. He broke up with me 1 week ago. We only dated for 1.5 months, the last 2 weeks were pretty rocky. The breakup was embarassing, we had a fight over text, he ended it. I kept calling, he refused to pick up. So i showed up at his house ( i know, im acted like a stalker). begged him for three hours and wouldn't let him leave. I was barefoot, in daggy clothes, messy hair and makeup, a mess! Finally, he said he was sick and very tired, so I left. He looked troubled as we said goodbye. As soon as I got home, I unfriended him on fb and removed the relationship status.

 

The next day I texted and asked to have dinner in a week saying we could still be friends right? He agreed, but postponed to two weeks away. Ater that we did not contact each other for one week. It was hard for me, but I used the time to reflect on whether i wanted to be with him and if I was willing to change. I decided yes. So after this week I texted him asking about an item i'd left at his house, and if he was still coming to dinner and that i want to be friends. He was amicable, and said yes his plan was still to come see me.

 

He barely ever logs into the messaging service we used to use. He still doesn't contact me. I read online, that if your ex wants nothing to do with you, they wouldnt bother seeing you again. However, I don't know in this case. He's a people pleaser, has difficulty saying no, and is very gentlemanly...so I'm scared he's just coming out of politeness or to give me 'closure.' I am too scared to ask him.

 

Bonus question: What do i do when we meetup? I am not going to ask to get together, rather if we can keep hanging out as friends and see what happens between us. I believe I have some changes to make in myself before I can date again. Also, i have to get his trust back.

 

Please spare me a lecture on whether we should be getting back together or not. This is my decision to persue it. No one knows what went down except him and me. I jsut want help on interpreting his behaviour.

[almond]

You've only dated this guy for six weeks...just keep that in mind.

 

You said that he's a people pleaser. He likely has trouble asserting himself, and it seems as though you've been somewhat pushy in relation to meeting up with him. He postponed. He only responds when you ask about meeting up - he has done nothing to initiate it himself. But that doesn't really matter all that much. He doesn't want to be with you. He told you this, and broke up with you. That's not really open for interpretation, and you should take it for what it is.

 

Carrying on and pursuing him under the guise of friendship will only be damaging to you, and perhaps ruin any future chance of being with this guy. You have stated that you need to do some work on yourself before you are ready to date, so my advice would be to do exactly that, and let this guy have the breakup that he asked for.

 

Take time to sort yourself out, then make contact with him if you still want to and he's available. You've said yourself that you're not ready, and he has said that he doesn't want it...so don't do it. Fix yourself before worrying about anything else.

[madgirl1991]

Yes, I hear what you are saying. This is my fear also.

 

However, I have reason to think he MIGHT have enough courage to not talk to me if he really wanted that.

 

When he dumped me, it was over text. I begged him to call me, i called him multiple times..he refused to answer. I asked later why he didn't do it via phone. He said that its easier to put the phone down after he is done in a text. In a call you are stuck listening to the other person, and emotions come into play.

 

Secondly, when I got to his house like a stalker, i had to BEG him to come down. He put up a pretty good fight for 10 mins. he was resilient about not getting back together.

 

We said our goodbyes.

 

so what the hell does he really want, why is he giving me hope that we can be friends etc.

[David87]

Don't meet up with him. To much drama, you were together for 1.5 months and you already had a major fight. Cut him off completely because he doesn't deserve you.

[pickflicker]

If you want your dignity back, stop now.

[madgirl1991]

Why is everyone here so concerned with dignity? Who really cares what the hell a guy thinks of you, if you aren't going to be friends or date?

 

I would rather try my best, and know I did that and failed, then 'preseve my dignity.'

[pickflicker]

Why is everyone here so concerned with dignity? Who really cares what the hell a guy thinks of you, if you aren't going to be friends or date?

 

I would rather try my best, and know I did that and failed, then 'preseve my dignity.'

 

But you're not trying your best. You're doing the absolute worst possible thing if you ever want a chance of seeing him again. It's the opposite of your best.

 

So what do you want? To try your best, or to drive him away forever? Because right now, you're acting like Alex Forrest from Fatal Attraction, and if you don't get that reference, I suggest that movie to be mandatory viewing for you.

[madgirl1991]

Okay then. What do you suggest? Staying away from someone that i probably will never bump into in real life (as we met online and live/work on opposite sides of the city) is not going to help anything. He will just move on. Or I will. But i don't want to either of those things to happen, I want him.

 

Also, you're making me feel like a pyschopath. I'm not. I'm simply planning to have a simple dinner, in public, act friendly, not bring up the past, and suggest hanging out as friends regularly to see where it goes. How is that crazy? I think its sensible and low pressure for both of us.

[pickflicker]

Okay then. What do you suggest? Staying away from someone that i probably will never bump into in real life (as we met online and live/work on opposite sides of the city) is not going to help anything. He will just move on. Or I will. But i don't want to either of those things to happen, I want him.

 

Also, you're making me feel like a pyschopath. I'm not. I'm simply planning to have a simple dinner, in public, act friendly, not bring up the past, and suggest hanging out as friends regularly to see where it goes. How is that crazy? I think its sensible and low pressure for both of us.

 

You do nothing. What is so bad about moving on? You've gone completely postal on this bloke and it's been 6 weeks. You haven't possibly addressed the issues that ended your relationship in the first place. He's not the only guy. Calm the hell down, take a step back, and if he wants to find you, he will.

 

What you're doing right now, is a one way ticket to failure. Trust me.

[almond]

Why is everyone here so concerned with dignity? Who really cares what the hell a guy thinks of you, if you aren't going to be friends or date?

 

I would rather try my best, and know I did that and failed, then 'preseve my dignity.'

 

Because a person without dignity is a person that doesn't think too much of themselves, that's why.

 

This is not about what anyone else thinks of you, it's about what you think of yourself. Self respect and dignity are very closely linked with self-esteem and overall self-worth...if you lack one, you lack the others, and you will most certainly suffer because of it.

[madgirl1991]

Okay. I understand where you are coming from. I can understand why people think that preserving your dignity means you value yourself and you would rather move on then freak out about having to find osmeone else etc..because you believe there are others out there for you. Fine.

 

HOWEVER. I am from a culture, where you dont just give up on people. My mum and dad had a set up marriage. Like they were introduced, then within a few weeks decided if they want to continue to be married.

 

They had their differences. They have had HUGEEE fights. They are very different people. But they still work everythign out. They persist. Because they are committed. Not just give up and divorce and go next. I feel like this is the normal in western countries. where im from, we dont just 'move on.'

 

So its hard for me to understand.

[almond]

I appreciate that it is difficult for you to understand, but you need to try.

 

There is a fundamental difference between this situation and that of your parents - your parents were committed to each other, and both decided to work through their issues together. They decided to commit to a relationship after a few weeks...this guy bailed on you after a few weeks.

 

In this instance, the guy has broken up with you. He has made it clear that he does not want to be in a relationship with you. You cannot fix a relationship between two people if one has checked out already.

 

It has only been six weeks. I understand that you have raised some cultural reasons for this, but I feel that this is not logical. Your culture does not mean that after six weeks of dating, and then being dumped, that you should pursue the dumper until you're blue in the face. This is not culture, this is something else within you...something that you should work on as a priority, with no distractions.