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Does the other woman want the truth?


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gettingstronger

A thread on the ow side got me thinking. BS are constantly being accused of not wanting the truth, but what about the OW? You can explain all day long what your reconciliation looks like , how the affair is now viewed by your WS and they will argue it all day. I believe truth in this situation looks very different for the BS and their spouse than it does for the exOW. I suppose I could include OM in there as well so please don't limit this to just women. Thoughts?

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Your post is specific to the OW wanting the truth when the MM reconciles with his wife.. I think it applies even when the MM doesn't reconcile.

 

In my sitch, the OW does NOT want to know the truth about how much she was lied to. She believes he told her the truth and that's all she wants to hear. She didn't want to believe that our sex life went on like normal, because he told her different. She didn't want to hear that our relationship was no where near as bad as he described it to her. She doesn't want to believe that I'm actually a pretty decent person, loving, caring, compassionate. She's rather believe that I'm some crazy psycho who treated him like crap.

 

Why would she want to know the truth? She's with him now... knowing the truth about what he did to me isn't something she wants to hear. She wants to live in some little bubble where their relationship is perfect, she's better than me and he'll never do to her what he did to me. Because theirs is the "love of a lifetime" don't you know? So yeah... I'm 100% positive she does NOT want to know the truth.

 

One last thing... I'm also very sure that she doesn't want to know that he just told me that he didn't want to leave me, that he still loves me, that he thinks about me everyday and how badly he screwed up and that the only reason he is with her is because I kicked him out. Yes... pretty sure she wouldn't believe me even if I did tell her.

 

I'm just the jealous scorned ex after all.

 

She'll find it all out soon enough though. One day he'll do to her like he did to me. Then and ONLY then will she want to see it for what it was. Well... even then she might not want to admit it.

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IMO, absolutely not.

 

I was only ever one phone call away if she wanted the truth regarding our marriage, whether or not we lived as roommates (Hahahahaha) and if divorce was on the horizon being broached as a topic.

 

it's the oldest line in the book.

 

My S GF was dating a man who claimed to be separated, living in the basement, and his wife already had a BF. It was only a matter of time, but he had a business and the divorce was dicey.

 

he was a bit dodgy at times. She couldn't find him, or if she called his cell, he wouldn't respond for a day or two. he always claimed kid or business emergencies and apologized profusely.

 

I told her if what he said WAS TRUE, call his home phone. IF his wife was supposedly a woman with a BF heading towards divorce, would not care one whit if one of his GFs were worried about his falling off the planet.

 

Makes LOGICAL SENSE, NO?

 

The OW NEVER calls because she does not want the truth, IMO.

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PS: As for reconciliation, I put the man through HELL! Kicked him out to be with his soulmate, changed the locks and called the D attorney. Agreed to D amicably and told our grown children to treat her with respect if that was who he chose to spend his life with.....

 

Guess what? He NEVER told her he had carte blanche from me to sail into the sunset with her....

 

Curious, No?

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confusedandhurt2002

The OW doesn't want to face the truth if R is happening. That means they were nothing and meant nothing to the WS. That's what is happening in my case. She has put all this stuff up on different social sites, begging for attention and saying she was wronged and hurt and .... she was lied to. I don't know what lies my husband told her..either out right lies or simply not saying anything to deny what she was saying.

 

He told her he loved her. He told me he doesn't know why he said that. And he may have loved her, but I don't believe he was "in love" with her..he was attached to her because of the attention she paid to him and therefore he did love her in a way. I don't deny there was some love there, but if he loved her that much then why isn't he fighting for her? I think that's a hard thing for her to face. I know it would be for me!

 

Not going to lie and say I don't wonder if he is staying only because of our son, but based on what he is going through with IC and our previous MC and meeting with pastors and the conversations we had, I don't believe he is. As angry as I am and as hard of time I have in trusting him, I believe he's here because he wants to be with me. I'm sure that hurts her to her core. Does part of me want her to hurt? Yes...but part of me also feels hurt for her.

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I'm actually glad you started this post. I think this is the one thing that continues to really bug me about this entire situation. (well aside from having to deal with her being around my son).

 

I see the OW and my ex posting pictures on their FB as their profile picture. It's a picture they took while they were cheating to be with each other. I just want to get on there and call them both out on it... oh nice pic... when was that taken... oh that was when he and I were still together and he was telling me how much he loved me? Oh isn't that sweet!

 

Or when she commented on a picture of my dog that passed right after he moved out... saying "remember when I was scared of him? he looked so mean" and my response to that would be... umm... and when exactly did you meet MY dog? Oh and by the way, she's a she not a he dumbass.

 

Or when she commented on twitter "I must be pathetic, it took me a year to get someone to love me". That's because he was with ME you dumbass.

 

It makes me wonder if she really believes that she did nothing wrong.

 

I would love to just SHOUT to the world what they did but I won't. In the end it doesn't matter. In the end... they are going to have to live with each other and what they did. Maybe they really do deserve to be together... both of them with their heads in the sand, butt in the air, believing that everything is ok.

 

But either way... I feel better for having written all of that out... even if she won't ever see or it or ever really know the truth.

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The OW doesn't want to face the truth if R is happening. That means they were nothing and meant nothing to the WS. That's what is happening in my case. She has put all this stuff up on different social sites, begging for attention and saying she was wronged and hurt and .... she was lied to. I don't know what lies my husband told her..either out right lies or simply not saying anything to deny what she was saying.

 

He told her he loved her. He told me he doesn't know why he said that. And he may have loved her, but I don't believe he was "in love" with her..he was attached to her because of the attention she paid to him and therefore he did love her in a way. I don't deny there was some love there, but if he loved her that much then why isn't he fighting for her? I think that's a hard thing for her to face. I know it would be for me!

 

Not going to lie and say I don't wonder if he is staying only because of our son, but based on what he is going through with IC and our previous MC and meeting with pastors and the conversations we had, I don't believe he is. As angry as I am and as hard of time I have in trusting him, I believe he's here because he wants to be with me. I'm sure that hurts her to her core. Does part of me want her to hurt? Yes...but part of me also feels hurt for her.

 

he loved the way she made him FEEL: Adored, flattered, respected, the center of her lonely world. Supreme ego adoration. Hard for the male-ego to resist.....especially when coupled with easy sex. It addles their mind.

 

BUT, I have many older brothers....and please TRUST me on this....men are exactly where they want to be when it comes to relationships.

 

They move heaven and earth to be with the woman they want. THAT is truth.

 

And if SHE blows his mind sexually (because that is how men give and receive love) he is going NOWHERE.

 

They are that basic....

 

No offense meant...and sorry for the T/J....

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I'm actually glad you started this post. I think this is the one thing that continues to really bug me about this entire situation. (well aside from having to deal with her being around my son).

 

I see the OW and my ex posting pictures on their FB as their profile picture. It's a picture they took while they were cheating to be with each other. I just want to get on there and call them both out on it... oh nice pic... when was that taken... oh that was when he and I were still together and he was telling me how much he loved me? Oh isn't that sweet!

 

Or when she commented on a picture of my dog that passed right after he moved out... saying "remember when I was scared of him? he looked so mean" and my response to that would be... umm... and when exactly did you meet MY dog? Oh and by the way, she's a she not a he dumbass.

 

Or when she commented on twitter "I must be pathetic, it took me a year to get someone to love me". That's because he was with ME you dumbass.

 

It makes me wonder if she really believes that she did nothing wrong.

 

I would love to just SHOUT to the world what they did but I won't. In the end it doesn't matter. In the end... they are going to have to live with each other and what they did. Maybe they really do deserve to be together... both of them with their heads in the sand, butt in the air, believing that everything is ok.

 

But either way... I feel better for having written all of that out... even if she won't ever see or it or ever really know the truth.

 

RAENA, there are very, very insecure women out there....and the affair is not only about attracting an ALPHA male, it is often about BESTING the woman who caught him first. That is you!

 

And how sad is that?

 

I guarantee you she had a piss poor relationship with daddy, few female friends, if any, and just needed to feel like a cheerleader who won the quarterback....because she never sat at the popular table in high school.

 

She is lonely, unstable, insecure, and uses her sexuality to feel superior to other women today. They still don't like her. She needs to feel empowered by dis empowering women she truly admires, but now hates, because she can't figure out how to be a confident woman.

 

This is not ALL OW. This is a select group who have to hate, disparage and demean the BS because Od deeply rooted insecurities.

 

I know she tortures you on social media.....but think on that!

 

Sad....and pitiful, no?

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. (well aside from having to deal with her being around my son).

 

Rae, you need to go to court with ALL this crazy OW's rantings online printed out and show a judge so you can keep that nutcase away from your son! Not a joke, that woman is poison!

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RAENA, there are very, very insecure women out there....and the affair is not only about attracting an ALPHA male, it is often about BESTING the woman who caught him first. That is you!

 

And how sad is that?

 

I guarantee you she had a piss poor relationship with daddy, few female friends, if any, and just needed to feel like a cheerleader who won the quarterback....because she never sat at the popular table in high school.

 

She is lonely, unstable, insecure, and uses her sexuality to feel superior to other women today. They still don't like her. She needs to feel empowered by dis empowering women she truly admires, but now hates, because she can't figure out how to be a confident woman.

 

This is not ALL OW. This is a select group who have to hate, disparage and demean the BS because Od deeply rooted insecurities.

 

I know she tortures you on social media.....but think on that!

 

Sad....and pitiful, no?

 

Yes, you pretty much described her. Mother died when she was young, daddy was a drunk and didn't give a rats ass about her. I can see that she doesn't have many female friends, just one or two. Neither of them are on her Twitter at all. She does have 3 sisters and several female cousins but they don't seem to be very supportive of her and are all MUCH prettier than she is. She never smiles in any of her pictures. She actually reminds me of "grumpy cat"... has the same pout. Even when she is supposedly happy, that's what she looks like... miserable.

 

What's funny about you pointing this out is that this is exactly what I told my ex about her. I saw it pretty clearly... the ugly duckling syndrome. I told him... why don't you go find some pictures of her from when she was little. I can guarantee you she was not all that pretty or she at least thought she wasn't. I told him to ask her how she feels about herself. Now all of a sudden she has boobs and long hair and she got YOU... He's a complete jackass but she doesn't know that. She has no idea exactly how screwed up he is. All she knows is that he much nicer looking than her ex who was also a drunk and doesn't work. She doesn't know that my ex is actually a mooch. But she has nothing to offer financially, he's her sugar daddy.

 

So yeah.. you got it exactly right about this particular girl. She's clueless AND has self-esteem issues. It's the perfect combination for burying her head in the sand; not wanting to know the truth. The truth would shatter her.

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So you need to NEVER say a bad word to him about her...That just cements them.

 

However, you can tell him you wish them every happiness, BUT you re the mother of his son and it is disrespectful for her to trash talk you on twitter and FB....

 

Your son could be devastated by this if one of his friends parents sees this nonsense. She won the man, why try to hurt the mother of his son? Does she not care about his son's feeling?

 

Ball in his court.Do not say another word....

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gettingstronger

I have to agree. Seems like the lie that is an affair is the more comfortable truth for some. As soon as day happened, the lies within my marriage ended. I don't understand how the ex APs don't see that. Yes , during the affair there were plenty of lies between us, but during reconciliation were are honest, almost to a fault. Honesty is painful sometimes.

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During my false R (the hmmm... 1st and 2nd ones... by #3 there was no more "oops" left in the jar) I was actually contacted by a number of his others. He was called away and I had his phone, too.

 

The majority thought I was a well meaning Ex, and that he was either amicably D or separated.

 

What?

 

You know... I was just watching all his kids (our daughter and his sons). Taking care of the house. That I was a good woman he effed over and he played out a sob story for them. How he effed up a real good thing. Crafted an entire "I was such an a-hole but I've seen the light" pity party for himself. That apparently worked, every time.

 

These women were so civil with me, because they thought THEY MIGHT HAVE TO DEAL WITH ME LATER BECAUSE OF THE KIDS.

 

The non-strippers and sugar babies bolted for the hills when they found out. The paid ones, well, they were paid. What did they care kwim?

 

My biggest burn tho, was he apparently preyed the hardest on single moms. Which makes me sad. Makes me cringe. Ironic, because he would tell them he admired their strength. That they deserved to be cared for too.

 

And now, I am one.

 

I wonder if he admires my strength for taking care of our child by myself, for leaving a wicked husband? Naaaaaaaaaaah I doubt it.

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During my false R (the hmmm... 1st and 2nd ones... by #3 there was no more "oops" left in the jar) I was actually contacted by a number of his others. He was called away and I had his phone, too.

 

The majority thought I was a well meaning Ex, and that he was either amicably D or separated.

 

What?

 

You know... I was just watching all his kids (our daughter and his sons). Taking care of the house. That I was a good woman he effed over and he played out a sob story for them. How he effed up a real good thing. Crafted an entire "I was such an a-hole but I've seen the light" pity party for himself. That apparently worked, every time.

 

These women were so civil with me, because they thought THEY MIGHT HAVE TO DEAL WITH ME LATER BECAUSE OF THE KIDS.

 

The non-strippers and sugar babies bolted for the hills when they found out. The paid ones, well, they were paid. What did they care kwim?

 

My biggest burn tho, was he apparently preyed the hardest on single moms. Which makes me sad. Makes me cringe. Ironic, because he would tell them he admired their strength. That they deserved to be cared for too.

 

And now, I am one.

 

I wonder if he admires my strength for taking care of our child by myself, for leaving a wicked husband? Naaaaaaaaaaah I doubt it.

 

But you can be proud of yourself for being strong enough to walk away and be done with the foolishness. You don't need him to admire you... you can do that all on your own!

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So you need to NEVER say a bad word to him about her...That just cements them.

 

However, you can tell him you wish them every happiness, BUT you re the mother of his son and it is disrespectful for her to trash talk you on twitter and FB....

 

Your son could be devastated by this if one of his friends parents sees this nonsense. She won the man, why try to hurt the mother of his son? Does she not care about his son's feeling?

 

Ball in his court.Do not say another word....

 

Yes, I do need to stop running my mouth to him about her. That's the next step of recovery for me :)

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The. A's that are started between our WS and OP are based on lies. What difference will the truth make?

 

I for one don't need to inform the OW in my case of anything. She is non-important and my M has zero to do with her. It was what it was move on with yourself.

 

How we are dealing with our M is none of her business.

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Lostinlife4now

FOW here....

 

Unfortunately,,,I NEVER believed anything xMM said about his relationship with his wife....If he could lie to her/himself...Hell then he would and could lie to me.....

 

JMO......

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experiencethedevine
FOW here....

 

Unfortunately,,,I NEVER believed anything xMM said about his relationship with his wife....If he could lie to her/himself...Hell then he would and could lie to me.....

 

JMO......

 

 

 

 

Cleverly shrewd in a precarious situation, and possibly shrewd enough to have extricated yourself from it before a gargantuan storm?

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gettingstronger

Yes, lost, I believe it takes a lot to be able to see the MM for what he really is- I also think you are quite self- aware in knowing that all along- I see lots of people involved in affairs that don't understand that concept-Hope you are well and healing-

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cozycottagelg

I believe everyone wants the truth.

 

However I don't think the BS wants the truth from the OW, and an OW doesn't want the truth from the BS. I think they both want honesty from the MM...unfortunetly, that's usually the last place the truth is coming from.

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Arrrgggghhhh! THe 'T' word again. There is never one truth, there is a multiverse of truths, all differing slightly from each other. And I suspect that they diverge more the further out from the actual events they get.

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veritas lux mea
Arrrgggghhhh! THe 'T' word again. There is never one truth, there is a multiverse of truths, all differing slightly from each other. And I suspect that they diverge more the further out from the actual events they get.

 

Actually you are wrong. There is one "Truth". Maybe not when applied to emotions but when applied to actual things that took place. There is one and only one truth. What actually happened.

 

•married man tells OW he doesn't have sex and sleeps in a different bed but he really is getting lots of sex. The truth isn't relative here. It is concrete.

 

•married man tells his BW he never told the OW he would leave the marriage but he actually did, a lot. There is no relative truth here. It is concrete.

 

He can change his tune about a lot of things. And he may lie and minimize what actually happened. But that doesn't mean there isn't hard facts to be found. But they just don't usually get found unless there is evidence.

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