Does the other woman want the truth?

[peaksandvalleys]

I do not know if OW wanted the truth. I did so I decided to find that out through an independent third party who was paid to just dig and tell me what they found. Did OW appreciate the diligence it took to accomplish that? I highly doubt it? She was too busy ranting and raving about me destroying her life, her family's life and her professional reputation.

 

She found out that I didn't give a damn about what happened to her. I cared as much as she cared for me and my family. I am sure I haven't heard the last from her but I am prepared and waiting.

[confusedandhurt2002]

Then I must be blowing his mind because he isn't going anywhere. And I'd say he's not moving anything to be with her. It's funny...in weak moments I posted some stuff on my social pages directed at her, but without saying it was toward her, because, yep, I stooped to that level. She would go dead silent when I did that. Then I deleted those pages and made sure she couldn't see anything of mine. That's when she starts posting again, looking for attention and saying how she has to live in her pain and hurt all alone, etc.

 

She likes the attention.

 

And yes, the men do like to feel adored, flattered and respected and in my case when I started to do that to him again (I wasn't because I was so sick last year with various health issues and I needed a refresher course in how to treat a man, as much as he needed on in how to treat a woman) he ate it up and loves it. I don't think there is anything wrong with a person wanting to feel adored and respected. It's a basic need that she met, but in a very selfish way for herself and at the expense of her own family.

 

What she doesn't like now is facing the consequences and guessing by the posts I'm seeing now she doesn't want to go down alone. I think she's getting ready to try to pull my husband down with her.

 

he loved the way she made him FEEL: Adored, flattered, respected, the center of her lonely world. Supreme ego adoration. Hard for the male-ego to resist.....especially when coupled with easy sex. It addles their mind.

 

BUT, I have many older brothers....and please TRUST me on this....men are exactly where they want to be when it comes to relationships.

 

They move heaven and earth to be with the woman they want. THAT is truth.

 

And if SHE blows his mind sexually (because that is how men give and receive love) he is going NOWHERE.

 

They are that basic....

 

No offense meant...and sorry for the T/J....

[confusedandhurt2002]

I have a feeling I haven't heard the last from the OW in my case either. She's gearing up for an attack I have a feeling.

I do not know if OW wanted the truth. I did so I decided to find that out through an independent third party who was paid to just dig and tell me what they found. Did OW appreciate the diligence it took to accomplish that? I highly doubt it? She was too busy ranting and raving about me destroying her life, her family's life and her professional reputation.

 

She found out that I didn't give a damn about what happened to her. I cared as much as she cared for me and my family. I am sure I haven't heard the last from her but I am prepared and waiting.

[jnel921]

You guys do care if you are stalking the OWs social media or paying people to dig. Who cares. When she is gone shut her out.

 

It doesn't look crazy if she is ranting on her social media page about your WH. What looks crazy is you following her.

 

It is so not necessary. Silence speaks volumes. Shutting the door completely to that will allow you to focus on the new one in front of you.

[gettingstronger]

Sadly I too think our OW is not done intruding- I have closed every window and door I can think of- everything is blocked or set to private-she contacted our atty several times so I even told them- I don't want to hear about contact from her unless there is something I need to do about it- so my truth-she is a pain in my butt-

[confusedandhurt2002]

Didn't say I was stalking her pages, but I do look from time to time to make sure she's not moving back to our area. She likes everyone to know everything so she makes it public and I do want to be aware if she's going to try to stir up trouble again. Other than that, I agree with you. I don't feel it makes me look crazy at all to be alert so I can make sure my son is protected from her craziness. And I am silent with her...I don't say a thing about it on social media, other than a couple comments in the beginning on a page none of my friends follow and I'm sure no one ever saw before I deleted it all.

 

 

I forgot, though, you're the one who does everything right in these situations. Kudos to you.

 

You guys do care if you are stalking the OWs social media or paying people to dig. Who cares. When she is gone shut her out.

 

It doesn't look crazy if she is ranting on her social media page about your WH. What looks crazy is you following her.

 

It is so not necessary. Silence speaks volumes. Shutting the door completely to that will allow you to focus on the new one in front of you.

[Raena]

You guys do care if you are stalking the OWs social media or paying people to dig. Who cares. When she is gone shut her out.

 

It doesn't look crazy if she is ranting on her social media page about your WH. What looks crazy is you following her.

 

It is so not necessary. Silence speaks volumes. Shutting the door completely to that will allow you to focus on the new one in front of you.

 

Actually I do think it does make the OW look crazy to rant on a public forum about every little thing she thinks and feels and does, particularly about a MM she screwed around with. Why blast to the whole world that she got her heart broken by a man she shouldn't have been involved with in the first place. That's embarrassing.

 

I don't think it's crazy that it's looked at either.

 

I've said it before and I'll say it again... if you don't want people to know your personal business then don't post it on a public forum with your name attached to it. It's that simple.

 

I look at both my ex and his skanky hobo's page all the time. I'm not the slightest bit ashamed of it either. If they want to blast their life on there, then why shouldn't I look? I need to know what my son is walking into. And besides that... it makes me laugh to watch them flounder.

[Lostinlife4now]

Cleverly shrewd in a precarious situation, and possibly shrewd enough to have extricated yourself from it before a gargantuan storm?

 

 

Oh hell yes....experiencethedevine.....

 

I DID NOT WANT HIM.....

 

Now when I look back at the situation I find him to be a lowly individual. I think the word I like this week is CAD! I did tell him at the end of the relationship what I reallllllllly thought about him and believe me it was not nice. Just had to get it off my brain. I am sure to this day his is still spinning about what I said to him. He can make all the $$$ in the world and climb that corporate ladder to be the CEO, but he will always BE a .......(fill in the blank)!

 

I have learned that I am TOO good for him and I am in a MUCH better place now.

 

Honestly, she can have him....I feel sorry for her that she has to stay married to a LIAR......

[gettingstronger]

Lost- I am happy for you that you have found worth in yourself- I hope for the sake of his wife that he changes and becomes the man she deserves as well- I totally understand your hate towards him but for her, I hope he changes-

[Lostinlife4now]

Lost- I am happy for you that you have found worth in yourself- I hope for the sake of his wife that he changes and becomes the man she deserves as well- I totally understand your hate towards him but for her, I hope he changes-

 

 

Thank you gettingstronger......

 

He doesn't or will never think he has to change anything about himself...He is PERFECT/////in his eyes.....NARCISSISTIC......

 

As far as his wife...I do pity her!

[Got it]

Yes I wanted to the truth. I had a healthy skepticism for a while on things and expected to be shown he was a lying. The whole trust by verify goes both ways.

 

So yes, we both wanted the truth and we continue to want/expect the truth and set up our relationship to be very transparent to each other.

 

I do agree that one is going to also consider the messager when getting it and so the OW to the BS or the BS to the OW will be colored as well unless facts are verifiable. I think that is to be expected.

[peaksandvalleys]

You guys do care if you are stalking the OWs social media or paying people to dig. Who cares. When she is gone shut her out.

 

It doesn't look crazy if she is ranting on her social media page about your WH. What looks crazy is you following her.

 

It is so not necessary. Silence speaks volumes. Shutting the door completely to that will allow you to focus on the new one in front of you.

 

 

I paid a PI prior to D-day. I also do not regret where I am right now in the process. It is my journey. What might work for you might not be what I feel is best for me. I respect your journey. I only ask that you respect mine as well. What I find necessary for my healing is just that, "WHAT I FIND NECESSARY"

[imfine]

Just as a BS wants/needs the truth to heal and move forward whether they reconcile or divorce, some OW want/need the truth to dissect how they go to the point of having an affair so they can heal and move forward. Not all OW are horrible people. Most WS do an excellent job pursuing their OW & selling why the OW should wait just a little longer.

 

They do an excellent job of making the BS & the marriage look horrible. They do an excellent job making excuses as to why things are taking so long. Some OW do have a heart and soul so they try to be understanding. What kind of woman wouldn't understand that the man she loves is trying to make things as easy as possible for his beloved children? Lord knows that monster of a wife of his won't put the children first. He showed OW the photos she posted online of her girls night away on Mother's Day of all days. What kind of woman doesn't spend mother's day with her children? Perhaps one last family vacation will create enough happy memories to last a lifetime for the children. Perhaps one last Christmas, one last birthday, etc.

 

WS also sent OW photos of the nasty house BS keeps. How can anyone expect their family to live in filth? He calls as he's picking up take out every night after work because she doesn't feed him or her own children. She's lazy and only cares about herself. However, BS makes sure to spends lots of time & money at the salon. WS showed OW where BS checked in online at the most expensive salon in town. Too bad it's not helping BS be more attractive because WS said BS is too lazy to do anything to lose the 50 lbs she's gained. BS just sleeps, plays online, etc. The OW has seen BS in person or in photos and yep, she's overweight.

 

The selling & justification goes on & on & on. The stories are plausible so it is easy for an OW to believe the BS is a horrible woman and the marriage is dead. However after a while the OW may start to question WS. The WS covers his tracks, showers the OW with love and admiration, and the OW continues to believe. At least until enough time passes, the OW catches WS in a blatant lie, has her own moment of clarity & decides enough is enough. The OW then desperately wants the truth, just as a BS after DDay, because there is no way this man she loves so deeply would betray her. There is no way he would intentionally set his beloved OW up to be a homewrecker. An OW can't wreck a home if the marriage is already dead, right? He wouldn't make love to his beloved OW & also sleep with the wretched, lazy, overweight, selfish, terrible person he married & lie about it would he? He's leaving that horrible woman, any day now. Any month now. Any year now.

 

If only the beloved OW had the truth. OW could see the WS for the scoundrel he truly is & move on. His story seems so real. He showed her pictures. He showed her social networking. He spends so much time with his beloved OW, BS obviously doesn't care. WS has to be telling the truth to his beloved OW, right?

 

To answer your question, yes some OW do want the truth. Some OW have a moment of clarity, are guilt ridden, disgusted by their behavior and decide to better themselves. Some OW get their man & want the truth so they can trust him. Of course some OW don't want the truth & want to live in their little bubble of affair bliss.

[WasOtherWoman]

Former OW here (as is evident by my moniker!)

 

I actually did not necessarily want the WHOLE truth when my MM and I were still in the affair stage.

 

I wanted the truth about his intentions (was he leaving or was he staying), I wanted the truth about his timeline and why it was what it was. Aside from that I never really asked any questions, because I wouldn't have believed anything he told me anyway, he was an MM, after all.

 

I assumed that he was having s*x with his wife, I assumed that they did things together because they were married and living together. But I sure the hell didn't want to hear about it.

[Raena]

Just as a BS wants/needs the truth to heal and move forward whether they reconcile or divorce, some OW want/need the truth to dissect how they go to the point of having an affair so they can heal and move forward. Not all OW are horrible people. Most WS do an excellent job pursuing their OW & selling why the OW should wait just a little longer. So then wait... wait until he is divorced. Don't get involved until then. Isn't that the smart thing to do?

 

They do an excellent job of making the BS & the marriage look horrible.yes They do an excellent job making excuses as to why things are taking so long. yesSome OW do have a heart and soul so they try to be understanding. of course, the OW is a human being, but not all are so kind. But if they were trying to be understanding, why get involved with a married man in the first place? Why not tell him to wait until he has figured out what he's doing with his marriage?What kind of woman wouldn't understand that the man she loves is trying to make things as easy as possible for his beloved children? Lord knows that monster of a wife of his won't put the children first. Monster... of course that's how she is describedHe showed OW the photos she posted online of her girls night away on Mother's Day of all days. What kind of woman doesn't spend mother's day with her children? A mother who doesn't get time to herself very often, maybe that was what he encouraged her to do... just so he could then use it against herPerhaps one last family vacation will create enough happy memories to last a lifetime for the children. Perhaps one last Christmas, one last birthday, etc.

 

WS also sent OW photos of the nasty house BS keeps.Does he ever bother to help clean the house or does he leave all of that for her to do How can anyone expect their family to live in filth? He calls as he's picking up take out every night after work because she doesn't feed him or her own children.Does she work? Does he ever cook? She's lazy and only cares about herself. However, BS makes sure to spends lots of time & money at the salon. WS showed OW where BS checked in online at the most expensive salon in town. Too bad it's not helping BS be more attractive because WS said BS is too lazy to do anything to lose the 50 lbs she's gained. Is he really that shallow that he only cares about the weight she gained? What has he done to encourage her to lose the weight? Did he help her? Or did he just silently mock her and tell everyone else about how much it disgusted him?BS just sleeps, plays online, etc. The OW has seen BS in person or in photos and yep, she's overweight. So what, these things happen. Was she always overweight? Did it happen because of bearing his children? Again, what has he done to help better the woman he loved enough to marry?

 

The selling & justification goes on & on & on. The stories are plausible so it is easy for an OW to believe the BS is a horrible woman and the marriage is dead. However after a while the OW may start to question WS. The WS covers his tracks, showers the OW with love and admiration, and the OW continues to believe. At least until enough time passes, the OW catches WS in a blatant lie, has her own moment of clarity & decides enough is enough. The OW then desperately wants the truth, just as a BS after DDay, because there is no way this man she loves so deeply would betray her. There is no way he would intentionally set his beloved OW up to be a homewrecker. Yes, yes they wouldAn OW can't wreck a home if the marriage is already dead, right? But what if it isn't really dead? He wouldn't make love to his beloved OW & also sleep with the wretched, lazy, overweight, selfish, terrible person he married & lie about it would he? IN my case, yes, yes he did sleep with me while he was having his affair.He's leaving that horrible woman, any day now. Any month now. Any year now. This is the part I don't understand. Why wait for someone who is unavailable? Why doesn't he just leave if he is so miserable? Kids or not, this is ridiculous to ask of anyone.

 

If only the beloved OW had the truth. OW could see the WS for the scoundrel he truly is & move on. His story seems so real. He showed her pictures. He showed her social networking. He spends so much time with his beloved OW, BS obviously doesn't care. WS has to be telling the truth to his beloved OW, right? But he might be only telling half-truths. See my ex was really good at explaining away all the details like this and making it seem plausible. The truth is, I had no idea how much time he was spending with her. They worked together at night while I was home watching our son, they did whatever they did during the day while I was at work. I had no idea what was really going on.

 

To answer your question, yes some OW do want the truth. Some OW have a moment of clarity, are guilt ridden, disgusted by their behavior and decide to better themselves. Bravo for those that doSome OW get their man & want the truth so they can trust him. How do you trust a man who lied to his wife to be with you?Of course some OW don't want the truth & want to live in their little bubble of affair bliss.Yes, I agree, some do

 

Ok, see my bolded answers above.

 

I really enjoyed reading your post. It made it clear to me what it was probably like for my ex's OW. I'm 100% sure this is exactly what he did to her too. The problem is, men like this point out all these faults and of course do not tell you anything about what is really going on in their house or how their own involvement or lack of involvement contributed to the mess. It would be very easy for my ex to sit back and point out the same exact things you wrote about. I could have easily been that BS... and quite honestly, it seems creepy that you described almost exactly the same kinds of things my ex said about me. (Except for the expensive salon unless you count the one time he paid for me to go as a birthday gift).

 

The other side of that story would go something like this...

 

How could he be cheating? He just told me last night how much he loves me. He came home from work, slipped into bed with me and made love to me. He sent me flowers at work. He left me a note on the table, on the car, in my purse, etc. He tells me all the time that he loves me and that he wishes we could spend more time together, but yet it doesn't seem like he's making that effort anymore.

 

I know I've gained weight. I'm working hard to lose it. Does it bother him? I know it bothers me. I'm ashamed to look in the mirror. I do work out, but after working all day, I come home to a messy house that was clean when I left. How did it get messy? Well, my man made a mess in the house and didn't bother to clean up after himself. He's worse than a child. How does one person make such a mess in such a short period of time. And yet... he leaves it for me to clean up. I'm utterly exhausted. My child has mountains of homework to do and I have to help him with it. I cook dinner, do homework, help with bath time, get little man to bed, clean up the house AGAIN and then I have work to do for work. My job doesn't end when I walk out the door. I have to take it home with me and on top of that, I'm in graduate school online. I work until midnight and then go to bed. Sometimes I don't bother with the house cleaning on these nights. Why, who cares if the dishes didn't get done. It's only a couple plates and glasses, it can wait. I have work to do. (I can see him taking pictures of the house and telling her that I never clean, when really I do, but he never does anything to help. It's funny how since he's been gone, the house stays so much cleaner. Even better, the stress of what he did to me caused me to lose that 50 pounds I gained. Now I look just like I used to... too bad for his OW because when he saw me last he told me how sexy he thought I was and why didn't that happen when we were together. She has no idea what he says to me. He's constantly trying to get me to take him back)

 

He isn't here... ever. He works nights. I have to do this all by myself. It's like I'm a single parent but yet I'm not. He can't talk on the phone while he is at work. The only time he can talk is at 8:00 pm. He used to call all the time during his lunch break. Now he doesn't call anymore. I don't understand why. When I call him, he doesn't answer or does and talks for 2-3 minutes and then he's gone. He doesn't text me either, says he can't get signal inside the building at work. I go to bed alone, I wake up alone most weekdays. Why is that? Why is he sleeping on the couch? Oh, that's because he got in at 2 am from work and sat down on the couch to watch tv and then fell asleep. (or any other excuse) ( He tells his OW that I don't care enough about him to call or text, he's too busy texting her all night at work to bother talking to me. He lied about not having signal at work. I find this out when I get the bill and realize that he went over our texting minutes on the phone that I pay for for him. That was my first clue)

 

But the weekend rolls around and we spend those night together snugged up on the couch watching the tv shows we missed during the week. I ask him how life is going, what's new, how's work, when can we get some time alone? I ask him if he thinks we can go on like this forever, not really seeing each other, not really seeming to connect. I love him with all my heart and he tells me that he loves me too. Don't worry baby, we'll get through this together. (meanwhile he's telling his OW that I play online games all night on the weekends and ignore him. He's texting her every chance he gets when I'm not sitting right next to him. It isn't true, I'm right there with him)

 

OK, so now here comes this girl contacting me on twitter asking me about my man. Fast forward 6 months and the truth came out... he had been telling this girl that our relationship was so awful. We never had sex, I was fat, I never cleaned, I never paid attention to him. I was a MONSTER!!!

 

Sorry for the extremely LONG post response but quite honestly... this is kind of what I would like the OW in my situation to know. THIS is the truth of what was REALLY going on. No I wasn't some monster. Yes I care about our child. Yes I loved him and no I wasn't some horribly selfish person. I was working a full time job, going to grad school, paying all the bills, taking care of our child alone. Where was HE? He was too busy screwing some young chick at work and lying to both of us about what was going on.

 

Then after Dday... he continued to lie... to her, to me.. neither of us got the truth about it all. He made me seems crazy so that she hated me to the point of ridiculousness. He made her seems crazy (and well, she did some of that on her own too with her ridiculous behavior online) to the point of ridiculousness.

 

I'd say right to that OW... didn't it ever occur to you that if he was willing to lie to me that he would be willing to lie to you? Why didn't that matter to you?

[rumbleseat]

The often is quite a disparity between what a mm/mw will say and what is the reality of the situation.

 

One really sad example I know of was a friend of mine who had a sick child. While she was staying in the hospital with her sick toddler, her husband was at home with their baby. He got bored and stated trolling online dating sites, telling women that he was home alone, bored because his wife was out for he evening yet again, and he was looking for someone to talk to. He chatted with several and even made plans to meet up with one.

 

His wife found out because he accidentally left the site open when she came home unexpectedly and went to check her email. She was able to log in, and lo and behold, found his account, messages, etc. She sent messages to each of the women, and the reactions upon finding out he was M ranged form anger at her to anger at him. One young lady event sent him a rude message telling him to F off.

 

Seems some of the women wanted and welcomed the truth and some did not care. this could be due to many reasons, but to my way of thinking, their attitude reflects on their over character. Someone who is basically an honest person and who value the truth would be upset, while those who did hold those things in such high regard wouldn't care.

 

As for the mm taking all kinds of pictures of the house, his wife, and making a note of he websites she visits so he can run to the ow with his information, that seems really weird. What kind of person would do this and why? While i can see how an ow might find it bolsters the mm's position as being hard done by in the M, doesn't it strike them as more that a little bit odd and make them wonder why he felt such a needs to go to great lengths to portray his bs as negatively as possible?

[imfine]

I most definitely agree often there is an enormous disparity between reality and the story MM tell their OW. Often APs are friends, coworkers, or both for sometime before crossing the line into A-land. When a friendship is already established, a OW has no reason to not believe what MM is telling them. With the technology available at our fingertips almost every moment of every day, it's easy for MM to check his phone while with OW & share selective details of his life without raising suspicion as to why he is sharing them.

 

It's wrong that the BS gets cheated on & humiliated without their knowledge. It's wrong that often the BS gets only their "worst" shared with no consideration to the factors behind them. That's part of the fog, not sharing real life & living in fantasy affair land. Raena, once out of the fog I think most xOW realize the things that you would like for them to know. They know that women have jobs, we deserve to have our hair done, we can't keep perfect homes, sometimes we order take out, we gain weight, life happens. It's just easy to see a monster when a friend you trust is telling the story.

 

That's why I believe some OW want the truth. Sadly OW are about as likely to get the whole truth as the BS is. There are few things as damaging to a woman as an affair. Whether she is an OW or a BS. Yes, the OW has a choice, but many BS would be surprised at how great the illusion is their WS created.

[rumbleseat]

I most definitely agree often there is an enormous disparity between reality and the story MM tell their OW. Often APs are friends, coworkers, or both for sometime before crossing the line into A-land. When a friendship is already established, a OW has no reason to not believe what MM is telling them. With the technology available at our fingertips almost every moment of every day, it's easy for MM to check his phone while with OW & share selective details of his life without raising suspicion as to why he is sharing them.

 

It's wrong that the BS gets cheated on & humiliated without their knowledge. It's wrong that often the BS gets only their "worst" shared with no consideration to the factors behind them. That's part of the fog, not sharing real life & living in fantasy affair land. Raena, once out of the fog I think most xOW realize the things that you would like for them to know. They know that women have jobs, we deserve to have our hair done, we can't keep perfect homes, sometimes we order take out, we gain weight, life happens. It's just easy to see a monster when a friend you trust is telling the story.

 

That's why I believe some OW want the truth. Sadly OW are about as likely to get the whole truth as the BS is. There are few things as damaging to a woman as an affair. Whether she is an OW or a BS. Yes, the OW has a choice, but many BS would be surprised at how great the illusion is their WS created.

 

This is just another part of what makes A's so cr@ppy. When it's ovr an the ow/om begins to see the situation for what it really was, they are left to pick up the pieces of their life, and now they have to go on knowing that the A hurt someone, who really didn't deserve it, really badly.

 

How can a mm/mw who claims to care for the om/ put them in that position? When the A ends, they go back to the M and try to put their life in order, but at least they have the benefit of being the only one in the situation who really knows the full story. Neither the bs or ow/om does, and it can be a real slap in the face when they find out.

[yellowmaverick]

A thread on the ow side got me thinking. BS are constantly being accused of not wanting the truth, but what about the OW? You can explain all day long what your reconciliation looks like , how the affair is now viewed by your WS and they will argue it all day. I believe truth in this situation looks very different for the BS and their spouse than it does for the exOW. I suppose I could include OM in there as well so please don't limit this to just women. Thoughts?

 

My WH's OW doesn't want the truth. I have chosen not to reconcile with him and he still does not want to be with her. She has somehow convinced herself that "forces" other than his own free will and desires are keeping him from her. When she kept stalking me (to "nudge" me into a divorce, I think), I sent her an email (and copied him) telling her that I was not staying with him and he was all hers. She refuses to believe that he just used her and doesn't want to be with her. Even though she brought this on herself, a part of me wishes she could just meet a nice, single guy and move on. I wish that she could see that he is so not worth her distress.